Time Pass!!

These are some of the status msgs i wrote for my gtalk IM in the past few months. No copyright issues, feel free to churaa-ing them, if you think they are worth. Imagine these lines below your name on your Gtalk main window.

# 'Backspace' is the only key which reminds you that you can come up with something better, but keys conspire , mediocrity is what they desire and hence this status msg.

# What do u call a harry potter 'spell' which goes wrong??

Ans: A Typo

# Why is 'HIMESH' correct instead of 'himesh'?

Ans: HIMESH is with caps on.

# 'Donut' worry Be-er happy!!

# All those people here with solid red dots against their names, Are you really busy?? come join the "Green revolution".

# Your Boss is like your toothbrush, he interacts with you for 5 minutes in the morning, doesn't let you speak in the meantime, sugar coated he is and you grit your teeth while he brushes you
up!!

# (Not) Drinking is strictly prohibited in Pub-lic (Pub-like) places. :P

# Har aadmi ke hote hai do mouth, ek to hota hai north aur ek uske south!!

# If my status msgs annoy you then let me tell you, i enjoy a 'status' here and i have got a 'msg'(%$#%@) for you.

# Jab we MATE!!

# Show the current music track-- dikha raha hu bhai..pappu chauraahe se daud ke cassette to le aa!!

# Ba Ba Black *Beep* !! :P { when i put up my profile pic with a mean look, clad in a black shirt:p}


# Up, Up and Awayyy!! {usually my status msg when i am away}

# Blah-sphemy! {self explanatory word}

# Friday owes its charm to a sweaty Monday morning!

# Don't drink and derive, you might crash into some premature conclusions!!

# Yahoo messenger zindabaad!! :P {aiwaiii :D }

# Be a patriot, Spend your new year's eve with Doordarshan, do tell me how it was :p !!

# A 'traitor' translates to a 'cosmopolitan' when you look up a euphemist's dictionary!!

# This person tried hard to put up a real smart-ass status msg but terribly failed to do so.

# Virginity is like your blog readers, eventually you gonna lose them.

Phewhh!! and heyy!! A very yappy new year to all!! :)

A tribute..

I present before you this song which i wrote as a tribute to this experience named "Taare zameen par". The tune which was playing in my mind while i wrote this song was of "Kholo kholo darwaaje" from the same movie. No humor this time folks.

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Taare zameen par!!

Khidki se jo aayee
jharne me nahayee,
ye geeli-geeli see hawa hai aayee dekho,
dhoop ko dhakelti ye,
pardon se khelti ye,
aankhe meenche meenche bhaagi chali aayee dekho !!

Pedo me fasee thi kahee,
zulfon me uljhi si kahee,
hatheli par bitha ke panchhiyo ko laayi dekho,
kaise dagmagaati,
pedo se ye takraati,
yu girti giraati, maano desi hai chadhaai dekho,

Zindagi bhi hai ek jhonka ,
tumne hai usey roka,
kholo-kholo saare darwaaje,
thoda-thoda saa muskura ke
saare apne chehre sajaake,
zindagi haseen hai, isey dekho
zara paas bithaa ke!

Aasmaan me jo hai taare,
jagte hai raato ko saare,
tim-timaate khil-khilaate,
tumhe khojne wo aate,
karvat badal ke dekho, khidki ke bahar aaye saare!!

Chaand akela rehta hai,
tumse wo roz kehta hai ki
Mutthi me chaandni bharke,
mal do gaalon par sabhike,
jaldi jaldi karo kahee
neend ke baadalo ke peeche, chaand kho naa jaaye dekho!!

Tum bhi chalo,
mai bhi chalu,
laaye khoj ke wo humaare,
bachpan ke din wo pyaare.
jebo me bhar , hatheliyo par.
wo andhere se darr,
wo maths wala sir,
wo sardi bukhar,
phir maa ka dulaar,

Aisee kitni hai yaadein,
geeli-geeli see hai baatein.
Ye jo hai hawa chaand aur taare.
humse roz kehke jaate saare

"Door mat jaa kahee,
dekh dil ke panne palat kar
mil jaayenge chamakte tujhe
wo jo hai 'taare zameen par'!! "

Dedicated to the kid in each one of us....

Flexing my literary 'grey' muscles!!

Aliens

“We are not ALONE !!!” she was ecstatic as every single person on the planet was today...

“Yep!! But we never gonna see them, it’ll take eons to reach ‘em” i retorted.

“In that case , we'll wait for THEM to reach us !!” she beamed.

"heh!" smirked I.

After a million years of solitary existence, Now we know we are not alone. Our equipments intercepted some signals from outer space, which showed some intelligent patterns. That was enough for the world to go tizzy. Extra terrestrial life does exist damnit!. But the planet was located in some distant galaxy well beyond our reach for us to breach.

“..Umm ..by the way, How they have named it…i mean the new planet “ She was curious.

“Well...After translating the gathered signals to phonetics...umm….. they call it…’Earrth’…..weird name isn’t it”

“Weird it IS !!”

LIFE...

The sea always enchanted me…the unending wide sheet of blue water creased by the waves and life…fastened to the clouds at the other end…
The golden sand , the fuzzy foam stitched at the ends of the waves , and the ‘keep’ of the sea ..Sun..spending each night in it’s mighty embrace… I loved ‘em all…It was near the sea where I grew up…frolicked around…lived a LIFE

But now things have not been the same for the last three months. Many of our neighbors started to disappear suspiciously…most of them were last seen in the sea ppl say…but How can a sea as serene as this , engulf it’s own children ; that was my point…Our family moved to some other beach side locality as several others did…The ones who disappeared never returned to tell their tale…

I continued to play with the waves and smell the sand…..

Now I know where all those neighbors ended up , As I recollect these golden memories being caught in a net myself. I’ll also be served dead on a platter with spices in some oriental restaurant.

Life’s not too good being a crab , seriously.

Experience

‘Twas around midnight…a moonlit night bustling with activity…. it's the big apple…New York…

I waited there on the sidewalk.

A petite girl in her late teens was standing beside me , wearing an outfit revealing her near to perfect assets…curves to die for…

A biker halted near the sidewalk…hurled a 50 dollar bill at the girl…the girl smiled…and they rode along..

I was still waiting….

And a few moments later a limo screech stopped near the sidewalk …I reapplied my mascara…lifted my bosom…Limo’s window rolled down…

There he was my client for the night.

He called me in…And I obliged…

“Foolish girl !!” I said. Experience counts…isn't it??

The Gr8 Indian Train Journey!!

The Archeological survey of india has written to me regarding the writings on this blog which will soon be declared as ancient scriptures and would be kept inside glass cases stacked up for display in random museums with japanese tourists going wild fujifilming and nikoning it. Haan miyaa!! bhelcome once again to the same old adda, where you spilled your giggles and always saved your words miserly without even caring to spend them on my comment page , but you did contribute to the hitcount of this blog which is set to hit the 28K mark soon isiliye thankooz!!.

(Wink wink : adsense meter whirring!!)

So without much further ado and 'undo' i should go about justifying the title of this post which is as amusing as listening to the 'Mr Beans show' on the radio.
The Sleeper class me baithne waali junta can be "Danish-kaneria-ke-gaalo-se-bhi-jyaada-rough-ly" classified into :-

1) H2H2 - hum do humaare do families:- The ideal nuclear family which nukes your peace of mind inside the compartment if you happen to share the same. Imagine yourself sitting on the window seat cool-ly flipping through pages of a random "feel-good" magazine with your tired legs stretched on the berth, a gentle breeze running through your hair, with all your li'l luggage already chained you think about your hometown, friends and family back home.Aah absolute bliss. then suddenly :-

"O bhaai saab!! aapka seat number kaun saa hai??" A middle aged person farts on your face. Following him is his family with two wailing chunnu munnus and their clumsy mommy bearing a "disaster management look" on her face.

You try your best to sound polite "Bhaai saab 17 number seat meri hai, khidki waali "

"Paaaapppppaa mekko window waali seat chahiyyyyye!! uwaaaaa....!! mekko chahiiiyeee..." chunnu bursts out..

"Abhi dilaate hai betaa...,Eskooj me bhaaisab baache ke liye thoda adjust kar lijiye!!" and you look at the li'l moron(chunnu) while gritting your teeth and then u think of those condom commercials issued in public interest. You wish some sanity had prevailed. bah!

Then comes the "luggage management" part. The family seems to have brought their town's luggage, some reputed oriya hurricanes to be blamed. And they try to squeeze it all thru the space below the lower berth. Your pyaara sa airbag looks like parthiv patel sharing a stool to sit with andrew symonds.

Himesh reshammiya and compart me familiyaa unbearable hai dost!!

There will be at least an army of relatives on the platform who would have come to see off their "banaras waale chacha" and "Kanpur waali mausi". And when you get to know that one such mausi(who's incidentally sharing the same compartment as yours) has just spilled some fresh achaar (pickle) on your snazzy airbag, its just too late. "F-16 to F-22 wala" dreams bedamned.

And when the T.T. arrives with his beachball-belly preceeding him, his coat buttons discuss among themselves "haaye!! Hum Berozgaar button. :( !!".

The TT in a grim voice blares "Haan vaiii!! ticket dikhaao!!"

Now at this point of time chunnu ki mummy is seen frantically searching for the ticket in her purse to no avail. Hubby dear is impatient "Pachaas baar kaha hai nikalne se pehle ticket samhaal ke rakha karo, Mr. bajaj laake dega kya tkt!! "

Searching for the railway ticket in her purse is as difficult as searching for rajpal yadav in the grand canyons. After some 10 minutes of mining into the purse she fishes out the ticket which is stuck to the soap paper with the PNR number imprinted on the "jab zor se ho aai, aur saabun naa de dikhaai, then instant haath ki safaai" waala paper.

TT baabu is used to this, so he shows no signs of disgust and goes about asking other victims in the compartment for the tickets, including you. And when the train halts at some random station its the (stone) age old tradition for the the daddyji to fill every empty thing in the compartment with the "shuddh and sheetal jal" which you get on the platforms. He disappears with the empty bottles in the mileu and after a while when its time for the train to depart, the mummyji again with the same disaster management look on her face exclaims " Kahaa chale gaye paani laane!! abhi tak nahee laaye!!" you have to fulfill the moral obligation to comfort her by saying "Aa jaayenge!! ab paani lene bisleri ke bottling plant thode hi gaye honge!!".

Her hubby after out muscling and out-swearing (naya word note kar le!!) the other uncles at the water cooler, comes out all smiles with two half filled bottles under his arm pits and a torn sleeve plus the buttons of his shirt in his hands. Fair deal !! (Torn sleeve kisi aur ke shirt ki hai bhaai!! :P).

2) CKC - college ka chhokraas :- If by any chance you are travelling alone and you happen to find these chhokraas in your compartment, then you are sure to have an awesome time during the journey, but if by sheer misfortune you are with your family then your situation would be like of that uncle who took his chunnu munnus and missus accompanied by their dhaarmic dada-daadi to a theater to watch the movie "Jab we met" and they accidently enter the screen playing "Jab we MATE". Chunnu munnu couldn't hide their elation.

Yeah these colg dudes can be gross. An average engineering student's lingo can give any sailor a run or may i say sail for their money. Every sentence they utter is sandwiched between words which u utter each time you hear the actual figure of your boss' salary.

Once the brats are done with chaining their luggage and "sutta" they are set to explore the train for those "F-16 to F-22"s , whose locations they had by hearted from the reservation chart pasted outside the coach. They put the official SOP (statement of purpose) as "Searching for the Pantry" but you know what they are up to.('Been there done that' kind of stuff for u guys!!..hai ki nahee??). They scan each compartment they pass by, and the data is shared among themselves when they reach the ends of the coach near the washbasin. And when that data is churned to come up with some vital information as to "which coach and which berth no.", the whole group oscillates to and fro about the "point of interest".

These dudes like to get down at every other platform, roll up their sleeves, light a ciggy and look around and say "Weather kitna sexy hai re!!", (even if the train halts there just for a few nanoseconds). These guys sure are cool. I was one such brat some time back, alas i'm spoilt now.

Aah the joys of the sleeper class. the sight of the stones and gravel from the hole in the commode, the sacred inscriptions on the toilet walls for instance some outright materialistic "Saleema i luv you..err..your.." and some philosophical as in "Ek aadmi ke hote hai 2 mouth , ek to hota hai north aur ek south"[of his anatomy] and some cheesy lines like .."Boond Boond se saagar bharta hai, apni boonde apne pass rakhiye" (ab aur nahee likhta!! rehne de yaar kuchh adults bhi blog padhte hai..:P.), the unadulterated entertainment provided by those clappy-happy eunuchs, the chaaiwaalahs drawl "chaiiiiiii...bhains ki doodh ki chaai", the wait listed passengers clutching on to their tickets sandwiched between two hundred rupees notes waiting for the TT sahab,.. and a lot more . Phew!! so many memories!! Lets see if you can add to this list!! till then Sat sri tatkaal!!

Ek Chawanni chaap post!!

With a spate of "Mujhe-Angrezee-aati-hai" certificate type posts being posted on Garam bheja fry off late, I yumm back with an original chawanni chhaap post. This is the kind of blog-post reading which- ghar ki bahu-betiyaa laaj ke maare chew their chunnies/pallu to discoloration, the school going naauty buoys wait for their parents to doze off at nights before they read the post with one hand on the mouse and the other hand on their .......mouths of course,(tu kya socha!!) to nullify the noise of their giggle, and the office going junta to bechaari padh hi nahee paayegi, with content more mature than A.K. Hangal (I thought of writing A. Dumbledore here in place of hangal , lekin phir socha log kya kahen'gay' :P) , this post is sure to be blocked by the fire"walls and windows" of those damn network-security waalahs .

So here I present before you the recent referrers list, the links 'those' guys followed to reach Garambhejafry... (Disclaimer : Mature content...Chunnu-munnu dhyaan se padhna, kahee papa naa pakad le..aur agar pakad le to rona mat…kyuki papa bhi kabhi chunnu tha !!)

How enlightening is this to know that my blog caters to the fantasies of those kind hearted readers who are as innocent as parthiv patel’s paaltu khargosh. Bechaare log doesn’t know Garam bheja fry offers stuff as raunchy as the details of Bappi lahiri and romesh powar making out in public..(ewwww waala tha naa!! oops I have few readers in kolkata as well). I hope they weren’t offended by the “jarurat se jyada mature content” of the previous sentence.

Mallu aunty vs. Punjabi aunty :- The nationwide fan following of the Punjabi aunties vs. the “mere piyaa gaye middal yeast, and my neighbor is a raunchy beast” type mallu aunties who love wonly their banana chipzz and get fat to the voyeur pleasure of the GJs(Google Jockies). The battle continues for the “Google keyword queen” title.

The gentleman diving deep into the 'www' in search of the perfect “Fat aunty maal” must have had few expletives reserved for this blog’s author when they would have accidentally clicked on to the link leading them to this page of Garam bheja fry.

Kasam tushaar kapur ke smile ki ye kaun banda hai bhaai, “Delhi Bangalore rajdhani dinner time” Apun bhi ghar jaa raha hai..aur isi train se… isse jarurat mulakaat hogi wo bhi dinner time re..

(Attention: Passengers who belong to the F-16 to F-22 category on the reservation chart ; traveling on the 1st of nov from bangy to New delhi , need not worry about the confirmation of their berths)

And the brats of the cyber dharti who are sweating it out to find the “Naalayak betis” of this world who they think are vulnerable enough to be coaxed in to sitting on one of the corner seats of the empty theaters running RGV movies; this is not the right place/link dude coz I am looking for one such naalayak beti myself. :p (papa agar aapne ye padha hai to aap to jaante ho ki jhooth bolne ki meri bachpan se hobby rahee hai!!)

Junta this was one chaaloo post before I leave for my home ground. India Pakistan series coming up so I hope the frustoo junta out their will look out for those cricket playing uncles(ganguly, Sachin etc) than the fat aunties of this world. And that applies to moi as well. Adios!!

I have added a form above, whosoever wants to flood the mailboxes of their boss’, Professor’s, Teacher’s ex-BF, ex-GF , doodhwala, paperwaala (sorry agar tu khud hi paperwaala hai to :p) , maali , driver; then you can type in the e-mail address and “hit” the subscribe button to receive any new post I puke out here. Home delivery ho jaayegi!! :)

Advertisements kaise kaise!!!

Advertisements: A 30 to 40 seconds long visual message often used for communicating to the viewer some vital information ranging from the the ills of "saadharan tikiya ki dhulaai" to the secrets of "phoolon see komal twacha". I fondly remember those lazy sunday mornings when i waited (after nahaa dho ke and all cream powder laga ke) with bated breath for the Sadabahaar geeto ka pirogram 'Rangoli'. Hema malini who hosted the show would say "Ab hum sunenge madan mohan dwara sangeetbaddh aur mohammad rafi ka gaaya huaa ye geet..lekin usse pehle hum lenge ek chota saa break".

And then we all would sit there like a dead rock braving some 37 ads of various 'saabun-tel-chaddi-baniyaan brands'. The T.V. remote, which has always been the adman's nemesis, was as useless as a decade old proxy server address. (for logging in to orkut). We had no other choice and therefore we by hearted as to which soap should we trust for our "tandarusti ki raksha" and for getting rid of our "mail ke keetaanu". We were warned about the kabj, gas and acidity ke raakshas which can only be exterminated by those Bhaavnagar waale hunters with their guns loaded with Kaayam churn. Melody was always chocolatee and there was no denying the fact that Borolin was the original 'khushbudar antiseptic cream'. Hamdard ka tonic cincara was a must have for the budding IT professionals and Saundarya saabun nirma was the secret of success of Sonali bendre.

And in the end it was always the "Aaraam ka maamla hai" for the erstwhile flamboyant dudes wearing VIP undies contradictory to the other shy , self conscious half for whom it was still an "Andar ki baat hai".

The ad world has changed hasn't it. So here once again I am trying to segregate the types of ads which run just before the host is about to announce as to "kaun sii jodi iss hafte contest se out hone waali hai"..

1) The Aaj tak chaap ads...the cheap 10-15 second ads:- The only channel featuring such ads are the 24/7 Hindi news channels which boasts of just the right target audience for the products whose ads they run. No matter how important the news being covered the news readers make room for a commercial break...Sample this

Nagma : .Jaisa ki aapko pata hai, orissa ke tatwarti ilaako me samudri tufaan se marne waalo ki sankhya lagatar badhti jaa rahee hai, humaare samvaad daata sanjay baraakta ghatnasthal pe maujood hai, aaiye unhi se puchte hai wahaa ke taaza haalaat...

Nagma : "Sanjay humare darshako ko bataaiye wahaa ke haalaat kaise hai??"

Sanjay: "Jee nagma mai iss wakt samandar ke beecho beech ek naav par kuchh machuaaro ke saath fasaa hu...gaur karne waali baat ye hai ki..abhi ek badee leher humaari or aa rahee hai.."

Nagma : "Kya aap bata sakte hai kitni badee leher hogi sanjay??"

Sanjay : "*gulp* Nagma hummari naav palat gayee...*gulp* bachaao *gulp* ..mai naav ko pakad kar latka hoon !!.."

Nagma : "Sanjay aap humaare saath line par bane rahiye aur uss naav ko pakde rakhiye..ab samay ho chala hai chhote se break kaa. sanjay phir haazir honge break ke baad"

Sanjay : "Iss bulletin ke praayojak hai Barnala TMT sariyaa..... *gulp* *gulp* *gulp*...."

During the break u see celebrities (?) of the likes of Aman verma cleaning random toilet seats. He barges into a house after announcing "Aaiye chalte hai neeta ji ke ghar??"

"Apna toilet dikhaaiye!!" he says. Neetaji is taken aback with a battery of cameramen zooming into her nostrils. She manages with a "Andar Bunty ke papa baithe hain!!" as she pushes bunty's chaddi with her feet (which was lying on the floor) under the sofa unless the cameras zoom into the fibers of the undie. It is evident that the naughty boy slipped out of his bare essentials in a state of utter bowel emergency.

"Aaj hum dikhaa ke rahenge apna safedi challenge..nikaaliye uncle ko toilet se!!!!" And then Aman's safedi challenge waalas do the rest. (this word "rest" can be expanded to generate a pile of toilet humor.. but I refrain from it..theek kiya naa?? :P)

Then he raises the toilet cleaner bottle and announces ,

"H***** ka safaai challenge Aa raha hai aapke nazdeeki toilet-gharo me !! "

After this u see Shekhar sumans and the Siddhus of the industry marketing cheap Japanese inverters and UPS, Character artists of the 90's swearing about the "Jaan!! " (life) in random cements and TMT sariyaas, failed actresses sipping unknown "assam ke bagaano se chuni" random chaai and getting bowled over ; All of it in just 15 seconds. The cost of producing the ad is nearly equal to the price of (one unit of) the product being advertised.

The motive is pretty clear hire a cheap celebrity, tell him to blabber about the product like "Aaj hi apnaaiye / Aisa sunehra mauka haanth se naa choonke / ye hai mera pakka vaada", and wishing that junta will swarm in to the shops like mad Sreesanths and lap up all sariyas, cements and inverters kyuki "Shekhar suman ji kaa waada hai". Bah!

2) Biker ads - With extra premium dude quotient: - These ads are targetted at our colony's wannabe dudes with a cup of extra testosterone in their veins. Their "about me" section in their respective orkut profiles is replete with words like Attitude / don't give a damn /cool / hunk / I make my own road. Their answer sheets may resemble the comment page of a newbie blogger but when their father asks them

"Naalayak , kabhi apne future ke baare me sochaa hai"

They shrug it off with a- "Thinking...is such a waste of time dad !! " and they put on the helmet to take on the world.

This is the same philosophy which's professed in these ads. An ultra cool metro sexual hunk wearing black shades and buckled up in black leather gear, would be shown cruising along on a snazzy bike. And then out of nowhere a chick clad in short pants (and wearing a million other accessories) would ask for a lift. This gives the dude a chance to test his disc brakes and perform a front wheel wheelie (apna colony wala brat utters a thick expletive (*#@*%) out of excitement seeing just that).

When the biker touches ground, He lifts his helmet over his head and delivers a smart-ass line something to the effect of

"A girl who looks a $million, must grace my bike's pillion"

The girl is bowled over and wastes no time in jumping on the pillion seat and then she utters an enlightening line looking sensuously into the camera which if put plainly for all lay-men and lay-women , is

"Bike laa, Maal pataa".

Apna colony ka Vickies and Ronnies coax their respective daddies for the same bike to at least score over the tinas and leenas of the locality. "Be a rebel" (hindi me -> Chori kar, daaka daal lekin bike khareed, bina bike tu "incomplete man"(C*kka) hai) thats the philosophy they want to cultivate in the minds of apna lukkhaas of the colony.

c) We understand you- hum samajhte hai type of ads:-

These are the ads floated by the banks and insurance companies, which claim they know your needs better than you do. They often play around with relations like father-daughter, mother-son, husband-wife, HR guys- Rest of the employees (oops cut the last one). What pessimism is for a brat , translates to future-security for an elderly.

These ads are often strung into a soft background song which talks about the benefits of long term investment and strength of relations. And in between these sweet nothings the ad walaahs manage to slip in some numbers like interest rates and term of deposit. But they want you to frown at the fat numbers with a winning line -

"Arey bhaai meri beti ke future ka sawaal hai".

These guys have all the answers to the questions like "Rahul ke phoren ejjucation ke paise kahaa se aayenge??", "Bitiya ki shaadi bhi karni hai??". Character artists from the television industry feauture prominently in such ads and with their weepy antics try to infuse such emotion that you crave for a bitiya first and then her shaadi.

Three more types to be explained....we'll discuss them in my agla post!!

Aunty mat kaho naa!!

Aunty. Whenever we hear this word a mental sketch comes out of the bheje ka printer, forming an image that resembles a particular aunty which you loved, hated or respected(?) when you were a chhotu kid. But for me this word reminds me of none other than the gruesome and huge, the sabjiwaala's nightmare herself - 'Pados ki Chopra aunty'. She looked huge in her salwar kurta. When i stood near her , from a distance it looked like a japanese tourist standing beside the Statue of liberty.

I was a "Bhery naaaty buoy" according to Chopra aunty, who used to say this while grabbing my cheeks with her pincers (oops were they hands??) and nearly lifting me off the ground. With a swollen red cheek I would mutter under my breath the very few expletives (like "kutti" , "kamini"..oye reader don't raise your eyebrows. tu bhi bolta tha jhooth mat bol !! :p) I saved for such occasions. I very well know the fact that all the Aunties in this ' world of uncles' are not as sweet as Chopdee. ( We li'l scoundrels could think of just this nick!!)

So here i am trying to once again 'Munaf patel ke gaalo se bhi jyaada rough-ly classify the types of aunties in akkhaa-India :-

1) Middal class ki desi aunty :-

On a lazy winter morning when the sun is out and you hear the colony ka sabjiwaala hawker passing by announcing :-

"Aaloooo pyaaz bhindi tamaatar le lo-ooooooo...."

You hear a shrill voice from a balcony... "O sabjiwaale bhaiyaaaaaa ..... pyaaz kaise diye...". says a petite lady with her hair done in a bun over her head and a jhaadoo in her one hand. She's still wearing the nighty (night gown) and that's what is the trademark of this category of aunties. She's the bargain queen of the land. Here's the foreplay of the great game.

"Didi le jaao bohni ka tame(time) hai....20 rupay ke 2 kilo.." the hawker fed up with the daily-bargain-trauma tries to surrender early. The Aunty is no mood to let go of him this easy.

"Ruk aati hu neeche" She tucks the few loose strands of hair that have spilled on to her face, behind her ears with the same hand that carries the jhaadoo. Auntyji descends down the stairs wearing the same gown.

"haa bhaiya..kitna bhaav bataya... !!!" says she in an almost threatening tone.

"Bhenji!! 12 rupay kilo ka bhaav hai...aap 20 me 2 kilo le jaao..bolo tol doo 2 kilo??" he's ever so eager to close the deal.


"LOOT RAHA HAI KYA TU....pyaaz bech raha hai ya gehne??...aise sadey galey pyaaz mai 12 rs me khareedu tere se??..ye neembu ke size ke pyaaz humey tikaa raha hai tu... meri kaamwaali baai bhi naa khareede ye to !!!!" She shifts to top gear and has nearly run over the poor sabji waala.

"Didi...mandi me jaake pooch lo isse kam bhaav kahee nahee......" he comes down to his last resort.

"Oye Mandi se parso hi munnu ke papa 8 rupay ke bhaav pyaaz laaye hai...mujhe mat sikha mandi-wandi !!..8 rupay me dena hai to de warna waise bhi mujhe bahut kaam hai" Killer blow. In the meantime one more nighty-clad aunty arrives to the scene.

"Dekh naa manju loot raha hai ye bhaiya...10 RUPAYY bata raha hai bhaav pyaaz kaa" she tries to gather her army by coaxing one more of her kind in to the pricing war.

"Itte kam me to nahee de sakta mai...mandi se hi le lena pyaaz.." sabji waala is heart broken.

"Jaa jaa nahe chahiye......Ambani ke ghar jaake thelaa lagaaiyo..achee bikri hogi.." And then she mock parades back to the stairs. She knows the sabjiwala will crumble and surrender to her desired rate. And thats what happens..

"Achaa bhenji bohni khoti ho jaayegi..diyaa 8 rupay me....le jaao...Jeene mat do humey!! " he says in a defeated tone and loads the balance with the onions.

Auntyji comes back gladly and throws a winning smile at manju who is a trainee in the bargain game and then says she -

"Arey bhaiya tum to mandi lagaaoge, bade seth banoge aur tum jeene marne ki baat kar rahe ho!!"
the sabjiwala is indifferent to the cajoling as he looks helplessly at the auntyji picking up the ripe onions.

The game is won.

She is the apni indian aunty who can even bargain with a vending machine. She's omnipresent. The typical indian Housewive. The target audience of the Balaji telefilms.

The "khana khaa ke jaana" attitude even towards strangers endears her to everyone. All their husbands have a similar nickname that's - 'Ajee' as in " Ajee aap naa bade 'wo' ho!!". She has no rigid career goals and she is happy with the 450 rs she makes by teaching hindi to chunnu,muunu and bunty (colony ke natkhat chhokrey).

2) The sophisticated Page 3 aunties :-

It has been echoed a zillion times by a million feminists (aunties) around the world that "Behind every successful/controversial man there is an aunty". And true it is, while their husbands create all the ruckus on the page 1 of the newspapers, just behind them on the page 3 their better halves(Aunties) clad in backless blouses and designer jewellery, dazzle the page. The self professed socialites say they are doin it for a cause, to feed the poor li'l children in "God-knows-where"-istan. They are the "Driver gaadi nikaalo, party ke liye der ho rahee hai" types who refer to the top fashion designers by their first name. (for ex "Manish" and "Vikram" for Manish malhotra and Vikram phadnis).

These ladies often try to cite references to their recent phoren trips in unrelated conversations. Dodge this

In some random party :-

Mrs Roy : "Hey just have a look at Mrs laalwaani. Such a gaudy saaree she's wearing. looks like those '25% Festival discount' types...*giggle* "

Mrs Mehra : "And her sleeveless blouse OMG. makes her look like one of those obese brazillian grandmas in the Reo carnival. You know what I saw a lot of women like her when i was holidaying in Brazil this summer"

*more giggles*

3) The newbie aunty on the block :-

The ever so shy and coy newly wed aunty who has just moved in to the house across the street much to the thrill of the gully cricket playing teens. As she has just been married, her wardrobe is replete with bright colored ravishing saarees and suits, which she flaunts when she goes out for that "Evening walk" with her hubby , amidst sighs from the lukkhaas of the colony. Her mehendi hasn't faded away yet and she wears a full stack of bangles 24x7 err... 16x7 (Bhaai ab choodiyaan pehena ke hi sulaaoge kya...8 ghante sone bhi do!!).

and the gully cricket playing chhokraas talk

"Oye sharma jee waale ghar me naya maal aaya hai" one of the excited teens breaks the news.

"O teri..phir dekhne ko kab milega.." In chorus

"Shaam ko nikalti hai, arey yaar aunty to maal hai lekin uska pati to shakal se hi ch**iya dikhta hai !!" An absolute cliche it is.

"Bhaiye aisa hi jamaana hai langoor ko hi grape(angoor) juice peene ko milta hai...*sighh* " and they heave a big sigh together.

Just a fleeting glance at the husband was enough for the gully ka chhokraas to rechristen him as a 'langoor', his IIM degree notwithstanding. Poor hubbies ; their wives are the most sought after aunties for the designer karwachauth parties.

Dhaarmic aunties and the teacher aunties to be discussed next!! :)

Movie-theater!!

Gandhi jayanthi popularly known as a national holiday and more popularly known as a dry day, falling on a weekday looks as cute on the calendar as celina jaitley, bipasha basu and saaddi manjeet (the silly village girl) on an atlas ki cycle. We decided in favour of a movie outing, we had two options to pick from- Johny Jamadaar err.. gaddar and bourne ultimatum (sounds like a harry potter spell).

PVR was the nearest haunt for us 'Mawalis' to 'see' more than just the movie. Soon we reached the ticket Q preceeded by some roaring laughter and heavy handed back slapping. Let me describe the scene there, when the crowd saw us arrive.

Girls with artificially straightened hair frowning with disgust, their "darling-where's-your-ass-i-m-feelin-licky-licky" type boyfriends making apprehensive faces, few wary and thus balding uncles reaching out to their back pockets to ensure the safety of their wallets , Fat aunties in sleeveless blouses clasping on to their handbags tight with their flabby arms ; All this followed our arrival to the scene. ( Due apologies to those few kind hearted readers who claim they aren't the likes of the ppl described above but infact are. )

An inky-pinky-ponky played among us friends decided as to who will stand in the ticket queue where some skimply clad girls (read chicks) were jostling for some elbow room much to the fascination of us young blooded brats who were ready to lend an elbow. ;).

We got the tickets for the late night show of 'Bourne ultimatum' after my 'inglish isspeeking' friends decided in favour of 'Bourne baba'.The tickets were getting booked at the speed of dinesh karthick running a 100m frog race carrying Smriti irani (tulsi) on his shoulders. So we dint have much of a problem in getting the tickets and what followed provided me with the 'maal' for this post..

The 'fillum dekhni waali' junta can be 'meri pajaame se bhi jyada loose'-ly classified into :-

1) Bizznesshh-man unkils, the "maal-consignment nahee" pahucha types –

Imagine a situation when you are watching 'chak de india' in a theater with your GF/BF/MF (MF-Mother Father :|), shahrukh is delivering that sattar minute pep talk, you all are riveted to your seats, utter silence in the hall, and then you hear a shrill mono ring-tone beating out some crappy reshamiya number.. The culprit uncle behind you picks up his phone..

"Haa bunty bol, cement load ho gaya kya??...maal load karke truck waale se raseed le liyo.... Bh*c**d Lallan baalu me mitti milaa raha hai..bolna saale ko payment late milega..chal be raseed kaat ke dobaara phone kariyo..."

When you hear this you feel like someone just emptied a truckload of baalu-mitti on your head. When the ankilji talks he keeps the phone at an 45 degree angle to his ear and he talks loud..so loud that even the shrewd popcorn waala outside knows who bunty is and lallan's sis needs to be wary of his brother.

2) "Corner seat par dard-e-disco"- the coochie coo couples-

In a queue a plump guy wearing a shirt with floral prints accompanying a bon-shy girl (bon-shy - a short and ever so shy girlie) is standing near the ticket counter. The guy announces with a naughty smile playing on his face. Rajesh khanna is proud of him.

"Bhaai saahab!! 2 CORNER seat dena…" he throws a pervert smile at the girl. The sharmili ladki squeaks. and so does the ticket waala.

When the couple leaves , a guy in his teens says to the tkt counter guy out of sheer desperation :-

"Bhaiyaaa!! inke BAGAL WAALI ek seat dena...INKE BAGAL WAALI" he's panting

"Kyo be ek saath do pictures dekhega kya....beta agar teri age above 18 hai tabhi ticket milega" counter waala retorts.

These are the couples which have no other place left, to show their 'pyaar ki taakat' and their 'sacche pyaar ki nishaani'. The parks are no longer safe with 'slap'py-happy policewaalahs at large and beaches(read : bandstand) to har city me hai nahee. Moreover the safety of cinema halls lies in the fact that they are too dark for any cell phone camera to render any potential juicy MMS.

The CSC (corner seat couples) association has recently felicitated Ram gopal verma for his contribution to the cause of the CSC. Movies like RGV ki aag, Darling, James, Naach compelled some 27 seats to escape out of the empty theater. Even the poor non-living seats didn't stand a chance against the brilliance of RGV.

The CSC with their adept "hand-eye coordination" show some real skills in pulling off some amazing maneuvers in the confines of the two seats inside the theater. "Haath ki safaai" they say. Long live CSC and may thou always manage to get a seat next to 'em . Amen!

3) Giggly girls in groups!! -

This is the group that brings in the revenue for the owner of the theater/multiplex. They are the second biggest attraction after the movie itself. All the mawaalis (read :us) decide on a movie after looking at the "quality" of the queue.

Chemically straightened hair with a highlight, heels that may puncture the floor, enough kaajal around their eyes to manufacture 3 blackboards, clothes as vulgar as this post; all this makes them the 'hot talking point' at the guy's respective hostel/PG/flat at nights after the show gets over. These girls cackle together whenever there's a sniff of humor in the movie. They are not as silly as saaddi manjeet and carry their 250 gm attitude well. These girls look to have bread crumbs for their dinner as they have pledged to wear their wedding ring around their waists.

Once inside the theater when you have plopped down on your seat and have planned to rest your feet on top of the seat ahead in the same 'Raja babu' isshtyle, suddenly a girl or a group of girls of the variety explained above come up to your seat and maintaining a stiff face say "Excuse me!! please...". you look at the angel eyed girl like a drunken monkey with your mouth open and then you realize you have to sit upright to give her way. She doesn't even look at you. And then when you reach home you boast among your friends as how you and the girl talked and exchanged family history and "samay ka to pata hi nahee chala ki kab nikal gaya".

4) Chaalu Chhokraas - "the wannabe dudes"-


Ideally this group follows the giggly girls and so it does here. The wannabe dudes come to the theater emptying half of their respective hair-gel tubes on their scalp. From the maafia look to the Chu**ya look each style is well represented by the dude fraternity.

Normally these guys come late to the theater. They would stand in front of the screen and in a fake attempt to search their friends they check out the girls and note down the GPS coordinates of the 'talented' girlies. Most of the dudes look like models who have walked the "Rampur ka ramp". And each time during the intermission, when they look at the price list of the food-items inside the multiplex (For ex 2 samosas for Rs. 50) they utter a thick (maa behen ki ) gaali under their breath. (which is perfectly justified).

The Popcorn waala scoffs at them and the guy at the metal detector double checks them before letting them in. Dudes wonder when they will earn enough to be able to buy popcorn and stuff without having to worry about the gain of calory and the loss of salary.

5) The blogger uncles :-

These are the super quiet types. Even the empty seat makes more noise than them. These are the super elite french bearded reviewers and blogger types. They often come in twos and sip a single cup of coffee thru the entire movie.

"There's is some sloppy sditing in the frames numbered 40-45..." one of them whispers to the other.

not to be left behind the other guy squeaks "yep!! moreover the screenplay slackens at times."

A dude from behind

"Sirji !! abhi picture shuru nahee huyee hai...ye to vicco vajradanti ka ad dikha rahe hai , jiske screenplay ka aap operation kar rahe ho"


That sums it up..bahut likh diyaa bhaai!! keyboard ki keys se letters gaayab ho gaye hai ghis ghis ke...chal jab tak mai keyboard paint karta hu... tu comment kar de!!

GBF reporter ki reports!!

“Yuvraj packing six sixes of a Broad over and a six packed Shahrukh going over board” were the two drool-worthy sights of the past month. (Abey itti jaldi sentence padh gaya…dhang se dekh to sahee kitni mehnat gayee hai likhne me..).
 My friends tell me that the abs are nothing but the sediments of the “40+” capsules he has been gulping all along, which are now showing up; quite a sick thought actually. Kya shahrukh bhaai...sunken cheeks and 5 ½ kg hairs on your scalp sadly makes you look more like my Patiyaale waale taauji, minus the abs though. For my patiyaale waale taauji six pack means cheh (six) peti aur har peti me 8 khambe (full botal).

(isse pehle ki dard-e-disco morcha ke workers ransack my house aur maar maar kar mere 3-4 abs nikaal de..i better switch the topic)

So let’s just summarize the events of the past 1 month.

1. India wins the tonti tonti wolld cup :- An unforgettable experience , the finest week of Indian cricket, The exuberance of youth and……. (ek belly khujaata huaa Reader: oye bhejafry beta aaraam se ..ye to aisa lag raha hai ki cricinfo ki site khol ke baith gaya hoon, yaa phir maine siddhu ke chor pocket waali diary khol li hai, apni aukaad me reh …angrezi tere aur shoaib malik dono ke bas ki nahee hai)

Haa to bhaai, let us tell you some inside stories….

Brett lee bowling to shoaib malik. Malik is beaten comprehensively. Lee comes up to shoaib and says :

Brett lee : (shift dabaa ke 1436732 type kar le reader…arey bhaai gaaliyaa dee aur kya…ab kaun see gaali di ye to naa shoaib ko pata naa hi mere ko.)

Shoaib : “I unite your mother and sister in next shot”

(agle shot me mai tumhaari maa behen ek kar dunga)

Brett lee: (enraged) “teri maa ki..”

(don’t ask me brett lee ne kahaan se seekha ye)


The cheerleaders talking to each other during a match..

Ch1: “chameli behen, aaj raat mere kamar par thoda iodex mal dena, naachte naachte toot gayee hai meri naazuk kamariyaa”

Ch2: “Kyu nahee behna, jab bhi ye naaspeeta yuvraj batting pe aata hai, kamar toot jaati hai, ab kya bataau ghar par boodhi maa ke ilaaz aur chhote bhaai ki padhaai keliye kitne sitam jhelne padte hai humey “

Ch1: “sahee kahaa…aur to aur ye India Pakistan ke log…uffff.. chaahe kisi bhi team ka chauka padey…khush ho jaate hai..naach dekhne ko jo milta hai”

Ch2 : “Ye cameraman bhi kam nahee hai muaa, ball boundary cross karne se pehle hi itna zoom kar dete hai idhar ki mere face ke pimple bhi dikh jaaye logo ko”

A jubilant indian fan : “oye gori mem, mere saath Nach baliye-3 me chalegi?? ”

More inside scoops from the tonti tonti wolld cup and the launch of the starlets… johny hawaldar..err gaddar and Saawariyaa in the next post.

A trip to mera sasur (Mysore) - I

Long time no pee err..see !! (Song playing in my bheje ka Winamp : Pee le pee le o mere jaani pee le pee le o mere raja.. :P). the long disconnect can be well explained by the fact that this poor software trainee of a soul was subjected to a training routine which was as relentless and bey-reham as Nisha Kothari in RGV ki aag.( GBF reporter reports that the guy at the ticket counter brings along a mortein mosquito coil to his work place daily for what else but an undisturbed sleep).

At long last the training period is over and we’ll be allotted projects on the 17th of this month. If luck stays by my side, I might land up with a good development project. Chances are plum as I have scored well in the assessments (80+% overall), but bhagwaan ji has been playing an ‘Aleem dar’ offlate on my life ki innings. Dekho ji kya hota hai!!

Last weekend four of us dosts decided upon a trip to mysore. A visit to Tipu sultan’s tomb, Mysore palace and vrindavan garden with a few ancient temples dotting the route featured in the package tour. The bus was scheduled to depart on 6:45 in the morning aur wo bhi Saturday morning. Itni subah to sadak ke kutto kaa bhi alarm nahee bajta.

It was a chilled out morning and we were waiting for fellow travelers and traveleriyaas but they proved to be as disappointing as this post. We somehow managed to bring a non branded digicam along.(kuuch nahee mil raha tha yaar!! ) “Mera camera hai japani, ye ‘pantaloon’ of kishore biyani” (maaf kar do yaar hehe!!).

The dhaaba food was at its worst; I ordered a dosa which tasted like a pizza with a rich haajmola topping. Don’t dare to ask me about the paneer butter masaala that we had in the lunch. RGV ki aag par seki gayee rotiyo ke saath me paneer butter masala was like ‘no paneer but masala’. We reached tipu’s tomb at about 10 in the morning. The in house guide was speaking hindi as fluent and flawless as I speak French. Dodge this..

“Ye makbara matbal tooomb ne banvaaye tipu sultan ko in the saal 1798..”


“Aur masala dosa ne khaaya mere ko at the samay 9:30” I murmured.

Arey bhaai uski kya galti hai. Mujhe to kannada me sirf gaaliyaa aati hai wo to phir bhi hindi me bahut kuchh bol gaya.

After checking out the tomb of tipu sultan,and the burial places of his various bhaai bhateeje and bahuu betiyaa we clicked snaps with ordering some extra ‘cheese’. We were back in the bus and the next destination was the city of mysore. When the bus sped ahead on the serpentine ways up the hill I was tempted to do a “mere sapno ki raani..kab aayegi tu” but I was instantly reminded by my dost ki ‘Raani’ paap ke raaste par chal nikli hai…uski ‘chunri me daag’ lagne waala hai. Tide ka safedi challenge be damned.

Chalo bhaai baaki ki bakwaas baad me. Shahrukh ke abs ki + ‘heyy babyy’ ke babes ki kasam jaldi hi agla post chipkaaunga…

Garam Bheja Fry completes an year of its existence. Aaj mere blog ka birthday hai..kya gift laaye ho uncle!!

Tag ka agla bhaag!!

Finally, these days when I reach home after spending a day facing some fierce competition from my fellow trainees in the hallowed environs of pocket tanks, minesweeper and the likes, I find a stable internet conn at home. Arey bhai kareeb 150 gram khoon jala hai iss mardood internet conn ke peeche.. Mera ISP “dulhe miyaa…” B*%$#.(tata indicom) itna mast tha kuch din pehle tak ki raat ko gmail par sign in kar ke so jaao subah tak inbox khul jaata thaa. The condition has improved a bit and ergo blogging shuru… :)


Ye raha Tag ka agla bhaag… abhi tak kyaa hua ye jaan ne ke liye padhe Raj comics ka naveentam digest http://garambhejafry.blogspot.com/2007/08/ee-kaa-hai-babuaa.html

9. Last person who made you cry ?

Rahul dravid , with his innings in which he scored 12 runs of 16 overs in the pichhla test match. Kehte hain series jeetna pakka kar rahe the… arey bhaai kabhi suna hai Truck ke driver ko kutte ne kaat liya… The chances of England winning the test match were as bright as “buddhaa mar gaya” winning the Oscars.

10. What is your favorite perfume / cologne ?

Ek hi hai bhaai… bhikhaari se puchhte ho ki favorite katoraa kaun saa hai??... kulhaadi maarta hu roz apni gardan par (AXE iiphect)… naa to mai marta hu naa hi ‘ladkiyaa marti’ hai (mujhpe)..( oye taali bazaao re pun maara maine!!)

11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex ?

The first and foremost condition is that these assets should be intact in the opposite waale sex ki ladki (:P). As my name is abhishek a green eyed girl will do just fine.:)
Arey contact lens ki chaddi pehen ke har ‘naked eye’ rangili ho jaati hain. Dikhaawo pe naa jaao, pehle apni shakal chamkaao.
Aur yaar hair to grey nahee hone chahiye ladki ke. kam se kam godrej hair dye ke paise to bachenge mere.

12. What are you listening to ?

‘What goes around comes around’ by timbaland. Oye angrezi reader apni raised eyebrows ko rest de aur unko dharti par laa. Hum bhi angrezee gaane suntaa hoon. :D Waise gaana mast hai lekin gaane ka matlab mujhe utna hi pataa hai jitna tere ko mere agle post ke contents. :P

Maine pehle bhi kaha tha. I yumm just a Rampur ka duryodhan in bengalooru.

13. Do you get scared of the dark ?

Haa bhaai haan!! The few ghosts who read this blog please meri mazboori ka faayeda naa uthaana. The puraani haveli dwellers, historical figures up the peepal ka ped and the plush bhoots camping in the Ram gopal verma camp spare this innocent S/W-trainee soul.

14. Do you like pain killers ?

Yeah I so love them!! Raat ke khaane ke baad agar plate me ek-do pain killer naa ho to khaane ka mazaa nahee aata!! Kyu Sharma ji!!

Pain killer hai jalebiyaan thode hi hain!! Imagine your mum saying

“beta aaj maine pain killers ki sabji banaayee hai….tujhe pasand hai naa isiliye!!”

“Arey waah maa!! To phir raayeta Vicks-action-500 kaa hi banana aur agar crocin kii chutney mil jaaye to kyaa kehne”

Pain ko Chill (kill) maar yaar!!

15. Are you too shy to ask someone out ?

Aaye haaye..T-shirt ki sleeve muh me dabaa li sharam ke maare!! Oye mere Shy-ni ahuja mai inna shy bhi nahee bhaai… sharam ko mai painkillers ki sabji ke saath hi bachpan me khaa gaya tha.. haan lekin kisi ladke ko “asking out” karne me vaddi sharam aati hai jee, you know naa!! * coyily looks at his bitten nails *

16 . If you could eat anything right now , what would it be ?

Ras-malaai..bhott sahee lagti hai mainu!! Inni saari plates khaate ho..kabhi kuchh daan dharam bhi kar jaao..

17. Who was the last person you made mad ?

18th question ka answer!!

18. Is anyone in love with you ?

17th question ka answer.!! :)

Padh lo bhaiya badey dino baad!!

Hi guys , bulls and bacchdaas(calves) how have u all been?? Haan bhaai haaa!!! Meri part-time job Gumshuda talaash Kendra me lag gayee thi…apne saare gunaaho ka ikbaaliya-jurm kabool karta hu. Last one month I was as bizee as the hutch ka network on friendship day. A transformation of a bhola bhaala technically apaahij naujwaan to a Gheek with better coding skills than mulayam singh yaadav, took place. I know my sense of humour has suffered in the past 1 month and is still ‘suffer’ing in indore-bhopal passenger. Pyaare readers bear with me.

Last one month was spent in playing pocket tanks and sweeping mines and ironically I was paid for it. Then happened the assessment exams and I managed a modest assi pratishat (eighty percent for the ‘devnaagiri’li challenged) in an exam where 300 out of the 450 trainees uttered a thick maa ki gaali after seeing their results. ‘ and then we drank happily ever after. (mere ko to pepsi pee ke bhi chadh jaati hai).

Now lemme complete a long due tag :

I was tagged by Aparna in 27 B.C. (bahut puraani baat hai) and I am yet to complete the tag and so today in 2007 A.D. me ye tag poora hoga. Khoob saare kweschann aur unke jawaab.

1. Pick out a scar you have , and explain how you got it .

Mera jism koi s'car' parking lot nahee hai jii. Lekin mental scars ke baare me mat pooch zaalim. My school report cards acted as a raampuri chakku on my naazuk mental state.

My teacher used to tell me :

“Teri answer sheet to toilet paper se bhi jyaada safed rehti hai, RIN supreme se dhota hai kya”

“Nahee sir mai to haath se dhota hu, aap????”

2. What does your phone look like ?

My phone looks like raveena tendon.

Are bhaai phone hai girl friend thode hi hai. Jab poocha hai to le bhaai , My cellphone is the rajesh khanna of all phones…apne jawaani ke aakhiri din gin raha bilack Nokia 6600, ab iska price bhi itna hi hai…Rs 6600..it is as black as kaala kauwa. (Or was it Kauwaa kaaaalaa!!! In the godrej hair dye ad).

3.What is on the walls of your bedroom ?

Nerolac Nerolac!! & A life size collage of pics of kimi kaatkar and Deepak tizori in compromising positions… (kuchh jyaada hi compromise karaa diya kya?)

Miyaa hum saif ali khan nahee ki deewar par guitar chipkaaye..

Deewar se yaad aaya... ek baar mera dost kisi ladki se link kar ke mujhe chidhaa raha tha…incidentally he is also a tagdaa minister of external ‘affairs’..

“kyu beta kal shaam ko flat screen laptop (slangcheck: a plain jane) leke kaha ghoom raha tha”

“Beta jinke ghar sheeshe ke ho unki deewaro par susu nahee kiyaa karte !! “

“Wo kyu” innocently he asks

“Abey behsharami ke putle, kaanch ki deewaro par susu karega to doosri side se sab dekh lenge, isiliye dhyaan se bacchoo tere kaale kaarnaamo ka pdf document maine bit-torrent se 2 raato me dwnld kiyaa tha”

4. What is your current desktop picture ?

Current desktop par mayawati ki photo hai. Uske aas paas kopche me bipasha aur katreena chopra baith ke ludo khel rahee hai.

Waise sachee bataau to windows ka default maidaan lagaa rakhaa hai. Kya pata kab browse karte karte jarurat pad jaaye… :P

5. Do you believe in gay marriage ?

Oiii maa!! Aise personal kweshchann naa pooch t-shirt ki sleeve daanto se dabaa li hai maine..!!

arey bhaai jab miyaa-beeve.. err miyaa - miyaa raazi to kya karega kaaji!! And baabuji and maaji.

6. What do you want more than anything right now ?

Post this piece…it has been a month since I posted anything substantial on my blog. Mera hit-counter jpeg image lag raha hai..kayee dino se ek jaisaa hi hai!!

7 . What time were you born ?

I was born on a cold December morning on the 13^th ( doctor ne kaanpte haatho se evil bacche ko nikaala tha). Samay teen baj ke paintaalis minute. Ye to meri mummy ne bataaya… time dekhna to mere ko 5^th class tak nahee aaya tha.

8. Are your parents still together ?

Arey bhaai mai brad pitt aur angelina jolie ki aulaad thode hi hoon bhaai… bharat desh ki ek middal class family ka waris ka product hoon.

My parents are always together in launching a verbal assault on your’s truly. Buhuhuhu!! (baankelaal aise hi rota tha!!)

Aage kya hua jaan ne ke liye padhiye agla post…jald hi aapke najdeeki cinemagharo me…

Update: “Chak de india” ke 4 tckts have just been delivered to my doorsteps. Khush ho jaao india.

Happy independence day deshwaasiyo, ek jhanda jarur khareedna each one of you. Aakhir retirement age aa gayee apne country ki!!

Ee hai meri keyboard ki pehli kamaai...JAM magazine ka cheque.

http://garambhejafry.blogspot.com/2006/09/gr8-indian-spicy-baraat.html
Aur ye raha wo article jo publish ho gaya!!!

I yumm happy!!

Two weeks of training are over. 5 more weeks to go. My friends back home ask me “Kaun saa maheena chal raha hai”(training kaa) and I get all red. I reply “mai poore parhej barat rahaa huu…jacchaa aur bacchaa dono salaamat hai”.. our training is taking place at a hip bangy college whose students irrespective of their sex hug each other when they meet in the mornings and talk about rock concerts and hangovers. Ee Bangalore hai babua, my dost tells me. I am just a Rampur ka laxman…err..duryodhan in a big city.

My day starts at 6:30 in the morning when I wake up for a piss and then again I go back to snuggle up where I used to piss on when I was a “nappy me bhi happy” baby.

I get up at 7 and till that time the PG waala nepaali kaancha delivers the bed tea. The innocent kaancha looks at me and says :

”shhaab!! Chaai kaha rakhu!! “

“aaarggglleggglee *drool* aghhhh” with one eye open

“jee shaab!! Theek hai“

While sipping the tea I wonder philosophically looking at the morning sky from my window how come I have become a “saabji” in the space of 2 weeks. Then my roomie sardaara shouts

“Saale Bh**Ch** pankaj udhaas….. kal subah utthega kyaa??” then I realize main to abhi bhi jawaan hoon. And my snobbish “saabji” thoughts take a suicidal jump from the same window.

In another half an hour I am as ready as sameera ready oopps reddy. Four of us colg ke dost get bundled in a santro and head for the training center. Bangalore ka traffic beckons us with open arms. As we stay at the BTM layout 2^nd stage and the training center is near the electronic city office which is a shade over 9kms away from our place traffic ke lambe haath hum maasoomo ke mornings ka gala ghontne ko taiyaar rehte hai... … “aa jaa beta” the traffic says. The road looks like a parking lot. And the office goers inside the cars and buses seem to have accepted this as a part of their life and they look as calm as a sleeping gurudutt while their vehicle moves at a speed of 10 inches an hour.

When we do reach the center we idle around in the canteen checking out the girls and saambhar vadaas , and then begins a 10 hour grueling session interspersed with 3-4 extended coffee breaks and a lunch break where we get the “fokut ka khaana”. Half of the class is occupied with my colg friends so fultoo masti.

On our way back who else but Atif, raeth and few other Pakistanis rub malham on the mental jakhms of us S/W engnnrs by their voice. When we are back at our residence dinner vagairah leke.. begins a happy hour where 12 of us colg ke dost (alllaah kaa shukar hai we are all in the same building) get together for what we call as “The happy hour” your’s truly hosts it proudly and in that period of time we guys laugh our ass off , jokes on every thing under the sun, moon and baanki ke pilanet. Din bhar ke Stress ki maa ki… :D

Kuchh photu-shotu dekh lo…

Rajdhani express ka ek coach..shukar hai gali ke kutte nahee ghoom rahe bas unhi ki kami hai

Traffic rules gaye chulhe me..

Mera gurucool...yaha mujhe hal chalaane ki training di jaati hai..

Oye cybercafe nahee hai re.. mera classroom hai ye..yahee mujhe 10 ghante roz mazdoori karni padti hai

Mera saaf suthra room...Beds ke beech me distance ko note kiya jaaye me-lordd!! :P

Ek kaam ki baat. Jaankaar dost se ek gujaarish hai...mujhe Sys UNIX domain se navaaja gaya hai aur mera telecom mera horizontal hai..iss combo ke saath mai kitne teer chala sakta hu..thodaa torch maar yaar ispe. battery mai khareed dunga tension nakko.

bang bang!!

Iss sentence ko likhne ke dauraan iss keyboard ke ek bahaadur sipaahi – backspace key par bahut atyaachaar huaa hai. All-india-backspace-key-bachaao-samiti ne raajyapaal ko ek gyaapan diya hai. Aur hadtaal ki dhamki bhi saath me speedpost ki hai.

Phewhh!! Enuf of bakwaas, its my 4th day in the garden cITy of India and the weather has been as sexy as Katrina kaif, priyanka chopra and Bipasha “tripling” on a TVS champ (moped) and the laffu chhokras either side of the street throwing buckets of water on the giggly chicks as they glide by singing “why should boys have all the fun” (hehe boys are still having fun!!).

It all started when I boarded the Bangalore bound Rajdhani exp from Bhopal at such a time when even engineering students go to sleep (alone ..mind you!!). One of my “dilli ka dost” had booked my tkts from delhi and I needed to board the train from Bhopal (Sat sri tatkaal!). When the train arrived and I was about to embark upon the tirain a TT sahib popped up like a matrimonial ad of shaadi.com. He asked me to show him the ticket. (Shakal to allaah ki den hai ab mai chor-uchakka dikhta hu to it izz naat my faalt). I fished out the ticket from a andheri pocket and showed it to him. The TT gave me a left-eyebrow-raised “iss baar to bach gaye bacchuu” look. I gladly climbed the steps making a mental note that jab boodhaa ho jaaunga to ek film banaaunga iske saath picture ka naam “Khuddaar TT” - agar tumhe train par WT chadhna hai to tumhe meri laash ke upar pair rakh ke jaana hoga ”.

When I did reach the compartment somehow, I found my friend happily wrapped up in a railway blanket ready to be exported. Mine was the middle berth (3 tier ki ruswaaiyaan!!). The eunuchs never ask for money from the people lying on the middle berth, kyuki unko bhi pata hai ki “ye to beech kaa hai”. I stretched my legs lying on the “beech kaa berth”. It was 5 in the morning.

After about two hours my friend woke up and after poking me in my ribs nearly 27 times he woke me up as well. When I looked at him groggily He asks me with a innocent smile on his face “ tu kab aaya yaar!!”. He’s a sardar FYI. I thought of yelling a “teri **** ki.. jagaaya kyu??“. but it wasn’t my colg hostel so I managed with a “ yaar mai to tere suitcase me tha….tune dekha nahee &^%$@ “ (bachpan me padhaa tha ki jab bhi daaku dhamaaka singh ko chacha chaudhary ullu banaata tha wo aise hi gaaliya bakta tha “$#%^@” wohi dekh ke seekh gaya main).

One other uncleji was waiting anxiously for me to descend so that he could lower the berth and run thru the Economic times editorials. (yaar aisee hi junta aati hai..Where are those good old Manohar kahaaniyaa readers). Sharam ke maare I descended.

On the opposite berth there was a newly wed couple which had no qualms in coochie-cooing in public. ( and you guessed it right I had no qualms as well muhaha!!). Saale saahab bhi saath me the the official kabaab me haddi-washing machine me chaddi was a 2nd year engineering student. And no prizes in guessing that his sister was “the ideal aunty” :D . They were residents of Bangalore and they were trying to flaunt this fact. When I asked her husband when do we get the “fokut ki bed tea”.

He said “ abhi tak to aa jaani chahiye normally to aa jaati hai, humaara aana jana to issi train se hota hai u know!!”

“ohh…ok” I sighed.

I expected them to say in chorus “Hum to susu karne bhi raajdhani se jaate hai”.

Saale saab was busy hitting on a giggly sardaarni of the same age as his.

Sample this.

“ Engineering kar rahee ho?? “

“hihihihi *giggle* haan”

“Stream kaun si hai??”

“hihihi!! wo kyaa hota hai?? Hihihihi “

“Close-up use karti ho yaa happydent chabaati ho??”

“hihihihihi”

I slept through most parts of the journey only waking for the fokut ka lunch, dinner, jumpin, pepsi, soup etc. The next morning we reached a chilled out Bangalore. Temperature was below 20 degrees. The munda from dilli my dost, was about to collapse of hypothermia . (dili ki garmi huhaha!!).

Chal baaki ki kahaaniyaa baad me sunaaunga Sify Iway ka quota poora ho gaya. MG road aur brigade road ki jhalkiyo ke saath. I know without pics this post is looking like a ved prakash Sharma ka jaasoosi upanyaas (novel). Kal Monday hai kal se mere kandhe par hal daal diya jaayega, kaano me mother india ke gaane lagaa ke khet jutwaayenge .Lunch me roomaal me roti baandh ke le jaaunga aur kisi tree ke neeche baith ke khoon paseene ki roti khaaunga.buhuhu!! The training starts tomorrow.

Bangalored !?!

21st june 0635 : Touchdown Bangalore!!

Mumma's baby to an earning brat!! hope the transition is smooth!! ( Topaz ke razer jaise)

P.S : I am gonna start a photo-blog soon.

P.p.s : Frustoons got DP'ed. :)

Itchy i'll do the tag soon. Gimme some time and i'll reply to all the comments. :)

Frustoons updated!!!

(Click on the image to enlarge)

For more such pieces visit the home-page of Frustoo-the engineering student. c ya there. :)

Garambhejafry aa gaya!!!

Phewhh!! A trip to the land of Sivaji (-the boss) kept me away from my thela and my beloved customers (some of them ran away with the cheap crockery when they visited the deserted bhejafry stall. Ab to 'a khoon ki holi' is on the cards). Last week was hectic to say the least. The script for the week was written on one fine lazy Monday morning when I groggily logged in to gmail. One of my friends who happens to be placed in the same company as I am, was online. The rest of the batch mates suspect his parents set his gmail username and password before they gave him his first name. Imagine a dialogue

"oye chintu_cool beta !! khaana thanda ho raha hai"

"Mummy!! chunni_cute online hai..saal bhar me ek baar online aati hai!!"

My call center ka paseena type dost wasted no time in tapping the keys as he called me on gtalk right away, a minute into our conversation he let out a big "yipppeeeeee" sandwiched between two *Beeps*. I dint need to ask the reason, the mail for which we were waiting for had seduced our inboxes. We were asked to report on 22nd June at the sarjapur office in Bangalore. I have heard enough about the traffic of Bangalore where people use the traffic jams as their parking solution, leave your car there in the morning and find it 10 mts displaced in the evening. (jyaada ho gaya mainu pata hai :P).

But the ordeal had just begun, we had to rush to Chennai to get a formal medical chk up done from a particular hospital specified by Wipro.( Haija, pechis, TB, pet dard, kabjiyat ka test) Tatkal maata ki jai ho. We got our tickets booked for the same day and the thela was bound to be deserted. The train journey to Chennai from Bhopal was like doing a nageena dance half naked lying on the asphalt of Delhi streets. Maa kasam phat gayee. Accompanying me in my compartment were a couple of sleepy Kadar khan look alike uncles and my friend Rahul (oye rahul aa raha hu treat lene bhopal..tere ko pata hai kyu!! :p.). After the train crossed Nagpur at about 2 in the afternoon mast pavan chali and the sun was enveloped by mere future se bhi jyaada dark clouds, the kadar khans woke up rubbing their eyes and regions south of their anatomy. Every body let out heavy sighs of relief which then again caused the temperature inside to rise. (Were they really sighs of relief which led to a temperature-rise in the com'fart'ment??)

Rahul had recently acquired a N70 and so he was hell-bent on some video clips to be taken. Yours truly was the commentator as I described the weather and other finer details of a typical train journey. The video came out to be really phunny and I heard lot of guys enjoyed it. And if kader khans were on board who could stop aruna iranis from boarding the train, and as the train crawled ahead on the red hot rails it gathered enough of the kind from the platforms that dotted the route.

Yaar AC ke tkt nahee mile..kee karta..

Bitchy aruna iranis, sleepy Kadar khan look alikes who snore from two different traps of their anatomy, chunkey pandey chaap students (read “us!!”), Paan-beedi-playing cards waalas who have been taught in their childhood that all train passengers are ch***ya (they try to sell you solitaire cards for the price of a computer), haaye haaye Eunuchs (chakkaas) singing and dancing on "kajra re.." and when they refer to you as 'Salman khan' you have to oblige them with a smiling Gandhi baba, an inevitable verbal clash between the waitlisted passengers and the persons who have their berths confirmed (the words they use reminds me of my hostel days ..Aahh those days when you could call a spade a spade and a *beep* a *beep*!!.)..well this is what that sums up a typical train journey while travelling 2nd class.

Phewhh!! I am glad I am back to my thelaa.by the way have you ever heard idioms like Choohe ke mooh me pohe, langoor ke haath me angoor?? or lets put it this way, Imagine angelina jolie wearing a Relaxo ki chappal to the cannes film festival or may be george clooney wearing a lux-cozi with enough holes in it to make it look like a map of Lakshadweep, and if you are still struggling to picture this have a look at this pic.

Vinod kambli and his (much much muchaamuch) better half!!