Aunty mat kaho naa!!

Aunty. Whenever we hear this word a mental sketch comes out of the bheje ka printer, forming an image that resembles a particular aunty which you loved, hated or respected(?) when you were a chhotu kid. But for me this word reminds me of none other than the gruesome and huge, the sabjiwaala's nightmare herself - 'Pados ki Chopra aunty'. She looked huge in her salwar kurta. When i stood near her , from a distance it looked like a japanese tourist standing beside the Statue of liberty.

I was a "Bhery naaaty buoy" according to Chopra aunty, who used to say this while grabbing my cheeks with her pincers (oops were they hands??) and nearly lifting me off the ground. With a swollen red cheek I would mutter under my breath the very few expletives (like "kutti" , "kamini"..oye reader don't raise your eyebrows. tu bhi bolta tha jhooth mat bol !! :p) I saved for such occasions. I very well know the fact that all the Aunties in this ' world of uncles' are not as sweet as Chopdee. ( We li'l scoundrels could think of just this nick!!)

So here i am trying to once again 'Munaf patel ke gaalo se bhi jyaada rough-ly classify the types of aunties in akkhaa-India :-

1) Middal class ki desi aunty :-

On a lazy winter morning when the sun is out and you hear the colony ka sabjiwaala hawker passing by announcing :-

"Aaloooo pyaaz bhindi tamaatar le lo-ooooooo...."

You hear a shrill voice from a balcony... "O sabjiwaale bhaiyaaaaaa ..... pyaaz kaise diye...". says a petite lady with her hair done in a bun over her head and a jhaadoo in her one hand. She's still wearing the nighty (night gown) and that's what is the trademark of this category of aunties. She's the bargain queen of the land. Here's the foreplay of the great game.

"Didi le jaao bohni ka tame(time) hai....20 rupay ke 2 kilo.." the hawker fed up with the daily-bargain-trauma tries to surrender early. The Aunty is no mood to let go of him this easy.

"Ruk aati hu neeche" She tucks the few loose strands of hair that have spilled on to her face, behind her ears with the same hand that carries the jhaadoo. Auntyji descends down the stairs wearing the same gown.

"haa bhaiya..kitna bhaav bataya... !!!" says she in an almost threatening tone.

"Bhenji!! 12 rupay kilo ka bhaav hai...aap 20 me 2 kilo le jaao..bolo tol doo 2 kilo??" he's ever so eager to close the deal.


"LOOT RAHA HAI KYA TU....pyaaz bech raha hai ya gehne??...aise sadey galey pyaaz mai 12 rs me khareedu tere se??..ye neembu ke size ke pyaaz humey tikaa raha hai tu... meri kaamwaali baai bhi naa khareede ye to !!!!" She shifts to top gear and has nearly run over the poor sabji waala.

"Didi...mandi me jaake pooch lo isse kam bhaav kahee nahee......" he comes down to his last resort.

"Oye Mandi se parso hi munnu ke papa 8 rupay ke bhaav pyaaz laaye hai...mujhe mat sikha mandi-wandi !!..8 rupay me dena hai to de warna waise bhi mujhe bahut kaam hai" Killer blow. In the meantime one more nighty-clad aunty arrives to the scene.

"Dekh naa manju loot raha hai ye bhaiya...10 RUPAYY bata raha hai bhaav pyaaz kaa" she tries to gather her army by coaxing one more of her kind in to the pricing war.

"Itte kam me to nahee de sakta mai...mandi se hi le lena pyaaz.." sabji waala is heart broken.

"Jaa jaa nahe chahiye......Ambani ke ghar jaake thelaa lagaaiyo..achee bikri hogi.." And then she mock parades back to the stairs. She knows the sabjiwala will crumble and surrender to her desired rate. And thats what happens..

"Achaa bhenji bohni khoti ho jaayegi..diyaa 8 rupay me....le jaao...Jeene mat do humey!! " he says in a defeated tone and loads the balance with the onions.

Auntyji comes back gladly and throws a winning smile at manju who is a trainee in the bargain game and then says she -

"Arey bhaiya tum to mandi lagaaoge, bade seth banoge aur tum jeene marne ki baat kar rahe ho!!"
the sabjiwala is indifferent to the cajoling as he looks helplessly at the auntyji picking up the ripe onions.

The game is won.

She is the apni indian aunty who can even bargain with a vending machine. She's omnipresent. The typical indian Housewive. The target audience of the Balaji telefilms.

The "khana khaa ke jaana" attitude even towards strangers endears her to everyone. All their husbands have a similar nickname that's - 'Ajee' as in " Ajee aap naa bade 'wo' ho!!". She has no rigid career goals and she is happy with the 450 rs she makes by teaching hindi to chunnu,muunu and bunty (colony ke natkhat chhokrey).

2) The sophisticated Page 3 aunties :-

It has been echoed a zillion times by a million feminists (aunties) around the world that "Behind every successful/controversial man there is an aunty". And true it is, while their husbands create all the ruckus on the page 1 of the newspapers, just behind them on the page 3 their better halves(Aunties) clad in backless blouses and designer jewellery, dazzle the page. The self professed socialites say they are doin it for a cause, to feed the poor li'l children in "God-knows-where"-istan. They are the "Driver gaadi nikaalo, party ke liye der ho rahee hai" types who refer to the top fashion designers by their first name. (for ex "Manish" and "Vikram" for Manish malhotra and Vikram phadnis).

These ladies often try to cite references to their recent phoren trips in unrelated conversations. Dodge this

In some random party :-

Mrs Roy : "Hey just have a look at Mrs laalwaani. Such a gaudy saaree she's wearing. looks like those '25% Festival discount' types...*giggle* "

Mrs Mehra : "And her sleeveless blouse OMG. makes her look like one of those obese brazillian grandmas in the Reo carnival. You know what I saw a lot of women like her when i was holidaying in Brazil this summer"

*more giggles*

3) The newbie aunty on the block :-

The ever so shy and coy newly wed aunty who has just moved in to the house across the street much to the thrill of the gully cricket playing teens. As she has just been married, her wardrobe is replete with bright colored ravishing saarees and suits, which she flaunts when she goes out for that "Evening walk" with her hubby , amidst sighs from the lukkhaas of the colony. Her mehendi hasn't faded away yet and she wears a full stack of bangles 24x7 err... 16x7 (Bhaai ab choodiyaan pehena ke hi sulaaoge kya...8 ghante sone bhi do!!).

and the gully cricket playing chhokraas talk

"Oye sharma jee waale ghar me naya maal aaya hai" one of the excited teens breaks the news.

"O teri..phir dekhne ko kab milega.." In chorus

"Shaam ko nikalti hai, arey yaar aunty to maal hai lekin uska pati to shakal se hi ch**iya dikhta hai !!" An absolute cliche it is.

"Bhaiye aisa hi jamaana hai langoor ko hi grape(angoor) juice peene ko milta hai...*sighh* " and they heave a big sigh together.

Just a fleeting glance at the husband was enough for the gully ka chhokraas to rechristen him as a 'langoor', his IIM degree notwithstanding. Poor hubbies ; their wives are the most sought after aunties for the designer karwachauth parties.

Dhaarmic aunties and the teacher aunties to be discussed next!! :)