Movie-theater!!

Gandhi jayanthi popularly known as a national holiday and more popularly known as a dry day, falling on a weekday looks as cute on the calendar as celina jaitley, bipasha basu and saaddi manjeet (the silly village girl) on an atlas ki cycle. We decided in favour of a movie outing, we had two options to pick from- Johny Jamadaar err.. gaddar and bourne ultimatum (sounds like a harry potter spell).

PVR was the nearest haunt for us 'Mawalis' to 'see' more than just the movie. Soon we reached the ticket Q preceeded by some roaring laughter and heavy handed back slapping. Let me describe the scene there, when the crowd saw us arrive.

Girls with artificially straightened hair frowning with disgust, their "darling-where's-your-ass-i-m-feelin-licky-licky" type boyfriends making apprehensive faces, few wary and thus balding uncles reaching out to their back pockets to ensure the safety of their wallets , Fat aunties in sleeveless blouses clasping on to their handbags tight with their flabby arms ; All this followed our arrival to the scene. ( Due apologies to those few kind hearted readers who claim they aren't the likes of the ppl described above but infact are. )

An inky-pinky-ponky played among us friends decided as to who will stand in the ticket queue where some skimply clad girls (read chicks) were jostling for some elbow room much to the fascination of us young blooded brats who were ready to lend an elbow. ;).

We got the tickets for the late night show of 'Bourne ultimatum' after my 'inglish isspeeking' friends decided in favour of 'Bourne baba'.The tickets were getting booked at the speed of dinesh karthick running a 100m frog race carrying Smriti irani (tulsi) on his shoulders. So we dint have much of a problem in getting the tickets and what followed provided me with the 'maal' for this post..

The 'fillum dekhni waali' junta can be 'meri pajaame se bhi jyada loose'-ly classified into :-

1) Bizznesshh-man unkils, the "maal-consignment nahee" pahucha types –

Imagine a situation when you are watching 'chak de india' in a theater with your GF/BF/MF (MF-Mother Father :|), shahrukh is delivering that sattar minute pep talk, you all are riveted to your seats, utter silence in the hall, and then you hear a shrill mono ring-tone beating out some crappy reshamiya number.. The culprit uncle behind you picks up his phone..

"Haa bunty bol, cement load ho gaya kya??...maal load karke truck waale se raseed le liyo.... Bh*c**d Lallan baalu me mitti milaa raha hai..bolna saale ko payment late milega..chal be raseed kaat ke dobaara phone kariyo..."

When you hear this you feel like someone just emptied a truckload of baalu-mitti on your head. When the ankilji talks he keeps the phone at an 45 degree angle to his ear and he talks loud..so loud that even the shrewd popcorn waala outside knows who bunty is and lallan's sis needs to be wary of his brother.

2) "Corner seat par dard-e-disco"- the coochie coo couples-

In a queue a plump guy wearing a shirt with floral prints accompanying a bon-shy girl (bon-shy - a short and ever so shy girlie) is standing near the ticket counter. The guy announces with a naughty smile playing on his face. Rajesh khanna is proud of him.

"Bhaai saahab!! 2 CORNER seat dena…" he throws a pervert smile at the girl. The sharmili ladki squeaks. and so does the ticket waala.

When the couple leaves , a guy in his teens says to the tkt counter guy out of sheer desperation :-

"Bhaiyaaa!! inke BAGAL WAALI ek seat dena...INKE BAGAL WAALI" he's panting

"Kyo be ek saath do pictures dekhega kya....beta agar teri age above 18 hai tabhi ticket milega" counter waala retorts.

These are the couples which have no other place left, to show their 'pyaar ki taakat' and their 'sacche pyaar ki nishaani'. The parks are no longer safe with 'slap'py-happy policewaalahs at large and beaches(read : bandstand) to har city me hai nahee. Moreover the safety of cinema halls lies in the fact that they are too dark for any cell phone camera to render any potential juicy MMS.

The CSC (corner seat couples) association has recently felicitated Ram gopal verma for his contribution to the cause of the CSC. Movies like RGV ki aag, Darling, James, Naach compelled some 27 seats to escape out of the empty theater. Even the poor non-living seats didn't stand a chance against the brilliance of RGV.

The CSC with their adept "hand-eye coordination" show some real skills in pulling off some amazing maneuvers in the confines of the two seats inside the theater. "Haath ki safaai" they say. Long live CSC and may thou always manage to get a seat next to 'em . Amen!

3) Giggly girls in groups!! -

This is the group that brings in the revenue for the owner of the theater/multiplex. They are the second biggest attraction after the movie itself. All the mawaalis (read :us) decide on a movie after looking at the "quality" of the queue.

Chemically straightened hair with a highlight, heels that may puncture the floor, enough kaajal around their eyes to manufacture 3 blackboards, clothes as vulgar as this post; all this makes them the 'hot talking point' at the guy's respective hostel/PG/flat at nights after the show gets over. These girls cackle together whenever there's a sniff of humor in the movie. They are not as silly as saaddi manjeet and carry their 250 gm attitude well. These girls look to have bread crumbs for their dinner as they have pledged to wear their wedding ring around their waists.

Once inside the theater when you have plopped down on your seat and have planned to rest your feet on top of the seat ahead in the same 'Raja babu' isshtyle, suddenly a girl or a group of girls of the variety explained above come up to your seat and maintaining a stiff face say "Excuse me!! please...". you look at the angel eyed girl like a drunken monkey with your mouth open and then you realize you have to sit upright to give her way. She doesn't even look at you. And then when you reach home you boast among your friends as how you and the girl talked and exchanged family history and "samay ka to pata hi nahee chala ki kab nikal gaya".

4) Chaalu Chhokraas - "the wannabe dudes"-


Ideally this group follows the giggly girls and so it does here. The wannabe dudes come to the theater emptying half of their respective hair-gel tubes on their scalp. From the maafia look to the Chu**ya look each style is well represented by the dude fraternity.

Normally these guys come late to the theater. They would stand in front of the screen and in a fake attempt to search their friends they check out the girls and note down the GPS coordinates of the 'talented' girlies. Most of the dudes look like models who have walked the "Rampur ka ramp". And each time during the intermission, when they look at the price list of the food-items inside the multiplex (For ex 2 samosas for Rs. 50) they utter a thick (maa behen ki ) gaali under their breath. (which is perfectly justified).

The Popcorn waala scoffs at them and the guy at the metal detector double checks them before letting them in. Dudes wonder when they will earn enough to be able to buy popcorn and stuff without having to worry about the gain of calory and the loss of salary.

5) The blogger uncles :-

These are the super quiet types. Even the empty seat makes more noise than them. These are the super elite french bearded reviewers and blogger types. They often come in twos and sip a single cup of coffee thru the entire movie.

"There's is some sloppy sditing in the frames numbered 40-45..." one of them whispers to the other.

not to be left behind the other guy squeaks "yep!! moreover the screenplay slackens at times."

A dude from behind

"Sirji !! abhi picture shuru nahee huyee hai...ye to vicco vajradanti ka ad dikha rahe hai , jiske screenplay ka aap operation kar rahe ho"


That sums it up..bahut likh diyaa bhaai!! keyboard ki keys se letters gaayab ho gaye hai ghis ghis ke...chal jab tak mai keyboard paint karta hu... tu comment kar de!!