Advertisements kaise kaise!!!

Advertisements: A 30 to 40 seconds long visual message often used for communicating to the viewer some vital information ranging from the the ills of "saadharan tikiya ki dhulaai" to the secrets of "phoolon see komal twacha". I fondly remember those lazy sunday mornings when i waited (after nahaa dho ke and all cream powder laga ke) with bated breath for the Sadabahaar geeto ka pirogram 'Rangoli'. Hema malini who hosted the show would say "Ab hum sunenge madan mohan dwara sangeetbaddh aur mohammad rafi ka gaaya huaa ye geet..lekin usse pehle hum lenge ek chota saa break".

And then we all would sit there like a dead rock braving some 37 ads of various 'saabun-tel-chaddi-baniyaan brands'. The T.V. remote, which has always been the adman's nemesis, was as useless as a decade old proxy server address. (for logging in to orkut). We had no other choice and therefore we by hearted as to which soap should we trust for our "tandarusti ki raksha" and for getting rid of our "mail ke keetaanu". We were warned about the kabj, gas and acidity ke raakshas which can only be exterminated by those Bhaavnagar waale hunters with their guns loaded with Kaayam churn. Melody was always chocolatee and there was no denying the fact that Borolin was the original 'khushbudar antiseptic cream'. Hamdard ka tonic cincara was a must have for the budding IT professionals and Saundarya saabun nirma was the secret of success of Sonali bendre.

And in the end it was always the "Aaraam ka maamla hai" for the erstwhile flamboyant dudes wearing VIP undies contradictory to the other shy , self conscious half for whom it was still an "Andar ki baat hai".

The ad world has changed hasn't it. So here once again I am trying to segregate the types of ads which run just before the host is about to announce as to "kaun sii jodi iss hafte contest se out hone waali hai"..

1) The Aaj tak chaap ads...the cheap 10-15 second ads:- The only channel featuring such ads are the 24/7 Hindi news channels which boasts of just the right target audience for the products whose ads they run. No matter how important the news being covered the news readers make room for a commercial break...Sample this

Nagma : .Jaisa ki aapko pata hai, orissa ke tatwarti ilaako me samudri tufaan se marne waalo ki sankhya lagatar badhti jaa rahee hai, humaare samvaad daata sanjay baraakta ghatnasthal pe maujood hai, aaiye unhi se puchte hai wahaa ke taaza haalaat...

Nagma : "Sanjay humare darshako ko bataaiye wahaa ke haalaat kaise hai??"

Sanjay: "Jee nagma mai iss wakt samandar ke beecho beech ek naav par kuchh machuaaro ke saath fasaa hu...gaur karne waali baat ye hai ki..abhi ek badee leher humaari or aa rahee hai.."

Nagma : "Kya aap bata sakte hai kitni badee leher hogi sanjay??"

Sanjay : "*gulp* Nagma hummari naav palat gayee...*gulp* bachaao *gulp* ..mai naav ko pakad kar latka hoon !!.."

Nagma : "Sanjay aap humaare saath line par bane rahiye aur uss naav ko pakde rakhiye..ab samay ho chala hai chhote se break kaa. sanjay phir haazir honge break ke baad"

Sanjay : "Iss bulletin ke praayojak hai Barnala TMT sariyaa..... *gulp* *gulp* *gulp*...."

During the break u see celebrities (?) of the likes of Aman verma cleaning random toilet seats. He barges into a house after announcing "Aaiye chalte hai neeta ji ke ghar??"

"Apna toilet dikhaaiye!!" he says. Neetaji is taken aback with a battery of cameramen zooming into her nostrils. She manages with a "Andar Bunty ke papa baithe hain!!" as she pushes bunty's chaddi with her feet (which was lying on the floor) under the sofa unless the cameras zoom into the fibers of the undie. It is evident that the naughty boy slipped out of his bare essentials in a state of utter bowel emergency.

"Aaj hum dikhaa ke rahenge apna safedi challenge..nikaaliye uncle ko toilet se!!!!" And then Aman's safedi challenge waalas do the rest. (this word "rest" can be expanded to generate a pile of toilet humor.. but I refrain from it..theek kiya naa?? :P)

Then he raises the toilet cleaner bottle and announces ,

"H***** ka safaai challenge Aa raha hai aapke nazdeeki toilet-gharo me !! "

After this u see Shekhar sumans and the Siddhus of the industry marketing cheap Japanese inverters and UPS, Character artists of the 90's swearing about the "Jaan!! " (life) in random cements and TMT sariyaas, failed actresses sipping unknown "assam ke bagaano se chuni" random chaai and getting bowled over ; All of it in just 15 seconds. The cost of producing the ad is nearly equal to the price of (one unit of) the product being advertised.

The motive is pretty clear hire a cheap celebrity, tell him to blabber about the product like "Aaj hi apnaaiye / Aisa sunehra mauka haanth se naa choonke / ye hai mera pakka vaada", and wishing that junta will swarm in to the shops like mad Sreesanths and lap up all sariyas, cements and inverters kyuki "Shekhar suman ji kaa waada hai". Bah!

2) Biker ads - With extra premium dude quotient: - These ads are targetted at our colony's wannabe dudes with a cup of extra testosterone in their veins. Their "about me" section in their respective orkut profiles is replete with words like Attitude / don't give a damn /cool / hunk / I make my own road. Their answer sheets may resemble the comment page of a newbie blogger but when their father asks them

"Naalayak , kabhi apne future ke baare me sochaa hai"

They shrug it off with a- "Thinking...is such a waste of time dad !! " and they put on the helmet to take on the world.

This is the same philosophy which's professed in these ads. An ultra cool metro sexual hunk wearing black shades and buckled up in black leather gear, would be shown cruising along on a snazzy bike. And then out of nowhere a chick clad in short pants (and wearing a million other accessories) would ask for a lift. This gives the dude a chance to test his disc brakes and perform a front wheel wheelie (apna colony wala brat utters a thick expletive (*#@*%) out of excitement seeing just that).

When the biker touches ground, He lifts his helmet over his head and delivers a smart-ass line something to the effect of

"A girl who looks a $million, must grace my bike's pillion"

The girl is bowled over and wastes no time in jumping on the pillion seat and then she utters an enlightening line looking sensuously into the camera which if put plainly for all lay-men and lay-women , is

"Bike laa, Maal pataa".

Apna colony ka Vickies and Ronnies coax their respective daddies for the same bike to at least score over the tinas and leenas of the locality. "Be a rebel" (hindi me -> Chori kar, daaka daal lekin bike khareed, bina bike tu "incomplete man"(C*kka) hai) thats the philosophy they want to cultivate in the minds of apna lukkhaas of the colony.

c) We understand you- hum samajhte hai type of ads:-

These are the ads floated by the banks and insurance companies, which claim they know your needs better than you do. They often play around with relations like father-daughter, mother-son, husband-wife, HR guys- Rest of the employees (oops cut the last one). What pessimism is for a brat , translates to future-security for an elderly.

These ads are often strung into a soft background song which talks about the benefits of long term investment and strength of relations. And in between these sweet nothings the ad walaahs manage to slip in some numbers like interest rates and term of deposit. But they want you to frown at the fat numbers with a winning line -

"Arey bhaai meri beti ke future ka sawaal hai".

These guys have all the answers to the questions like "Rahul ke phoren ejjucation ke paise kahaa se aayenge??", "Bitiya ki shaadi bhi karni hai??". Character artists from the television industry feauture prominently in such ads and with their weepy antics try to infuse such emotion that you crave for a bitiya first and then her shaadi.

Three more types to be explained....we'll discuss them in my agla post!!