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Monday, September 04, 2006

The gr8 Indian *spicy* baraat


Note: This post is based on my experiences of a baaraat attended last winter.

Its the shaadi season on...right now...with every other day a fanatic and jubilant baaraat passing by our street..last saturday i was pushed into one..my good ol' neighbour deshmukh ji's son was getting married...

I hadn't had much shit shared with his eldest son...so i was reluctant to attend the function (actually my cablewallah promised to show a 'hot' flick that night...which i wanted to enjoy undisturbed..that aggravated my reluctance)...well but in such matters mum's the word and she had promised deshmukhi (mrs deshmukh) that the whole family wud be present...so there was no way out...
Well for a teenager these wedding parties can be summed up as:

a) chance to see hot chicks in traditional wear

b) exhibit their kick ass dancing skills

c) and some real good food

(well the last one appealed to me the most...despite not being a teenager but a big foodie)...

The baraat had to march for about 3-4 kms before reaching the desti.....the baraat was getting ready to depart from deshmukhji's house to some marriage garden.

I could hear the "hello 123 mike check" and the occasional blares of the saxophone.as the baraat was preparing to move.... i gelled my hair dressing up formally.i had to put a pullover on as a stamp of my mother's authoritry...(comeon!! pullovers are so "budhaape ki nishanni")...i joined the bandwagon.....

The air was thick with smell of scent and perfumes..as if the spray bottles were used like fire extinguishers...the baraat had three sections ..

1) At the front was the baraat gaadi with the singer(?) in it and the sound system.the shaky gaadee had the singer with a real shaky voice...just following the baraat gaadee were a grp. of over ecstatic children dancing on self choreographed moves...looked like "popcorns over a hot pan" from a distance...

2)the second section was of those "the complete men" in dark colored suits...marching gallantly with frowns on their faces..( these were the why-the-hell-i-came types......i was one of them)....whispering in each other's ears occasionally registering their contempt...and there were some neo-suitclad brats(those wearing it for the 1st time) were basking in the ambitious stares thrown from the chicks...

That grp included the groom's younger brother who was trying to show he was real busy and concerned by keeping a fancy cellphone stuck to his ear...no guesses he was NEXT

3)..The last section but the most glamorous section had all the ladies and the "to be" ladies...were sparkling as if been giftwrapped...the section was led by the all so important the groom on a ghodee...with a smile pasted on his face....the pasted smile wud fall over often with any wrong step taken by the ghodee..."kyuki dulhe ki phati huyee hai..." a whispered sentence i overheard..

The ladies were moving like thick clot...well i filtered a few refined maals(items!!) from the lady bheed..and i was content with occasional exchange of smiles with them.....

As the baraat was moving thru the colony....i was dumbfounded by the never-seen-before sightings...the great indian baaraat is such a glorious and majestic affair that it pulls out the most sophisticated and introvert people out of their houses to have a look at it,whomsoever house the baraat passes by.....
So the baraat attracted those aunties and gals who were restricted to the confines of their home by their hubbies and parents...prohibiting the mawaali's like us to have a "good" look at them....newly wed aunties with their ruffled attire..the unmanaged flowing silky hair falling on those sleepy eyes..and such innocent lips...the just-out of-the bed look....made them look more sexier....where the hell these gems were hidden...
The chicks in the baaraat whom i bartered a few smiles with, were caught off-guard when they saw me staring at "greener pastures"....

As the baraat left the colony premises and ...was nearing it's finish line..i.e. the marrg. garden...the 20 something lads began to shake their booty in between giggles of the dumber chicks who were waiting for this...they began to dance viciously...and some of the overexcited were spraying shaving foam over the dancing samsons to produce the "effect"...

One of the jubilant lad was spraying from a gillettte can...was poked in the ribs by an elder and taken to one corner and was reprimanded for wasting such expensive variety and was told to spray from some cheaper alternatives..and saving the expensive can for magnum opus performances.......
And soon the older "lads" the 35+ brigade was pushed on to the dance floor (the road that is!!)...these hair dyed,potbelly uncles know only one style of dancing patented in the 1970's...throwing their arms in air and lifting one leg and jumping....probably trying to bhaangra but failing miserably...
Some of them pulled out 50-100 notes(money bills!) from their wallets and were ready to part with it..(this is a tradition in the indian baraats to tip the bandmen for playing with more josh and energy.)....the drummers and the bandmen's eyes lit up seeing the notes come out...they began to play with a new energy...

Those uncles with the bills in their hands were trying to exhibit their extravagance...and wouldn't let loose of the money lest at least 50 people see the note going in the pockets of the bandmen..so that those 50 talk about the generousity of the so n so uncle after the marriage to the other 100...
One of the uncles when reached out for his wallet "to do the act"...he found it missing....well one of the bandmen saved him from the effort of pulling the 50 rupee bills out of the wallet and jumping umpteen times before letting it loose..and giving it to the bandmen..his pocket was picked by one of the bandmen...
The wallet transferred directly from the uncle's pocket to the bandman's pocket without seeing the light of the day(oops!! night)...this is what i call P2P transfer..pocket 2 pocket (this pun goes to all fella S/W engnnrs)......
Some of the aunties were asking my mum "kyaa likh rahaa hai abhishek..." when i was noting the "finer points" of the baraat..my mum ordered me to abandon whatever crap i was up to and pretend to look more involved and happy just like everyone else was....i meekly followed her instructions...*making a baiju baawra face whose patriarchal sitar has just been snatched*

The baraat reached its desti and there was some fireworks display amidst the shrieks and cheers from the gals.
And it was all over with the dulha entering the marriage garden after getting down from the ghodee...to get ready to ride another ghodee (oops!! adult material)....


Update : The couple is happily married but without any "khushkhabri" aur "Muh meetha karaao" news.Seems the saddle is still there btwn the dulha n the ghodi. :))


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16 Mirch lagi kya?? paani piyo yaha..

Blogger Gaurav Jain said...

Accha description hai typical Indian baraat ka... chicks in sarees and the "greener pastures" elsewhere are sure a treat on any indian wedding, including the food and the "dance showoffs". your description of the "bhangra" style dance by the semi-elders was hilarious (but true), and that of the pick-pocket added the necessary 'indianness' to the whole occasion :)

3:02 PM  
Blogger shaaaaaaam said...

r u on a blitzkreig by ny chance??it seems 2 b rainin posts...

3:15 PM  
Blogger Neers said...

yhew!!!

7:49 PM  
Blogger cardamom said...

@ GJ

yeah that bhangra one is my fav part in that post.really enjoyed writing it..thanx

@ shaam

yep!! that's the "home syndrome"..he he expect more.my pen is goin tizzy

@ neers

was that swahili or hebrew..??

10:17 PM  
Blogger cardamom said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:19 PM  
Blogger Sudipta Chatterjee said...

:)

Yeah I identify with that being forced to get into the brigade mood. But I guess wedding customs vary with place and occasion: Bengali weddings are so different from Punjabi or Tamil weddings.

5:30 AM  
Blogger Neers said...

and you are welcome!! thank you, again! :)

3:48 PM  
Blogger Neers said...

hebrew!! :p

3:48 PM  
Blogger Neers said...

you are welcome!! :) hows you?? not much update here?

6:08 PM  
Blogger cardamom said...

@ neers

when i update frequently here..i get comments like

*r u on a blitzkreig by ny chance??it seems 2 b rainin posts...*

well tell me how did you like the posts..i m a newbie here..

7:03 PM  
Blogger Gaurav Jain said...

What's wrong with being a blitzkrieg when it fits so well with the theme of your blog ("Point Blank Encounters", "Bullets fired so far", etc.)

Keep posting more such wonderful pieces of writing!

9:54 PM  
Blogger dharmu said...

first time around your zone.
i must say i liked it and was roaring with insane giggles.

felt nice to hear such typical northi hindi after a long time. having this miss home bouts, away from home.

lol-the saddle and ghodi thingy!

5:36 AM  
Blogger sedna is my home :) said...

hi..nice one ....kooool n honest description of a baraat that ppl like us have to bear with very often ! :p

i really liked that "dancing move patented in the 70's ...." :)) that was funny !

9:15 AM  
Blogger cardamom said...

@ Gj

thanx 4 the support dude.i look 4ward to your visits here...

@ dharmu ji

thanx!! thanx!!
keep visiting..i'll try to make u feel more at home wid my posts.

@ sedna

thanx!! keep visiting for more such stuff!!

9:33 AM  
Blogger Nishant Saini said...

Sorry for commenting in reverse order... I started reading ur posts today evening and I m reading backwards... from newer to older posts...

My blog address is http://www.simplyjava.com

I would like to add ur blog in my links section.

Would you please read my blog and link my blog in your own Links section?

I would appreciate if u link my blog address (http://www.simplyjava.com) in ur blog...

thanks in advance.

9:32 PM  
Blogger Nishant Saini said...

Also I read ur orkut profile carefully and found that u have written ur hometown as Indore but Temp. Does ur family frequently keeps shifting from city to city?... ha ha ha none of my business... I liked ur writing style. I thought of writing stories and tales that I feel like you but could not get enough time.... also my creativity has turned to another side... Technology.

Dost... Please also reply me on my orkut profile... when u reply me on ur blog... cos I may not be able to visit again these pages to check replies..
http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=18208151594862101890

Thanks dude

9:41 PM  

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