Sunday, April 29, 2007

Saale TV kyu phoda!!- UPDATE

The breaking news is that a young gaaon ki gori(?) named Sri Devi err Lanka was brutally raped last night near the ba(r)ba Dosa stall. (When the wiry mallu dosa-stall owner was interrogated, the investigation team could only make out three words out of his testimony. The words being "vaan-go, ukkar-ungo and paw-ngo" thanks to the bingo ad.)
There were some signs of resistance from the victim but eventually was of no avail to the might of the rapist. The police have recovered some empty cans of Foster's beer from the spot. This is the 10th such act in the space of 2 months. Allaah bachaaye ab to!!

Yess!! Bhaailogs and bhenjeez, Lets taak about cricket this time. (Arey cricket nahee jaante...arey wahee game yaar ..yaad karo..the game which we used to play in our bachpan on our terrace on Sunday afternoons. And when some Hayden ki aulaad among us used to hit the ball down the building, we used to coax some pot-bellied blole-bhaale uncle downstairs with a "Uncle ji!! Ball de do pleeeeeez.."
After roughly some 17 attempts later the uncleji would eventually manage to succeed in his efforts. We little kids would cling on to the railings and cheer him up to throw higher n higher and when the ball did reach us, a big "thank yuu uncle!!!!!!!" followed with the uncle stroking his godrej-dyed hair in a self congratulatory style. Gone are those 'nappy me bhi happy' days.....*sob* Senti ho gaya maamu mai to )

Now let’s talk some history here. Long ago a tribe flourished of those who religiously followed the game of (pronounced kri-Ket). They could have been categorized in to different groups. Have a look:-

1) Manjarekar and Shashtri ka paseena- the paidaaishi pitch reporter :-

In a group of people glued to a TV-set watching a cricket match there has to be a know-it-all expert or may be two. The enlightened fellow has all the statistics recorded in his 1.5 litre bheja which starts leaking the moment the pitch report is flashed on screen. He would look at the grass on the pitch and say

"I think 37th over se reverse swing hogi ball...78% moisture hai so no doubt!!" and you think "Arey yaar ghar se danda nahee laaya??".

He relishes the commercial break between overs and fall of wickets where he goes about his gyan on how the high backlift aids in fluent stroke making. You wish to lock him up in a room alone with a TV showing re-runs of Duleep trophy matches all day. Aise maamu Duckworth-lewis se tution padhne jaate hai.

2) Achaa aaj India ka match hai kya?? kiske saath.. reply : *chataaak* one tight slap!!

"Abey chintukle!! itta bhi nahee pata , saale ko mai calendar par din kaat raha hu pichle 10 din se iss match ke liye..aur tu ye puch raha hai." . ahem!! These are the luckiest people on earth. They don't follow cricket much and swear to watch only indo-pak encounters that too in a world cup. Achaa hai yaar jab susu hi nahee karta hai to haath dhone ka jhanjhat bhi nahee hai. I mean to say even if India loses they are indifferent, and it doesn't affect them. But at times when the Indian team is on a roll and is magically winning most of their matches the 'chaanta' is an apt reply for such questions.

3) Agarbatti jalaao - pataakha phodo type :-

The ardent religious fan who jalaaos agarbattis praying for India to win its match against Bermuda and the likes. The fan who has all the walls of his room covered with posters of Manoj prabhakar and Azharuddin. He cries when India loses and phodo-fies pataakhas (which he has scavenged for in the post-Diwali kooda) when the team wins. This is the gandhigiri following supporter who sadly returns to his home from the stadium with a lump in his throat when the team is thrashed by the opposition. His Bisleri bottle is with him and the un-burnt placards are rolled under his armpit. He surely is a non-violent creature as harmless as a crippled caterpillar.

4) Tv phodo - putla jalaao type :-

A Paan dukaan where some people have huddled up to watch the last few overs of a Ind-Aus match:-

TV commentary: "...and he has bowled him. Sachin had absolutely no clue... What a delivery tat was....and the Australians are ecstatic..*shatterrrr*

Paan waala : "Abey TERII!!! TV KYU PHODA BE!!

The culprit : "Gussa aa gaya yaar..aise tv ka kya faayeda jisme India match hi naa jeet paaye..!! "

P.W (grabs him by the collar) : Saale tere faayede ki maa ki...

Hmm this is the most violent lot of all the cricket viewers. When they get a chance to watch it in a stadium they carry bori bhar ke deflated bisleri bottles to decorate the outfield after the match. The bottles are often aimed at the kurkure-fingered fielders. And the next day they burn the effigy of even the physiotherapist, players ko to chhod de.

5) Cricinfo ke sipaahi- Boss ke bandar ( i belong to this category)

This is the white collar junta. The cricinfo page sits minimized in hidden taskbars on their affice ka desktop. Even a faint badboo of the boss/TL/PM instigates them to uninstall gtalk and messenger at the same time. And ask them "Solitaire kya hota hai" reply comes : "JK tyre ki mehnat". Bade bhole bhaale log hai hum!! ;)

bhott ho gayee kirkit ki baate chal ab plate khareed..fokut me poori dukaan sootega kya!! >:)


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

GBF reporter!!

Read the previous post 'Aish-abhi ki shaadi' to extract full mazaa out of this post..and for those who have done the noble deed earlier- aaiye meherbaan.. :)

Hmfff!! I was about to call a press conference for reporting against Salman who called me 41 times!! Yes u heard it right melordd!! 41 times last night, threatening me to delete my previous post. Vivek was not much of a bother as he ran out of his coins in his 3rd attempt.
This piece of news was brought to you by our special GBF correspondent who was masquerading as a truck cleaner there at the dhaaba.( kya pucha “What’s GBF??” jis ghar me ghuse ho uska nameplate to padh liya karo ustaad!!)

Our reporter told us that Kaif has advised Vivek to replace the nameplate outside the new abhi-aish home with a nameplate reading "KAIF" in big bold letters. By the next morning they will find the window panes broken, walls painted black and the chaukidaar beaten up. The "Saathiyaa" boy gets all excited but suddenly all his excitement dies away as he sees a beefy well fed and well drunk Sardaara standing over him. (Sardar ji is the owner of the dhaba)

Sardaara : Oye bhott daaru chhaaan raha hai!! paise laaya hai naa..aaj poora udhaar chuka dena nahee to apne mukke se tere gaalo par pappi dunga...

Vivek :Eh..hheheh!! arey sardaar ji gussa nakko !! abhi cheque kaat ke deta hu ye....

Sardaara : Ooooooooye!!!!!!!!!!!! ( Sardar ji is in a Handpump-ukhaado mood) Aaj agar cheque KAATA to tere ko KAAT ke rakh dungaa....CASH laa

Vivek : (trembling and controlling his bladder-urge) Haa..uh.umm cash de dunga!! Pakka!! ..Oye kaifi jara wallet.....KAIFEE kahaa gayaa?????

(kaifee vanished in thin air with the soda ki bottle)

And then what do you think, sardar ki ne mukke se pappi li vivek ki??..heh!!.....pappi to chhodo Sardar ji's mukka and vivek's face collaborated to produce a XXX movie after that.

Next up the GBF reporter moved to the Pratiksha bungalow where all the action and ruckus was. A lady reporter of a popular news channel with a hoarse voice was reporting something..

" Dekhiye Sanjay aap dekh sakte hai kitni khoobsurati se laat maari gayee hai"

"Garima!! agar aap humey sun sakti hain to humaare darshako ko batayein ye sab hua kaise " (sanjay is in a jubilant mood)

"Dar asal humaare cameraman Abhishek bacchan ki car ke bilkul paas pahuch gayein aur phir wo photo lene ke liye car se latak liye, tabhi car ke aage ka darwaaza khula aur humaare camera man ke pichhwaade par ek zordaar laat padee"

"Kaun se joote pehne the laat maarne waale ne, kuchh pata chala hai garima!!" sanajay is pleasantly surprised.

"Haan sanjay !! ye hum aap ko latest tasveere dikhaa rahein dekhiye ye hai camera man ka pichhwaada ..aur ye rahe joote ke nishaan..badee hi khoobsurati se laat maari hai"

"Dikhne se ye 10 number ka joota lag raha hai!! aur itni mardana laat masha-allaah abhishek bacchan ki hi ho sakti hai "( sanjay is all excited)

"Haan sanjay humey kaafi khushi ho rahee hai ki ye exclusive laat sirf humaare cameraman ko padee.." This is a proud moment in Garima's life.

"Chaliye garima aap line par bane rahiye..hum aapke paas dobaara aayenge *click* Aap dekh rahe hai A*j T*k bharat ka sabse tez channel"

(A reader smirks: abey shaane channel ka naam kyu chhupa raha hai!! .Kon sa tera blog TOI me chhapta hai jo tere pe case thokega channel ka maalik . hurrr!!)

Oye maamu !! GBF scoop :

Richard gere kissed shilpa to prove to the truck drivers that " Chumma lene se AIDS nahee failta.."

An irate truck driver: " Oye aire-gere!! kanpatte par Thappad bajaane se bhi AIDS nahee failta..kabhi aana dhaabe pe bataaunga.!! "

Byee.. :)


Saturday, April 21, 2007

Abhi-aish ki shaadi!!- UPDATE

Hi Bhaai log!! When people read the story which I shamelessly advertised in my last post, they said they had to hire a full time servant to scroll down the page for them to read. Such was the length. And some of the other gracious, Allaah ke bande did take the pains to read till the last line and after reading it they thanked their parents, friends and coach after reaching the milestone with tears in their eyes.

"Oye chaman , bore mat karr !! shaadi ke baare me bata!" I can hear an impatient reader shout.

Haan bhaai to scene aisa ki :

Date : 20th April

( 1st scene : Salman sulking in a bar with his girl friend (who has thrown her heel waali sandals in the Arabian sea for obvious reasons) Katrina kaif alongside.

2nd scene: Vivek oberai in a Highway hotel with truck waalas around him praising Shilpa shetty's "Pappee me bhi happy" attitude.
Now if Salman is with Katrina kaif then Vivek has Mohammad Kaif to accompany him. As both are jobless and equally vella. Dono apne gam galat kar rahe hai..

3rd scene: Small B riding on a ghodi and moto-rocking his head with about a million cameras zooming into his nostrils. About 3 tons of glam-sham has coagulated around him.)

1st scene:

Salman khan: Maine pyar kyu kiyaa?? *makes a weepy face* ye sab mere flop bhaaiyo ke kaaran hua hai. Tumhe pata hai Jin logo ko maine last year footpath par kuchla tha naa. baad me pata chala wo mere bhaaiyo ki films ke distributor the kisi jamaane me"

Katrina kaif : " Namh-a-stay london..err..i mean Salmon!! The same applies to you dear. During the screening of your latest movie Salaam-e-ishq, fire alarms were installed in cinema theaters to wake people up after the show was over.."

Salman khan : "Cheque ladki...meri izzat ka Maaza-mango banati hai...teri *beeeep*.."

Katrina : "Just chill buddy...and that IS Czech ..NOT cheque..and btw Himess has called me for a screen-test to cast me in "Aap ka Suuar".. "

Salman : "*Beeep* *Meep* WO SUROOR hai...SUAR nahee *Leep*"

2nd scene :

(some line hotel (dhaaba) forming the backdrop..Truck drivers guffawing in the vicinity...Vivek and Kaif sitting on a charpai with soda and cheap daaru)

Vivek oberai : "Aao Kaifi!! Lays ka packet laaye ho naa saath me??"

Kaif : "Yaar kaahe ka lays , gone are those days..ab to lizzat papad khaata hoon.."

Vivek oberai : " Apna bhi kuch aisa hi haal hai dost, Ek time tha ‘Saathiyaa’ aur aaj ban gaya hu ch***ya....bahut galat cheez hai yaar ye"

Kaif : " kya?? cricket??"

Vivek :"Abey 1 1/2 haddi cricket nahee...ladkiyaa, unse pyar,muhabbat..phir dhokhaa, rusvaayee, Tanh......"

Kaif : "Chaupp!! Saale bore mat kar..jaldi se bottle khol maine bhi paise milaaye hai"

Vivek " haa yaar kholta hu....aaj meri mehbooba ki shaadi hai 2-3 peg jyada peene dena dost.."

Kaif : " Abey KBC me baitha hai kya be?? Jo fokut me tere ko khush karu....daaru baraabar bategi nahee to be mar peet ho jaayegi"

( Two truck waalas talk as they go past kaifee and vivek " Pehle pappee phir pappa (papa) khehekhe!!". they are referring to Richard gere's future plans. Truck drivers adore shilpa but i am uncertain whether they would be able to recognize her, if given a passport size photo :p )

And they drink and munch on lizzat papad equally.

3rd scene :

Aby baby is moto-rocking on the ghodi and suddenly a text message flashes on his cellphone. Here’s the message..

" Yaar Ask aish baby to wear a lip-stick of a different brand. That would be better for you."

aby replies: "Who's this!! And why do you want her to go for some other brand??"

Reply: " Actually this one doesn't taste good khekhe!! ;) - Hrithik & Chandrachood"

Aby baby throws the cell phone in a fit of rage. It hits Anil ambani who's all jubilant at a distance. He picks it up. Your question Guess the network?? :)

Update : Some of the readers have pointed out that there was no mention of haya-khan-janhvi -kapoor in this post. So i make a point by telling you guys that the haya-khan part was sponsored by Salman khan and the janhvi kapoor part by karishma kapoor, both for obvious reasons. :)


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

My new story!!

Maamu i wrote a spooky story. Fultoo padhne ka and comment karne ka. Here it is

Padh ke batana gaaowaalo!!


Sunday, April 15, 2007

Simply awesome!!!

I couldn't resist but put this video up here.

Ingredients of a magical act : The audio track : "Namak ishq ka" from the movie Omkara + Visuals from the movie "Happy feet" + Sheer brilliance =


Saturday, April 14, 2007

Dil ka dard..!!

.... on the worries of life and the ones who cause them.

I am at peace ( is it the lull before the storm). I am at home, just like Romesh powar.

A prisoner awaiting his trial, A convict waiting to hit the gallows,

A person standing in the ticket queue of the movie "Shaka laka boom boom",

An OBC CAT aspirant,

Sehwag's marketing manager,

The people boating in the lake shown above in the pic

and I, have some thing in common and you would have guessed what it is. They are all screwed up or on the verge of it.

"Voila!! i am an engineer" the world retorts curtly "What next dude!!". I say i have a job, and a good job at that. but when does it materialize. When do i get a chance to actually dress up all formally to kneel down in the butchery which translates into a cubicle when you look up a euphemist's dictionary. The joining date is yet to be communicated to us. The seniors say we'll get it by the end of this april. But then they remind us..

"Enjoy!! for these days will never come again *echo*"

That's a painful line. We are spilling it knowingly but then unknowingly as they claim. But believe me the free time i am having is weighing down on me. Its pretty human to yearn for a change. People outmuscled by the work pressure want to unwind and mere mortals like me await the grinding with anxious hearts.Irony!!.

My heels have frozen. Yelp!!

"Lagta hai sir par gehree chot lagi hai , bechaara accha bhala tha kisi ne lagta hai angrezi dictionary phenk ke maari hai sir par!!"

" Nahee yaar shayad Wren & Martin ke yaha tution jaane lag gaya hai !!"

My friends discuss after reading this post.

Arey chill maaro yaaro. Ab apun ek short story likhing. kuchh dino baad i'll post it. Fultoo padhne ka aur comment karne ka. Beta apun ke dukaan ki 10,000 plates bikne waali hai. Party karega to sab ko bulaayega. Aur post padh ke monitor saaf kar lena. Itni der me photo waale launde ne bahut ganga bahaayee hai aapke screens par. :)


Saturday, April 07, 2007

Photo-shoto - II

Siby:- Mere Chamakte daanto ka raaz--Vim Bar, bartan dhote dhote manjan bhi kar leta hoon.

Siby :- Mera saathi in Bhipro.. :)

"O terii mainu laga ki mobile hai *hick*...chee chee daaru ki bottle... mummmyyyy!!! :( "

Me: "Saale ab wo daaru ki bottle nahee sirf bottle reh gayee hai, uski daaru tere pate(stomach) me hai.."

Prashant mehfil jamaayega in wipro :)

ekh khe kheyyy!! ekh khe kheyyy Lizzat paappppad!!

Dr. Vikas- Gupt rogi fauran mile, room no. 36, hotel sunshine, Bus stand ke peeche.

(clockwise frm left) Ramu kaka, Shashank, Ankur

Ramu kaka :" arey naalayak last post me meri itni utaari tera man nahee bhara, kalmuhe ab meri photo bhi chaap di"

Shashank : "kaka ki baat me dum hai, kyuki daant inke kam hain.. btw.. koi lota do yaar"

Ankur : "Oye cardamom dialogues kya type kar raha hai photo kheech saale *Beeeep*.."

Shashank - will join Infosys, and currently is a Maths faculty at IMS. (phodu hai banda)
Ankur - placed with Infosys.

Ramu kaka : has his hands 'placed' at......:P


"Tel kya bhaav diyo hai... mhaara saara paisa byaaj ke saath wapas kar diyo seth!!"

Shyam : Mindtree consultancies, Die hard CAT aspirant ..missed it by a whisker last time.

baaki agli baar.... :)


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Photo-shoto - I

We lukkhaas just completed our engineering and it was high time for me to introduce mera kabeela to you people. In the next few months most of these kabeelewaale would be sucked in to some (premier) Bee-skool and irrecoverable damage will be done to their much cherished insanity. so chalo chalo jaldi padh lo warna team leader/PM/boss/Boss ka jaasoos aa jaayega. Fokut ka internet dabaate huye dekh liya to free ki coffee band karwa dega. :)

(left to right) gautam , juggy sardaar and shoyeb

Me ( photographer) : abey Gautam ro matt!! saale zoom lens camera hai goli nahee chalegi...zoom hone de...

juggy sardaar( middle) : mainu to lagaa tu goli mai bullet proof t-shirt pehen ke aaya si.

shoyeb (still dreaming about mamta kulkarni ) : chup kar sardaara ..don't disturb...bas chumma lene hi waala hu....mamtaaaaaaahhh

Gautam- headed for MDI-gurgaon.
Juggy - Going to Israel for his internship this summer.
Shoyeb - leaving for University of Edinburgh for an MBA.

Humaare kilaas ka topper Muktesh. Dulhaniya mukhda to dikhaao..haaye mai vaari jaau.

Muktesh : with me in wipro :)

Hum bhi vote deke aaye hai. UP me dum(slum) hai kyuki yaha jurm kam hai....ishhhh "middal finger" ..uu kaa hota hai!!

Saddu supaari!!! beta shakal se to bhola , lekin kaam me shakti kapoor's chela...wahshee aankhein!! Samaaj ki bahu-betiyaa bach ke!!
Vaibhav : waiting for IIM A,C 's gdpi reslts

Me: Bevafaa aaj bhi nahee aayee!! julmi tere ye sitam mai kab tak bardaasht karu..!!

Your's truly : wipro :)

tu bhi conti'nude'...


Sunday, April 01, 2007

Apun aaya re hihaha!!

Oye Uncle bhaagne se pehle post to padh le..!!

Before UNESCO declares this blog a "A World heritage site" and Japanese tourists wearing red caps and yellow shorts go crazy with their Fujifilm cameras clicking the Vijay-tina epic's manuscript, I puke one more post here.

Last month apun engineer ban gaya, Full month party maara dost log ke saath. Farewell-sharewell bhi huaa. photo-shoto bhi chipkaayega, wait karne kaa. And as a result - Thanda bheja fry. Fikar not!! I yumm back after completing 4 long years in the lungi-land and currently I have all the time in the world to Bilogg.
And during this time 15 guys were sent on an all expense paid trip to West-Indies to watch the world cup led by a guy called Dravid. They played some friendly matches as well during their stay. When they did return to India, they were welcomed by the Indian hockey team. It was an emotionally charged moment with the players of either team hugging each other tight with soggy eyelashes. The theme music of "Hum saath saath hai" was being played in the background. ab sab baraabar ho gaye itne saalo baad. chal ab topic se U-Turn maarte huye kuch filmy gup-shup ho jaaye..

Now i present to you excerpts of a chat between sholay kaa veeru and ramu kaka 3 years after gabbar was captured :

Veeru : Today we have with us the iconic ramu kaka who has served thakur saahab for 25 long years. Ramu kaka has been with thakur saab since the days when he was a 'hand'some young man to his hands-free days. To Ramu kaka bataaiye. aapka kya experience raha ??

Ramu kaka : Ab kya bataau beta!! Bas baaki ke din kaat raha hu..thakur saab ki sewa me zindagi guzaar di..bechaare thakur saab apni vidhwa Bahu (jaya bachhan) ke to haanth peele nahee kar paaye.lekin budhaape me mere haath jarur peele kar diye...

Veeru : kya matlab??

Kaka : Arey kutto ke dracula!! itna bhi nahee samjhein...thakur saab pyjaame kaa naada to khol nahee paate hain, pichhwaada dhona to door ki baat hain..

Veeru: Ohh!! to iska matlab roz subeh aap hi.....Ohh!!

kaka : haa beta haa!! meri haanth ki rekhaaye wahaa chap gayee hai jahaa nahee chhapni chaahiye..!! aur saale ramgadh ke bacche bhi itne naalayak hain ki, mujhe 'dhoni, dhoni' kehke chidhaate hai...Budhaape me apne pichhle janam ka paap dho raha hu main..*sobs*

Veeru : Never mind kakaji!! ye bataaiye thakur saab ke kya haal hai..

Kaka : Mat poocho beta !! thakur saab ke chehre se maano khushi gaayab ho gayee hain...unki badnaseebi ke kisse sun nahee paaoge...

Veeru : kakkajeeehhh!!....sunaa do pleeeezhh!!

kaka : " kya bataau beta mazaak unke saath 3 saal se hota aa raha hai..jab thakur saab apne jooton se gabbar ka sir kuchal rahein the tab peeche se police inspector ne hawaai fire kiya aur wo chillaaya "Hands up!!" ... kaahe ke hands kaahe ka up.. Thakur saab ki aankhon me aansu aa gaye...Aur jab court me gawaahi dene ki baari aayee tab bhi katghare me saala ek vakeel geeta utha ke le aaya aur bola "thakur saab geeta par haath rakh ke kasam khaiye aap jo kuch kahenge sach kahenge....." ..aise mazaak beta kaun jhel sakta hain.."

"Yahee nahee raamgadh ke shararati launde aaye din chauraahe par unse pooch pooch ke bhaagte hai "thakur saab ghadi me time kya huaa hai" . Lekin uss din to had hi ho gayee jab thakur ke b'day par sab chokro ne mil kar unko dumbbell gift kar diya...

Saale ab thakur ji ko ramgadh ki cricket team ka wicketkeeper banane ka plan bana rahe hain.. Uff..mujhse to aur dekha nahee jaata..*sob* "

Veeru : himmat rakhiye ramu kaka!! main bhi bobby deol ka baap huu..aur esha deol bhi meri hi beti hai..samajh sakte ho naa aaap..!!

Kaka: Samajhta hu veeru!! jis din mujhe lagega ki ab bas bahut ho gaya aur ab mujhe eeshwar ke paas chale jaana chahiye uss din tumhaari beti ki 2-3 filmey lagaataar dekh lungaa...* sigh*..

Veeru : Sahee hai kaka!! waise agar phir bhi thodi bahut jaan bachee reh jaaye to mujhe boliyega mai bobby ki 1-2 latest movies ka intezaam kar dunga..

Kaka : Jarur beta!! basanti se kehna ki dhanno usey aaj bhi yaad karti hai..ab main chalta hu..thakur saab ke pressure aane ka time ho gaya...

Aur ab apna bhi time ho gaya hai..bistar todne kaa..Aur haa ab koi UNESCO waala aaye to usko idhar ka address nahee dene kaa..:)