Thursday, May 31, 2007

Gaagaa-googoo dayz!!

Bhaaiyozz and behenozz!! First of all reach out to that sparkling new button on your monitor which you have never used before and toggle to the colour-adjustment option and mercilessly keep pressing it till the colour-scale is equal to the number of girl-friends/boy-friends you have. (btw the persons who are reading this post on their Orpat ka bada calculator need not worry!!). Bilack & white feel laao maamu flashback ke pehle. Before i 'flush' back err run a flashback i want you to be a li'l serious and stop advertising your jaundiced teeth.

All readers in chorus "Saale , khud ko dekh tere daanto ko dekh ke aisa lagta hai poori yellow river pi gaya hai tu!!"

Nevermind, chalo ateet ki yaadon me. San Unneeess sau pacchhasee (1985) ki baat hai december ka sard zaalim maheena. A baby boy was ushered into this world at about 4 'o clock in the morning probably crying loud enough to piss off gabbar who resided some 50 miles away. After all it’s the momma's job to tell me that unless I kept quiet gabbar aa jaayega. That was the only occasion in these 21 years I woke up that early in the morning. Well months rolled by and I grew into a pretty normal kid who thought his thumb was god's candy and the soil in the backyard was Ben & jerry's raw material, so I hogged on it. Once I interacted with a sophisticated Huggies-model type kid when my mom took me to his place:

Me (to another hum-umr kid) : " oye tinku!! tune sharma jee ke lawn ki mitti khaayee kya..ohh kya chatpati hai yaar ..Waah!!"

tinku ( pareshaan hai bechara) : " Dude!! Get a life..lawn ki mitti is so LS.. I prefer my kitchen garden.."

me thinks ( saale badaa hoke tera diaper utaarunga apne blog pe..bada hero ban raha hai naa beta!!) "Waise yaar starters ke liye kya leta hai??..meri to kismat hi phooti hai..meri maa ne mere thumb pe mirchi mal dii....angoothe ko hontho tak laa ke reh jaata hu"

"OMG teri thumb pe mirchi mal di...mere thumb pe momma ne garlic spray maara hai..Gawd it stinks like hell.."

"kya kare yaar..ab to Dabar janam ghutti se hi kaam chalana padta hai…Saale mere ancestors bhi peete the same bottle se.."

"Oh you mean gripe water...Ahh well I prefer it shaken but not stirred."

"Oh.. ok..arey yaar mere ko chunnu bata raha tha ki huggies ke ad ke liye tere ko ek room me nanga daudaya tha??.." i chuckled

"..*cold sigh* ..yaar when u turn a professional you have to live with it....thoda expose to karna hi padta hai industry me bane rehne ke liye. u know"

"oye tinku ab mera poo-poo time ho gaya....door hat jaa"

"Gawd tu abhi bhi kapda use karta hai nappy ke liye....disgusting

"uwaaaaaan uu uu uwaaaaaaaaaaaaan" I raised the alarm for my momma to clean up the mess.

Funny days were those. I used to toddle about the dining room and reach the kitchen to see momma cook, waiting anxiously for her to look and throw a endearing smile at me, and when she did, I would chuckle and clap my hands gaa-gooing loudly, and eventually land on my bums. I kept repeating this act while she was in the kitchen. And at the end of it, when she was done with her chores she would hug me and kisses followed and I gaga-gooed even louder. Ahh the joys of the first born kids.

But then this smooth run took a jolt when I was just 2 years old. One night I complained of severe headache by what else but crying non-stop. It was quite unlike her li'l baby, and thats why my mum was worried. When the in-house recipes failed to alleviate my pain, the ped was called. But in vain as even after a week of medication the pain and the associated worries won't go. The family pediatrician referred the case to a neurosurgeon.

"Kahee koi serious baat to nahee hai naa" my mum asked the family ped.

"Ghabraaiye nahee..aap mil lijiye ek baar doctor ramesh chandra se.." the stiff lipped family doc had nothing more to say as my mum recounts.

Papa says mum cried after we were back from the clinic. My father was helpless and so was I.
The appointment with the surgeon was fixed and numerous medical tests were done including the CT-scan. When the reports came in, the doctor called my parents inside his cabin who were anxiously waiting for the doctor's verdict. He kept quiet for a minute and then he spoke maintaining a grim face

"Dekhiye maine dawaaiya likh di hain bas bacche ko sir me chot mat lagne dijyega, aur haan jab ye 6 saal ka ho jaaye tab isko school me daaliyega, jyada pressure mat daaliyega iske dimaag pe.." and he closed the case with these final words.

Hearts sank hearing that. Pa and ma were really confused as to what they should interpret of the doctor's words who are known for inducing euphemistic spins to the blunt facts. The doctor kept repeating the same words that their is nothing to worry about as long as we followed his "Just do as I say" statement.

“Was their first born child mentally unfit?? Will he be able to cope with his studies??” Questions whose answers were written on the wings of time.

When i was about three years old my father went ahead and got me admitted to a kindergarten, Eyebrows were raised and calls from relatives poured in but my parents stood by their decision.
And when I was in my UKG a renowned group of schools opened their branch in the city. At my father's behest I appeared for the entrance test for a direct admission into 2nd standard while I was still in UKG. Somehow I cleared the test and I skipped a whole year. The cynical relatives were silenced.
Once there, I performed reasonably well at the school exams and hence forth it was smooth sailing. And this day when I think of it, if my parents would have acted as the doc said, I wouldn't have been able to even read what I have written so far. Thank you! ma and pa for having faith in me and my abilities. Words would do gross injustice to explain my feelings for you. So I rest my case here.

P.S.: My mum recounted the whole story to me when I was in my 1st year of college.

P.P.S: Sorry readers for such a grey post like this but I felt it was necessary to vent my feelings. Thanks for listening to me.

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Monday, May 28, 2007

Oooiii maa orkut!!

In the age of web 2.0 and Spiderman 3.0, your presence on one of the addas where you can 'do frandsheep' with 'cweet' and 'sweetiful' gals and dudes is indispensable. Initially when I joined the orkut network, my long lost kindergarten friends would pop up every other day in my scrapbook and do a "paichaann kaun??"

Some times I used to irritate complete strangers with this. hehe!!

My shikaar's profile name ( ravi_hunk_cool)

Me (on his scrapbook) : Oye ravi!!! kahaa hai tuuuuuuuu mere yaaar!! pehchana mere ko???? yaad hai apan saath me cricket khela karte the bachpan me chhat pe...tu to vadddaa mota-shota ho gaya hai yaaar....[:D]

ravu_cool_hunk : (puzzled..but still jhooth bolta hai) umm.. haan yaar ..kya haal hai tere....arey yaar itne pooraane dost ko kaise bhool sakta huu..kaisa hai tu bol..

Me : haa yaar kya din the wo…Bhopal ki sardiyo me apan chhat par saath me patang udaaya karte the. Tu meri patang phaad diya karta tha aur main teri shirt ....aah kya din the wo..

Ravi : Oye dude mai to kabhi Bhopal gaya hi nahee !!! [:O]

Me : To main kaun saa gaya hoon..hehe..abbey waise tu yaar mota bahut hai vajan kam karr[:O]

So as you can see Orkut sure is interesting. And then there is this feature called the 'Recent profile visitors' which randomly links to five other persons/profiles who have visited your profile for undisclosed intentions. And it leads to this:-

"Oye tina!! tujhe pata hai ye garam_bheja_fry karamjalaa teen dino se mera profile visit kar raha hai!! iske mann me jarur chor hai"

"Oooiiii maa!! sacccheee me ye ek number ka chhaliya meri visitors ki list me bhi roz attendance lagaata hai.."

"isko 'report abuse' ka chaanta lagana padega.."

" haan jarur behen !! kahee kuch paap naa ho jaaye!!"

haha!! To visit a profile you need to have a profile and here's a quick guide to create your very own..

I. About me : Now for this field follow the steps :-

1. On seperate chits of paper write down words like "cool", "attitude", "hot", "dude", "cute", "carefree", "life" etc
2. Drop the chits in a box.
3. Shake the box well.
4 Pick out chits one by one and write down the string thus formed in the "about me" text-box.

And if you are not satisfied with the result try out these readymade lines :-

i) "Tu chugalkhor hai tere ko nahee bataaunga"
ii) " haai mujhe sharam aati hai batate huye!!"
iii) "Saale profile visitor..kya mann me hai tere!! kal teri link aa jaayegi mere profile visitors ki list me.. bach ke jaayega kahaa!! Muhahaha"

II Here’s a sample of the remaining fields of the 'fixed options' category:-

relationship status: single *kya kru yaar triple ka option nahee tha to single hi likhna pada*
birthday: *ab ye bhi mai hi bataau kyaa*
age: *ye wala mere ko bhi bataana..:p*

here for : friends 'kuch kuch hota hai' ke cassette cover pe likha tha 'pyar dosti hai'*

children: yes - at home part time
ethnicity: african american (black)
languages i speak: Urdu, Arabic
religion: I am an INDIAN... * oye taali bajaao!! senti dialogue maara apun*
political view: libertarian *iska matlab nahee pata tha yu hi likh diya...tu kya has raha tere ko pata hai kya??*
humor: clever/quick witted, goofy/slapstick * goofy?? mowgli kaha hai?"
sexual orientation: straight *isme NO mazaak shhh*
fashion: TV (hehe 'ftv' aur kya)
living: with playmates ;p


sports: Raja-Mantri-Chor-sipaahi me gold medal, teen-patti, aur Bull-fighting me champion!!

books: Pet dard ka gharelu ilaaz, Jeeja-saali jokes, rangeen shero shaayari...these books changed my life..

music: fav album "Aunty no. 1", khuddar, aap ka suroor part 2

tv shows: krishi darshan, News for the hearing impaired, gumshuda talaash kendra

movies: only if a good enuf role is offered!!

cuisines: Arey mere bahut saare cuisines hai..teen bhopal me rehte hai...aur 2 dilli me padhaai kar rahe hai

Phewhh!! ab sone jaata hoon..hope this enlightening post will help you in creating a great profile on which garam_bheja_fry will mark his attendance daily to make you go
"ooiiii maa kalmooha phir aa gaya!!".


Thursday, May 24, 2007


"Phewhhh!!!". (Or was it "F**k"!! I am just curious!!) Is that what you uttered when you completed or half completed reading the previous post? It must have been a torture for the innocent those who still think that 'khaini" is some Iranian Muslim second name and ‘bushirt’ is a typo. Never mind it was like expecting my octogenarian granny to count the pixels on my computer screen or may be forcing you to eat idlis with mixed fruit-jam. btw on the same note how would you feel if I replace the ham in between your hamburger with a fresh steamed idli and then I make you eat that. *evil snigger* I am in a wicked mood!! i have been watching 'Family guy' episodes lately and I guess it has rubbed off on me.
Oops!! Lemme just introduce to you these giggly graduates featuring in the pic above. ( it more looks like a UNICEF ad with the diverse skin colrs of the featured "fresh graduates") *kill me if I am shamelessly trying to dish out some high-brow humor here *

The gay guy in the middle is not me and the two valleys either side of the "Brokeback Mountain" don't read this blog. So the point is why in the heavens I posted this pic.

Two main reasons:-
a) This pic was the winner of the "inky-pinky-ponky" competition whose participants were the thumbnails that popped up as a result of a Google image search for the keyword "graduate".

b) And if you haven't been bored to death reading the number of 'relative pronouns' in the previous statement yet, I think i should tell you - My graduation day is near!!

Yeahh it is the graduation day when you move around clicking zillions of say-cheesy pics with your head popping out of a black tent. I thought graduates didn’t need any umbrella with a mobile-roof over their head. Most of you office goers reading this would have started playing the slideshow of that good 'ol day on your mental projector.

Aaah!! I so look forward to it. A brief visit to the college library is certainly on the cards, I could shove numerous high priced books under the black robe. Who!! What a day!!, can you imagine I can even bundle dictionaries under my sleeve. And gods save those cute li'l optical mice in the computer lab. Muhahaha!!

More details in the coming posts. Btw can anyone tell me how to install a miniature AC outside the 'black tent' to keep the organs inside it working in perfect harmony. Coz the venue is Chennai. (And plz don't guffaw telling me to smear my head with Navratna tel public-ka-AC). Hey lurkers!! Here is your chance to return the favour. Share your 'Graduation day' experiences veterans.


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Bhojpuri Spiderman-wa!!

* Disclaimer: This post was written to satiate a certain section of readers who long demanded I write something on this. So as the title suggests there will be some bhojpuri dialogues here. Do thank Laalu yadav, bollywood and big-boss if you can understand the conversation below. And if its all martian to you still read on..kya pata padhte padhte martian seekh jaao!! *

Our very own Bhojpuri Spiderman touches down patna airport and after a 3 hour camel ride (oops!! was that a roadways bus!!) he reaches Samastipur(bihar) as there are no skyscrapers to swing about, spidey has to put up with the Bihar roadways buses. The BPS (bhojpuri spideman) is all nostalgic to return to his roots.

Scene 1 :

Spidey is carrying an airbag on his back with a logo of "Pahalwaan chaap beedi" 'aapan jigar se jalaawa, jigar maa bahutte aag baa' " printed on it. He draws close to an elderly bunch of people whiling away under the shade of a banyan tree. They are all religiously rubbing 'choona' and 'tamaakhoo'(tobacco) against their palms with their adept thumbs, for a fat joint of khaini.

"Ho chachhhaaa!! kaisan baara??" Spidey announces his arrival.

"Ho marde ketna badaa ho gail baara tu ho!! geetaa 'Makkadman' khaatir sattu ghoro!!..aur bauaa gor-haath dho laa" chacha orders geeta to get spidey a sattu-drink.

"Naa ho chachha uu sab baad me..pahile humko thoda choona dijiye....bus me teen ghanta bina khaini ke baithe rahe !! " chacha is shocked to hear this.

"ee laa ho!! ee sab baat ke liye kono pooche ke jarurat baa!!...pichhla hafta hum gel rahni chhapra...munna ke biyaah rahil..areyyy uhey munna..pappu chachhaa ke badaa ladka..tum nahee chinnhta hoga usko ..chhodo !!" and chachaa smears some choona over spidey's stretched palm.

"bahut bhaniya baat baa...."

"ho papppaaaaa!! *uwaaaaaaaaan*" chachaa'a kid comes wailing at the top of his voice.

"kaa huaa re.."

" papppaaa!! bakri seeng maar ke humra pant faad diyaa...*uwaaaaaaa*.."

"arey kono baat nahi!! kaahe rota hai.. eee to chhotka chhed hai..abhi see denge isko"

"ho marde makkadman thoda rassi chhodiye to iska pant see dete hai.."

"abhiye lijiye.." and spidey raises his wrist and releases a fine string of the gooey matter. An hour passes by and chachha is still sewing his kid's knickers.

An irritated spidey blurts out " kaa ho chachhha chhiyattar(76) go chhed hai kaa...isiliye bolte hai ee chauraa ko anda mat khilaaiye..jyaada garmi pet me rahega to yahee sab hota hai!!"

"Nahee marde..andaa nahee ee behudddaa din bhar hajmola chibaata hai..usee kaaran pant phata hai" chacha is agitated

Chachaa's other kid is smiling at a distance seeing his brother get several acupuncture pricks on his bum while papa dear is sewing up the holes.

Chacha sees the other kid sniggering. He gets furious.. " Saala tum kona me daant chiyaar ke has raha hai..jaao hisaab baar tumko ekjaam me kam number aaya to tumko hum chatth me nayeka bushirt nahee kinenge!!"
(kinenge = khareedenge)
"Gussaiye mat chacha!! ee beriya dekhiyega chotuaa apna class me 1st aayega" spidey tries to cool him down.

"Arey aap nannu jaanmte hai isko...badee khachra hai….abhi ghar me jaake ludo khelega..isko kitaab-kopi se kono matlab nahee hai"

"pappa neemak kaha rakhe hai..sattu ghorna hai.."
geeta blares from the kitchen


"tum abhi takle neemakay khoj rahee ho, haathwa tani tej chalaao..aur dekho neemak 'ethi' me hoga" (now this is a magical word 'ethi' its as good as a blank but still somehow it works well to convey what you can't remember at that precise moment)

"Aur bataaba babua!! sune hai ki khhoob angrezee mem sab ke saath chumma-chaati kar raha hai...memiyaa sab ke gaaon kaahe nahee laata hai...." he presses the khaini harder with his thumb, when he says this

"Naah chachha sab nakli kaam hota hai..saala building kudwaane ke samay sala humre haath me rassi dhara ke dhakka de deta hai, aur chumma chaati ke scene me humra jagah 3d-animation daal deta sab angrez sab badee chaaloo hai"

geeta : "papppaaaaaa!!! bhainsii rassi tod ke bhaaglas!!

Chacha : " Makkadman marde kucho kara ho...apna rasssi chodo bhainsi ke pakde ke baa...!!" he's frantic

"ee laa chacha!!" spiderman releases the so called 'rassi' from his wrist in the direction of the running buffalo. Bingo!! And then after dragging poor spidey through the fields for about 2 kms the buffalo did stop and mooed. Our spidey is all bruised up and his costume is in tatters after the ordeal was over.

"Ho chachhhaa!! jaldi chalaaa...naaa to humra se pahile thakurwa ke aadmi sab booth loot lee!!" a young boy shouts from a distance.

"ohh!! arey makkad man jaldi chalaa ho...booth loote ke sawaal baa!! "

And so spiderman err.. makkadman looted booths happily ever after. And as a result sandman and goblin formed a coalition government. jai ho!!!

P.S : dint find it as funny?? this is coz you have never stayed in Bihar!! this post is aimed at those folks who have been to the state and have spent a major chunk of life in that good 'ol part of the country. koi baat nahee ye 'on-demand' post thi.


Monday, May 21, 2007

A tale of two bros. named 'Copy' n 'Paste'.-updated

Q : Which is the country for all ghosts??

A : Bhoot-an (bhutan)

Q Which country has said no to Paypal, the e-commerce site??

A: Nay-pal (nepal)

Wait!! rukiye!! isshtop!! Don't yet take your mouse pointer to the north-east of the screen and hit the cross button. This post hasn't resulted after an exercise of ctrl, c and v keys as the work above is oreejinal and its blogspot not

Coming to the title of the post, the point is that after full four years of (kompooter) engineering the text printed on the keys- ‘ctrl’, ‘C’ and ‘V’ on my keyboard has faded away, of course due to over-exploitation, and it's true for all engineer bhaailogs..hai ki nahee??

I remember well when I was a moronic 'may-I-go-to-toilet' type toddler and the kindergarten teacher tried to punch-code or slap-code the first three letters of the English alphabet into my 'cache' memory, what I could recall, was saying

" A -- B -- control C..".

The teacher immediately called up my mom and told her ki "Ladka haath se gaya..iska kuchh nahee ho sakta....Software mazdoor hi banega ye".

And Once when I was in my 5th standard, during a Social science test I was trying to 'ctrl-c' from my smart-ass neighbor Subramanian (he needed a specially ordered name sticker for his notebooks) . While I was continuing with my 'distance-learning', the class teacher caught me benefiting from Subramanian’s 'Saare-answer-teep-le-but-naam-mat-teepiyo' program.

As hard-disks lose all the data if subjected to any physical damage, a strategically placed thappad [ delivered by the teacher] acted as a "FORMAT" command to my little brainy ka 'Social sciences' wala drive. And the rest is 'history'.

When i grew up and after various OMR sheets ke bubbles ka mooh kaala karke, I reached my college proving my kindergarten teacher's prediction alright. I could play those 'keys from heaven' faster than Adnan sami. (bechaara ek key dabaayega teen dab jaayengi..itna bhi koi patla nahee huaa wo..uske liye ek hi key hai keyboard par.wo hai space-bar :p!!).

Lab-assignments, mini-projects, movies on the LAN, Eminem lyrics, standard b'day wishing scraps and what not, kuchh nahee bachaa.

When the placement season commenced in our college i had to prepare a CV to advertise myself. The term said it all- 'C' and 'V' ; bah!! what more could i have added under my technical skills but that. Thats what i have been doing during the natural course of my engineering life. :P

And now I am knocking on the doors of the Saaftware industry, the veterans say that these are the 'keys to happiness' and i can't agree more.

P.S :Aur upar ke 2 PJs padh ke gaali mat dena maine hi likhe hai. :p.

P.P.S : The hit-counter crossed the 15,000 mark. Last month accounted for about 5000 visits. Thank you readers. :)


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Kutte main tera khoon pee jaunga

I have never been a dog's best friend and even the dogs haven't tied any friendship bands around my wrist. When I was a i-luv-kismi-bar and alif-laila-scares-the hell-out-of-me type kid, a movie named 'Teri meherbaaniya" was scheduled for the Saturday night on DD. We all were excited as the movie was color and it had Jackie shroff in the lead role sporting a red netted-baniyan and a yellow bandana, beating the shit out of the 'hum-basti-khaali-karaane-aaye-hai' type bad guys. Any random punches packed at Jackie dada were absorbed by his three inch thick chest-hair cushion. And there was a dog as well in the movie.

In one of those emosshnall scenes, the dog picks a child who has been deserted in the lawn in the 'kadee dhoop' to die ("Ye villain ka kaam hai!! kalmooha!!" mum says!). The dog takes the child to the shade and grabbing a burnol tube by his teeth he applies the lotion on to the sun-burns of the baby. People around me have lumps in their throat and are nanoseconds away from breaking down. I announce with a bucket of sarcasm

" Dekho saala kutta masaala laga raha hai bachhe pe, paka ke khaane ke mood me hai!!". I could barely hear the rest of the movie-dialogues , being locked inside the bathroom.

Yeahh I trusted the DD weather forecasts more than these canines.

And one day a pot-bellied uncle came to our house who sipped the tea by pouring it from the cup in to the dish. (and when he did sip the noise ensured the whole mohalla knew ki humaare yaha chai bani hai).

Then he said in between grabbing snacks.

"Asthana ji!! sheher me itni choriyaan(thefts) ho rahee hai!! Ab to aap ek kutta le hi lo!!"

Papaji smirked "Arey do to pehle se hi pal rahe hai..teesre ki kya jarurat hai!! "

My li'l bro and I looked at each other and barked and then we wagged our tails. So we never had a pet in our house. (Can mosquitoes be pets, if they can be, then we had lots of 'em.. but the point is - They can't be termed 'pets' coz we cannot name them as they all look the same.. A "Papa meri naak pe chintu ne kaata ki pintu ne??" won’t make much sense ..Aur yaar macchar aur kutte dono kaat te u can't just discriminate against a mosquito as a forbidden alternative to a dog as your pet).

For me a Sophisticated French poodle is just a 'kutta' and the same is true for the hopeful candidates for playback singing in Aap ka suroor-part 2 - the gali ka kuttas. I have some bitter memories of my encounters with a kind of species which likes to be introduced by this piece..

"Andheri raaton me ,
sunsaan raahon par,
Jab koi bina baat ke bhaukta hai,
usey log gali-ka-kuttah kehte hai "
(insert the theme music of the movie Shehenshaah)

On a cold winter night when I was on my cycle, I took a turn into a dark street which was a short cut to my home. As I was paddling through, three rogue canines blocked my way. Me being a kachhi kali, nearly shat in my pants. I halted so as to not offend the growling 'sons of a bitch'. But they had other ideas as they fixed their eyes on my gori chikni taang. (haai ye zulmi gora badan!!). I tried to shoo them away but As they say a 'son of a bitch' is always a 'son of a bitch'. After playing inki-pinki-ponki among them the winner dug its teeth in to my calf. I let out a daraawani 'cheekh', which scared the living daylights of the doggies and they vanished after punch-coding me. Believe me the injections were more painful that the dog-bite.

So i wish my bigotry towards the doggy-kind is well communicated to you people. Go tie friendship bands around its tail , paws (or anywhere your ‘dirty or otherwise’ mind suggests you) but when you bring the dog near me do tie a band around its jaw, my sinful gora badan u see. :p


Monday, May 14, 2007

A slice of Gtalk !!

Once on a lazy sunday afternoon when i was as free as a spoon that comes free with a 502 pataaka Chai-patti ka packet, I pinged one of my blogger friends who was counting the keys on his keyboard to kill time after he by-hearted the Windows help documentation. So here i present the excerpts of the chat. (Oye bilogger dost tu ghabra mat iss post ki kamaai ka aadha hisa teri vasiyat me cut-paste kar dunga!!). He went for the movie Tara-rum-pum the earlier night and so i asked him..
(This is the actual transcript of the chat)

me: Oye tararumpuram!! india ke rocket yahee se chhodte hai aajkal !! dekh li picture..??

Frnd: abbe yaar kal show ke baad auto hee nahi mila , 4 kilometer paidal chala andhere mein , izzat-abroo luti nahi magar

me: O par suna ki ye picture radio par hi dekhne laayak thi

frnd: haan yar , kasam rakhi gulzar kee , upar se bagal wale uncle ne haath laga laga ke waise hee violate kar dia

mallu uncle the , maine hindi mein "mat karo" kaha , unko laga main enjoy karke keh raha hain 'aur karo' , saale ne poore teen ghante maze le liye

me: ohh...baap re elton john ke door ke bhatije kerela me bhi rehte hai
mallu uncle interval me popcorn-saambhar khaate hai

frnd: hans raha hai zaalim , aaj main hoon , kal tu bhee so sakta hain , choodiyan pehan rakhi hai sabne , huh !

me: arey nahee tu bol to Naarth indian baalak utpeedan aandolan ka banner le ke aata hu sign kar diyo

tere scrapbook par dekha..baap re barron ki wordlist ka ek page chipka mila mere ko

frnd: kya ghinona iljaam laga raha hain , kidhar hai aisa ?

me: arey wo *beep* hai koi...mere blog par bhi tehelta hai aajkal

tune bhi rapidex chaapa hai uske scrapbk par
kyabaat hai

frnd: haan yar , main samne wala dekh ke alag alag roop apna leta hain , mere andar ek chota sa english man bhee chupa hai kahin

teri naukri hai kidhar ? kaunse shehar ki ladkiyon ki izzat ko khatra hain ?

me: Bangalore ki ladkiyaa burke ke liye wholesale me kapdaa khareed rahee hai

pune me bhi aisee afwaah hai..wahaa ki ladkiya judo seekh rahee hai

frnd: abbe main laal mirch ka stall laga leta hoon , wo bhee kaafi asardaar rehaga tere hawasi irado ko harane ke liye

chinta mat kario , halki wali mirch bechunga kanyaon ko , jyada nahi jalega tujhe

me: hehe...everest ka tadka , ang ang phadka

arey yaar Jaunpur ke chacha ne kaha MBA jaisee chidiya do saal ke exp ke baad hi pakadna
maine iss baar CAT nahee diya..iss saal dunga
arey kuch pahucha nahee wapas bhej..maamu tu offline ho gaya tha

frnd: haan yar , boss ki parchai choo gayee thee mere jism ko

aur chacha bataaiye , cricket ka shauk rakhte hain ?

me: haa bahut..jyada..cicket ka shauk bachpan se hai

kirkit khelte khelte jawaani nikli hai

frnd: abhee bachpan khatam hee kaha hua aapka ? jawani ke angoor abhi khaane baaki hai aapke :p

me: "Aapka" bolke mere bachpan ka gala mat ghont..iss masoom ko bhi jeene de

frnd: abbe wo tho aise hee variety ke liye bol raha tha ,chinta na kar , hamare ya na izzat dee jaati na lee jaati hain

me: haa yaar nahee to kal raat paidal paidal chalte chalte tu kaii izzatdaar ladkiyo ko benakaab kar sakta tha

frnd: kaafi wajan hai teri baat mein , raat ke saaye mein maine iss shehar ka ek khaufnaak chehra dekha tha dost

frnd: yar koi badkeela gaana bata latest , download karta hoon

me: arey TRAIN ka gaana hai

me: arey cricket me tu batsman hai ya baller..

frnd: main middle stump hoon :p , arre mein wicketkeepr batsman hoon , gilleeecressst jaise :p

me :waise kaun se sheher me hai tu
ya phir *meeep*

frnd :*beep* !
kaunsa gaana hai tu naam bol , uski maa kee

me: arey mai tere ko link deta hu..aankh band kar bas dwnld button daba diyo

frnd: yeh huee na choro wali baat , bata bhai bata , bhagwan tujhe maal padosan dega


ye le dabaa de isko *beep*

frnd: kaafi jayada dabaa dia hain , ek safed screen khul raha hain

me: nahee dheerd dheere saare nazaare "ubhar" jaayenge

frnd: movies nahi dekhta tu ? ja dekh aa hall pe , kabse ghar mein baitha kaanta ho raha hai

me: haa yaar asal me yaha dost nahee hai sale..saale sab net par bikhre huye hai..unko hi batorta rehta hu net pe

frnd: abbe dload kaise karun usko ?

download button nahee aa raha kya??
abey phir sign in kar le
ye le

frnd: abbe yeh tau tho sign in karne ko keh raha hain

me: pwd: *beeep*

frnd: bhai tum sign in karte ho ya nahiiiiii

me: heheheeh

sahee bhidu

frnd: thanks yar , itna bharosa ? meri aankhon mein aaj ek nanha sa aanso aa gaya hain

me: hehehe..abey usme koi kaabuki ka khazaana thode hi hai

jo mai apne poto ko vasiyat me likhunga

Bahut ho gaya.. aage humne bhutan ke rising GDP aur bachpan me kiye gaye secret paap share kiye.
Aur haan have a look at The Garambhejafry ad i created. (hey office going junta you will need earphones to hear the dialogues).


Saturday, May 12, 2007

The Garam Bheja Fry Ad !!

In the true garambhejafry spirit i present to you an all new viral ad for this Blog. Here it is...

Don't forget to tell me how did you like it..!! :)

Labels: ,

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The 'K' word -I

Life's boring , As boring as the news for the hearing-impaired on Sunday afternoons on DD1. Atal bihari vajpayee was a news reader there I suppose. Remembering those Sundays with DD1 when I was a cute little kid, makes me 250gm nostalgic.

I was a "Bhery naaaty buoy" according to a certain pados ki chopra aunty who used to say this while grabbing my cheeks with her pincers (oops were they hands??) and nearly lifting me off the ground. With a swollen red cheek I would mutter under my breath the very few expletives (like "kutti" , "kamini"..oye reader don't raise your eyebrows. tu bhi bolta tha jhooth mat bol !! :p) I saved for such occasions.

We kids used to assemble in front of the Bilack and white TV at sharp 8 o clock in the morning. Just after a quick bath, Eyes were fixed on the TV set as dear mommy with her relentless towel made sure her sonny boy looked export quality clean (I used to hate that sand-papering ).
After noting down tips on how to nourish your gerberas and various other phool-patti on the show 'Ankur' and then braving 'Gurubaani' we came to know every Sunday ki "Jungle jungle kyaa baat chali hai, aur Lux-macho pehen ke kaun sa phool khila hai". The magical world of mowgli, bageera, bhaalu and akdu-pakdu. :p


Bageera : Tumhe pata hai mowgli !! sarpanch ne kaha hai iss baar shikaar jyada nahee milne se sherkhaan se khatra badh gaya hai.

Bhaalu : Haa mujhe bhi cheel ne bataya sherkhaan aajkal nadee ke aas-paas ghoom raha hai!!

Mowgli: (who's staring at the lake) Uhhh...hmmm..

"Mowgleeeeeeeeee!! bandaro ne pakdu par humla kar diyaaaaaa" pappu is frantic.


"kuttttte" I screamed. There was a look of horror on the faces of my cousins. Sure the word "kutta" and its derivatives were forbidden in our house. The 'F' word was yet to replace the K word for expressing deep disgust or unparallel pleasure. And then my dear mommy came armed with her spatula to sizzle my baby bum.

"Who said that ????" Mum was furious

All the cousins pointed their fingers like zombies , at poor moi. It seems they hadn't heard of "anguli-maal" daaku(a mythical dacoit who used to cut away fingers of his prey), they were nourishing one right in their house. Grrr.

"Oye pappu!! Mummy ne kitne garam kiye tere pichhwaade pe??" a yawning reader asks

"kyu re Haath sekne hai kya tere ko!!"

More on that K word in the next post. I promise u a detailed analysis before Rabri devi and Paris Hilton hit the nightclubs together and Adnan sami starts practicing ballet dancing. Reid n Taylor can sign chunkey pandey as their brand ambassador, Tushar kapoor can stand for elections, Sehwag can score triple centuries, Orkut biokutta can write me a testimonial, but butt butt moi can never utter that 'K' word when mum's around.

"Abey to phir 'F' word bolega to kya hoga??" another disgusted reader asks.

"kabhi suna hai jab final yr project submit karne ke time project ki CD "Basic-Insticnt" ki CD se replace ho jaaye to kya hota hai" :)

Idea of this post and the next - courtesy: gunj


Saturday, May 05, 2007

Indian idol- GBF scoop

Bharat ki shaan!! the season begins, and half of the Delhi junta is there. The bathroom singers jinki awaaz sunke paani chala jata hai and the pissed soapdish takes a suicidal dip down the commode unable to bear the torture, Muhammad rafee ke dandruff, kishore kumar ka paseena, GBF reporter everybody was there. The hosts Hussain ( iska first name kya hai bhaai, baap bhi hussain beta bhi hussain) and Mini mathur were shouting at the peak of their voices. "Agla indian idol kaun banegaa" chill maar ladki tu to nahee banegi...pehle naam ke mutaabik kapde pehen ke aa...'mini' mathur.

Lasith malinga look-alikes swinging their hands over snazzy guitars and singing pakistani songs eyes closed, (aas paas waaale say that whenever he closes his eyes [to sing] we close our ears), the countryside guys 'the gaaon ke bhaiye' wearing full sleeved shirts and sporting a pencil thin moustache claiming that they will win it coz they have an MBA backing them up.

And you ask “What ???”
he elaborates “Maa Behan ka Aashirwaaad” (MBA)

You can easily make out a gudri ka laal from the hip-hop crowd. He who uses words like "Uuparwala" "mehnat" , "lagan" is sure to be one with a "jaa beta jeet ke aaiyo, tujhpe pilot baba ka aashirwaad hai" wish from his 'kar-lo-duniya-mutthi-me' type mother.
Tear-happy pretty girls are waiting to torment the judges with their voices and their bitchy mums. And you would find some TT underwear-baniyan ke brand ambassadors with their bulging biceps wearing sun-glasses in the shade. They have a
ladkiya-mere-peeche-paagal-kyu-hai look on their faces. They won't even smile for the camera, attitude hai bhaai.

Our very own under-paid GBF reporter is masquerading as a contestant. He's waiting with the other contestants and is desperately trying to nab a walkman or two or even an earplug from a careless and hell of a lot nervous neighbor. And the big moment arrives

GBF is called in and is told to sit just outside the audition room. Gbf is trying to look all nervous and has the "Oii maaa ab kya hoga!!" expression on his face. And then suddenly a visibly furious contestant referring to all the female members of Anu-malik's extended family comes out of the audition room. Aur ab GBF ka number aaya.

He is facing the judges..

Anu malik : Haa suna bey!!

GBF : Jee main aapko bata du ki maine Goa ke Vasco gharaane ke guru maai ka laal jaikishan se saat saal ki sangeet ki shiksha li hai.. (he touches his ear when he utters the name of his guru)

(javed akhtar is impessed)

Udit narayan : *smiles*

Anu malik : Oye apne resume ke poster mat chipka!! chupchaap gaana gaa!!

GBF : *Beta apne baap se pooch ke aana ki chupchaap gaana kaise gaate hai* “Sir chupchaap waala kaun saa gaana hai..??”

Anu : Arey i mean gaana gaa jaldi, bhott saari sundar ladkiya wait kar rahee hai baahr!!

GBF : haa to sir ji, ye gaana dev kohli saab ka likha hua ka naam hai "loafer" aur Anil kapoor aur juhi chawala par filmaaya gaya hai.. kuch aise ( Gbf closes his eyes and covers his one ear with his palm and raises his other hand to start an alaap) "Saa ni dha pa dha pa ga ma re...ummm Towellll me baahar jaaogi to hallla mach jaayegaaaaa....dhing dhing chi dhick..."

Anu malik : bas!! (he turns to javed saab) jaaved ji iss ladke me kaafi potential hai..saare sur isne pakad liye hai..

Gbf : (he giggles) Sir towel bhi pakad li hai..

javed ji : Jiss muflisee se tumne iss nazm ko izzat bakshi hai, tamaam naazneen tumhara istekbaal karegi..

Gbf : Sir english nahee aati..thoda hindi me boliye naa

Javed ji : Naamuraad tujhe itna bhi nahee ilm nahee..

Alisha : At least he sung well!! mujhe bhi samajh nahee aaya..mujhe laga khaasi aayee hai javed ji ko lekin ye to urdu bol rahe the.

Udit narayan : *smiles*

javed saab : Meri taraf se to naa hai.. (he is annoyed)

Alisha : waise mujhe bhi nahee lagta ki ye bombay aa sakta hai....

Anu malik : Mai chahta hu ye ladka mumbai aaye....tara rum pum pum , iss ladke me hai dum. udit tum batao tum kya sochte ho...bataaaao..

Udit narayan : *smiles*

GBF : Oye Nepali idol jaldi faisala kar...

Udit narayan : *smiles*

javed : ye kya bataayega ye to *beeeppa* hai..

Phir to maar peet ho gayee. GBf made merry and came back. Aaj ke episode me waapas bheja hai usko. Taap secret hai. shhhh!! :P


Thursday, May 03, 2007

Indian Idhol aaya re!!

"The party's is over Dude. The 51st post is up" sternly I say.

"Oye ki keh riya hai!! ye bottle kya maine roti belne ke liye khareedi hai, Gale me utarne to de jaalim isko" a tulli reader retorts.

"Its over I say, Indian idhol has arrived"

"Oye jaa orkut par jaa logo ko scrap chipka, ladkiyo ke album dekh, aur jin ladkiyo ne profile par 12 photos ka vaayeda karke andar phool-paudhe aur babies ki photo chipka rakhi hai unko gaali de, 'report abuse' kar.... blogging kal-parso kariyo"

"Neech paapi, itni gandi soch!! Saale Brazilian ladkiyo ke regular profile visitor, tuuu aisa keh raha hai. Abey tere ko to tere bhaai behno ne bhi block kar rakha hai orkut par...Saale gay communities ke moderator!!" I loose my front.

The tulli reader passes out..ohhh or was it the mirror I was talking to... :O

Phewhh!! 51st post it is. The number 51 as they say is an auspicious number. It is the amount of money you shove inside a pink shaadi waala lifaafa(envelope) and head to attend a distant friend ki usse bhi jyaada distant cousin's wedding party to which you have been accidentally invited to. You mop up the fast food stalls and when you move around with your laden plate with a '51-rupaye-to-vasoolne-de' look , people mistake you for a waiter with a tray (due to sheer amount of stuff u have on your platter).

And hey Indian I-dhol has arrived. And u must know there are 4 judges this time. Anu , Alisha, Udit and Javed ( I am referring to there names as if they are my grandchildren like chunnu-banty… kill me!!).

Trivia : Do you remember the name of the guy who won it the last time??

If you know the answer then you can be either of these people:
1) a blood relative of Sandeep acharya. 2) Anu malek 3) Sandeep acharya himself 4) Desh ka jaagruk naagrik

(Oye sandeep agar tu blog padh rela hai to salaam bolta hai apun!! tere Mike ki battery khatam ho gayee kya re..ek bhi album me nahee dikha. Reshammiya ki topi me ghus gaya kya tu... kyuki jab se usne topi lagaani shuru ki hai tab se tu bhi nahee dikh raha.!!.)

The 1st episode is yet to be aired, as I publish this rubbish. But our very own under-cover GBF reporter has all the scoops. Lets see what he has got for us :

There is a huge crowd waiting outside the audition building, The passers-by mistake the herd for the first-day-first-show crowd for the movie Good boy-bad boy. Aise bhole bhaale logo ka ilaaz alibaug me hona chahiye. chalo i'll complete the post after i watch the first episode. Till then I am gonna rehearse for an upcoming Bhutaani idol. I hope no Australian immigrant is in the fray. WC yaad hai naa maamu :)


Wednesday, May 02, 2007

!!~~****50th Post*****~~!!

Senti hone ka time aaya !! This is the 50th post on this blog yipppee!!. * raises his keyboard and shows it to all corners of the room and the mouse sulks "saale agli baar keyboard se publish button dabaana"*.

Phewhh!! this has been quite a ride. About 8 months back i thought of making an online repository of my short stories. I started wid rediffblogs..but then i got bored of the template which looked like been designed by A K hangal. I thought of moving to blogspot. I had to think of some kick-ass name for the blog (usually blog-names are a P&C of the words "musings" "random", "ramblings" "thoughts" etc). So i zeroed upon "Point blank encounters". The name suited the nature of my stories, but when i started writing humor it looked like tushar kapur slipping into a Black-cat commnado uniform. Then the name Garam-bheja-fry struck me aur phir to nikal padee.

From now on the navigation on this blog will be a bit smooth, as i have categorised my posts into different labels ( you can see the list in the sidebar). As it is the 50th post, so here i present my five favorite posts from this blog. (Mind you!! it was really tuf on my part to pick out 5 of them..2-3 hota to chal jaata lekin paanch :O)

Here's the list.

1) The entire series of "The making of a howalarious 90's movie"

2) Borekut...are you

3) Apun aaya re ..hihahaha

4) Chopra khanadan series

5) Life

Padh ke bataana. Main jab tak aaloo ubaalata hu agli plate ke liye. :P