Wednesday, October 29, 2008

A tale of the Tandoori knight - I

Once upon a time in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a knight and not just any other knight but the ‘Tandoori Knight” He lived in a time when the stock(ings) was something which you had to get rid of, before making your deposit in the “real estate” and the mid-caps was which the tanduri knight adorned his head with, after he was knighted. (It’s a different story that the knight got rid of the mid-caps much before his followers did and at a later date all those who held on to their midcaps were cruciFIIed).

Once when the Tandoori knight was a small baby , he was given his milk bottle to suck on. Instead of happily feeding on the milk li’l tandoori held the bottle at a distance from his mouth, closed his eyes and then started crying loud enough to wake up all the kids in the neighboring kingdoms. (which included those babies who at a much later date gave birth to the knight’s co-actresses). The incessant torture led the family members to frantically search for something useless to gag the ultrasonic kiddo with, and ultimately they gagged him with their mutual fund policy papers (Phew! At last the fund came good), but to no avail. Tandoori was still belting out his su-suroor (yeah he leaked as well). Then they diag‘nosed’ the real problem.

And immediately the family men realized they were blessed with a special child.

When li’l tandoori started attending school, once his teacher innocently asked him what is “7+6”. Recently the fossils of that teacher have been found out by Nat geo.

And on his 21st b’day he was conscripted in the army of the royal kingdom of Nostrilia ( a kingdom whose cricket captain was disap’pointing’ and their fast bowlers bowled over more ‘maidens’ than they bowled maiden overs).

Tandoori was the flag bearer of his kingdom’s army in nearly all the battles. His war cry inflicted mass genocide as well as suicides. And once he single handedly smothered the opposition when half of his army men were on strike , (some sixth pay commission to be blamed) and the other half were found sharpening their daggers lest their leave application be cancelled by their commanding officers.

Tandoori was conferred the title of a ‘knight’ for that particular act of bravery and since then he has been known as the Tandoori knight.

To be continued….

In the next part : The story of the gorgeous ‘jet’tisoned princess err.. the hostess


Friday, October 03, 2008

A Friday after the dryday!

*Post written on Gandhi jayanti*

After wishing a happy b'day to the greatest Ben Kingsley look-alike ever, we hit upon a friday sandwiched between a national and an international holiday. And you ask me whether I have no regard for the father of our nation, and I say, I respect him only when he is excreted from the ATM machine, and yeah last morning(2nd October) when I farted to the morning alarm and slept like a pig, I did thank him.

Each day dragging yourself to that makeshift bus-stop, seeing all those faces; those so called experienced techies, those 26-27 year old deprived virgins with a paunch and a face which explains why?

The freshers who after long last got their joining dates, (they make sure that every single contact on their contact list on orkut/facebook knows the fact and shares the same euphoria) have joined their respective poultry farms, where they will be fed chickenfeed and will be expected to- not just lay golden eggs but donate their legs for the tangdi kabaab on the clients platter. At a later date all of them will be politely culled citing the reason as market flu-ctuation.

They stand there in a bunch decked up in formals, bearing the same glint on their faces, as of their brand new ID cards around their necks. They all look seriously high and agog on the net connection speed, free coffee, and the infrastructure at their respective farms, Wallah!

Then a girl walks by, who has let her hair loose, wet and undone, you think she didn't have enough time but then you look at her carefully done eyeline, and then, you know. As she walks by, paunches get sucked in, people around desperately try to look as if they are oblivious of her presence, and some freshers stare , waiting for her to look back and when she does for a reasonable number of nanoseconds, with their eyes locked up, the ego-battery of the boys begins to charge up (the rate of charging is directly proportional to the hotness of the girl in question), then they look away instantaneously before the girl looks away, triumphant, with their egos charged up, the hair salon waallah might expect a tip the next time around. It's the who-looks-away-first contest and the egos are on the line. Alas it rarely does happen, and we have a sea of ego-low-battery virgins out there, who never get a chance to replenish their ego-pencil-cells.

There are people on the bus stop who carry back packs to office, almost every one of them. And the contents of each bag might reveal the future plans of that particular person. An exotic wordlist or a pale novel (which someone has recommended for enhancing one's vocabulary and comprehension abilities) or a newspaper reporting of blasts and casualties on the streets(dalal/wall street included) or a hurriedly packed lunch box.

While people wait for their respective buses, they watch flashy buses of those MNCs go by, who pay their employees as if there's no tomorrow and then they sigh watching those perfidious bastards, who got lucky, boarding those very buses. Gratefully I am one of those perfidious bastards. :D

Btw here are some of the facebook status msgs I flashed recently:-

1. Oktoberfest on! No wonder the markets around the world are beer-ish.

2.Hump-ty Dump-ty Shat on the wall (street),
Dow and the NIFTY had a great fall!
All the FED's resources and all the congressmen,
couldn't put together $700 billion!

3. To err is leh-man and to forgive is fed!!

4. Does your 'split-personality' has another profile? Does he visit your space here?