Thursday, January 17, 2008

Enter the GBF reporter!!

Hii!! A bhery Guud Mauning to all thee pippal reeding this bilaag!! (and u say ki u have finally some evidence that I injured my head last month!). The GBF reporter is back after a much celebrated and long hiatus to your chag'rin' supreme.

The reporter is all nostalgic about the T-20 world cup, those giggly and at times sultry dreams clad in cargoes and tank tops, their skilled err..otic pelvic thrusts delivered to the living room well appreciated by both Jaccha-Baccha (parents and children), Barrels of Drool, Aahhh and yeah there was this one batsman..what was his name? umm ....yeah ...was it 'yuvraj paadukone'? umm ..may be ... who attempted to entertain us as well.

The GBF reporter has recently noted that Salman khan has been "tussauded" (wax statue unveiled at madame tussauds) and the Bollywood directors are in a state of dilemma as to who's the better actor of the two. Already few producers have approached the 'waxed salman' staue with hefty signing amounts. They believe that under the hot scorching sun the wax statue could give any actor a run for their black money with those lively and 'moving' facial expressions. Salman is up for some stiff competition. Phewh!

"Kahee katrina ko ye naa pata le!! bada saxy.. oops i mean waxy hai ye"

I have heard Riya sen is also gonna be tussauded but instead she has decided to stand there 8 hrs daily, masquerading as the wax statue. "This girl has some serious talent" says the manager of the museum. Anyways she says she's looking for some good scripts, and she won't compromise on that notion. Recently she has signed a movie in which she will be playing the postbox, quite a demanding role it is, she says and the Madame tussads experience will come in handy.

"Haaye rabba! kiska haanth hai ye"

The other important piece of news coming in, is that the TATAs have launched the NANO - the much awaited 1 lakh car. After the 1-lakh-maintanence/year car INDICA, they have moved on and launched the nano , which promises to be the Cab-waalahs delight, They are really excited as they have learnt that it has 21% more space than Maruti 800, and so they have more space to pull off 'those' (pronounced like 'thooooose' with raised eyebrows and a cheap smile) maneuvers and stunts with the night shift waali female BPO staff. Ab samajh jaao uncle! Ab live telecast dikhau kya??

Moreover it has been reported that the car can clock a maximum speed of 90 kmph. People here in bangalore say "K.O" to that.and you ask "Wtf K.O.??" arey bhai knock that 'K Out' from that 'kmph'. 90 metres per hour is a luxury here. Tere ko kya lagta hai jhooth bol raha hu?? Beta kabhi bangalore aaiyo. Station se mere ghar tak pahuchne me hi tere vacations khatam ho jaayenge!!

"Ab mai kya bolu!! car hoon insaan thode hi hoo"

Deepika paadukone was initially high on MSD but then Yuv razz matazz happened and ‘honi se ho gayee anhoni, aur bevkoof ban gaya dhoni’. Aur 7 up peeta reh beta. GBF reporter was appalled at the sheer state of 'affairs' which involved DPka padukone. or was it pad-kone or padded cone. I leave it to your imagination.

Deepika (while gritting his teeth) : "Oye shakal theek kar, aisa lag raha hai table ke neeche kuch ho raha hai"
Yuvi : Arey bada mazaa aa raha hai hewhewhew..lagda hai mainu chadh gayee hai..oye dhoni meri taang me gudgudi kyu kar raha hai be...hehehek nikal bahar table se"

"Uff ye bedard zamaana aur ye tanhaai..dost dost naa raha..saale yuvraj teri monkey, wapas aa beta batata hoon"

And then last but not the Beast- Andrew Symonds. Who incidentally is pretty disgusted with Vijay mallya. And u ask why Vijay mallya?. Recently reports of Vijay mallya entering the F1 circuit hit the headlines, and so Symonds has nourished a notion that Vijay mallya is encouraging 'racism'. Fair thought though. Symos is ‘fishing’ for the ‘king’. (of good times). Our inside sources tell us that Symonds hands over the 'keys' of his locker to his captain each 'Mon’day. God knows why!

So this was the week's wrap up from your very own underpaid GBF reporter. The hit count has crossed 30,000. I yumm happy. Comment bhi kar dena nahee to 'teri monkey...'! hehe!! byeee!


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Space bar!

Happy birthday to all *hic* ....or was it the new year!! .Hang *stayed* over. Someone asked me how merry was your Christmas, I replied ki "Yaar jitni merry Christmas utni teri bhi Christmas". Equality u see.

On the christmas eve my jarurat se bhi jyada techie friend came back from office with a release-date-near-hai-bhai look on his face. He crash landed on the chair and was about to relieve him of his shoes. Just as he was about to untie his shoelaces he looked up, raised his eyebrows, and I got the hint ( May day! May day!) and I pulled the quilt over my head in a flash. We don't buy All-out and other mosquito repellents for obvious reasons.

He peeled the soggy socks of his calf and then gagged his shoes with them. God help those shoes. And before anybody could figure it out he hung those very socks anticipating Hohoho Santa to stuff his WMD (Without months of Dhulaai/Weapons of mass destruction) socks with I-phones and pen-drives filled with porn. In the morning instead of the gifts, we found two assorted Santas lying unconscious on the floor of our apartment, probably asphyxiated. Sad!

Events as strange and as rare as road rollers performing wheelies and double century Indian opening stands in Strayya (Australia) - dotted the week going into the new year's eve.

On the Boxing night (26th dec) i was tapping away keys in my cubicle to put together a piece of code that could perform some kind of desired Sh**t. When I was done, it was already 7:50 pm. The buses were scheduled to depart at 8:30, and so I had some 40 minutes to test the code. It takes nearly 20 minutes to test the code as the servers are situated in Canada. And so 22 long drawn yawns later, to my utter shock I found the test results negative.

"Iski param pujya maataji ki…" I exclaimed.

The time was 8:15. Another 15 minutes left. Absolutely no time for parsing through the code and let the 'Kannada' client machine negotiate with the 'Canada server' for a green test result. Wo kya bolte hai angrezi me "pissed off". I decided to stay on and complete the job and the give the bus a miss, (Are u reading boss?). With a hurt ego well communicated by that beeped stress buster I rummaged through the code and good lord what did I find?? I forgot to insert a space between two keywords in the code snippet, and that caused the test to do an "Ishaan awasthi" (prior to aamir's entry).

I tested it again and 'Bingo!' The test ki murgi 'lays' a green egg. Sadly the time was 8:50 and all the buses had ‘left at the right’ time.

(Un)Luckily My team mate had also stayed back trying to learn Portuguese by reading the photo-captions of tanned brazillian ladies on orkut. Skill set addition he says.

He’s a compulsive biker and he offered me a hitch hike to my PG not before making me learn a few Portuguese phrases well illustrated with adjoining pics. He calls it a pictionary.

On a night which was as black as godrej ki kaali mehendi, two guys were burning rubber on the Hosur road ( A parking lot that leads to my home on my way back from office!).
He was riding the bike and I was weathering the chilling wind perched on the pillion seat, hero heeralal style. We were accompanied by a senior team-mate who was on his enfield.

Just as we were halfway through, an eicher van (mini lorry) hit us from behind at a speed which will make Narayen karthikeyan look like a non-‘racist’. We were badly hit. I was tossed in the air and by the time I could shout out any expletives I found myself rolling on the road with the headlights of the incoming vehicles blinding me. My cellphone aah! That was the last I saw of it.

All my notes, all ad scripts which I stored, short stories, ideas, post themes and what not (bhaai poore 2 litre ki bottle thi creative juice se bhari huyee, jo maine apne cellphone ke fridge me rakhi thi) , shattered to bits and bytes right before my eyes. *sigh*

(readers se kripya namra nivedan hai (polite request) ki mere cellphone ki durghatna me mrityu par 5 second ka maun vrat rakhe (observe a silence for 5 seconds). Wo cellphone jisne iss blog ko 80 posts diye hai. *sniff*)

After I rolled on the road nearly 10-15 times I got up immediately to save whatever bone, skin and flesh I was left with, from the incoming vehicles. My shirt was in tatters, if it hadn’t been for the fresh bruises and gashes peeping out of the tore portions, I could have stood a chance to gather some chawannis and atthannies.

I looked around for my friend.

Then what I saw froze my blood. Our bike was being dragged by that lorry on the road for nearly 100mts. I couldn’t see my friend. Then he emerged from the ruins on his feet. He was looking absolutely dazed. He was accompanying the bike for the 1st 10 mts and then he was thrown aside. I shouted at him "Any Head injuries??". Silence. He was staring into the oblivion. He replied after a pause "No!".

But I had sustained one. I was trying to concentrate on every minute detail I could, in my vicinity so that I shouldn’t pass out. These head injuries are like ticking time bombs. And I HAD some unlucky friends.

We were rushed to the hospital immediately. I could still walk. None of my bones and joints betrayed me. People who were a witness to the accident, said they thought it was all over. Such was the veracity.
The doctors there at the hospital reassured me that the head injury wasn’t that grave I believed it to be. No scans were needed they said. I called the senior doctor "Aap bataao uncle! Ye fresher doctor colg me kitni padhaai karte hai mere ko pata hai..". He reassured me with a quick check up and a smile "Don’t worry!!"

And the bheja is still garam!! :) Come to think of it it all happened coz of a SPACE missed.

P.S. : My friend is recuperating at his home. He was discharged from the hospital 4 days later.
P.P.S.: And I am posting this piece from my office, iska matlab apun changa hai.