Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Ek Chawanni chaap post!!

With a spate of "Mujhe-Angrezee-aati-hai" certificate type posts being posted on Garam bheja fry off late, I yumm back with an original chawanni chhaap post. This is the kind of blog-post reading which- ghar ki bahu-betiyaa laaj ke maare chew their chunnies/pallu to discoloration, the school going naauty buoys wait for their parents to doze off at nights before they read the post with one hand on the mouse and the other hand on their .......mouths of course,(tu kya socha!!) to nullify the noise of their giggle, and the office going junta to bechaari padh hi nahee paayegi, with content more mature than A.K. Hangal (I thought of writing A. Dumbledore here in place of hangal , lekin phir socha log kya kahen'gay' :P) , this post is sure to be blocked by the fire"walls and windows" of those damn network-security waalahs .

So here I present before you the recent referrers list, the links 'those' guys followed to reach Garambhejafry... (Disclaimer : Mature content...Chunnu-munnu dhyaan se padhna, kahee papa naa pakad le..aur agar pakad le to rona mat…kyuki papa bhi kabhi chunnu tha !!)

How enlightening is this to know that my blog caters to the fantasies of those kind hearted readers who are as innocent as parthiv patel’s paaltu khargosh. Bechaare log doesn’t know Garam bheja fry offers stuff as raunchy as the details of Bappi lahiri and romesh powar making out in public..(ewwww waala tha naa!! oops I have few readers in kolkata as well). I hope they weren’t offended by the “jarurat se jyada mature content” of the previous sentence.

Mallu aunty vs. Punjabi aunty :- The nationwide fan following of the Punjabi aunties vs. the “mere piyaa gaye middal yeast, and my neighbor is a raunchy beast” type mallu aunties who love wonly their banana chipzz and get fat to the voyeur pleasure of the GJs(Google Jockies). The battle continues for the “Google keyword queen” title.

The gentleman diving deep into the 'www' in search of the perfect “Fat aunty maal” must have had few expletives reserved for this blog’s author when they would have accidentally clicked on to the link leading them to this page of Garam bheja fry.

Kasam tushaar kapur ke smile ki ye kaun banda hai bhaai, “Delhi Bangalore rajdhani dinner time” Apun bhi ghar jaa raha hai..aur isi train se… isse jarurat mulakaat hogi wo bhi dinner time re..

(Attention: Passengers who belong to the F-16 to F-22 category on the reservation chart ; traveling on the 1st of nov from bangy to New delhi , need not worry about the confirmation of their berths)

And the brats of the cyber dharti who are sweating it out to find the “Naalayak betis” of this world who they think are vulnerable enough to be coaxed in to sitting on one of the corner seats of the empty theaters running RGV movies; this is not the right place/link dude coz I am looking for one such naalayak beti myself. :p (papa agar aapne ye padha hai to aap to jaante ho ki jhooth bolne ki meri bachpan se hobby rahee hai!!)

Junta this was one chaaloo post before I leave for my home ground. India Pakistan series coming up so I hope the frustoo junta out their will look out for those cricket playing uncles(ganguly, Sachin etc) than the fat aunties of this world. And that applies to moi as well. Adios!!

I have added a form above, whosoever wants to flood the mailboxes of their boss’, Professor’s, Teacher’s ex-BF, ex-GF , doodhwala, paperwaala (sorry agar tu khud hi paperwaala hai to :p) , maali , driver; then you can type in the e-mail address and “hit” the subscribe button to receive any new post I puke out here. Home delivery ho jaayegi!! :)


Thursday, October 25, 2007

Advertisements kaise kaise!!!

Advertisements: A 30 to 40 seconds long visual message often used for communicating to the viewer some vital information ranging from the the ills of "saadharan tikiya ki dhulaai" to the secrets of "phoolon see komal twacha". I fondly remember those lazy sunday mornings when i waited (after nahaa dho ke and all cream powder laga ke) with bated breath for the Sadabahaar geeto ka pirogram 'Rangoli'. Hema malini who hosted the show would say "Ab hum sunenge madan mohan dwara sangeetbaddh aur mohammad rafi ka gaaya huaa ye geet..lekin usse pehle hum lenge ek chota saa break".

And then we all would sit there like a dead rock braving some 37 ads of various 'saabun-tel-chaddi-baniyaan brands'. The T.V. remote, which has always been the adman's nemesis, was as useless as a decade old proxy server address. (for logging in to orkut). We had no other choice and therefore we by hearted as to which soap should we trust for our "tandarusti ki raksha" and for getting rid of our "mail ke keetaanu". We were warned about the kabj, gas and acidity ke raakshas which can only be exterminated by those Bhaavnagar waale hunters with their guns loaded with Kaayam churn. Melody was always chocolatee and there was no denying the fact that Borolin was the original 'khushbudar antiseptic cream'. Hamdard ka tonic cincara was a must have for the budding IT professionals and Saundarya saabun nirma was the secret of success of Sonali bendre.

And in the end it was always the "Aaraam ka maamla hai" for the erstwhile flamboyant dudes wearing VIP undies contradictory to the other shy , self conscious half for whom it was still an "Andar ki baat hai".

The ad world has changed hasn't it. So here once again I am trying to segregate the types of ads which run just before the host is about to announce as to "kaun sii jodi iss hafte contest se out hone waali hai"..

1) The Aaj tak chaap ads...the cheap 10-15 second ads:- The only channel featuring such ads are the 24/7 Hindi news channels which boasts of just the right target audience for the products whose ads they run. No matter how important the news being covered the news readers make room for a commercial break...Sample this

Nagma : .Jaisa ki aapko pata hai, orissa ke tatwarti ilaako me samudri tufaan se marne waalo ki sankhya lagatar badhti jaa rahee hai, humaare samvaad daata sanjay baraakta ghatnasthal pe maujood hai, aaiye unhi se puchte hai wahaa ke taaza haalaat...

Nagma : "Sanjay humare darshako ko bataaiye wahaa ke haalaat kaise hai??"

Sanjay: "Jee nagma mai iss wakt samandar ke beecho beech ek naav par kuchh machuaaro ke saath fasaa hu...gaur karne waali baat ye hai ki..abhi ek badee leher humaari or aa rahee hai.."

Nagma : "Kya aap bata sakte hai kitni badee leher hogi sanjay??"

Sanjay : "*gulp* Nagma hummari naav palat gayee...*gulp* bachaao *gulp* ..mai naav ko pakad kar latka hoon !!.."

Nagma : "Sanjay aap humaare saath line par bane rahiye aur uss naav ko pakde rakhiye..ab samay ho chala hai chhote se break kaa. sanjay phir haazir honge break ke baad"

Sanjay : "Iss bulletin ke praayojak hai Barnala TMT sariyaa..... *gulp* *gulp* *gulp*...."

During the break u see celebrities (?) of the likes of Aman verma cleaning random toilet seats. He barges into a house after announcing "Aaiye chalte hai neeta ji ke ghar??"

"Apna toilet dikhaaiye!!" he says. Neetaji is taken aback with a battery of cameramen zooming into her nostrils. She manages with a "Andar Bunty ke papa baithe hain!!" as she pushes bunty's chaddi with her feet (which was lying on the floor) under the sofa unless the cameras zoom into the fibers of the undie. It is evident that the naughty boy slipped out of his bare essentials in a state of utter bowel emergency.

"Aaj hum dikhaa ke rahenge apna safedi challenge..nikaaliye uncle ko toilet se!!!!" And then Aman's safedi challenge waalas do the rest. (this word "rest" can be expanded to generate a pile of toilet humor.. but I refrain from it..theek kiya naa?? :P)

Then he raises the toilet cleaner bottle and announces ,

"H***** ka safaai challenge Aa raha hai aapke nazdeeki toilet-gharo me !! "

After this u see Shekhar sumans and the Siddhus of the industry marketing cheap Japanese inverters and UPS, Character artists of the 90's swearing about the "Jaan!! " (life) in random cements and TMT sariyaas, failed actresses sipping unknown "assam ke bagaano se chuni" random chaai and getting bowled over ; All of it in just 15 seconds. The cost of producing the ad is nearly equal to the price of (one unit of) the product being advertised.

The motive is pretty clear hire a cheap celebrity, tell him to blabber about the product like "Aaj hi apnaaiye / Aisa sunehra mauka haanth se naa choonke / ye hai mera pakka vaada", and wishing that junta will swarm in to the shops like mad Sreesanths and lap up all sariyas, cements and inverters kyuki "Shekhar suman ji kaa waada hai". Bah!

2) Biker ads - With extra premium dude quotient: - These ads are targetted at our colony's wannabe dudes with a cup of extra testosterone in their veins. Their "about me" section in their respective orkut profiles is replete with words like Attitude / don't give a damn /cool / hunk / I make my own road. Their answer sheets may resemble the comment page of a newbie blogger but when their father asks them

"Naalayak , kabhi apne future ke baare me sochaa hai"

They shrug it off with a- " such a waste of time dad !! " and they put on the helmet to take on the world.

This is the same philosophy which's professed in these ads. An ultra cool metro sexual hunk wearing black shades and buckled up in black leather gear, would be shown cruising along on a snazzy bike. And then out of nowhere a chick clad in short pants (and wearing a million other accessories) would ask for a lift. This gives the dude a chance to test his disc brakes and perform a front wheel wheelie (apna colony wala brat utters a thick expletive (*#@*%) out of excitement seeing just that).

When the biker touches ground, He lifts his helmet over his head and delivers a smart-ass line something to the effect of

"A girl who looks a $million, must grace my bike's pillion"

The girl is bowled over and wastes no time in jumping on the pillion seat and then she utters an enlightening line looking sensuously into the camera which if put plainly for all lay-men and lay-women , is

"Bike laa, Maal pataa".

Apna colony ka Vickies and Ronnies coax their respective daddies for the same bike to at least score over the tinas and leenas of the locality. "Be a rebel" (hindi me -> Chori kar, daaka daal lekin bike khareed, bina bike tu "incomplete man"(C*kka) hai) thats the philosophy they want to cultivate in the minds of apna lukkhaas of the colony.

c) We understand you- hum samajhte hai type of ads:-

These are the ads floated by the banks and insurance companies, which claim they know your needs better than you do. They often play around with relations like father-daughter, mother-son, husband-wife, HR guys- Rest of the employees (oops cut the last one). What pessimism is for a brat , translates to future-security for an elderly.

These ads are often strung into a soft background song which talks about the benefits of long term investment and strength of relations. And in between these sweet nothings the ad walaahs manage to slip in some numbers like interest rates and term of deposit. But they want you to frown at the fat numbers with a winning line -

"Arey bhaai meri beti ke future ka sawaal hai".

These guys have all the answers to the questions like "Rahul ke phoren ejjucation ke paise kahaa se aayenge??", "Bitiya ki shaadi bhi karni hai??". Character artists from the television industry feauture prominently in such ads and with their weepy antics try to infuse such emotion that you crave for a bitiya first and then her shaadi.

Three more types to be explained....we'll discuss them in my agla post!!


Sunday, October 14, 2007

Aunty mat kaho naa!!

Aunty. Whenever we hear this word a mental sketch comes out of the bheje ka printer, forming an image that resembles a particular aunty which you loved, hated or respected(?) when you were a chhotu kid. But for me this word reminds me of none other than the gruesome and huge, the sabjiwaala's nightmare herself - 'Pados ki Chopra aunty'. She looked huge in her salwar kurta. When i stood near her , from a distance it looked like a japanese tourist standing beside the Statue of liberty.

I was a "Bhery naaaty buoy" according to Chopra aunty, who used to say this while grabbing my cheeks with her pincers (oops were they hands??) and nearly lifting me off the ground. With a swollen red cheek I would mutter under my breath the very few expletives (like "kutti" , "kamini"..oye reader don't raise your eyebrows. tu bhi bolta tha jhooth mat bol !! :p) I saved for such occasions. I very well know the fact that all the Aunties in this ' world of uncles' are not as sweet as Chopdee. ( We li'l scoundrels could think of just this nick!!)

So here i am trying to once again 'Munaf patel ke gaalo se bhi jyaada rough-ly classify the types of aunties in akkhaa-India :-

1) Middal class ki desi aunty :-

On a lazy winter morning when the sun is out and you hear the colony ka sabjiwaala hawker passing by announcing :-

"Aaloooo pyaaz bhindi tamaatar le lo-ooooooo...."

You hear a shrill voice from a balcony... "O sabjiwaale bhaiyaaaaaa ..... pyaaz kaise diye...". says a petite lady with her hair done in a bun over her head and a jhaadoo in her one hand. She's still wearing the nighty (night gown) and that's what is the trademark of this category of aunties. She's the bargain queen of the land. Here's the foreplay of the great game.

"Didi le jaao bohni ka tame(time) hai....20 rupay ke 2 kilo.." the hawker fed up with the daily-bargain-trauma tries to surrender early. The Aunty is no mood to let go of him this easy.

"Ruk aati hu neeche" She tucks the few loose strands of hair that have spilled on to her face, behind her ears with the same hand that carries the jhaadoo. Auntyji descends down the stairs wearing the same gown.

"haa bhaiya..kitna bhaav bataya... !!!" says she in an almost threatening tone.

"Bhenji!! 12 rupay kilo ka bhaav hai...aap 20 me 2 kilo le jaao..bolo tol doo 2 kilo??" he's ever so eager to close the deal.

"LOOT RAHA HAI KYA TU....pyaaz bech raha hai ya gehne??...aise sadey galey pyaaz mai 12 rs me khareedu tere se?? neembu ke size ke pyaaz humey tikaa raha hai tu... meri kaamwaali baai bhi naa khareede ye to !!!!" She shifts to top gear and has nearly run over the poor sabji waala.

"Didi...mandi me jaake pooch lo isse kam bhaav kahee nahee......" he comes down to his last resort.

"Oye Mandi se parso hi munnu ke papa 8 rupay ke bhaav pyaaz laaye hai...mujhe mat sikha mandi-wandi !!..8 rupay me dena hai to de warna waise bhi mujhe bahut kaam hai" Killer blow. In the meantime one more nighty-clad aunty arrives to the scene.

"Dekh naa manju loot raha hai ye bhaiya...10 RUPAYY bata raha hai bhaav pyaaz kaa" she tries to gather her army by coaxing one more of her kind in to the pricing war.

"Itte kam me to nahee de sakta mai...mandi se hi le lena pyaaz.." sabji waala is heart broken.

"Jaa jaa nahe chahiye......Ambani ke ghar jaake thelaa lagaaiyo..achee bikri hogi.." And then she mock parades back to the stairs. She knows the sabjiwala will crumble and surrender to her desired rate. And thats what happens..

"Achaa bhenji bohni khoti ho jaayegi..diyaa 8 rupay me....le jaao...Jeene mat do humey!! " he says in a defeated tone and loads the balance with the onions.

Auntyji comes back gladly and throws a winning smile at manju who is a trainee in the bargain game and then says she -

"Arey bhaiya tum to mandi lagaaoge, bade seth banoge aur tum jeene marne ki baat kar rahe ho!!"
the sabjiwala is indifferent to the cajoling as he looks helplessly at the auntyji picking up the ripe onions.

The game is won.

She is the apni indian aunty who can even bargain with a vending machine. She's omnipresent. The typical indian Housewive. The target audience of the Balaji telefilms.

The "khana khaa ke jaana" attitude even towards strangers endears her to everyone. All their husbands have a similar nickname that's - 'Ajee' as in " Ajee aap naa bade 'wo' ho!!". She has no rigid career goals and she is happy with the 450 rs she makes by teaching hindi to chunnu,muunu and bunty (colony ke natkhat chhokrey).

2) The sophisticated Page 3 aunties :-

It has been echoed a zillion times by a million feminists (aunties) around the world that "Behind every successful/controversial man there is an aunty". And true it is, while their husbands create all the ruckus on the page 1 of the newspapers, just behind them on the page 3 their better halves(Aunties) clad in backless blouses and designer jewellery, dazzle the page. The self professed socialites say they are doin it for a cause, to feed the poor li'l children in "God-knows-where"-istan. They are the "Driver gaadi nikaalo, party ke liye der ho rahee hai" types who refer to the top fashion designers by their first name. (for ex "Manish" and "Vikram" for Manish malhotra and Vikram phadnis).

These ladies often try to cite references to their recent phoren trips in unrelated conversations. Dodge this

In some random party :-

Mrs Roy : "Hey just have a look at Mrs laalwaani. Such a gaudy saaree she's wearing. looks like those '25% Festival discount' types...*giggle* "

Mrs Mehra : "And her sleeveless blouse OMG. makes her look like one of those obese brazillian grandmas in the Reo carnival. You know what I saw a lot of women like her when i was holidaying in Brazil this summer"

*more giggles*

3) The newbie aunty on the block :-

The ever so shy and coy newly wed aunty who has just moved in to the house across the street much to the thrill of the gully cricket playing teens. As she has just been married, her wardrobe is replete with bright colored ravishing saarees and suits, which she flaunts when she goes out for that "Evening walk" with her hubby , amidst sighs from the lukkhaas of the colony. Her mehendi hasn't faded away yet and she wears a full stack of bangles 24x7 err... 16x7 (Bhaai ab choodiyaan pehena ke hi sulaaoge kya...8 ghante sone bhi do!!).

and the gully cricket playing chhokraas talk

"Oye sharma jee waale ghar me naya maal aaya hai" one of the excited teens breaks the news.

"O teri..phir dekhne ko kab milega.." In chorus

"Shaam ko nikalti hai, arey yaar aunty to maal hai lekin uska pati to shakal se hi ch**iya dikhta hai !!" An absolute cliche it is.

"Bhaiye aisa hi jamaana hai langoor ko hi grape(angoor) juice peene ko milta hai...*sighh* " and they heave a big sigh together.

Just a fleeting glance at the husband was enough for the gully ka chhokraas to rechristen him as a 'langoor', his IIM degree notwithstanding. Poor hubbies ; their wives are the most sought after aunties for the designer karwachauth parties.

Dhaarmic aunties and the teacher aunties to be discussed next!! :)


Sunday, October 07, 2007


Gandhi jayanthi popularly known as a national holiday and more popularly known as a dry day, falling on a weekday looks as cute on the calendar as celina jaitley, bipasha basu and saaddi manjeet (the silly village girl) on an atlas ki cycle. We decided in favour of a movie outing, we had two options to pick from- Johny Jamadaar err.. gaddar and bourne ultimatum (sounds like a harry potter spell).

PVR was the nearest haunt for us 'Mawalis' to 'see' more than just the movie. Soon we reached the ticket Q preceeded by some roaring laughter and heavy handed back slapping. Let me describe the scene there, when the crowd saw us arrive.

Girls with artificially straightened hair frowning with disgust, their "darling-where's-your-ass-i-m-feelin-licky-licky" type boyfriends making apprehensive faces, few wary and thus balding uncles reaching out to their back pockets to ensure the safety of their wallets , Fat aunties in sleeveless blouses clasping on to their handbags tight with their flabby arms ; All this followed our arrival to the scene. ( Due apologies to those few kind hearted readers who claim they aren't the likes of the ppl described above but infact are. )

An inky-pinky-ponky played among us friends decided as to who will stand in the ticket queue where some skimply clad girls (read chicks) were jostling for some elbow room much to the fascination of us young blooded brats who were ready to lend an elbow. ;).

We got the tickets for the late night show of 'Bourne ultimatum' after my 'inglish isspeeking' friends decided in favour of 'Bourne baba'.The tickets were getting booked at the speed of dinesh karthick running a 100m frog race carrying Smriti irani (tulsi) on his shoulders. So we dint have much of a problem in getting the tickets and what followed provided me with the 'maal' for this post..

The 'fillum dekhni waali' junta can be 'meri pajaame se bhi jyada loose'-ly classified into :-

1) Bizznesshh-man unkils, the "maal-consignment nahee" pahucha types –

Imagine a situation when you are watching 'chak de india' in a theater with your GF/BF/MF (MF-Mother Father :|), shahrukh is delivering that sattar minute pep talk, you all are riveted to your seats, utter silence in the hall, and then you hear a shrill mono ring-tone beating out some crappy reshamiya number.. The culprit uncle behind you picks up his phone..

"Haa bunty bol, cement load ho gaya kya??...maal load karke truck waale se raseed le liyo.... Bh*c**d Lallan baalu me mitti milaa raha hai..bolna saale ko payment late milega..chal be raseed kaat ke dobaara phone kariyo..."

When you hear this you feel like someone just emptied a truckload of baalu-mitti on your head. When the ankilji talks he keeps the phone at an 45 degree angle to his ear and he talks loud that even the shrewd popcorn waala outside knows who bunty is and lallan's sis needs to be wary of his brother.

2) "Corner seat par dard-e-disco"- the coochie coo couples-

In a queue a plump guy wearing a shirt with floral prints accompanying a bon-shy girl (bon-shy - a short and ever so shy girlie) is standing near the ticket counter. The guy announces with a naughty smile playing on his face. Rajesh khanna is proud of him.

"Bhaai saahab!! 2 CORNER seat dena…" he throws a pervert smile at the girl. The sharmili ladki squeaks. and so does the ticket waala.

When the couple leaves , a guy in his teens says to the tkt counter guy out of sheer desperation :-

"Bhaiyaaa!! inke BAGAL WAALI ek seat dena...INKE BAGAL WAALI" he's panting

"Kyo be ek saath do pictures dekhega kya....beta agar teri age above 18 hai tabhi ticket milega" counter waala retorts.

These are the couples which have no other place left, to show their 'pyaar ki taakat' and their 'sacche pyaar ki nishaani'. The parks are no longer safe with 'slap'py-happy policewaalahs at large and beaches(read : bandstand) to har city me hai nahee. Moreover the safety of cinema halls lies in the fact that they are too dark for any cell phone camera to render any potential juicy MMS.

The CSC (corner seat couples) association has recently felicitated Ram gopal verma for his contribution to the cause of the CSC. Movies like RGV ki aag, Darling, James, Naach compelled some 27 seats to escape out of the empty theater. Even the poor non-living seats didn't stand a chance against the brilliance of RGV.

The CSC with their adept "hand-eye coordination" show some real skills in pulling off some amazing maneuvers in the confines of the two seats inside the theater. "Haath ki safaai" they say. Long live CSC and may thou always manage to get a seat next to 'em . Amen!

3) Giggly girls in groups!! -

This is the group that brings in the revenue for the owner of the theater/multiplex. They are the second biggest attraction after the movie itself. All the mawaalis (read :us) decide on a movie after looking at the "quality" of the queue.

Chemically straightened hair with a highlight, heels that may puncture the floor, enough kaajal around their eyes to manufacture 3 blackboards, clothes as vulgar as this post; all this makes them the 'hot talking point' at the guy's respective hostel/PG/flat at nights after the show gets over. These girls cackle together whenever there's a sniff of humor in the movie. They are not as silly as saaddi manjeet and carry their 250 gm attitude well. These girls look to have bread crumbs for their dinner as they have pledged to wear their wedding ring around their waists.

Once inside the theater when you have plopped down on your seat and have planned to rest your feet on top of the seat ahead in the same 'Raja babu' isshtyle, suddenly a girl or a group of girls of the variety explained above come up to your seat and maintaining a stiff face say "Excuse me!! please...". you look at the angel eyed girl like a drunken monkey with your mouth open and then you realize you have to sit upright to give her way. She doesn't even look at you. And then when you reach home you boast among your friends as how you and the girl talked and exchanged family history and "samay ka to pata hi nahee chala ki kab nikal gaya".

4) Chaalu Chhokraas - "the wannabe dudes"-

Ideally this group follows the giggly girls and so it does here. The wannabe dudes come to the theater emptying half of their respective hair-gel tubes on their scalp. From the maafia look to the Chu**ya look each style is well represented by the dude fraternity.

Normally these guys come late to the theater. They would stand in front of the screen and in a fake attempt to search their friends they check out the girls and note down the GPS coordinates of the 'talented' girlies. Most of the dudes look like models who have walked the "Rampur ka ramp". And each time during the intermission, when they look at the price list of the food-items inside the multiplex (For ex 2 samosas for Rs. 50) they utter a thick (maa behen ki ) gaali under their breath. (which is perfectly justified).

The Popcorn waala scoffs at them and the guy at the metal detector double checks them before letting them in. Dudes wonder when they will earn enough to be able to buy popcorn and stuff without having to worry about the gain of calory and the loss of salary.

5) The blogger uncles :-

These are the super quiet types. Even the empty seat makes more noise than them. These are the super elite french bearded reviewers and blogger types. They often come in twos and sip a single cup of coffee thru the entire movie.

"There's is some sloppy sditing in the frames numbered 40-45..." one of them whispers to the other.

not to be left behind the other guy squeaks "yep!! moreover the screenplay slackens at times."

A dude from behind

"Sirji !! abhi picture shuru nahee huyee to vicco vajradanti ka ad dikha rahe hai , jiske screenplay ka aap operation kar rahe ho"

That sums it up..bahut likh diyaa bhaai!! keyboard ki keys se letters gaayab ho gaye hai ghis ghis ke...chal jab tak mai keyboard paint karta hu... tu comment kar de!!


Tuesday, October 02, 2007

GBF reporter ki reports!!

“Yuvraj packing six sixes of a Broad over and a six packed Shahrukh going over board” were the two drool-worthy sights of the past month. (Abey itti jaldi sentence padh gaya…dhang se dekh to sahee kitni mehnat gayee hai likhne me..).
 My friends tell me that the abs are nothing but the sediments of the “40+” capsules he has been gulping all along, which are now showing up; quite a sick thought actually. Kya shahrukh bhaai...sunken cheeks and 5 ½ kg hairs on your scalp sadly makes you look more like my Patiyaale waale taauji, minus the abs though. For my patiyaale waale taauji six pack means cheh (six) peti aur har peti me 8 khambe (full botal).

(isse pehle ki dard-e-disco morcha ke workers ransack my house aur maar maar kar mere 3-4 abs nikaal de..i better switch the topic)

So let’s just summarize the events of the past 1 month.

1. India wins the tonti tonti wolld cup :- An unforgettable experience , the finest week of Indian cricket, The exuberance of youth and……. (ek belly khujaata huaa Reader: oye bhejafry beta aaraam se to aisa lag raha hai ki cricinfo ki site khol ke baith gaya hoon, yaa phir maine siddhu ke chor pocket waali diary khol li hai, apni aukaad me reh …angrezi tere aur shoaib malik dono ke bas ki nahee hai)

Haa to bhaai, let us tell you some inside stories….

Brett lee bowling to shoaib malik. Malik is beaten comprehensively. Lee comes up to shoaib and says :

Brett lee : (shift dabaa ke 1436732 type kar le reader…arey bhaai gaaliyaa dee aur kya…ab kaun see gaali di ye to naa shoaib ko pata naa hi mere ko.)

Shoaib : “I unite your mother and sister in next shot”

(agle shot me mai tumhaari maa behen ek kar dunga)

Brett lee: (enraged) “teri maa ki..”

(don’t ask me brett lee ne kahaan se seekha ye)

The cheerleaders talking to each other during a match..

Ch1: “chameli behen, aaj raat mere kamar par thoda iodex mal dena, naachte naachte toot gayee hai meri naazuk kamariyaa”

Ch2: “Kyu nahee behna, jab bhi ye naaspeeta yuvraj batting pe aata hai, kamar toot jaati hai, ab kya bataau ghar par boodhi maa ke ilaaz aur chhote bhaai ki padhaai keliye kitne sitam jhelne padte hai humey “

Ch1: “sahee kahaa…aur to aur ye India Pakistan ke log…uffff.. chaahe kisi bhi team ka chauka padey…khush ho jaate hai..naach dekhne ko jo milta hai”

Ch2 : “Ye cameraman bhi kam nahee hai muaa, ball boundary cross karne se pehle hi itna zoom kar dete hai idhar ki mere face ke pimple bhi dikh jaaye logo ko”

A jubilant indian fan : “oye gori mem, mere saath Nach baliye-3 me chalegi?? ”

More inside scoops from the tonti tonti wolld cup and the launch of the starlets… johny hawaldar..err gaddar and Saawariyaa in the next post.