Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Aaloo paraathas,ASP.NET and Ganpati...

Aaloo paraathaas and home are synonymous, at least for me they are. Finally i am at home, behaving like a refugee from Somalia let loose in Mc Donald’s with free meal coupons. I was raumbaa starved after spending 3 long months where my alma mater is located. The local Tamil has rubbed on me a bit, which I am sure I’ll be able to scratch it off by aaloo parathaas accompanied by dahee n chutney.

   As I have learnt that our tormentors(colg admin)  have not yet announced the release date of the wailing batch mates and myself putting up all fancy profile names on orkut I feel a bit uneasy, a gut feeling is getting nourished and my friends there in chennai say..."saale aish kar lo aaahhhh (thandi aaahe) humaara bhi din aayega" I delete those kinda scraps

(And my scrap count suffers...the number is at present like the price tag of some non-nike ,non-reebok sneakers for which the BATA showroomwaalah says "mai maa ki kasam khata hoon"ensuring its durability)..

 Here at home things are not all that rosy and no real "aish" is materializing. I am as free and jobless as the marketing manager of Sourav ganguly.TV is boring as ever. and with the eyes which are used to watching un-censored stuff, detest HBO and Star-movies where nowadays when a guy and a skimpily clad gal talk alone , when the dialogues cease and as they come closer, in the very next scene two tota-mainaas(parrot n sparrow) are shown pecking each other(?) with there beeks.pathetic!!

  The news channels are no less. I’ve got this confidential news that Aaj tak has signed an MoU with Aspirin.(I am waiting for any channel which signs it with Viagra haah!!).Just have a look at an instance of the prime time news bulletin on Aaj tak.

Sanjay: "Aaiye hum aap ko le chalte hai rahul mahaajan ke ghar jaha humaare samvaad daata deepak chaurasia maujood hai"

" haa deepak kyaa aap hamey sun sakte hai"

(Deepak is on screen and he is as blank as laloo's 10th board answer sheet)

"Deepak aapko humaaree awaaz aa rahee hai...deepak"

Deepak : "...haa sanjay boliye"

(People behind Deepak desperate to come on TV are waving as if stranded on an island for ten years and trying to signal a far off ship in sight)

"Deepak iss wakt wahaa rahul mahaajan ki shaadi ki kaaafi gehma gehmi hogi.kyaa mahaul hai iss wakt wahaa par??"

“Sanjay jaisaa ki hum sab ko pataa hai.aaj rahul mahaajan ki shaadi shweta se hone jaa rahee hai.subah se hi yahaa BJP ke diggaj netaao kaa taanta lagaa huaa hai…”

(He’s referring to shweta as if she was his school time sweetheart)

TURRRRRRRRRRRRRR !!!!!! a scooter passes by and deepak is interrupted…

With renewed energy he speaks up

”Apko bataa du ki is shaadi ke liye 25 kilo gehu 35 kilo basmati chawal , khoob saare MDH brand masaale aur sajaawat ke liye 5 kilo phool bhi mangaaye gaye hai aur gaur karne waali baat ye hai ki phool bilkul Phreshh hai…pandaal banaane me kaamdhenu sariyaa(iron rods)  istemaal kiya  gaya hai”

  Then suddenly the camera shifts to Sanjay in the studio when he comes to know of the fact that he is on-air and he has nothing to speak and Deepak on the other side is dictating the recipe of the mughlai biriyani. Sanjay is speechless and his face is like as if he has pissed in his pants.

Deepak  :   “…..shweta abhi abhi twinkle beauty parlour se facial karaa ke aayi hai.chaliye unse hi poochhte hai ki wo kaisaa mehsoos kar rahee hai”

Shweta comes out of her car and Deepak rushes to her to get some exclusive footage.there's already a battery of media persons mobbing her wid "shaadi karke kaisaa lag raha hai ??" type questions..

Deepak: “Shweta ji .bataaiye aap facial karaakar kaisaa mehsus kar rahee hai??”

Deepak trying to shove the microphone up her nostrils.

”shweta ji …shwetaa ji bataaiye….” deepak struggling.

she looks up to her bodyguard….

And immediately the telecast is switched to the studio cameras and Sanjay sitting there says in a hurried tone.

“Chaliye ab chalte hai Raakhi saawant ke paas jo ye maang kar rahee hai ki item numbers ka bhi oscar nomination honaa chahiye..”
In the meantime Deepak while trying to get some exclusive footage, got some real exclusive “Foot”age on his ass from shweta’s bodyguard.Now the entire wedding is covered by a Worldtel camera from a safe distance.

  And I forgot to tell you that I’ve finally zeroed upon a topic for my final year project that involves ASP (it is not a designation in the police ranks). I’ve to parse thru the entire bundle of print outs labeled “a complete idiot’s guide to ASP” no surprises it’s a best seller.
  I’ve to read all this stuff amidst ganesh chaturthi celebrations where they have installed a loudspeaker near to our house ( ironically funded by the chandaa collected from us only!!) on which some second cousin of himesh reshamiya torments us with parody bhajans.

 And as I complete this post rahul and shweta get happily married, Deepak comes to office with an ice pack stuck to his ass and I happily munch on more aaloo paraathas.