Sunday to Monday

On a Sunday afternoon, trying to put together a write-up (I must add after polishing off two Avian Limbs with gravy), is as arduous as trying to whitewash the nearest building with a toothbrush. Seriously, what a generous Sunday-lunch does to a foodie is what Narco-analysis does to tainted ministers.

And to top it all, lack of sleep the previous night makes matters worse, (especially when you have started with the season opener of LOST at 10 last night). As you stare at the monitor plucking words off the screen by your eyelids, the waft of sleep intoxicate you, slowly decapitate you of your senses, and in no time it feels like you are carrying two software-engineering textbooks on your eyelashes.

Being in such a state, expecting something intelligible to escape from the keyboard to the laptop-screen is highly improbable, and the article looks more like a result of an extended session of FIFA-play, while your word document was open. Tackle-LongPass-Shoot-PublishBlog.

I switched on the TV to keep me from passing out, and suddenly I was caught up in a socio-political ad in which cross-border dumb-charades was being enacted. ‘Aman ki asha’ they call it, looks to me, like an effort to fart out loud when the stomach is running. Poor fellas, to their misery, IPL (Indo-Pak love) is as dead as a Sohail tanveer in a Bajrang dal office.

Flipping past the Sun tvs and the Vijaya tvs and their various off shoots - showing buxom actresses flapping their love-handles trying to keep step with the over ecstatic hero at some foreign locale - I settled for Dance India Dance on Zee. Mithun da sitting alongside Salman khan, both trying to outwit each other, and some deft dancing from the contestants, made good afternoon TV viewing. But it lasted until one of the judges exclaimed after one act, "Chummeshwari performance", as he blowed a kiss to a female participant. Goodness gracious, I searched for my remote, as if it was a screaming family member buried under post-earthquake rubble. Mute. PowerOff. Peace.

Focus shifted to my twitter timeline for some canned inspiration. And guess what I see there - "Arjun rampal wins the national award in the best supporting actor category". I gasped for breath as I searched for the tag #fakingnews appended to the tweet but to no avail. It was indeed breaking news.#fail. This was as ridiculous as watching the pirated version of Avatar on your Ipod nano.

Sometimes I feel my timeline looks like a green-peace protest rally, as the tweets look more like protest-march-placard text. Chill maaro yaaro.
And there are celeb-tweets, invariably followed by a smart-ass twitterer pointing out the spelling mistakes of the aforementioned tweet. Surely for them, getting a life in addition to getting one full blooded "Fukoff" as a reply from the celeb, are two of the resolutions for the new year. And the Glamour dolls have nothing to "loose" here on twitter, "definately" more followers are gonna throng "there" timelines, their #grammargandu-isms notwithstanding and with that I rest my case here.

Saturday, before its death, had poured a refreshing Sunday into the cup of our lives. You take a few sips and before you could appreciate the taste and aroma, It has evaporated and, yeah, you snickering morons I am not on crack *hic*.

And for some of you who are still reading this at your workstations, Alt+tabbing to glory, don't get caught on the wrong tab, given you already got caught on the wrong job. Have a great week ahead. Btw can u tell me the score from the cricinfo tab you just whizzed past? I know Gambhir is putting up a 'Chummeshwari performance.'

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The kind of people who are around you!

(Caution : Extreme sarcasm ahead)

Who forward ppts about philosophy of life and happiness as email attachments, with lots of pics of kids and flowers.

Who use the word- "did" followed by a past tense form of any verb in sentences, they speak/write. For Ex- "I did not went there yesterday".

When they press the 'enter' key after typing some lines on a chat window, the Enter-keystroke can be heard within a radius of 20ft.

Who hope that they don't stumble upon any known face, while they step out of the office lavatory. These guys wear an apologetic look on their faces and are trying to communicate with their body language : "Dint get time in the morning yaar!!".

Who act as if they are searching for their friend in the crowd, but actually are checking out a particular girl. The girl is completely aware of the fact, contrary to the belief of the gentleman.

Who hope that any of their friends gets tagged in some random album so that they can run through the entire album, searching for pretty sights.

Who post stuff on their blog, and go to the extent of tattooing the link of the post onto their bodies to bargain for an appreciative comment or two.

Who always claim their credit limit is maxed out, and so you have to book the movie tickets from your card for the group/that particular person.

Who indulge in urinal-dialogues, that is talking to the adjacent urinal occupant while taking a piss, which irritates you to no end.

Who write their profile names on orkut/facebook in Capital letters.

Who make it a point to stash away some 45 chilly flakes and oregano sachets when they order a pizza.

Who often keep their cellphones in their shirt pockets.

Who write ROFL / LMAO/ ROFLMAO without actually knowing the full form.

Who use the same Bisleri pet bottle for two years to store and drink tap-water from.

Who keep the phone at a 45 degree angle with their ear while talking.

Who play Orkut game applications and get excited after a high score which they publish gleefully.

Who mull over calling back that Nigerian businessman who has offered them to part with his cash, for a little help.

Who recommend "You can win" by Shiv kheda to random people.

Who hail Chetan bhagat as the best thing to happen to Indian literature.

Who post word-art(for ex- A guitar made of hashes and asterisks) as orkut-testimonials to friends.

Who don't know how to react and what to say, when some-one thanks them graciously.

Who look away from the camera while posing for a shot, when they are wearing Aviators.

Who have secretly clicked the "Unlike" button on Facebook at some point of time.

Who actually click on the Google ads.

Can u add more....

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27 vital stats you must know

1) 67% of the self righteous elderly gentlemen believe that farting should be banned at petrol bunks citing it as a precautionary measure.

2) 57% of the youngsters do fart at petrol bunks after relieving their bums from the pillion seat after a long ride.

3) 81% of the old folks talk considerably loud while on an STD call.
4) 81% of engineering students talk loudly anyway.

5) 7.5% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss national politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

6) 0.0075% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss State politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

7) 65% of the people use their mobile-phones as a timepiece.

8) 73% of the boys who are wearing goggles look around pompously for any beautiful girl who's checking them out.

9) 58% of the people haven't completed reading Fountainhead/Atlas shrugged despite years of hard work put in.

10) 76% of the 14-24 Age group men still giggle seeing stray condom packets on the sidewalk or elsewhere.

11) 91% of the engineers have absolutely no idea as to what does an HR professional do in a day's work.

12) 87% of the 18-25 Age group people get excited seeing a vehicle bearing their home-state's license plate.
for example -: Upon seeing GJ-01-6789 "Ey ghel-chodyaaa!!!!"

13) 93% of the people belonging to the 20-30 age group use the words "Autowaalas" and "bastard" in the same sentence.

14) 89% of the people who refer Google maps before heading for an un-chartered territory or destination get terribly lost in their way.

15) 77% of the young men after washing their hands wipe their hands clean of water by gloving their hands in their respective jeans pant pockets.

16) In 75% of the high schools, Male absenteeism is at its peak just a day before Raksha bandhan.
The rest 25% schools are boys-only.

17) 93% of the 18-25 age group boys wear a super low waist jeans pant over a Jockey undergarment. So that even if they wear a Silk Kurta the label should show somehow.

18) 99.9% of the actors would never wear the undergarment brands they are endorsing.

19) 67% of the girls who are obese wear super tight tees and denim pants which are about to explode. (god knows why)

20) 81% of boys agreed to the fact that the first thing they do when they enter a coffee shop is to check whether any cute girl is sitting inside.

21) 87% of the people aged between 18-25 years mock at the alleged stupidity of the news items broad-casted by the Hindi news channels, 65% of the above youth have confessed watching those news items on a regular basis.

22) 87% of even the most liberal boys who see a girl on the pillion seat tightly clasping the male rider, use the words "indian culture", "tradition" and "girls character" in consecutive sentences.

99% of those boys would kill for being that male rider.

23) 73% of the people extremely detest those facebook users who claim to have an awesome time every five minutes, and they share this feeling every alternate day through their status msgs.

24) In 75% of the cases when there are 5 people to be dropped at their respective homes in a friend's car, then 90% of the passengers when starting from the same point, quicken their steps towards the front door to get that seat.

25) When boys thumb down messages on their cellphone while driving, 95% of those messages are intended for a female recipient.

26) 78% of the people who hang-up on escaping with saying "I'll call you later", never call back.

27) 2% of all times when a person looks in to the rear view mirror over his head, is for actually gauging the incoming traffic,

the rest :-

68% of the times checking out that hot female who's is this cousin of a friend, sitting in the back seat or may be the beauty behind the wheel driving right behind.
30% of the time showing his distaste through a cold stare to his friend for being coaxed into dropping some random tag-along bitchy female to the other end of the city.

Pick your top 3 and do tell me :) and do check out shashank fame gajabkhopdi's post for more of such viral stats.

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Govinda = Gov of India

Govinda = Gov of India

Believe me this post is gonna be more random than the title. After all "random matlab samajhdari" :P.

A lot has been happening on the personal front, A weeklong stay at home suite home, (Chuck the presidential suite, the "home suite" is in) Coming back to my office and finding myself ankle deep in work, being as useful as the F12 key on your keyboard. (kabhi dabaya hai?), then suddenly I was told to apply for Visa to a country in sub-Saharan Africa named Angola for a business travel spanning 6 weeks. A new project beckoned.

Now whenever you hear the name of any lesser known African country, The slide show which runs on your bheje ka projector is somewhat like of hungry black kids with swollen bellies with UNICEF aid nearby and if you have seen "Blood diamond" by any chance, then the picture is much scarier.

So when my boss did break in the news to me, I was in a "chhodiyaan todo" mode. It’s like going with Anti-Malaria shots in your ass and returning with bullet shots in your head. Then suddenly the prospect of an African Safari and a week long stay in Jo’burg was thrown in. I knew it was like an offer to scuba dive into your nearest sewage tank. I politely refused and had pity on that euphoric asshole who was chosen as my substitute. Travelling to the war torn nation is as unsafe as Harbhajan singh going for higher studies to Australia.

So I got myself shifted to a desi project, bole to ekdum dara singh ke kandhe pe baitha Praveen kumar jitna desi, which will take me to saaddi dilli. And as the visionary ascetic Anu baba puts it "east or west india is the best" and later he adds "between burma in the east and kabul in the west" but wo koi nahee sunta.

Then some days back I saw this blog crossing the 60,000 hits mark, I know people are losing jobs, some are on the verge of it and some are waiting to join their jobs to eventually lose it. enuff said.

Now this new kind of quiz is sweeping facebook :- "How well do you know Nigodee Salma?" and the likes.

And questions like

"what do I pick first in the morning : the toothbrush or the toothpaste",

"How much marks did i get in my 7th class 2nd mid term Social science paper?"

"What's my gmail password?"


With questions like these , people expect you to score a percentage high enough to get a call from IIM Ahemdabad. And if you have scored a shade less than the other runners, which in most cases you do, you have to issue this official apology."I am so sorry..buhuhu..the questions were tuf :((..aage se aisee galti nahee hogi...bhagwaan ke liye mujhe maaf kar do"


Apologize-forgive-apologize routine. I mean where are those good old quizzes which proclaimed you as the new Tom cruise with an IQ over 160 and told you'll be a bloody billionaire with the sense of humor comparable to that of chandler bing's.

And after you do create your own quiz, and when people whom you expect to score high, fail stupendously, it makes you more miserable. Why such Misery?. Last heard facebook was a fun place to be. Ab bhai koi shaadi thode hi kara rahe hai "ladka ladki ek doosre ko jaan le samajh le" quiz.

"Aree saleema tune Zunaid ka quiz bhar diya...bade haseen sawaalat likhe hai usne?"

"Nahee mujh nigody ko waqt kahaan milta hai, din bhar to wo paaji kaamran poke kiya phirta hai, ek aadh sawaal to bata?"

"Aise na bataaungi , pehle tumhe ye batana hoga ki imraan apni maashooka ko dekh kar kitni baar seeti bajata hai..Uff uss harzaai ne apne quiz me pucha hai?"

And so the gossip thickens. Facebook is as synonymous to quizzes as peshawar is to blasts. The time on the clock is 2:26 a.m. and its time to sleepofy. now doing some justice to the title of the post

Similarities between Govinda and Gov of india :-

Both are inflated these days.

Both don't care if your grandmother dies (mai to raste se ja raha tha, bhelpuri kha raha tha, teri naani mari to mai kya karu)

Ta!

P.S. : I'll start replying to the comments from now on. lets c what you have got. :)

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Pyar me cutbacks

Ah! Welcome here, long time isn't it. I was away in the land of Shoot-outs, Shooting studios, Shooters @ olive bar, Slum offshoots: Mumbai. There I was the past one month gauging what makes Mumbai the 'Bombay' we know it to be. But trying to put together one more of those "oh-so-philosophical" posts about the maximum city, is as futile as the process of you pissing in the Mahim creek hoping that your friend(read: bastard) who ditched you to Goa (coz you had to work weeknds) may taste some of 'that' while he is taking a quick dip there. Futile isn't it.

Strange times are these of victorious Bangalorean cricket, rejuvenated 'gandhi'giri, countries celebrating the extinction of tigers, and a Priety zinta who only shakes hands these days (and later the players shake with hand!)... Shall we move on.. hmpfff!
I mean what has 'hello' happened to this 'helloooo'...country. The humor is pathetic 'hello' and not much to write abt...Life is going at a sedate pace and i-pill has surely helped sort out some issues. :P

Not much work at office and chances of working on a weekend are as slim as actually "working" on a weekday. I got a call from some editor who wanted the items of this blog to be pipelined to his magazine, aur "haaye mai to sharam ke maare mar gayee". The write-ups on this blog are as useless as a blind abhinav bindra. Chill maaro yaaro, churana hai churaao, udaana hai udaao, what goes of my father?? hindi me - mere baap ka kya jaata hai.

We launched a new mobile handset which our team had coded this past month, 5 months of hard work and a grand party is in the offing and to those cost cutting hawks who are opposing such lavish expenditure I quote a famous line which has been recently translated from the ancient scriptures:

Verse 3:19 - "Pyaar me koi cutbacks nahee hone chahiye"

Indeed they love us, kyuki u have the authority of spanking the ass of only those few whom u love dearly. Isn’t it? aisa mummy kehti thi.

And there has been this deluge of facebook quizzes off late, "Which 'Jaago grahak jaago' ad character are you?" , "How well do you know Nand kishore Chaubey?" and the likes. And there are ample number of people out there in your friend list who actually want to know as to which 'windows error message' are they. Kudos to them. There are a million chandlers out there, and almost equal number of Harry potters, No wonder facebook is a truly blessed community. Pokes, super-pokes are passé. May be next time a full blooded quiz will be posted here.

Signing off with nothing much to say but for these few words which have proved to be a talisman to me:-

"Apna luck pehen ke chalo"

:)

A Friday after the dryday!

*Post written on Gandhi jayanti*

After wishing a happy b'day to the greatest Ben Kingsley look-alike ever, we hit upon a friday sandwiched between a national and an international holiday. And you ask me whether I have no regard for the father of our nation, and I say, I respect him only when he is excreted from the ATM machine, and yeah last morning(2nd October) when I farted to the morning alarm and slept like a pig, I did thank him.

Each day dragging yourself to that makeshift bus-stop, seeing all those faces; those so called experienced techies, those 26-27 year old deprived virgins with a paunch and a face which explains why?

The freshers who after long last got their joining dates, (they make sure that every single contact on their contact list on orkut/facebook knows the fact and shares the same euphoria) have joined their respective poultry farms, where they will be fed chickenfeed and will be expected to- not just lay golden eggs but donate their legs for the tangdi kabaab on the clients platter. At a later date all of them will be politely culled citing the reason as market flu-ctuation.

They stand there in a bunch decked up in formals, bearing the same glint on their faces, as of their brand new ID cards around their necks. They all look seriously high and agog on the net connection speed, free coffee, and the infrastructure at their respective farms, Wallah!

Then a girl walks by, who has let her hair loose, wet and undone, you think she didn't have enough time but then you look at her carefully done eyeline, and then, you know. As she walks by, paunches get sucked in, people around desperately try to look as if they are oblivious of her presence, and some freshers stare , waiting for her to look back and when she does for a reasonable number of nanoseconds, with their eyes locked up, the ego-battery of the boys begins to charge up (the rate of charging is directly proportional to the hotness of the girl in question), then they look away instantaneously before the girl looks away, triumphant, with their egos charged up, the hair salon waallah might expect a tip the next time around. It's the who-looks-away-first contest and the egos are on the line. Alas it rarely does happen, and we have a sea of ego-low-battery virgins out there, who never get a chance to replenish their ego-pencil-cells.

There are people on the bus stop who carry back packs to office, almost every one of them. And the contents of each bag might reveal the future plans of that particular person. An exotic wordlist or a pale novel (which someone has recommended for enhancing one's vocabulary and comprehension abilities) or a newspaper reporting of blasts and casualties on the streets(dalal/wall street included) or a hurriedly packed lunch box.

While people wait for their respective buses, they watch flashy buses of those MNCs go by, who pay their employees as if there's no tomorrow and then they sigh watching those perfidious bastards, who got lucky, boarding those very buses. Gratefully I am one of those perfidious bastards. :D

Btw here are some of the facebook status msgs I flashed recently:-

1. Oktoberfest on! No wonder the markets around the world are beer-ish.

2.Hump-ty Dump-ty Shat on the wall (street),
Dow and the NIFTY had a great fall!
All the FED's resources and all the congressmen,
couldn't put together $700 billion!

3. To err is leh-man and to forgive is fed!!

4. Does your 'split-personality' has another profile? Does he visit your space here?

This is the beginning!

It has been 3 weeks since I joined this place, and I must say, the workload is weighing down on me. Good lord, shooting a million juicy forwards (the "be very careful before opening" types, which you inspect when everybody thinks everybody around has gone for lunch, and they all watch it :P) to my kameene dost from my gmail inbox, Checking all those zindadil people's orkut photo albums every five minutes (bole to ekdum fasst. orkut updates se bhi pehle) , the kind of dudes and dudiyaas whose response to any problem or even a minor glitch in their smooth course of life is "Iski M@@ ki". Freaking out on weekends is a mandatory task which ought to be performed by every other member of the clan, strictly.

"Aree o saleema maine suna hai iss itwaar ki shaam tune 'freak out' nahee kiya! haaye allaah tune sacchee me nahee kiya?!" (Looks in horror)

"Haaye kya bataau !! iss nigodey Anwar ne mujhe dhoka de diya, naaspeeta ain wakt pe farzana ke saath nikal liya"

"Arey farzaana nahee, wo to farzaan ke saath nikla tha??"

"Hawww! matlab wo 'jaanu i miss u', 'i luv u' ke SMS wo bheja karta....." (looks in horror)

Well not exactly!! But they do what they do best and then post the saboot on their orkut albums and then they lock it. (Damn!). Anti-social networking, I say.

*Pause: this blogger pauses to try random JavaScript codes to unlock a potential juicy album*

Yeah Nowadays I am as free as the steel ka chamcha(spoon) that comes free with the brooke-bond chai-patti ka packet. Jhalli. Wait a minute, wasn't this true for last full one year. In my entire stint in my previous company, I just worked on one weekend, that too barely for five hours. The security guard at the gate would have coded more lines than yours truly. And in addition to that, I had stayed late in the office (till 9:30 pm) a total of 4 occasions, considering an average techie here, carries a kachhua chaap mosquito coil with him to the office each day and has a social life comparable to that of Osama bin laden.

3-4 years in the IT services industry leaves a college ka stud boy with a sex appeal of shibu soren and IQ of a masala dosa. All those techie bhaailogs reading this would agree. And expecting an onsite opportunity (Videsh jaane ka chance) in the very first year of your employment makes you look as innocent as Parthiv patel's paaltu khargosh.

And all these reasons coaxed me to switch locations where I would be earning more money to do the same job, checking scraps and exchanging notes on gtalk with friends/blog readers/editors/bots/gtalk_help.

And yeah meanwhile this happened...








Life’s relatively good, as good as being a ball boy in a Kournikova-Sharapova tennis match with salma hayek as the chair umpire, as good as watching India win three medals at the Olympics in our lifetime like the sight of halley’s comet. Life is smiling but then there are dreams, dreams to make it big. When, where and how big. The chronicle will always be at your disposal by the name :- Garambhejafry. :) and yeah this could well be the beginning.

Heppi frendsheep day!

In future :-

"Aur bhai, sharma ji, Friendship day mubaarak ho!!"

"Ahha ! Aapko bhi bahut bahut mubaarak ho.. yaar hum kaafi der se aapka number try kar rahe the, friendship day ki shubhkaamna dene ke liye, busy aa raha tha jab se"

"Haanji kya bataau ab parv-tyohaar waale din to phone busy hi rehta hai, he he he"

"Aur bataaiye bhabhiji kaha hai, kya pakwaan ban rahe hai aaj?"

"Bhabhi ji baccho ko naye kapde dilaane le gayee hai...aur pakwaan ka kya hai, wahee gujiya aur dahee badey bane hai aaj"

"Haan yaar bhabhi ji se yaad aaya, humaari kaamwaali baai bhi nayee saaree maang rahee hai, friendship day naa ho gaya diwali ho gayee"

"Ye hai hi itna paawan din, aur haan shaam ko humne ghar par ek choti see pooja rakhi hai, Mrs aur baccho ko leke aaiyega"

"Jarur jarur..thoda ghar ke whitewash ka kaam bacha hai wo nipta ke pahuchenge"..



Scene 2 :

"hello..hello Aunty Tina ghar par hai !!"

"kaun??"

"Jee mai uska classmate Ramesh bol raha hu..aunty mujhe tina ko 'haippee fraandship day' wish karna tha"

"Accha achaa tum wahee ramesh ho jisne last year bhi friendship day ke din phone kiya tha?"

"haan aunty mai wahee (Abhaga) ramesh hoon"

"Beta lagta hai iss ek saal me tum kuch khaas progress nahee kar paaye, abhi tak sirf friendship ke liye hi fight maar rahe ho"

"Haan aunty *sighs* beech me Valentine's day bhi nikal gaya, lekin afsos"

"Dhyaan se beta, Raakhi bhi paas hi hai..kahee kuch apshagun naa ho jaaye"

"jarur jarur"


Haippee Fraandsheep day to aal of you barring a few (arey kyuki Valentine's day ka bhi tyohaar aane waala hai). Friendship day is the foundation for the house, to be built ,whose housewarming is scheduled six months later on the valentine's day and subsequent "hum 2 se 3 ho gaye moment" 9 months later on the children's day.

The irony is, your best of friends will never call you or message you on this day except for those assholes who vanished from your social radar completely after college. And then on one fine friendship day they suddenly blip on your cell phone's inbox. if suppose you call them up (condition holds only if the long lost friend is remotely feminine) and ask their whereabouts they take a deep breath and say "Ab kya bataau yaar.....maar rakhi hai". Those "work life imbalance crybabies".

Anyways, the concept of this very day - which the movie "kuch kuch hota hai" gave birth in to the minds of the youth (opportunist cum frustrated baayez)- gives every frustoo like moi a chance to break the ice-berg between any closest good looking object of the opposite sex and similar orientation. And as they say in the west "Happy friendship day, your place or mine?". Hum to phir bhi bahut peeche hai.

Aur ab humaari baari, I have settled down at my place of work. Free diet coke and sprite fountain at work certainly helps, throw in some dime-less cappuccino and i love this place. For kicks i am working on an application which is gonna replace the T9 dictionary you have in your phones (ab pucho ki ye T9 kya hai..message karne time kaam aata hai).

And yeah i have youtube running on my office PC and so blogging takes a back seat and safely makes love with my CAT preps (which is also on the back seat by the way) while the chauffeur (meri naukri) drives them through. But i am sure if i devote the amount of time that Salman khan takes to read "Ab hum khelenge dus ka dam", i may crack something.

In a relatively high paying job like this(and i repeat - relatively), the employer as well as the employee, both pay a price. :) The employer takes care of my pay-cheque and i take care of the "Time cheque" -which i issue to my employer ( its the number of minutes of my day time which i fill in the cheques with, to "pay the price".)

In future, the seniors say, i may have to issue blank cheques as well to my employers, you know what i mean. and they'll say you are learning.Hmpff.

"Ab kya bataau yaar.....maar rakhi hai" ;)

Lets hope the honeymoon period i am enjoying currently with my employer, continues at least till the next Valentine's day, so that i can outsmart Ramesh once again. *wink wink wink....*

I have quit!

Yes, i have shifted loyalties. My current employer has treated me well enough to coax me to look for greener pastures. (reaching where i'll look for (more) greener pastures). This is what i call the "Mad cow disease". You always look for greener pastures to graze on (and drop your load) and then later ruminate or may be "rue"-minate. The blogging hiatus was the immediate manifestation. And not to mention my manager and this blog suffered equally. Lekin kya kare ab to chidiya udd gayee!

I'll keep this post short and sweet ( that's how i used to describe my ex *sigh*).

***MATURE CONTENT***

Some days back one of my moronic friends sent me a text which read like "Porno spoofs on hollywood blockbusters :-

" 1. Saving private ryan -> 'Shaving private ryan' or 'shaving ryan's privates'.

2. You've got mail -> You've got male...genitalia.
"

The moron inside me got inspired.... and i replied him back with an array or should i say a festival of movie names.

3. The fantastic four :- The fantastic whore.

4. Ex-men. (A movie on transvestites).

5. 300 -> Three (hundred) some.

6. Lord of the g-strings.

7. Hairy Daughter and the neighborhood bastard. (harry potter waali koi bhi movie)

8. A beautiful mind -> A beautiful behind.

9. When Harry mate(s) sally.

Lets c how many you can add to the list.... kripya offendiaaye nahee!!

And i promise to post a big one here once i am done with my joining formalities and guess what i got a 150% hike. ;)

Calm-sutra!

Starting with an absolute cliché' which goes like- I am back. And guess what was the reason for my absence - IPL - yeah you guessed it right - "Inevitable perennial Laziness".

My life nowadays is as calm as the calm (kaam) waali baai who hasn't been paid for the last 2 months. Yeah it has been chaotic. Just the other day when I put up a status msg on gtalk which read like "Everybody is gonna die with their orkut passwords!!". Ek jarurat se jyada bichhda hua dost pinged me and said "bhaai tu ek post likh de ab!!. Tera frustration door ho jaayega" and so here I am ranting like any other "work-life" balance ke maare bhaailog. Work is as hectic as looking for antonyms of the word 'hectic'. But then as always I adhere to the mantra (calm-sutra) given to me by the visionary ascetic, Baba ramdev masala! :- "Chill maar watsa!!". And since then aisee pratha chali aa rahee hai.

After a day's work when I step inside my room, mera roomie (another techie & sardar) gets ecstatic and says "Oye paappe! aaj to Sehwag bangalore ki M** ***** raha hai. * insert cackle*".

The noise inside the room is like, as if 6 punju aunties discussing jewelry and their in laws inside a Maruti 800 and you are the driver. (Reader: Oye 6 punju auntiyo ko maruti me ghusa diya to tu kahaan baithega?? )

Arey miya hum koi anti kirket sangathan ke sadasya/member nahee hai, phir bhi yaar roz roz wahee chauke and chhakke and kuch chakke(banaglore waale? :p). Ab to cheerleaders ko bhi kapde pehna diye. hadd ho gayee!

And yeah I confess I went for the inaugural match at the Chinnaswamy stadium here in bangalore. haan munna asli isshtadium me!!. All of us were really pumped up. I had called my duur ke jaunpur waale chacha and kanpur ki mausi too as to "TV pe dekhte rehna , palak bhi jhapakne naa paaye, aaj hum TV me aayenge". I had enuf arsenal to lure the camerawaalahs into grabbing a shot or two. The match was between KKR and the Royal challengers.

We were supporting our namma Bangalooru team, but eventually our loyalities/gaze/binoculars shifted to the real leaders (lead india campaign kyu nahee khoj paya inhe!), yep the cheer-leaders.

I had prepared banners which read like :-

1) Pack 'em Knight Riders to their 'Home shanty Home'.

2) His name is Royal Dravid.

3) Its a no fly-zone over the stadium when dada is playin', coz he might knock down a few.

4) Commit all your crimes while Dravid is batting, coz even the god has slept waiting for him to score. {Haan bhai ye wala banner nahee le gaya tha, Ikbaaliya zurm}

5) Thank you Set Max :D. {Achook ilaaz TV pe naa aane ki bimaari ka}

6) Ask the cheerleaders "kya aap paanchvi pass se tez hai?"

Yeah as you can see, I had banners for all the possible outcomes. But still my 15 nanoseconds of fame on the idiot box never materialized, thanks to Brendon McCullum and his 13 sixes and the other 11. (phir se wahee joke maara).

Kuch snippets of news (aise hi post ko lamba karne ke liye *hew hew*) :- (GBF reporter is on a vacation)

1) As you know Salman is hosting a show named "10 ka dum" where he promises to pay 10 crores for answering 5 questions, where every question will be based on some random "PyerSentayhge" (Shirt utaari, ab accent ki utaarunga). When you see the promos of the show which are on air, you wish the director to be lynched by a Bihari mob.

2) Ness wadia, the co-owner of the Punjab Kings XI was reportedly happy when his team was mauled by the Mumbai Indians, as none of the players got a chance to get cozy with his fiancée, when on a day they post a victory, even the curator of the pitch makes it a point not to disappoint Preity and let her clasp him tight.

3) Harbhajan Singh, the slappy-happy sardar, has been denied entry into the "Gelf" countries, for obvious reasons.

4) The reported absence of VVS Laxman and the Previous laxman (Laxman Sivaramakrishnan :- the pitch reporter) from IPL is bothering nobody, may be coz I have written it here you would realize the fact.
4.1) The pre match analysis is nowadays hosted by the kind of boys you find in a toothpaste commercial, desperately trying not to look dumb on camera.
4.2) During the post match presentation ceremony most of the Indian/Pakistani players use the age old adage often uttered by the legendary Mohammad bin azharuddin, "baayez(boys) have played well !!"

chalo dudes and dudiyaas! it's time to say buy buy! And do remember the calm-sutra or the formula to remain calm: - “Chill maar watsa”.

Holi Hai..err thi!!

"Pehchaan kaun!!"

I don't know what this post is gonna be about, I even don't know what words I am gonna throw up in the very next sentence. It might happen that these lines may never get posted but I have this congenital attitude which can be best described in 3 1/2 words-

"Hata saawan ki ghata"

( 3 1/2 words me aur bhi kaafi saari feelings express ki jaa sakti hai. SyMonks err Symonds ko pata hai)..Bhai bade din ho gaye keyboard par ungliyo ko dance karaaye. So here goes my new (financial) year resolution, Every Sunday this space is gonna be updated with anything that crosses my mind. Oops "Anything 'crossed' with my Mind"= 'Taare zameen par protagonist'.

All those people who understood the pun in the previous sentence and smiled, thank you very much!! You do belong to the 'taare zameen par' category, coz even I don't have any damn clue what that equation is supposed to mean. hehe. Never mind Yeah you’ve guessed it right. I was high on Bhaang this holi and the 'Bhang-over' hasn't died down yet.

(Pause for a bit of self appreciation: Hmmm good word that "Bhangover")

Holi was fun. The fact that there's no KNS (Karnataka navnirman sena/sadists) here in Bangalore, we celebrated holi peacefully (?). Reluctant friends were dragged/pulled out of their beds/toilets/cupboards/commodes and were tied and generously dyed pitch black. Add a coating of export quality mud. Some of them decided to voice their reluctance when they were face massaged; alas those guys were rightfully rendered with their teeth bearing the same color as their gums. Lot of fingering made this possible.(:O)

We all looked like distant cousins of Vinod kambli after a kabaddi match.

As we were roaming the streets, a sissy riding pillion on a random bike, all decked up, not a speck of color on his face, whizzed past us and as he did, he squeaked "Holi hai!!” I shouted out mocking disbelief "Holi??? aisaa kyaa? ohh shitt!!! aaj to holi hai! pata hi nahee chala" then a barrage of refined hand-picked expletives thickened the air. On the day of holi, moving about as if it’s the diwali day is an outright sin. Holi is the festival when the 'colored' people are the celebrated ones. Are u listening uncle sam!.

And time for some Holi snippets that make it what it is:-

• "Rang barse / holi khele raghubeera.." playing for the 78th time,
  
• Having a large helping of Gulaal as your breakfast,
• Buckets of water splashed around with the miserly owner just emptying a single sachet of color into it,
• The thrill of kiddos to color those grumpy uncles who acted as pure bitches (read your boss) the whole year by not returning the cricket balls that were hit into their lawns/balconies/porches,
• Bald uncles cackling loudly , high on bhang/daaru,
• Irritating little morons hurling water balloons right at your face and scurrying off clutching their cheap water pistols,
• Newbie and hence excited junior newsreaders made to read the news on 24X7 news channels while the senior news readers/journalists have a blast at their respective homes/holi parties,

The grand bath where the operation discoloration takes place, with ideas ranging from-

1. Spending the afternoon inside the washing machine holding a 2 Kg surf excel ka packet ,
2. To allow your house maid/kaamwaali to clean you up coz she is universally renowned for discoloring the fabrics she washes. Bhai tagda record hai uska. Hai ki nahee.
3. Chupchaap Saabun lagaao aur kya!! Aur Kitne tareeke chahiye bey.

Phewhh!! ab aapki baari Howaz your holi, and what's your new financial year's resolution! Bataao India/overseas bataao!

Ye hai meri kahani!

Helloooz!! This morning when I was waiting for the company bus at the bus stop, I saw a kid in his school uniform, holding on to an NCERT history textbook mugging up some historical dates (one smartass reader : "Ab geographical dates kya hoti hai be?") scribbled on the back of his book. Exam season hai bhai! i thought. When i looked closely I could read one of the side headings as "When was the last time Garmabhejafry posted something on his blog?". I swallowed a lump in my throat. And when i read the answer I swallowed not just a lump, but a lamp-post. The date was 11th march. *Ahem Ahem* The kiddo was no ishaan awasthi aur hum bhi koi aamir khan nahee.. So we two mutually and silently agreed to leave each other at their own fate.

While the kid was busy with history I was more interested in the surrounding geography. There were some giggly HR girls huddled up nearby, wearing lipstick with enough wax to suffice for waxing off two Jacky shroffs and three anil kapoors. They were probably discussing strategies to make the life of us techies more miserable. (Any HR girls reading this blog by any chance, do add me on gtalk *hew hew* we can settle our issues there *ahem* in private)

And there were a few uptight men, wearing collared t shirts neatly tucked into their starched blue jeans, sucking their paunches in as an evasive action to even a whiff of femininity around. Needless to say they were fellow techies, wearing assorted ID's around their necks belonging to respective dollar hIT companies. Each one of them nourishes a dream inside, of that fateful day when they get a chance to leave shores or may be flaunt their scores (CAT waale). Brownish newspapers rolled under their armpits, cheap and thus heavy laptops taking a toll on their shoulders, manager's (f)ire in their belly and the traffic which moves slower than a parking lot, to boot. Add the daemons of variable pay haunting them each month-end, which they feel is anyday better than the slim pay slip growing to the 'pink' of its health. No wonder more than 2/3rds of the resignation letters are drafted on the back of payslips. And such is the irony that the word they fear the most is: - 'release', an oxymoron in itself. (‘Code release’ for the uninitiated, ab is information ne tere andar kya kya initiate kiya wo apun ko nahee pata.)

Finally the bus did arrive, only to get coagulated in the viscous sea of vehicles a few paces ahead. (Reader: Oye, Raat ko Rapidex ke upar sir rakh ke sota hai kya aajkal ). Nahee bhaailogz and behenjeez, English ke paapi bichhuye ne humey humaari client ki meherbaani se kaata hai, aur hum bhi kaam ke maare ho gaye hai. Garambhejafry sadly needs a 2-3 weeks stint inside a Microwave oven. And like everybody else, i am preparing for CAT.

Recently one of my friends asked me "So howz the prep coming along??". I shrugged it off with a statement which went like.
"My Astrologer is taking care of my Verbal Ability section while i prepare for the other two"

Agli baar 'types of lovers' pesh karunga GBF dissection ka label lagaa ke. Maal tayyar hai, serve karne ko 'time' ke bartan nahee hai. :) Aur haan ek achee khabar. ek aur article publish ho gaya humaara. Paisa bhi mila, which i'll share with only those HR girls who'll share there Gtalk ids with me. Human resourcing your see. :)

Humraa Article JAM magazine waalo ki duaa se

Space bar!

Happy birthday to all *hic* ....or was it the new year!! .Hang *stayed* over. Someone asked me how merry was your Christmas, I replied ki "Yaar jitni merry Christmas utni teri bhi Christmas". Equality u see.

On the christmas eve my jarurat se bhi jyada techie friend came back from office with a release-date-near-hai-bhai look on his face. He crash landed on the chair and was about to relieve him of his shoes. Just as he was about to untie his shoelaces he looked up, raised his eyebrows, and I got the hint ( May day! May day!) and I pulled the quilt over my head in a flash. We don't buy All-out and other mosquito repellents for obvious reasons.

He peeled the soggy socks of his calf and then gagged his shoes with them. God help those shoes. And before anybody could figure it out he hung those very socks anticipating Hohoho Santa to stuff his WMD (Without months of Dhulaai/Weapons of mass destruction) socks with I-phones and pen-drives filled with porn. In the morning instead of the gifts, we found two assorted Santas lying unconscious on the floor of our apartment, probably asphyxiated. Sad!

Events as strange and as rare as road rollers performing wheelies and double century Indian opening stands in Strayya (Australia) - dotted the week going into the new year's eve.

On the Boxing night (26th dec) i was tapping away keys in my cubicle to put together a piece of code that could perform some kind of desired Sh**t. When I was done, it was already 7:50 pm. The buses were scheduled to depart at 8:30, and so I had some 40 minutes to test the code. It takes nearly 20 minutes to test the code as the servers are situated in Canada. And so 22 long drawn yawns later, to my utter shock I found the test results negative.

"Iski param pujya maataji ki…" I exclaimed.

The time was 8:15. Another 15 minutes left. Absolutely no time for parsing through the code and let the 'Kannada' client machine negotiate with the 'Canada server' for a green test result. Wo kya bolte hai angrezi me "pissed off". I decided to stay on and complete the job and the give the bus a miss, (Are u reading boss?). With a hurt ego well communicated by that beeped stress buster I rummaged through the code and good lord what did I find?? I forgot to insert a space between two keywords in the code snippet, and that caused the test to do an "Ishaan awasthi" (prior to aamir's entry).

I tested it again and 'Bingo!' The test ki murgi 'lays' a green egg. Sadly the time was 8:50 and all the buses had ‘left at the right’ time.

(Un)Luckily My team mate had also stayed back trying to learn Portuguese by reading the photo-captions of tanned brazillian ladies on orkut. Skill set addition he says.

He’s a compulsive biker and he offered me a hitch hike to my PG not before making me learn a few Portuguese phrases well illustrated with adjoining pics. He calls it a pictionary.

On a night which was as black as godrej ki kaali mehendi, two guys were burning rubber on the Hosur road ( A parking lot that leads to my home on my way back from office!).
He was riding the bike and I was weathering the chilling wind perched on the pillion seat, hero heeralal style. We were accompanied by a senior team-mate who was on his enfield.

Just as we were halfway through, an eicher van (mini lorry) hit us from behind at a speed which will make Narayen karthikeyan look like a non-‘racist’. We were badly hit. I was tossed in the air and by the time I could shout out any expletives I found myself rolling on the road with the headlights of the incoming vehicles blinding me. My cellphone aah! That was the last I saw of it.

All my notes, all ad scripts which I stored, short stories, ideas, post themes and what not (bhaai poore 2 litre ki bottle thi creative juice se bhari huyee, jo maine apne cellphone ke fridge me rakhi thi) , shattered to bits and bytes right before my eyes. *sigh*

(readers se kripya namra nivedan hai (polite request) ki mere cellphone ki durghatna me mrityu par 5 second ka maun vrat rakhe (observe a silence for 5 seconds). Wo cellphone jisne iss blog ko 80 posts diye hai. *sniff*)

After I rolled on the road nearly 10-15 times I got up immediately to save whatever bone, skin and flesh I was left with, from the incoming vehicles. My shirt was in tatters, if it hadn’t been for the fresh bruises and gashes peeping out of the tore portions, I could have stood a chance to gather some chawannis and atthannies.

I looked around for my friend.

Then what I saw froze my blood. Our bike was being dragged by that lorry on the road for nearly 100mts. I couldn’t see my friend. Then he emerged from the ruins on his feet. He was looking absolutely dazed. He was accompanying the bike for the 1st 10 mts and then he was thrown aside. I shouted at him "Any Head injuries??". Silence. He was staring into the oblivion. He replied after a pause "No!".

But I had sustained one. I was trying to concentrate on every minute detail I could, in my vicinity so that I shouldn’t pass out. These head injuries are like ticking time bombs. And I HAD some unlucky friends.

We were rushed to the hospital immediately. I could still walk. None of my bones and joints betrayed me. People who were a witness to the accident, said they thought it was all over. Such was the veracity.
The doctors there at the hospital reassured me that the head injury wasn’t that grave I believed it to be. No scans were needed they said. I called the senior doctor "Aap bataao uncle! Ye fresher doctor colg me kitni padhaai karte hai mere ko pata hai..". He reassured me with a quick check up and a smile "Don’t worry!!"

And the bheja is still garam!! :) Come to think of it it all happened coz of a SPACE missed.

P.S. : My friend is recuperating at his home. He was discharged from the hospital 4 days later.
P.P.S.: And I am posting this piece from my office, iska matlab apun changa hai.

Time Pass!!

These are some of the status msgs i wrote for my gtalk IM in the past few months. No copyright issues, feel free to churaa-ing them, if you think they are worth. Imagine these lines below your name on your Gtalk main window.

# 'Backspace' is the only key which reminds you that you can come up with something better, but keys conspire , mediocrity is what they desire and hence this status msg.

# What do u call a harry potter 'spell' which goes wrong??

Ans: A Typo

# Why is 'HIMESH' correct instead of 'himesh'?

Ans: HIMESH is with caps on.

# 'Donut' worry Be-er happy!!

# All those people here with solid red dots against their names, Are you really busy?? come join the "Green revolution".

# Your Boss is like your toothbrush, he interacts with you for 5 minutes in the morning, doesn't let you speak in the meantime, sugar coated he is and you grit your teeth while he brushes you
up!!

# (Not) Drinking is strictly prohibited in Pub-lic (Pub-like) places. :P

# Har aadmi ke hote hai do mouth, ek to hota hai north aur ek uske south!!

# If my status msgs annoy you then let me tell you, i enjoy a 'status' here and i have got a 'msg'(%$#%@) for you.

# Jab we MATE!!

# Show the current music track-- dikha raha hu bhai..pappu chauraahe se daud ke cassette to le aa!!

# Ba Ba Black *Beep* !! :P { when i put up my profile pic with a mean look, clad in a black shirt:p}


# Up, Up and Awayyy!! {usually my status msg when i am away}

# Blah-sphemy! {self explanatory word}

# Friday owes its charm to a sweaty Monday morning!

# Don't drink and derive, you might crash into some premature conclusions!!

# Yahoo messenger zindabaad!! :P {aiwaiii :D }

# Be a patriot, Spend your new year's eve with Doordarshan, do tell me how it was :p !!

# A 'traitor' translates to a 'cosmopolitan' when you look up a euphemist's dictionary!!

# This person tried hard to put up a real smart-ass status msg but terribly failed to do so.

# Virginity is like your blog readers, eventually you gonna lose them.

Phewhh!! and heyy!! A very yappy new year to all!! :)

Ek Chawanni chaap post!!

With a spate of "Mujhe-Angrezee-aati-hai" certificate type posts being posted on Garam bheja fry off late, I yumm back with an original chawanni chhaap post. This is the kind of blog-post reading which- ghar ki bahu-betiyaa laaj ke maare chew their chunnies/pallu to discoloration, the school going naauty buoys wait for their parents to doze off at nights before they read the post with one hand on the mouse and the other hand on their .......mouths of course,(tu kya socha!!) to nullify the noise of their giggle, and the office going junta to bechaari padh hi nahee paayegi, with content more mature than A.K. Hangal (I thought of writing A. Dumbledore here in place of hangal , lekin phir socha log kya kahen'gay' :P) , this post is sure to be blocked by the fire"walls and windows" of those damn network-security waalahs .

So here I present before you the recent referrers list, the links 'those' guys followed to reach Garambhejafry... (Disclaimer : Mature content...Chunnu-munnu dhyaan se padhna, kahee papa naa pakad le..aur agar pakad le to rona mat…kyuki papa bhi kabhi chunnu tha !!)

How enlightening is this to know that my blog caters to the fantasies of those kind hearted readers who are as innocent as parthiv patel’s paaltu khargosh. Bechaare log doesn’t know Garam bheja fry offers stuff as raunchy as the details of Bappi lahiri and romesh powar making out in public..(ewwww waala tha naa!! oops I have few readers in kolkata as well). I hope they weren’t offended by the “jarurat se jyada mature content” of the previous sentence.

Mallu aunty vs. Punjabi aunty :- The nationwide fan following of the Punjabi aunties vs. the “mere piyaa gaye middal yeast, and my neighbor is a raunchy beast” type mallu aunties who love wonly their banana chipzz and get fat to the voyeur pleasure of the GJs(Google Jockies). The battle continues for the “Google keyword queen” title.

The gentleman diving deep into the 'www' in search of the perfect “Fat aunty maal” must have had few expletives reserved for this blog’s author when they would have accidentally clicked on to the link leading them to this page of Garam bheja fry.

Kasam tushaar kapur ke smile ki ye kaun banda hai bhaai, “Delhi Bangalore rajdhani dinner time” Apun bhi ghar jaa raha hai..aur isi train se… isse jarurat mulakaat hogi wo bhi dinner time re..

(Attention: Passengers who belong to the F-16 to F-22 category on the reservation chart ; traveling on the 1st of nov from bangy to New delhi , need not worry about the confirmation of their berths)

And the brats of the cyber dharti who are sweating it out to find the “Naalayak betis” of this world who they think are vulnerable enough to be coaxed in to sitting on one of the corner seats of the empty theaters running RGV movies; this is not the right place/link dude coz I am looking for one such naalayak beti myself. :p (papa agar aapne ye padha hai to aap to jaante ho ki jhooth bolne ki meri bachpan se hobby rahee hai!!)

Junta this was one chaaloo post before I leave for my home ground. India Pakistan series coming up so I hope the frustoo junta out their will look out for those cricket playing uncles(ganguly, Sachin etc) than the fat aunties of this world. And that applies to moi as well. Adios!!

I have added a form above, whosoever wants to flood the mailboxes of their boss’, Professor’s, Teacher’s ex-BF, ex-GF , doodhwala, paperwaala (sorry agar tu khud hi paperwaala hai to :p) , maali , driver; then you can type in the e-mail address and “hit” the subscribe button to receive any new post I puke out here. Home delivery ho jaayegi!! :)

Tag ka agla bhaag!!

Finally, these days when I reach home after spending a day facing some fierce competition from my fellow trainees in the hallowed environs of pocket tanks, minesweeper and the likes, I find a stable internet conn at home. Arey bhai kareeb 150 gram khoon jala hai iss mardood internet conn ke peeche.. Mera ISP “dulhe miyaa…” B*%$#.(tata indicom) itna mast tha kuch din pehle tak ki raat ko gmail par sign in kar ke so jaao subah tak inbox khul jaata thaa. The condition has improved a bit and ergo blogging shuru… :)


Ye raha Tag ka agla bhaag… abhi tak kyaa hua ye jaan ne ke liye padhe Raj comics ka naveentam digest http://garambhejafry.blogspot.com/2007/08/ee-kaa-hai-babuaa.html

9. Last person who made you cry ?

Rahul dravid , with his innings in which he scored 12 runs of 16 overs in the pichhla test match. Kehte hain series jeetna pakka kar rahe the… arey bhaai kabhi suna hai Truck ke driver ko kutte ne kaat liya… The chances of England winning the test match were as bright as “buddhaa mar gaya” winning the Oscars.

10. What is your favorite perfume / cologne ?

Ek hi hai bhaai… bhikhaari se puchhte ho ki favorite katoraa kaun saa hai??... kulhaadi maarta hu roz apni gardan par (AXE iiphect)… naa to mai marta hu naa hi ‘ladkiyaa marti’ hai (mujhpe)..( oye taali bazaao re pun maara maine!!)

11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex ?

The first and foremost condition is that these assets should be intact in the opposite waale sex ki ladki (:P). As my name is abhishek a green eyed girl will do just fine.:)
Arey contact lens ki chaddi pehen ke har ‘naked eye’ rangili ho jaati hain. Dikhaawo pe naa jaao, pehle apni shakal chamkaao.
Aur yaar hair to grey nahee hone chahiye ladki ke. kam se kam godrej hair dye ke paise to bachenge mere.

12. What are you listening to ?

‘What goes around comes around’ by timbaland. Oye angrezi reader apni raised eyebrows ko rest de aur unko dharti par laa. Hum bhi angrezee gaane suntaa hoon. :D Waise gaana mast hai lekin gaane ka matlab mujhe utna hi pataa hai jitna tere ko mere agle post ke contents. :P

Maine pehle bhi kaha tha. I yumm just a Rampur ka duryodhan in bengalooru.

13. Do you get scared of the dark ?

Haa bhaai haan!! The few ghosts who read this blog please meri mazboori ka faayeda naa uthaana. The puraani haveli dwellers, historical figures up the peepal ka ped and the plush bhoots camping in the Ram gopal verma camp spare this innocent S/W-trainee soul.

14. Do you like pain killers ?

Yeah I so love them!! Raat ke khaane ke baad agar plate me ek-do pain killer naa ho to khaane ka mazaa nahee aata!! Kyu Sharma ji!!

Pain killer hai jalebiyaan thode hi hain!! Imagine your mum saying

“beta aaj maine pain killers ki sabji banaayee hai….tujhe pasand hai naa isiliye!!”

“Arey waah maa!! To phir raayeta Vicks-action-500 kaa hi banana aur agar crocin kii chutney mil jaaye to kyaa kehne”

Pain ko Chill (kill) maar yaar!!

15. Are you too shy to ask someone out ?

Aaye haaye..T-shirt ki sleeve muh me dabaa li sharam ke maare!! Oye mere Shy-ni ahuja mai inna shy bhi nahee bhaai… sharam ko mai painkillers ki sabji ke saath hi bachpan me khaa gaya tha.. haan lekin kisi ladke ko “asking out” karne me vaddi sharam aati hai jee, you know naa!! * coyily looks at his bitten nails *

16 . If you could eat anything right now , what would it be ?

Ras-malaai..bhott sahee lagti hai mainu!! Inni saari plates khaate ho..kabhi kuchh daan dharam bhi kar jaao..

17. Who was the last person you made mad ?

18th question ka answer!!

18. Is anyone in love with you ?

17th question ka answer.!! :)

Padh lo bhaiya badey dino baad!!

Hi guys , bulls and bacchdaas(calves) how have u all been?? Haan bhaai haaa!!! Meri part-time job Gumshuda talaash Kendra me lag gayee thi…apne saare gunaaho ka ikbaaliya-jurm kabool karta hu. Last one month I was as bizee as the hutch ka network on friendship day. A transformation of a bhola bhaala technically apaahij naujwaan to a Gheek with better coding skills than mulayam singh yaadav, took place. I know my sense of humour has suffered in the past 1 month and is still ‘suffer’ing in indore-bhopal passenger. Pyaare readers bear with me.

Last one month was spent in playing pocket tanks and sweeping mines and ironically I was paid for it. Then happened the assessment exams and I managed a modest assi pratishat (eighty percent for the ‘devnaagiri’li challenged) in an exam where 300 out of the 450 trainees uttered a thick maa ki gaali after seeing their results. ‘ and then we drank happily ever after. (mere ko to pepsi pee ke bhi chadh jaati hai).

Now lemme complete a long due tag :

I was tagged by Aparna in 27 B.C. (bahut puraani baat hai) and I am yet to complete the tag and so today in 2007 A.D. me ye tag poora hoga. Khoob saare kweschann aur unke jawaab.

1. Pick out a scar you have , and explain how you got it .

Mera jism koi s'car' parking lot nahee hai jii. Lekin mental scars ke baare me mat pooch zaalim. My school report cards acted as a raampuri chakku on my naazuk mental state.

My teacher used to tell me :

“Teri answer sheet to toilet paper se bhi jyaada safed rehti hai, RIN supreme se dhota hai kya”

“Nahee sir mai to haath se dhota hu, aap????”

2. What does your phone look like ?

My phone looks like raveena tendon.

Are bhaai phone hai girl friend thode hi hai. Jab poocha hai to le bhaai , My cellphone is the rajesh khanna of all phones…apne jawaani ke aakhiri din gin raha bilack Nokia 6600, ab iska price bhi itna hi hai…Rs 6600..it is as black as kaala kauwa. (Or was it Kauwaa kaaaalaa!!! In the godrej hair dye ad).

3.What is on the walls of your bedroom ?

Nerolac Nerolac!! & A life size collage of pics of kimi kaatkar and Deepak tizori in compromising positions… (kuchh jyaada hi compromise karaa diya kya?)

Miyaa hum saif ali khan nahee ki deewar par guitar chipkaaye..

Deewar se yaad aaya... ek baar mera dost kisi ladki se link kar ke mujhe chidhaa raha tha…incidentally he is also a tagdaa minister of external ‘affairs’..

“kyu beta kal shaam ko flat screen laptop (slangcheck: a plain jane) leke kaha ghoom raha tha”

“Beta jinke ghar sheeshe ke ho unki deewaro par susu nahee kiyaa karte !! “

“Wo kyu” innocently he asks

“Abey behsharami ke putle, kaanch ki deewaro par susu karega to doosri side se sab dekh lenge, isiliye dhyaan se bacchoo tere kaale kaarnaamo ka pdf document maine bit-torrent se 2 raato me dwnld kiyaa tha”

4. What is your current desktop picture ?

Current desktop par mayawati ki photo hai. Uske aas paas kopche me bipasha aur katreena chopra baith ke ludo khel rahee hai.

Waise sachee bataau to windows ka default maidaan lagaa rakhaa hai. Kya pata kab browse karte karte jarurat pad jaaye… :P

5. Do you believe in gay marriage ?

Oiii maa!! Aise personal kweshchann naa pooch t-shirt ki sleeve daanto se dabaa li hai maine..!!

arey bhaai jab miyaa-beeve.. err miyaa - miyaa raazi to kya karega kaaji!! And baabuji and maaji.

6. What do you want more than anything right now ?

Post this piece…it has been a month since I posted anything substantial on my blog. Mera hit-counter jpeg image lag raha hai..kayee dino se ek jaisaa hi hai!!

7 . What time were you born ?

I was born on a cold December morning on the 13^th ( doctor ne kaanpte haatho se evil bacche ko nikaala tha). Samay teen baj ke paintaalis minute. Ye to meri mummy ne bataaya… time dekhna to mere ko 5^th class tak nahee aaya tha.

8. Are your parents still together ?

Arey bhaai mai brad pitt aur angelina jolie ki aulaad thode hi hoon bhaai… bharat desh ki ek middal class family ka waris ka product hoon.

My parents are always together in launching a verbal assault on your’s truly. Buhuhuhu!! (baankelaal aise hi rota tha!!)

Aage kya hua jaan ne ke liye padhiye agla post…jald hi aapke najdeeki cinemagharo me…

Update: “Chak de india” ke 4 tckts have just been delivered to my doorsteps. Khush ho jaao india.

Happy independence day deshwaasiyo, ek jhanda jarur khareedna each one of you. Aakhir retirement age aa gayee apne country ki!!

Ee hai meri keyboard ki pehli kamaai...JAM magazine ka cheque.

http://garambhejafry.blogspot.com/2006/09/gr8-indian-spicy-baraat.html
Aur ye raha wo article jo publish ho gaya!!!

I yumm happy!!

Two weeks of training are over. 5 more weeks to go. My friends back home ask me “Kaun saa maheena chal raha hai”(training kaa) and I get all red. I reply “mai poore parhej barat rahaa huu…jacchaa aur bacchaa dono salaamat hai”.. our training is taking place at a hip bangy college whose students irrespective of their sex hug each other when they meet in the mornings and talk about rock concerts and hangovers. Ee Bangalore hai babua, my dost tells me. I am just a Rampur ka laxman…err..duryodhan in a big city.

My day starts at 6:30 in the morning when I wake up for a piss and then again I go back to snuggle up where I used to piss on when I was a “nappy me bhi happy” baby.

I get up at 7 and till that time the PG waala nepaali kaancha delivers the bed tea. The innocent kaancha looks at me and says :

”shhaab!! Chaai kaha rakhu!! “

“aaarggglleggglee *drool* aghhhh” with one eye open

“jee shaab!! Theek hai“

While sipping the tea I wonder philosophically looking at the morning sky from my window how come I have become a “saabji” in the space of 2 weeks. Then my roomie sardaara shouts

“Saale Bh**Ch** pankaj udhaas….. kal subah utthega kyaa??” then I realize main to abhi bhi jawaan hoon. And my snobbish “saabji” thoughts take a suicidal jump from the same window.

In another half an hour I am as ready as sameera ready oopps reddy. Four of us colg ke dost get bundled in a santro and head for the training center. Bangalore ka traffic beckons us with open arms. As we stay at the BTM layout 2^nd stage and the training center is near the electronic city office which is a shade over 9kms away from our place traffic ke lambe haath hum maasoomo ke mornings ka gala ghontne ko taiyaar rehte hai... … “aa jaa beta” the traffic says. The road looks like a parking lot. And the office goers inside the cars and buses seem to have accepted this as a part of their life and they look as calm as a sleeping gurudutt while their vehicle moves at a speed of 10 inches an hour.

When we do reach the center we idle around in the canteen checking out the girls and saambhar vadaas , and then begins a 10 hour grueling session interspersed with 3-4 extended coffee breaks and a lunch break where we get the “fokut ka khaana”. Half of the class is occupied with my colg friends so fultoo masti.

On our way back who else but Atif, raeth and few other Pakistanis rub malham on the mental jakhms of us S/W engnnrs by their voice. When we are back at our residence dinner vagairah leke.. begins a happy hour where 12 of us colg ke dost (alllaah kaa shukar hai we are all in the same building) get together for what we call as “The happy hour” your’s truly hosts it proudly and in that period of time we guys laugh our ass off , jokes on every thing under the sun, moon and baanki ke pilanet. Din bhar ke Stress ki maa ki… :D

Kuchh photu-shotu dekh lo…

Rajdhani express ka ek coach..shukar hai gali ke kutte nahee ghoom rahe bas unhi ki kami hai

Traffic rules gaye chulhe me..

Mera gurucool...yaha mujhe hal chalaane ki training di jaati hai..

Oye cybercafe nahee hai re.. mera classroom hai ye..yahee mujhe 10 ghante roz mazdoori karni padti hai

Mera saaf suthra room...Beds ke beech me distance ko note kiya jaaye me-lordd!! :P

Ek kaam ki baat. Jaankaar dost se ek gujaarish hai...mujhe Sys UNIX domain se navaaja gaya hai aur mera telecom mera horizontal hai..iss combo ke saath mai kitne teer chala sakta hu..thodaa torch maar yaar ispe. battery mai khareed dunga tension nakko.