Pyar me cutbacks

Ah! Welcome here, long time isn't it. I was away in the land of Shoot-outs, Shooting studios, Shooters @ olive bar, Slum offshoots: Mumbai. There I was the past one month gauging what makes Mumbai the 'Bombay' we know it to be. But trying to put together one more of those "oh-so-philosophical" posts about the maximum city, is as futile as the process of you pissing in the Mahim creek hoping that your friend(read: bastard) who ditched you to Goa (coz you had to work weeknds) may taste some of 'that' while he is taking a quick dip there. Futile isn't it.

Strange times are these of victorious Bangalorean cricket, rejuvenated 'gandhi'giri, countries celebrating the extinction of tigers, and a Priety zinta who only shakes hands these days (and later the players shake with hand!)... Shall we move on.. hmpfff!
I mean what has 'hello' happened to this 'helloooo'...country. The humor is pathetic 'hello' and not much to write abt...Life is going at a sedate pace and i-pill has surely helped sort out some issues. :P

Not much work at office and chances of working on a weekend are as slim as actually "working" on a weekday. I got a call from some editor who wanted the items of this blog to be pipelined to his magazine, aur "haaye mai to sharam ke maare mar gayee". The write-ups on this blog are as useless as a blind abhinav bindra. Chill maaro yaaro, churana hai churaao, udaana hai udaao, what goes of my father?? hindi me - mere baap ka kya jaata hai.

We launched a new mobile handset which our team had coded this past month, 5 months of hard work and a grand party is in the offing and to those cost cutting hawks who are opposing such lavish expenditure I quote a famous line which has been recently translated from the ancient scriptures:

Verse 3:19 - "Pyaar me koi cutbacks nahee hone chahiye"

Indeed they love us, kyuki u have the authority of spanking the ass of only those few whom u love dearly. Isn’t it? aisa mummy kehti thi.

And there has been this deluge of facebook quizzes off late, "Which 'Jaago grahak jaago' ad character are you?" , "How well do you know Nand kishore Chaubey?" and the likes. And there are ample number of people out there in your friend list who actually want to know as to which 'windows error message' are they. Kudos to them. There are a million chandlers out there, and almost equal number of Harry potters, No wonder facebook is a truly blessed community. Pokes, super-pokes are passé. May be next time a full blooded quiz will be posted here.

Signing off with nothing much to say but for these few words which have proved to be a talisman to me:-

"Apna luck pehen ke chalo"

:)

Calm-sutra!

Starting with an absolute cliché' which goes like- I am back. And guess what was the reason for my absence - IPL - yeah you guessed it right - "Inevitable perennial Laziness".

My life nowadays is as calm as the calm (kaam) waali baai who hasn't been paid for the last 2 months. Yeah it has been chaotic. Just the other day when I put up a status msg on gtalk which read like "Everybody is gonna die with their orkut passwords!!". Ek jarurat se jyada bichhda hua dost pinged me and said "bhaai tu ek post likh de ab!!. Tera frustration door ho jaayega" and so here I am ranting like any other "work-life" balance ke maare bhaailog. Work is as hectic as looking for antonyms of the word 'hectic'. But then as always I adhere to the mantra (calm-sutra) given to me by the visionary ascetic, Baba ramdev masala! :- "Chill maar watsa!!". And since then aisee pratha chali aa rahee hai.

After a day's work when I step inside my room, mera roomie (another techie & sardar) gets ecstatic and says "Oye paappe! aaj to Sehwag bangalore ki M** ***** raha hai. * insert cackle*".

The noise inside the room is like, as if 6 punju aunties discussing jewelry and their in laws inside a Maruti 800 and you are the driver. (Reader: Oye 6 punju auntiyo ko maruti me ghusa diya to tu kahaan baithega?? )

Arey miya hum koi anti kirket sangathan ke sadasya/member nahee hai, phir bhi yaar roz roz wahee chauke and chhakke and kuch chakke(banaglore waale? :p). Ab to cheerleaders ko bhi kapde pehna diye. hadd ho gayee!

And yeah I confess I went for the inaugural match at the Chinnaswamy stadium here in bangalore. haan munna asli isshtadium me!!. All of us were really pumped up. I had called my duur ke jaunpur waale chacha and kanpur ki mausi too as to "TV pe dekhte rehna , palak bhi jhapakne naa paaye, aaj hum TV me aayenge". I had enuf arsenal to lure the camerawaalahs into grabbing a shot or two. The match was between KKR and the Royal challengers.

We were supporting our namma Bangalooru team, but eventually our loyalities/gaze/binoculars shifted to the real leaders (lead india campaign kyu nahee khoj paya inhe!), yep the cheer-leaders.

I had prepared banners which read like :-

1) Pack 'em Knight Riders to their 'Home shanty Home'.

2) His name is Royal Dravid.

3) Its a no fly-zone over the stadium when dada is playin', coz he might knock down a few.

4) Commit all your crimes while Dravid is batting, coz even the god has slept waiting for him to score. {Haan bhai ye wala banner nahee le gaya tha, Ikbaaliya zurm}

5) Thank you Set Max :D. {Achook ilaaz TV pe naa aane ki bimaari ka}

6) Ask the cheerleaders "kya aap paanchvi pass se tez hai?"

Yeah as you can see, I had banners for all the possible outcomes. But still my 15 nanoseconds of fame on the idiot box never materialized, thanks to Brendon McCullum and his 13 sixes and the other 11. (phir se wahee joke maara).

Kuch snippets of news (aise hi post ko lamba karne ke liye *hew hew*) :- (GBF reporter is on a vacation)

1) As you know Salman is hosting a show named "10 ka dum" where he promises to pay 10 crores for answering 5 questions, where every question will be based on some random "PyerSentayhge" (Shirt utaari, ab accent ki utaarunga). When you see the promos of the show which are on air, you wish the director to be lynched by a Bihari mob.

2) Ness wadia, the co-owner of the Punjab Kings XI was reportedly happy when his team was mauled by the Mumbai Indians, as none of the players got a chance to get cozy with his fiancée, when on a day they post a victory, even the curator of the pitch makes it a point not to disappoint Preity and let her clasp him tight.

3) Harbhajan Singh, the slappy-happy sardar, has been denied entry into the "Gelf" countries, for obvious reasons.

4) The reported absence of VVS Laxman and the Previous laxman (Laxman Sivaramakrishnan :- the pitch reporter) from IPL is bothering nobody, may be coz I have written it here you would realize the fact.
4.1) The pre match analysis is nowadays hosted by the kind of boys you find in a toothpaste commercial, desperately trying not to look dumb on camera.
4.2) During the post match presentation ceremony most of the Indian/Pakistani players use the age old adage often uttered by the legendary Mohammad bin azharuddin, "baayez(boys) have played well !!"

chalo dudes and dudiyaas! it's time to say buy buy! And do remember the calm-sutra or the formula to remain calm: - “Chill maar watsa”.

Holi Hai..err thi!!

"Pehchaan kaun!!"

I don't know what this post is gonna be about, I even don't know what words I am gonna throw up in the very next sentence. It might happen that these lines may never get posted but I have this congenital attitude which can be best described in 3 1/2 words-

"Hata saawan ki ghata"

( 3 1/2 words me aur bhi kaafi saari feelings express ki jaa sakti hai. SyMonks err Symonds ko pata hai)..Bhai bade din ho gaye keyboard par ungliyo ko dance karaaye. So here goes my new (financial) year resolution, Every Sunday this space is gonna be updated with anything that crosses my mind. Oops "Anything 'crossed' with my Mind"= 'Taare zameen par protagonist'.

All those people who understood the pun in the previous sentence and smiled, thank you very much!! You do belong to the 'taare zameen par' category, coz even I don't have any damn clue what that equation is supposed to mean. hehe. Never mind Yeah you’ve guessed it right. I was high on Bhaang this holi and the 'Bhang-over' hasn't died down yet.

(Pause for a bit of self appreciation: Hmmm good word that "Bhangover")

Holi was fun. The fact that there's no KNS (Karnataka navnirman sena/sadists) here in Bangalore, we celebrated holi peacefully (?). Reluctant friends were dragged/pulled out of their beds/toilets/cupboards/commodes and were tied and generously dyed pitch black. Add a coating of export quality mud. Some of them decided to voice their reluctance when they were face massaged; alas those guys were rightfully rendered with their teeth bearing the same color as their gums. Lot of fingering made this possible.(:O)

We all looked like distant cousins of Vinod kambli after a kabaddi match.

As we were roaming the streets, a sissy riding pillion on a random bike, all decked up, not a speck of color on his face, whizzed past us and as he did, he squeaked "Holi hai!!” I shouted out mocking disbelief "Holi??? aisaa kyaa? ohh shitt!!! aaj to holi hai! pata hi nahee chala" then a barrage of refined hand-picked expletives thickened the air. On the day of holi, moving about as if it’s the diwali day is an outright sin. Holi is the festival when the 'colored' people are the celebrated ones. Are u listening uncle sam!.

And time for some Holi snippets that make it what it is:-

• "Rang barse / holi khele raghubeera.." playing for the 78th time,
  
• Having a large helping of Gulaal as your breakfast,
• Buckets of water splashed around with the miserly owner just emptying a single sachet of color into it,
• The thrill of kiddos to color those grumpy uncles who acted as pure bitches (read your boss) the whole year by not returning the cricket balls that were hit into their lawns/balconies/porches,
• Bald uncles cackling loudly , high on bhang/daaru,
• Irritating little morons hurling water balloons right at your face and scurrying off clutching their cheap water pistols,
• Newbie and hence excited junior newsreaders made to read the news on 24X7 news channels while the senior news readers/journalists have a blast at their respective homes/holi parties,

The grand bath where the operation discoloration takes place, with ideas ranging from-

1. Spending the afternoon inside the washing machine holding a 2 Kg surf excel ka packet ,
2. To allow your house maid/kaamwaali to clean you up coz she is universally renowned for discoloring the fabrics she washes. Bhai tagda record hai uska. Hai ki nahee.
3. Chupchaap Saabun lagaao aur kya!! Aur Kitne tareeke chahiye bey.

Phewhh!! ab aapki baari Howaz your holi, and what's your new financial year's resolution! Bataao India/overseas bataao!

A trip to mera sasur (Mysore) - I

Long time no pee err..see !! (Song playing in my bheje ka Winamp : Pee le pee le o mere jaani pee le pee le o mere raja.. :P). the long disconnect can be well explained by the fact that this poor software trainee of a soul was subjected to a training routine which was as relentless and bey-reham as Nisha Kothari in RGV ki aag.( GBF reporter reports that the guy at the ticket counter brings along a mortein mosquito coil to his work place daily for what else but an undisturbed sleep).

At long last the training period is over and we’ll be allotted projects on the 17th of this month. If luck stays by my side, I might land up with a good development project. Chances are plum as I have scored well in the assessments (80+% overall), but bhagwaan ji has been playing an ‘Aleem dar’ offlate on my life ki innings. Dekho ji kya hota hai!!

Last weekend four of us dosts decided upon a trip to mysore. A visit to Tipu sultan’s tomb, Mysore palace and vrindavan garden with a few ancient temples dotting the route featured in the package tour. The bus was scheduled to depart on 6:45 in the morning aur wo bhi Saturday morning. Itni subah to sadak ke kutto kaa bhi alarm nahee bajta.

It was a chilled out morning and we were waiting for fellow travelers and traveleriyaas but they proved to be as disappointing as this post. We somehow managed to bring a non branded digicam along.(kuuch nahee mil raha tha yaar!! ) “Mera camera hai japani, ye ‘pantaloon’ of kishore biyani” (maaf kar do yaar hehe!!).

The dhaaba food was at its worst; I ordered a dosa which tasted like a pizza with a rich haajmola topping. Don’t dare to ask me about the paneer butter masaala that we had in the lunch. RGV ki aag par seki gayee rotiyo ke saath me paneer butter masala was like ‘no paneer but masala’. We reached tipu’s tomb at about 10 in the morning. The in house guide was speaking hindi as fluent and flawless as I speak French. Dodge this..

“Ye makbara matbal tooomb ne banvaaye tipu sultan ko in the saal 1798..”


“Aur masala dosa ne khaaya mere ko at the samay 9:30” I murmured.

Arey bhaai uski kya galti hai. Mujhe to kannada me sirf gaaliyaa aati hai wo to phir bhi hindi me bahut kuchh bol gaya.

After checking out the tomb of tipu sultan,and the burial places of his various bhaai bhateeje and bahuu betiyaa we clicked snaps with ordering some extra ‘cheese’. We were back in the bus and the next destination was the city of mysore. When the bus sped ahead on the serpentine ways up the hill I was tempted to do a “mere sapno ki raani..kab aayegi tu” but I was instantly reminded by my dost ki ‘Raani’ paap ke raaste par chal nikli hai…uski ‘chunri me daag’ lagne waala hai. Tide ka safedi challenge be damned.

Chalo bhaai baaki ki bakwaas baad me. Shahrukh ke abs ki + ‘heyy babyy’ ke babes ki kasam jaldi hi agla post chipkaaunga…

Garam Bheja Fry completes an year of its existence. Aaj mere blog ka birthday hai..kya gift laaye ho uncle!!

I yumm happy!!

Two weeks of training are over. 5 more weeks to go. My friends back home ask me “Kaun saa maheena chal raha hai”(training kaa) and I get all red. I reply “mai poore parhej barat rahaa huu…jacchaa aur bacchaa dono salaamat hai”.. our training is taking place at a hip bangy college whose students irrespective of their sex hug each other when they meet in the mornings and talk about rock concerts and hangovers. Ee Bangalore hai babua, my dost tells me. I am just a Rampur ka laxman…err..duryodhan in a big city.

My day starts at 6:30 in the morning when I wake up for a piss and then again I go back to snuggle up where I used to piss on when I was a “nappy me bhi happy” baby.

I get up at 7 and till that time the PG waala nepaali kaancha delivers the bed tea. The innocent kaancha looks at me and says :

”shhaab!! Chaai kaha rakhu!! “

“aaarggglleggglee *drool* aghhhh” with one eye open

“jee shaab!! Theek hai“

While sipping the tea I wonder philosophically looking at the morning sky from my window how come I have become a “saabji” in the space of 2 weeks. Then my roomie sardaara shouts

“Saale Bh**Ch** pankaj udhaas….. kal subah utthega kyaa??” then I realize main to abhi bhi jawaan hoon. And my snobbish “saabji” thoughts take a suicidal jump from the same window.

In another half an hour I am as ready as sameera ready oopps reddy. Four of us colg ke dost get bundled in a santro and head for the training center. Bangalore ka traffic beckons us with open arms. As we stay at the BTM layout 2^nd stage and the training center is near the electronic city office which is a shade over 9kms away from our place traffic ke lambe haath hum maasoomo ke mornings ka gala ghontne ko taiyaar rehte hai... … “aa jaa beta” the traffic says. The road looks like a parking lot. And the office goers inside the cars and buses seem to have accepted this as a part of their life and they look as calm as a sleeping gurudutt while their vehicle moves at a speed of 10 inches an hour.

When we do reach the center we idle around in the canteen checking out the girls and saambhar vadaas , and then begins a 10 hour grueling session interspersed with 3-4 extended coffee breaks and a lunch break where we get the “fokut ka khaana”. Half of the class is occupied with my colg friends so fultoo masti.

On our way back who else but Atif, raeth and few other Pakistanis rub malham on the mental jakhms of us S/W engnnrs by their voice. When we are back at our residence dinner vagairah leke.. begins a happy hour where 12 of us colg ke dost (alllaah kaa shukar hai we are all in the same building) get together for what we call as “The happy hour” your’s truly hosts it proudly and in that period of time we guys laugh our ass off , jokes on every thing under the sun, moon and baanki ke pilanet. Din bhar ke Stress ki maa ki… :D

Kuchh photu-shotu dekh lo…

Rajdhani express ka ek coach..shukar hai gali ke kutte nahee ghoom rahe bas unhi ki kami hai

Traffic rules gaye chulhe me..

Mera gurucool...yaha mujhe hal chalaane ki training di jaati hai..

Oye cybercafe nahee hai re.. mera classroom hai ye..yahee mujhe 10 ghante roz mazdoori karni padti hai

Mera saaf suthra room...Beds ke beech me distance ko note kiya jaaye me-lordd!! :P

Ek kaam ki baat. Jaankaar dost se ek gujaarish hai...mujhe Sys UNIX domain se navaaja gaya hai aur mera telecom mera horizontal hai..iss combo ke saath mai kitne teer chala sakta hu..thodaa torch maar yaar ispe. battery mai khareed dunga tension nakko.

bang bang!!

Iss sentence ko likhne ke dauraan iss keyboard ke ek bahaadur sipaahi – backspace key par bahut atyaachaar huaa hai. All-india-backspace-key-bachaao-samiti ne raajyapaal ko ek gyaapan diya hai. Aur hadtaal ki dhamki bhi saath me speedpost ki hai.

Phewhh!! Enuf of bakwaas, its my 4th day in the garden cITy of India and the weather has been as sexy as Katrina kaif, priyanka chopra and Bipasha “tripling” on a TVS champ (moped) and the laffu chhokras either side of the street throwing buckets of water on the giggly chicks as they glide by singing “why should boys have all the fun” (hehe boys are still having fun!!).

It all started when I boarded the Bangalore bound Rajdhani exp from Bhopal at such a time when even engineering students go to sleep (alone ..mind you!!). One of my “dilli ka dost” had booked my tkts from delhi and I needed to board the train from Bhopal (Sat sri tatkaal!). When the train arrived and I was about to embark upon the tirain a TT sahib popped up like a matrimonial ad of shaadi.com. He asked me to show him the ticket. (Shakal to allaah ki den hai ab mai chor-uchakka dikhta hu to it izz naat my faalt). I fished out the ticket from a andheri pocket and showed it to him. The TT gave me a left-eyebrow-raised “iss baar to bach gaye bacchuu” look. I gladly climbed the steps making a mental note that jab boodhaa ho jaaunga to ek film banaaunga iske saath picture ka naam “Khuddaar TT” - agar tumhe train par WT chadhna hai to tumhe meri laash ke upar pair rakh ke jaana hoga ”.

When I did reach the compartment somehow, I found my friend happily wrapped up in a railway blanket ready to be exported. Mine was the middle berth (3 tier ki ruswaaiyaan!!). The eunuchs never ask for money from the people lying on the middle berth, kyuki unko bhi pata hai ki “ye to beech kaa hai”. I stretched my legs lying on the “beech kaa berth”. It was 5 in the morning.

After about two hours my friend woke up and after poking me in my ribs nearly 27 times he woke me up as well. When I looked at him groggily He asks me with a innocent smile on his face “ tu kab aaya yaar!!”. He’s a sardar FYI. I thought of yelling a “teri **** ki.. jagaaya kyu??“. but it wasn’t my colg hostel so I managed with a “ yaar mai to tere suitcase me tha….tune dekha nahee &^%$@ “ (bachpan me padhaa tha ki jab bhi daaku dhamaaka singh ko chacha chaudhary ullu banaata tha wo aise hi gaaliya bakta tha “$#%^@” wohi dekh ke seekh gaya main).

One other uncleji was waiting anxiously for me to descend so that he could lower the berth and run thru the Economic times editorials. (yaar aisee hi junta aati hai..Where are those good old Manohar kahaaniyaa readers). Sharam ke maare I descended.

On the opposite berth there was a newly wed couple which had no qualms in coochie-cooing in public. ( and you guessed it right I had no qualms as well muhaha!!). Saale saahab bhi saath me the the official kabaab me haddi-washing machine me chaddi was a 2nd year engineering student. And no prizes in guessing that his sister was “the ideal aunty” :D . They were residents of Bangalore and they were trying to flaunt this fact. When I asked her husband when do we get the “fokut ki bed tea”.

He said “ abhi tak to aa jaani chahiye normally to aa jaati hai, humaara aana jana to issi train se hota hai u know!!”

“ohh…ok” I sighed.

I expected them to say in chorus “Hum to susu karne bhi raajdhani se jaate hai”.

Saale saab was busy hitting on a giggly sardaarni of the same age as his.

Sample this.

“ Engineering kar rahee ho?? “

“hihihihi *giggle* haan”

“Stream kaun si hai??”

“hihihi!! wo kyaa hota hai?? Hihihihi “

“Close-up use karti ho yaa happydent chabaati ho??”

“hihihihihi”

I slept through most parts of the journey only waking for the fokut ka lunch, dinner, jumpin, pepsi, soup etc. The next morning we reached a chilled out Bangalore. Temperature was below 20 degrees. The munda from dilli my dost, was about to collapse of hypothermia . (dili ki garmi huhaha!!).

Chal baaki ki kahaaniyaa baad me sunaaunga Sify Iway ka quota poora ho gaya. MG road aur brigade road ki jhalkiyo ke saath. I know without pics this post is looking like a ved prakash Sharma ka jaasoosi upanyaas (novel). Kal Monday hai kal se mere kandhe par hal daal diya jaayega, kaano me mother india ke gaane lagaa ke khet jutwaayenge .Lunch me roomaal me roti baandh ke le jaaunga aur kisi tree ke neeche baith ke khoon paseene ki roti khaaunga.buhuhu!! The training starts tomorrow.

Bangalored !?!

21st june 0635 : Touchdown Bangalore!!

Mumma's baby to an earning brat!! hope the transition is smooth!! ( Topaz ke razer jaise)

P.S : I am gonna start a photo-blog soon.

P.p.s : Frustoons got DP'ed. :)

Itchy i'll do the tag soon. Gimme some time and i'll reply to all the comments. :)