Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Face-bhookh - A letter

Hi vicky_underscore_coolest_hunk ,

Howdy? As per your request I am sending some quality tested Javascripts to unlock orkut albums and scrapbooks, and a fraandship-scrapper-engine which processes 500 female orkut profiles in a second. Phew! Tough isn't it. Damn these anti-social networking sites..

I feel, it is time, I should tell you, the good 'ol early millennium formula - scrap-add-friend-chat-meet-kiss doesn't bear fruits these days on orkut, my friend. All of the single and looking as well as the single looking variety have fled to a new playground christened as the "Facebook." It’s a hip place they say, coz it’s hot in Amreeka, period.

They happily poke each other (they don't mention which part of the body.Damn!), they paint each others' walls, they buy/sell/recruit each other irrespective of the market condition , they compare each other('s) and even send cold drinks.

Confused ?? Well I'll decode the jargon for you.

1. News feed: - You'll have this feeling that you have seen this word before somewhere. Surely my friend, On the top right hand corner of your homepage (, you would have seen that saffron colored rectangle with "RSS feed" written under it. That’s for receiving news as they happen. And all this time you thought it was a charity banner urging you to "Feed the poor RSS(Rashtriya svayamsevak sangh) workers" and you were quite justified in your assumption as it is indeed saffron in color.

Actually at Facebook this particular feature enables you to monitor what all your friends have been up to, but be really careful as it accurately reports not just you deeds but the misdeeds as well. Just the other day the whole Khandan of Raju came to know that "Raju is bargaining for 4 DVDs of chinese porn at the Burma market".

Raju is in his final semester of Btech.On the Last day of the semester after submitting the final year project and enduring the viva shit, raju breathed a sigh of relief. And the following evening he fished out a DVD from his bag and stuffed it in his player, to his horror Raju saw project slides flashing over his TV screen.

We saw the news feed instantly "Raju has fainted". Rajus of this world seem to be doomed. As you can see, double edged sword is this feed thingy.

2. Photo Tagging : It is one more of those cool features this networking site boasts off, here you can tag the names of your friends on your photos(without their prior permission), just as one of my friends tagged the name of his ex-girlfrnd in a pic, the girlfrnd cheerfully tagged back!

Then I heard that some pea brained Pakistani security advisor named Durrani tweaked something in his private album and was fired for what he did, see if you can figure out, I dunno what's wrong with this pic.

3. Writing on the wall :- Scrapbook becomes a wall here. Writing on a wall especially on the toilet walls of an engineering college, has always been a mentally stimulating job. The good 'ol "Aapka bhavishya aapke haantho me hai" , the evergreen "haanth pant me naa pocche". still lingers. Remember the time when your Engineering maths wala master flunked you in the internals, you quietly went to the toilet and undersigned at the space where hundreds of other students had signed below the transcript where the sister and mother of that master were well decorated.

Here you have to be a friend of someone before you can extend your fraandship msg on their walls, paradoxical isn't it.

4. Events :- Just the other day I saw one of my juniors flashing this one :-

"Sandy plans to attend college on the next Tuesday - rsvp to this event".

So you can intimate people around you about any special event you are attending/gatecrashing.

5. Quizzes and games: - People challenge each other at different quizzes for example

"Which Mumbai-26/11 terrorist are you??” (You can be one among ten different terrorists)

"Which Aaj tak/india tv news reporter are you??" (Mind you, this is deadlier), and lots more.

Above all, you can still exercise your cutesy tricks, like replacing your display pic with one of your childhood mug shots, old scanned black-n-white photo in which you are wearing knickers as well as that oh-so-innocent look on your face. (of course you do this to attract those "kinne cute lag rahe ho", "Sho shweeeet" type comments from the girls in your friend list, the bastard you are ). The guys look at these pics, smirk and shoot comments like "Saale badaa hoke kitna harami ho gaya hai"..."Molested child lag raha hai" and the likes.

So being your social networking secretary, I strongly recommend you to sign up @ facebook, and gleefully poke at anyone you like, but be very sure of not bargaining for Chinese DVDs.

Your's truly

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Monday, January 05, 2009

When the time stopped

It was around midnight, a sea more like a grease tank of capacity unknown, pitch black, mysterious. The sand washed with moonlight and rinsed by the foam, a sea breeze which froze few balls and a half moon hung over the sky oblivious of the sin it aided in. The sea was a spitting distance from where I had planted mine, on the beach. I was by a campfire, sitting together with a Israeli Jew, on my right hand side and a stoned Dutch guy diagonally across, alongside two brats canoodling with their respective arm candies, taking their tongue out only to swear by the farmhouse parties they organize back in Bangalore.

I asked the Jew

"What brings you to India?"

"Paradise this place is, people know English, good transportation, food..."

"Good transportation???"

"I was holidaying in Madagascar before this; I used to commute there by hitchhiking on lorries"

He was a hippie.

As the night grew darker a group of swaying people joined us who had brought candles and pouches (you know why) with them. A Michael phelps look-alike from wales, two Spanish girls wearing sarongs, a French lady and a German beer guzzler with a blue eyed lass (nationality unknown). The common chord among us?? - English and weed. As the joints were being rolled, people started talking as to how people from Belgium have crowded Amsterdam, and how savage have the Englishmen proven to be. The Welshman stated that both his parents have brown eyes and he has blue, so he is suspecting his mailman. I quipped in with "When Chris was born his father asked the doctor about his wife and son’s well being and the doctor replied "It was a pretty normal 'postal' delivery".

And it went on.

Suddenly the dutchie who was hitherto talking to a Scandinavian, who had joined us, got high.

"We are free, we are the bloody G-spot of mother earth"

the Amsterdam-native barked high on weed. The German said something but only his sweet tooth could decipher that.

I chipped in with "What do you call a person from Holland who has just finished 3 joints?"

"What?" the Spanish chick queried

"The flying Dutchman"

The two brats from Bangalore blinked and everyone else had a good laugh. It was probably a lame one, but weed has strange effects on you. :)

The Spanish girl who had exhaled by now just a few poorly pronounced English words and a lot of smoke, whispered me in the ear

"Do you have mariwaana (marijuana) with you?"

I politely declined. She assumed I was really sad about the fact and so, she passed me her joint with a poor-you expression on her face. I held the joint between my fingers, thought for a moment and passed it on to the Jew. :)

Then we talked as to where she lived in Spain, how she found India to be, what my R&D engineering at Samsung is all about, and what is she doing the other evening. (Till now I have restrained myself from mentioning the fact that .....She was of the smokin' hot variety )

The breeze had a nip and the sea was on a high..tide. Everybody was dizzy. A quiet midnight, the chilled out half moon, soaked sand and the greasy waves hitting the shoreline, magic. Soon the Welshman started strumming his guitar, and almost automatically we started voicing the anthem....

From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive
Lyrics | John Lennon lyrics - Imagine lyrics

"Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try
No hell below us Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for todayyyy..."

Everybody swayed as I lied on the beach staring at the clear sky, millions of stars in an infinite universe, and our planet a tiny speck somewhere there and yet we are divided, killing, blowing up each other. The few of us left in the universe.

"Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace... "

Right there lying on the beach with an absolutely blank mind I experienced.. Bliss.

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Date : First Saturday of '09
Place: Gokarna beach (A Goa without the clutter and the hoopla)

P.S. : I was in Seoul for the past one and half month, and I left my blog in india, that explains the inactivity here. :)

P.P.S : John Lennon is God.