Sunday, March 29, 2009

Poll Dance

5th april, 2009 : We have some Breaking news here! In an All party general meeting here in delhi, it has been decided that the general elections this year are gonna be relocated to foreign countries citing security reasons. The decision wasn't unanimous, but due to some heavy under-the-table-trafficking which was sponsored by VIP and Samsonite a consensus was reached. Talk of the MPs living out of the suitcase.

All the rallies, rath yatras, speeches, meetings will be televised on camera to be shown to the Indian viewers back home. The politicians will be counting on the Indian diaspora from the bay area to turn up in huge numbers for the processions and speeches, and shout slogans like "Sadhu yadav Zindabad".

7th april, 2009 : We are reporting live from Peshawar in Pakistan, where Varun gandhi has just finished his speech, He enjoyed a good turnout here in Peshawar amidst security fears. Our sources tell us that, out of the 100 people who turned up, 98 of them were suicide bombers, so when they saw everyone around them of their own clan, they decided against it. The two other lucky (ass)souls were my cameraman and I. We caught up with Varun after his speech.

"Hi Varun, How do you feel campaigning in pakistan, Your speech has stirred the youth here"

"Yeah! I'll amputate them, hell yeah! I'll slaughter ...bloodshed...f**king drone attacks, "

"But even your own party is shying away from your extremist point of view!!"

*sees a man with a beard, fiddling with his waist-band nearby* "What extremism! we are a peace loving secular party! Every religion wants harmony and..."

"But you just said that a few seconds back..."

"What did i say? You mediawaalahs want to frame every gandhi under the sun and every son under a must have been doctored
..*turns back and breathes fire* Who dubbed that for me.. .i am being framed.."

*the reporter turns to the other leader who has been listening all this* "I can't help, until it's proved with e...evidence in... *reads from a chit or paper*... in a court of law"

*while the bearded gentleman is still fiddling with his waistband*

Back to the studio.

Overheard: A water cooler conversation between two suicide bombers :-

" 'sup dude, i heard two of your team mates are going on an onsite assignment"

"*sighs* lucky assholes sucked their way up, and what am i doing here?? bloody local bombings- Quetta, Kabul or at most sucks challenge, no value addition to your resume', no media exposure...bah.."

"Office politics dude, it kills slow.."

"Seriously man i am planning to move on...Now i have a family to support...I can't take it anymore..IPL, Commonwealth, G8 summit... so many on-site opportunities and the bloody manager wants me to whoop sorry pashto asses, i am gonna request the HRs to get me transferred to the sleeper cell division"

"Holy grail dude!..sleeper cell....every rookie wants to be there..nothing like it"

"Hmmm...Anyways I heard you too have been nominated for that chemical weapons training...the training rooms have been booked for two days i guess"

"Yea-ah! some Libyan smart ass is gonna come....i am gonna peacefully sleep through it"

"Good luck mate! and I have this presentation to make, which my boss is gonna present to the madarsas in karachi tomorrow morning..Aargghh...Deadlines i tell you ..."

"My friend, in our profession, Deadline is a time when our (life)lines are dead"

"Philosophical !!"

9th May 2009 : We have a showdown at our hands : Manmo hensing (great uncle of Van helsing who maintains the puns in this post are of poor quality) vs Shared power (who believed his name is a misnomer) are both gunning for the prime ministerial nomination from the ruling alliance. Shared power, the president of the country's cricketing board as well, is in no mood of sharing any power or even power-cuts. He's campaigning in New-zealand to at least coax Jeetan patel in voting for his cause.

In other news a quote that made the headlines : -

"Aim for the Prime minister"

said by Kaanshiram to Mayawati.
said by a Talibani commander to his sniper.

To be continued....


Sunday, March 15, 2009

Types of Love-birds - PART II

4) The Possessive (read jeene nahee dungi) types:-
This is the category of those cupid struck couples where one of them,(read the female) is extra possessive of the other. If suppose they went shopping and she finds her boyfriend staring at a female mannequin for more than 3 seconds then she won't speak to him for 3 days and moreover spy on his cell phone for the next 1 month as to whether the mannequin and her boyfriend are exchanging text messages.
If the boyfriend doesn't pick her call in 2 rings then she's damn sure her boyfriend is making out with a blonde bombshell in a Nariman point penthouse, even though the poor guy was just washing his stinking chadddi-baniyaan in the bathroom.

Girl : "Kahaaa the??????"

Boy: "Jaanu mai to bathroom me..."

Girl : "Itni der se...mai itni pareshaan ho gayee....bata ke bhi nahee gaye..tumhe meri koi chinta
nahee have changed a lot...%#$#$#...."

Boy: arey abhi 5 minute pehle hi to bataya tha ki chaddi dhone jaa raha hu...

Girl : "Hawwwwwwwwww ....Kiski chaaddiiiiiiiiiiiii??"

Boy : "Chunky pande ki chaddi...arey apni chaddi hi to dhounga naa jaanu"

Girl "Tumhe mazaak soojh raha hai, jaao mai tumse baat nahee karti *hangs up*

Boy:(looks at the phone) Teri maa ki.....

Girl: "Kya bolaaaa..."

Boy: "Errr Arey matlab ...Teri man ki baat mai samajh gaya tha jaanu, aage se tumhe kabhi akela nahee chhodunga" *the boy thanks harbhajan singh under his breath*

As you can see, for such girls giving some space to your partner in a relationship is akin to sending the Indian cricket team to play a 5 test match series in Baluchistan, with Narendra modi as the team coach.

5) The Super chipkoo types :-

"Baby meri naak pe machhar baitha hai, usey mai maar du??"

"Baby meri peeth pe khujli ho rahee hai khujla lu?"

Teri to! Such guys(?) are super naturally committed to their partners. They would wear the same color clothes to college, wear lockets where the one half is with the guy and the other half is worn by the girl, get tattoos done of each other’s names in exotic languages. PDA (public display of Affectio...err Acrobatics) is just another means to strengthen their bond, even if the cell phone cameras around are heating up. They both repose their faith in one holy verse lifted from a holier scripture-
"khullam khulla pyar karenge hum dono, iss duniya se nahee darenge hum dono" . And they do just that, they are the regulars at all the Ram gopal verma movies. After one such show when I asked the gatekeeper, how was the turnout for the show.

"Saab aaj to ek hi banda aaya dekhne"
"Nahee yaar ghuse to dono the"
"Nahee ji seat to ek hi occupied dikh rahee thi"
"Never mind" I said.

The Kaamdev-d and his paaro go to the classes, tuitions, motions, cafeteria, basketball court, mess hall, library, loo and lot of other places of which I have no clue, TOGETHER. Even the Siamese twins may separate for a smoke or an urgent nature call, but not them. Long live their bond.

6) The Shhhh.. couple :-

"Jaanu on your b'day i'll gift you an imported Aftershave lotion"

"How sweet of you baby, but I still prefer the one you are using right now"


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Friday, March 13, 2009

Types of Love-Birds

Since the love apple was first bitten by 'Eva' longoria, and sex in the city started, this buzzword - love (jargon for most of us and the cause of 'jaagran' for the few lucky assholes) evolved. This particular word has been as trivial to me as the "whodunit" of the bloody Gassacre in the meeting room this afternoon. (Chhole bhatoore Damn!).

If you are disgusted by reading the previous statement and are making statements like "Hatt tu kya samjhega! Pyar to pooja hai" then you surely fall in one of the categories I am about to mention. :D

When I was a small kiddo, an age whose innocence can be gauged by an incident that took place during my schooldays in the early 90's :-

During a free period one of the substitute teachers who used to give us toffees to sit on his lap, how sweet of him.(Reader daant mat dikha those toffees tasted good) came to our class.

The angelic teacher summoned each one of us one by one to the dais to sing a song, whose lyrics we were comfortable with. After kiddos started belting out Govinda numbers like "Sarkaaye lo khatiya" and "Meri pant bhi saxy", my benchmate's(who was a Doordarshan addicted bachha) turn came, unsure of what to sing he went up and sang at the top of his voice..

"Pyar huaaa, ikraar huaa hai,
pyar se ab kyu darta hai dil,

Deluxe Nirodh, bharat ka sabse jyada bikne wala....."

The teacher immediately shifted two kids from his lap, and cleared his throat and declared recess.

Those days I thought pedophilia was some disease supposed to be cured by homeopathy. So in due course of time I learnt various connotations of the word love. Student- teacher love, Teacher - student (ahem!), parents->kids, first salary->fresher, I-banker->job portals, Govinda -> Karishma kapoor/Raveena..etc. But what we are gonna discuss here is the ladka-ladki, Chora-chori wala love…

1) The Small town Bunty babli

Picture a scrawny chokra wearing a hip-bone hugging, crotch strangulating, Monkey washed Jeans, held by a belt, on the Metallic buckle of which, a skull and two pistols are encrusted.
He runs his fingers through his hair every 30 nanoseconds, and stares at any female down the street by his mental X-ray vision. (mann ki aankhe baccha) He has a “Iski bhen ki kya maal hai!” attitude towards any remotely feminine object. He has invested a total of 75 rupees to get his hair straightened. The neighborhood barber is his soul mate, who sometimes asks for his balance 25 rupees.

He refers to his ‘Babli’ as his “Setting” and frequents a certain cybercafé (which charges 75 rupees an hour and offers police raid immunity) with his setting. The cybercafé is a classy one, which even has (carefully) installed web-cams in the cubicles for the customer’s perusal (although they somehow forgot to put computers in the cubicles), but the couples inside never notice. Innocent souls.

They fix their meetings while the girl is attending her saheli ka birthday and the boy has an extra class at his Maths tuition (at least according to the parents) .

Such couples when they reach the metros they can be found at bandstand(Mumbai), (where one of them ‘bends’ while the other ‘stands’) or may be deflowering behind the flowers at the Lodi garden in Delhi.
Once on a valentine’s day while bunty n babli were at the bandstand sitting under a large umbrella, someone poked bunty in the ribs from behind with a stick.

“Tuzhe Naav Kay Aahey? (What’s your name?)

“Ummmm…RamNaresh yadav”

“Tumhi Bhaiyaa Aahey”

“Aaahe *flurry of slaps*…aayyyyyy”

A bhaiya celebrating Valentine ’s Day in Mumbai under a large rainbow umbrella. Priceless.

He’s the Fraandship scrapper, who has his profile name embellished with strange symbols and he has written some 5 different plagiarized word-art testimonials to Babli.

Besides babli is one giggly creature which giggles at the drop of a hat (and other clothing accessories as well). She is the one who’s completing her B kaam/BCA/fashion designing ka course from the neighborhood college since the big bang. Enough words dedicated to them now, lets move on to the next category.

2) Long distance lovers :-

“Mere piya gaye Rangoon, le gaye RIM ka telephoon”.

A sure shot way to spot a person who belongs to this particular category is by noticing that he/she carries two cell phones, one of them is a regular one with MMS clips in the memory card and non-veg forwards in the Inbox, and the other phone which looks like a Super Nirma saabun ki tikiya after 20 days of rigorous use.

Each time one of the “bicchde panchhi” picks up his/her phone to call that special one, the inferior Ambani grins wide. And don’t expect the couple to talk about the Gaza crisis or the Pakistani instability, Overheard from one such repartee.

Boy :“Tumhe pata hai, kal raat naa tum mere sapne me aayi thi, aur phir maine tumhe aise zor se pakad liya * giggles”

Girl :“hatt badmaash…Tum naa bade “Wo” ho..*giggles*!!”

Boy: “*Showers some kisses* “

Girl : “Hum jo baate karte hai agar kisi ne sun liya to, …ufff.. pata nahee kya hoga” //most common line

Boy : “heehee…Sachhee me”

Girl : “waise ek baat bataao, kal to hum saari raat baat kar rahe the, phir tumhe sapna kab aaya”

Boy : “Errr…ummm…Saari raaaat kya...wahee mai kahoo subah uthh ke mere kaano me dard kyu ho raha hai” :P :P

Boring as it may sound, but ask them and they’ll say time flies, (with the phone balance of course). Their phone bill each month equals their house rent. These ghosts wander the terraces of their buildings late night. Be there at your terrace at around 11-12 pm in the night, and you’ll find these ghosts floating on different terraces, showering kisses and passing on sweet nothings. (This case is valid only if you are not one ghost yourself).

3) The matured lovers: -

This is the most dormant of the lot, who have been members of the above mentioned categories during the heydays of their relationship. But now they are in their late 20’s and at least one of them is being forced into “ladka dekh lo/ladki pasand kar lo” ritual. Now is the time to break in the news to the family.

Tense times, that’s why you would see them sipping away at coffee shops with tense faces and having small-talk between sips.
By this time they have at least one confidante in the family who knows about the “chakkar”. :P . This is the point of inflection for them; They can either call it over, or may be dare to declare. DDLJ nahee hota re real life me.

Gladly “My pyar hua ikraa hua” wala bachpan ka dost is still rollicking in the second category, and now he knows which is the largest selling one and more importantly why. ;)