Types of Love-Birds

Since the love apple was first bitten by 'Eva' longoria, and sex in the city started, this buzzword - love (jargon for most of us and the cause of 'jaagran' for the few lucky assholes) evolved. This particular word has been as trivial to me as the "whodunit" of the bloody Gassacre in the meeting room this afternoon. (Chhole bhatoore Damn!).

If you are disgusted by reading the previous statement and are making statements like "Hatt tu kya samjhega! Pyar to pooja hai" then you surely fall in one of the categories I am about to mention. :D

When I was a small kiddo, an age whose innocence can be gauged by an incident that took place during my schooldays in the early 90's :-

During a free period one of the substitute teachers who used to give us toffees to sit on his lap, how sweet of him.(Reader daant mat dikha those toffees tasted good) came to our class.

The angelic teacher summoned each one of us one by one to the dais to sing a song, whose lyrics we were comfortable with. After kiddos started belting out Govinda numbers like "Sarkaaye lo khatiya" and "Meri pant bhi saxy", my benchmate's(who was a Doordarshan addicted bachha) turn came, unsure of what to sing he went up and sang at the top of his voice..

"Pyar huaaa, ikraar huaa hai,
pyar se ab kyu darta hai dil,

Deluxe Nirodh, bharat ka sabse jyada bikne wala....."

The teacher immediately shifted two kids from his lap, and cleared his throat and declared recess.

Those days I thought pedophilia was some disease supposed to be cured by homeopathy. So in due course of time I learnt various connotations of the word love. Student- teacher love, Teacher - student (ahem!), parents->kids, first salary->fresher, I-banker->job portals, Govinda -> Karishma kapoor/Raveena..etc. But what we are gonna discuss here is the ladka-ladki, Chora-chori wala love…

1) The Small town Bunty babli –

Picture a scrawny chokra wearing a hip-bone hugging, crotch strangulating, Monkey washed Jeans, held by a belt, on the Metallic buckle of which, a skull and two pistols are encrusted.
He runs his fingers through his hair every 30 nanoseconds, and stares at any female down the street by his mental X-ray vision. (mann ki aankhe baccha) He has a “Iski bhen ki kya maal hai!” attitude towards any remotely feminine object. He has invested a total of 75 rupees to get his hair straightened. The neighborhood barber is his soul mate, who sometimes asks for his balance 25 rupees.

He refers to his ‘Babli’ as his “Setting” and frequents a certain cybercafé (which charges 75 rupees an hour and offers police raid immunity) with his setting. The cybercafé is a classy one, which even has (carefully) installed web-cams in the cubicles for the customer’s perusal (although they somehow forgot to put computers in the cubicles), but the couples inside never notice. Innocent souls.

They fix their meetings while the girl is attending her saheli ka birthday and the boy has an extra class at his Maths tuition (at least according to the parents) .

Such couples when they reach the metros they can be found at bandstand(Mumbai), (where one of them ‘bends’ while the other ‘stands’) or may be deflowering behind the flowers at the Lodi garden in Delhi.
Once on a valentine’s day while bunty n babli were at the bandstand sitting under a large umbrella, someone poked bunty in the ribs from behind with a stick.

“Tuzhe Naav Kay Aahey? (What’s your name?)

“Ummmm…RamNaresh yadav”

“Tumhi Bhaiyaa Aahey”

“Aaahe *flurry of slaps*…aayyyyyy”

A bhaiya celebrating Valentine ’s Day in Mumbai under a large rainbow umbrella. Priceless.

He’s the Fraandship scrapper, who has his profile name embellished with strange symbols and he has written some 5 different plagiarized word-art testimonials to Babli.

Besides babli is one giggly creature which giggles at the drop of a hat (and other clothing accessories as well). She is the one who’s completing her B kaam/BCA/fashion designing ka course from the neighborhood college since the big bang. Enough words dedicated to them now, lets move on to the next category.

2) Long distance lovers :-

“Mere piya gaye Rangoon, le gaye RIM ka telephoon”.

A sure shot way to spot a person who belongs to this particular category is by noticing that he/she carries two cell phones, one of them is a regular one with MMS clips in the memory card and non-veg forwards in the Inbox, and the other phone which looks like a Super Nirma saabun ki tikiya after 20 days of rigorous use.

Each time one of the “bicchde panchhi” picks up his/her phone to call that special one, the inferior Ambani grins wide. And don’t expect the couple to talk about the Gaza crisis or the Pakistani instability, Overheard from one such repartee.

Boy :“Tumhe pata hai, kal raat naa tum mere sapne me aayi thi, aur phir maine tumhe aise zor se pakad liya * giggles”

Girl :“hatt badmaash…Tum naa bade “Wo” ho..*giggles*!!”

Boy: “*Showers some kisses* “

Girl : “Hum jo baate karte hai agar kisi ne sun liya to, …ufff.. pata nahee kya hoga” //most common line

Boy : “heehee…Sachhee me”

Girl : “waise ek baat bataao, kal to hum saari raat baat kar rahe the, phir tumhe sapna kab aaya”

Boy : “Errr…ummm…Saari raaaat kya...wahee mai kahoo subah uthh ke mere kaano me dard kyu ho raha hai” :P :P

Boring as it may sound, but ask them and they’ll say time flies, (with the phone balance of course). Their phone bill each month equals their house rent. These ghosts wander the terraces of their buildings late night. Be there at your terrace at around 11-12 pm in the night, and you’ll find these ghosts floating on different terraces, showering kisses and passing on sweet nothings. (This case is valid only if you are not one ghost yourself).

3) The matured lovers: -

This is the most dormant of the lot, who have been members of the above mentioned categories during the heydays of their relationship. But now they are in their late 20’s and at least one of them is being forced into “ladka dekh lo/ladki pasand kar lo” ritual. Now is the time to break in the news to the family.

Tense times, that’s why you would see them sipping away at coffee shops with tense faces and having small-talk between sips.
By this time they have at least one confidante in the family who knows about the “chakkar”. :P . This is the point of inflection for them; They can either call it over, or may be dare to declare. DDLJ nahee hota re real life me.

Gladly “My pyar hua ikraa hua” wala bachpan ka dost is still rollicking in the second category, and now he knows which is the largest selling one and more importantly why. ;)

Please find the second part of this post here