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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Poll Dance

5th april, 2009 : We have some Breaking news here! In an All party general meeting here in delhi, it has been decided that the general elections this year are gonna be relocated to foreign countries citing security reasons. The decision wasn't unanimous, but due to some heavy under-the-table-trafficking which was sponsored by VIP and Samsonite a consensus was reached. Talk of the MPs living out of the suitcase.

All the rallies, rath yatras, speeches, meetings will be televised on camera to be shown to the Indian viewers back home. The politicians will be counting on the Indian diaspora from the bay area to turn up in huge numbers for the processions and speeches, and shout slogans like "Sadhu yadav Zindabad".

7th april, 2009 : We are reporting live from Peshawar in Pakistan, where Varun gandhi has just finished his speech, He enjoyed a good turnout here in Peshawar amidst security fears. Our sources tell us that, out of the 100 people who turned up, 98 of them were suicide bombers, so when they saw everyone around them of their own clan, they decided against it. The two other lucky (ass)souls were my cameraman and I. We caught up with Varun after his speech.

"Hi Varun, How do you feel campaigning in pakistan, Your speech has stirred the youth here"

"Yeah! I'll amputate them, hell yeah! I'll slaughter ...bloodshed...f**king drone attacks, "

"But even your own party is shying away from your extremist point of view!!"

*sees a man with a beard, fiddling with his waist-band nearby* "What extremism! we are a peace loving secular party! Every religion wants harmony and..."

"But you just said that a few seconds back..."

"What did i say? You mediawaalahs want to frame every gandhi under the sun and every son under a gandhi...it must have been doctored
..*turns back and breathes fire* Who dubbed that for me.. .i am being framed.."

*the reporter turns to the other leader who has been listening all this* "I can't help, until it's proved with e...evidence in... *reads from a chit or paper*... in a court of law"

*while the bearded gentleman is still fiddling with his waistband*

Back to the studio.

Overheard: A water cooler conversation between two suicide bombers :-

" 'sup dude, i heard two of your team mates are going on an onsite assignment"

"*sighs* lucky assholes sucked their way up, and what am i doing here?? bloody local bombings- Quetta, Kabul or at most Peshawar...it sucks man..no challenge, no value addition to your resume', no media exposure...bah.."

"Office politics dude, it kills slow.."

"Seriously man i am planning to move on...Now i have a family to support...I can't take it anymore..IPL, Commonwealth, G8 summit... so many on-site opportunities and the bloody manager wants me to whoop sorry pashto asses, i am gonna request the HRs to get me transferred to the sleeper cell division"

"Holy grail dude!..sleeper cell....every rookie wants to be there..nothing like it"

"Hmmm...Anyways I heard you too have been nominated for that chemical weapons training...the training rooms have been booked for two days i guess"

"Yea-ah! some Libyan smart ass is gonna come....i am gonna peacefully sleep through it"

"Good luck mate! and I have this presentation to make, which my boss is gonna present to the madarsas in karachi tomorrow morning..Aargghh...Deadlines i tell you ..."

"My friend, in our profession, Deadline is a time when our (life)lines are dead"

"Philosophical !!"

9th May 2009 : We have a showdown at our hands : Manmo hensing (great uncle of Van helsing who maintains the puns in this post are of poor quality) vs Shared power (who believed his name is a misnomer) are both gunning for the prime ministerial nomination from the ruling alliance. Shared power, the president of the country's cricketing board as well, is in no mood of sharing any power or even power-cuts. He's campaigning in New-zealand to at least coax Jeetan patel in voting for his cause.

In other news a quote that made the headlines : -

"Aim for the Prime minister"

said by Kaanshiram to Mayawati.
said by a Talibani commander to his sniper.

To be continued....

Labels:

12 Mirch lagi kya?? paani piyo yaha..

Blogger Shashank said...

brilliant stuff... the analogy betweeb the terrorists and IT professionals was mindblowing..and so were the last 3 lines...

1:21 AM  
Blogger ARUNA said...

hey tht's very nicely written.....waiting for the continuation!

10:22 AM  
Blogger The Misdirected Arrow said...

loved the water cooler conversation and agar mayawati PM bani to main India chhod rahi hun... I think Chechneya ya bosnia naam ke kisi desh me basna better rahega!

11:45 PM  
Anonymous Shyam said...

Applause applause...mazza aaya :)

10:57 PM  
Blogger Vandita said...

great stuff abhi...
loved the water cooler convo
waiting for the next part

3:33 AM  
Blogger Vaibhav Lall said...

hey....vstng ur blog fr the frst time and wil defnlty cuntniue cumin bak...!! :)
niice post....creative mind huh...!!
waitng fr the next part...!

3:59 AM  
Blogger Sam said...

the cooler convo takes the cake mate!! awesome!!

4:14 AM  
Anonymous WSW said...

Lolz!

Office polictics in Taliban too..damn!! Does the glass ceiling exist as well?

2:04 PM  
Blogger Rushabhh Gandhi said...

Awesome..Awesome...Awesome....

The Varun Gandhi Conversation...
Coz Day bfore yesterday headlines said... Varun Gandhi is issued with a non bailable warrant.. I guess we all know what a Nob Bailable means... and today... Varun Gandhi Get a Bail.....
What?? '

How???

3:23 PM  
Anonymous enchantinganki said...

current issues!!
hmmm.....

varun gandhi ko padhvao plzz....

mast hai re!!

enchantinganki

11:13 PM  
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3:08 PM  

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