Monday, January 29, 2007

Akela Vijay kitne ke barabar hai -V

Aag hi Aag as vijay promised...(burnol laaye ho naa uncle!!). Vijay is overwhelmed with the "badle ki aag". Baauji proved to be a sapere kaa saanp and hence ended up in the ICU fighting his "Zindagi aur maut ke beech ki ladaai" as the bespectacled Doctor puts it. Dukhiyaare maa is sure to be bathing in glycerin for the amount of tears she sheds (unit is Lps liters per second).

As pyaari behena's pyre disappears in flames in the foreground, the camera focuses on the ‘Tide safed kurta pyjama’ clad Vijay in the background. He stands there with a lump in his throat and tear dried eyes. He is burning inside. And guess who is there to console him.

"Dil me hai khudaai, haath me kalam,
Allaah ka banda wo, Naam hai Aslam "

( I was so tempted to add a maa kasam in the end :D )

Aslam chacha,(Shafi inaamdaar) a 40+, calm and level headed wise man of shanti nagar. He is the secular face of the movie. Whenever the camera focuses on him you can hear an ajaan in the background. He is a five time namaajee. He speaks a shade thicker urdu and is an accomplished author.
He has at least 10 sher-o-shayari books to his name which are sold by the 10-15 yr old boys in local trains and buses along with other notable titles like Jeeja-saali jokes, kamsin jawaani, Mastram to name a few.
(Ab pata chala naa kyu hai uske "haath me kalam")

Everybody respects the words of Aslam chacha.And so he says to vijay:

" Vijay!! Mai tumhaare dil ka haal bakhoobi samajh sakta huu..lekin jazbaat ki aandhi me koi aisa koi kadam mat uthaana...Allaah in darindo ko aisee maut bakshega jisey dekh kar inki roohey bhi kaanp uthengi"

Vijay explodes "Aslam Chachaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Alllaaaah ne mujhe chuna hai inn kutto ko maut dene ke liye..apni behen ke aansu ki ek ek boond ka badla, Inke khoon ko pee kar chukaayega Vijay"

Ooops dengue ke mosquitoes ke liye competition!! Vijay is obviously fed up with the cola wars and wants to drink something Manly. (Food for thought : kyaa khoon peene se bhi HIV transmit hota hai..chumma lene se to nahee hota..itna to pata hai :D ).

Elsewhere In the girls hostel Tina is somber, But she is still unsure, whether she should pay a visit to Vijay’s dad in the 'I See You' or not. She is sitting near the window resting her head on her stretched arm. Her sahelies gather around. This is what I call the "Saheli act" . One of the saheli with the longest choti speaks up

" Tina !! ye tum kyaa kar rahee ho!! In mushkil haalaato me vijay ko tumhaaree sakht zaroorat hai!! Agar tum use samhaalogi nahee to wo toot jaayega"

2nd saheli : "Iodex aur Pyaar ke malham se koi bhi chot theek ho jaati hai"

3rd : "Itni patthardil mat bano Tina. Tumhaare dil aur vijay ke Biceps me koi farak nahee reh gaya hai"

Tina is unflinched, coz she has her ears plugged into the cricket commentary for the Ranji trophy match between goa and haryana. Yet she can guess what her friends want her to do. And so she jumps into her song-n-dance outfits. But the front benchers in the theater have their fists clenched and lips bitten. So ab to maar peet hi hogii.

Vijay and Aslam chacha head for the police station. This was Aslam chacha's idea who instructed vijay earlier " kaanoon ko apne haath me mat lo"....

2 madhumakhhi continued....


Thursday, January 25, 2007

Jhel lo Yaaron...- IV

*As expected some dialogues may be offending..plz ignore them*

Now this scene has in store, for what 'Vicky and his friends' as well as ‘Me and my friends’ were waiting for. Front bench in the theater is where we have grown up. Balcony is a mandarin word for us.
Coming back to the scene, After tasting Vicky's "action ke joote kaa sole" umpteen times, Vicky the anti-hero has his "garam khoon" gushing through "all" his veins. (Should i type a semi colon and a right parentheses here??)..

With his pappaji as MLA Vicky can drive around in his open air jeep to de-chastise this world. He has nothing to lose, not even his virginity which he claims he lost before he lost his first tooth.

( Aage ki benches par baithne waale dosto se mera request hai ki iss poore post ko notepad me paste karke "Find" option me "Rape" word type karke search kare aur phir waha se padhna shuru kare)..

He was born with biker gloves on. He developed a taste for black leather underwears since an early age. When he was delivered into this world the first thing he did was hand-comb the few strands of hair he had on his skull. The doctor dint waste any time in declaring the results of "the genetic lottery". He was a boy and a bad boy at that.

When he was about two years old a newly wed Punjabi couple was invited to dinner at his place, pappaji was a Party worker that time. Vicky hadn't spoken his first words till that time.

The young punjabi aunty was living up to her name, her provocative and slinky attire attracted quite a few pervert glances from pappaji's part (sadashiv) as well.
Incidentally vicky was in deep sleep when the couple arrived. The Punju aunty expressed a wish to wake him up herself.

"khushi se" said the parents.

And then She bent over Vicky and in a sweet voice chirped

"Vicky baba uthh jaao!!".

Vicky woke up in a flash. He looked at aunty’s red pouting lips and then the naughty boy's gaze shifted to aunty's cleavage (which was showing off as she bent over). And he shouted..

"MAAA...." it was the first meaningful word from his mouth. Papaji and mummyji had their eyelashes soggy. It was a big moment. But surprisingly junior Vicky was pointing to the aunty and kept repeating the same word: - "Maaa..."

"No beta mai to aapki aunty huu...aapki maa to ye hai" again she chirped to no avail.

"Maaaa..." he kept pointing his finger towards her. The couple was caught off guard

And then he made sense when he corrected himself...

"Maaa....L" "Maaa..L" "MaaaL" . His father was overwhelmed. He couldn't agree more with his small son. I heard that the couple never visited their place since then.

(Arey tamatar mat maaro yaaro abhi likhna shuru karta hu kahaani !! )

A rape taking Shape..

Somehow Vicky finds out Vijay’s address. He and his clan (consists of curly haired gundaas with names like Tony, balwaa etc.) drive in an open air jeep to "Shanti nagar", where the hero's humble family resides.

The motto of the colony is "Jahaa aman chain basta hain". Not for long as The jeep is loaded with hockey sticks and cycle chains (the baddie group's arsenal). The jeep screeches to a halt just outside Vicky’s house. Vicky jumps out. The mohallawaalaas are suspicious. They have sniffed that "unki mohalle ki behen betiyo ki izzat-aabroo khatre me hai"..the semi naked kids cease running around and are searching desperately for their 'chaddeess' lest Vicky has some other ideas of fun....samajh rahe ho naa dost!!

Vicky announces "Abey tony!! maine suna hai ki Vijay ki behen jawaan ho gayee hai??"

The curly haired Tony retorts "Arey suna kyaa maine to dekhaa bhi hai..falo se ladaa ped hai bilkul..*cold sigh*"

"Achaa!! Haa waise bhi mere baap ne mujhe pedo par chadhna bachpan me hi sikhaaya tha!! Aaj iss ped ke fal bhi chakh lete hai !!"

And they barge in the house. Vijay is of course away. But Baauji (Suresh oberai) is there in the house. Maaji is bed-ridden due to a "laa-ilaaz" beemari. "jiske operation me bahut paise lagte hai ". The jawaan Beti is choking her lungs out in the chulha. As vicky enters the house. Bauuji on his baisaakhi stands between his beti and vicky.

"Kaun ho tum!! aur tumhaaree himmat kaise huyee ghar me ghusne kii"

A evil tune plays in the background

" Baau ji!! Pata hai naa!! Sapere ke saanp aur jawaan beti ke langde baap se koi khatra nahee hotaa..."

Bauuji is furious he flashes one of his baisaakhies (crutches) towards Vicky, in an attempt to dismantle his vital equipment which poses danger to his daughter's virginity. Vicky is alert he takes hold of the baisaakhi and snatches it from bauuji. He hits baauji on the head, and gives his daughter enough reason to scream her lungs out.

Now she is on the floor crying for help. Vicky has to deliver one more kick-ass dialogue before he gets down to business.

"Saali ,tere bhaai ne mujhe khujli waala kutta kaha tha naa, kutiya ab tu hi meri jism ki khujli mitaayegi"

He struggles with her. The front benchers are waiting with bated breath for some thing to pop out. They are examining each frame of the scene with acute concentration. They don't want to miss on any such frame which will lead to their disappointment when they come out of the theater and one of their friend comes up to them and says

"Arey yaar tune dekhaa nahee uss scene me jab vicky uss ladki ke saath jabardasti kar raha tha tab ek scene me...............shit!! yaar tune miss kar diya"

back to the scene..

"Mujhe chhod do!! aaah aah!!.......... bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chhod do....ahh!!" she wails

Vicky is adamant to enlist virgins in the endangered species list. After some 5 minutes or so Vicky rises and wipes his lips and chin. Job's done. Khujli mit gayee. The whole mohalla watches in horror as Vicky and gang leave the scene in their jeep.

Vijay's sis is in a state of shock. She locks herself up in a room. And what follows is as obvious as the outcome of Bhutan vs. Brazil soccer match.

She hangs herself.

Vijay is home by this time. He was waiting for her sis to hang herself..( Mai kyaa karoo yaar script me yahee hai). He knocks down the door. Vijay is shocked…And then he cries wrapping her arms around his sis..( it cost the producer few liters of glycerin)

The hero vows

"Behena!! Mai kasam khaata hu ki teri chitaa ki raakh thandee hone se pehle mai uss vicky kaa sar kaat ke tere paas le aaunga...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " ( Taliban guys are u listening!!??)

Aag hi aag!!! wait for more aag...agli baar 'burnol' lagaa ke padhna :)

To be continued...........


Sunday, January 21, 2007

The Making... - III

The scene shifts to the grand hostel-bathroom, with an array of cubicles. (The same bathroom has been rechristened to a call centre now) The hirsute extras supposed to be the students are irrigating their bushy chest hair under the shower. The Lifebuoy lather acts as a fertilizer to the cultivation. Nearly all the cubicles are occupied and queues have lined up.

The striped "kachhaa" clad brats are still ignorant of the fact that wearing jockey is the next best thing to be naked. For the poor and innocent souls it still is an "aaraam kaa maamla hai" and for the few other shy guys "ye andar kii baat hai".

The official bad boy Vicky (Mohneesh behl) has arrived with his friends for a "social bath". Apna chandu,(the bespectacled fatso) who looks like the son of Bappi lahiri is waiting for his turn to hit the shower.

The wicked gang nears the queue, and Vicky picks up chandu's towel from his shoulder and blows his nose into it and returns the towel. Chandu is furious deep down but he's looking as pissed as Irfan pathan.
This is how Vicky and gang has been instructed to have fun. The bad boy is High five-ing the other members of the gang. The bathroom is echoing with their cackle.

Nandu readjusts his 2kg lens. He gathers courage to speak against vicky.

"Vicky tumne ye mere saath theek nahee kiyaa!! tumne dobaara aisa kuchh kiyaa to ACHAA NAHEE HOGAA!!"

"Abey Munceepaalti ke gandee naali ke Suar !! Saale jab mai sandaass se baahar nilkalta hu to tere jaise 50 haraamkhor mera pichhwaada chaatne aa jaate hai. Aur chaat ke aisa saaf karte hai ki dhone ki bhi jaroorat nahee padti!!"

(sandass= toilet, pichhwaada= posterior)

And then in a fit of anger he slaps him hard. Chandu's specs hit the floor.
"Mera chashma !! Mera chashma.." he wails. Without the specs he is as blind as a bat with cataract.

"Chashma chahiye tujhe!! saale Tere baap ne chashma nahee pehna tha time par isiliye tu paida ho gaya!!"
his friends guffaw. They kick around with his specs. Chandu is on his knees wailing and chasing the clinks of his glasses. Then in a Ronaldinho feat vicky sends the specs flying in the air. A "hairy magar solid haath" catches the specs. He is here. The MAN.

" Vickeeeeeeeeeee!! Tu wo khujli waala kutta hai jo sirf sadak par Cycle chalaane waalo ko kaata karta hai, lekin jab tujh jaisaa kutta kisi truck se takraata hai to uska anjaam kyaa hota hai...wo main ab tujhe bataaunga"

And he jumps and then what follows leads Bruce lee and Newton to play Daandiya with each other up there in heaven. "Beaten to a pulp" would be a gross understatement to describe Vicky's condition.

All of them are now facing the "college ke principal" who knows all the boys by their first names ( I don't know how he remembers) . He says

"Shayyyyme on you!!! Tumhe pata hai humaare college ki iss sheher me bahut izzat hai, rutbaa hai. Tumne iss college ke Dissepleene aur Roolshh and regulayshann ko todaa hai.Tumhe iski sajaa milegi...Vijay aur vicky mai tum dono ko One month Sushpension!! deta hu"

Vijay: "Magar principal saab meri baat to sun....."

"Mujhe tumhaaree koi baat nahee sun ni hai..the Disheejan is laasht and final..Mai aisee gushtaakhiyaa bardaasht nahee kar sakta"

Vijay comes out all heavy hearted..He thinks of his dukhiyaaree maa and his bin byaahee behen..

Vicky comes out enraged...and he thinks about Vijay's bin byaahee behen too...A Hot and spicy vengeance is on the cards...( the front benchers in the theater wake up adjacent persons and are all rubbing their palms together in anticipation with knees together )

Tina is feeling sorry for Vijay and Anuradha paudwal is clearing her throat now. The swiss alps beckon the love birds. The movie is set up..:)

To be Continued....( hehe!! gaali mat do yaaro..agli baar khatam kar dunga Maa kasam :D )


Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The making of a perfect nineties' movie - II

Scene 2:

The next setting is at the college canteen where ' hero and uske dost' are busy dissecting the finer details of the "maghroor lekin haseen" girl's anatomy. The whole pack has bunked the economics class citing the reason as "Economics is for Sardarjis" (then Finance minister Manmohan singh).

Vijay takes a sip from the gold-spot bottle and sighs-

"Aaahhhh!! Upar waale ne bade fursat se banaaya hai iss cheez ko..Yaar iss haseena ne mera dil chura liyaa !!"

The whole bunch sighs in melancholic unison.

Then one of the sidies speaks up one of the few dialogue lines allotted to him..

" Vijay usey tu apne dil kaa haal bata de !! yaar Doordarshan kaa chitrahaar aur Sacche pyaar ke izehaar ko kabhi miss nahee karna chahiye"

Everybody shifts on their feet and shouts in chorus “Haaan Haaan".

Then out of nowhere the canteen owner jumps in to share the screen with the hero. The owner (Tiku talsania) pleads

"Tu mere paise kab lautaayega Vijay..tere udhaaro ki list tere baalo ki tarah lambi hoti jaa rahi hai"

Then what followed was as unpredictable as rabri devi dancing to "Hips don't lie".
The owner has been 'taken for a ride' and the group has just come out of the canteen after devouring on free Samosas and limca.

Now someone hands a ‘laal gulaab’ to our hero to present it to Tina (Raveena tandon). Vijay is wearing a pretty oversized shirt with floral prints and with his collars up, he approaches towards her. After pumping enough air in Vijay the sidies sit back to enjoy the show. Super slow motion camera at work.

The heroine is coming from the opposite direction keeping two random notebooks pressed against her breasts. She's accompanied by her 'sahelis' who giggle at the drop of a hat. And anybody can bet a million dollars they are not discussing Israel's nuclear policy.

Our hero with a spring in his step and a gleam in his eyes, draws close to the damsel. They confront each other. The giggles subside. The wind is dead. The classes halt.
The moment has come.

They look in each other's eyes. Hero turns around once to look at his friends who give thumbs up to him. He draws the "laal gulaab" from under his sleeve in a magical act and says in his baritone voice.

"Tinaaaahh !! I LOVE youuu!!"

"Youuhhh!! Tumhaaree himmat kaise huyee...." she raises her hand to slap him.

Vijay siezes her arm in mid air

"You Issshhtupid chhodo mera haaath...ahh ahhh!! " she cries in pain

Then our hero delivers the ultimate kick ass dialogue of the movie

"Ek baar jo pakdaa tera haath sanam,
chhodenge naa ise hum saato janam,
guroor hoga tumhe apne husn kaa,
par Jawaan hum bhi kam nahee, maa kasam"

(For this piece the dialogue writer has been awarded a bonus by the producer.)

Vijay throws her arm and then turns around. The sidies are overawed and they cackle at a distance. They are all gaga over him. And why not, he's the hero.

Then a tune begins to play in the background and the sidekicks assemble in a formation behind the hero's back. Kumar shanu at work. Anuradha paudwal has to wait for her chance till the hero actually pataaos the girl.

The sidekicks synchronize their steps with the hero. The pelvic thrust delivered by a group of students together is a proud moment for the Physical training teacher of the college. At least the students are religious to one subject.

In between the song one of the professors (Asrani) looks up from his glasses and gives a pervert smile to one of the female lecturers (Bindu). Madam sharmaa gayee. The students swear there is something fishy going on between them.
The hero tries to woo the girl throughout the song. But she's is not impressed instead she is furious.

"Ye ladka samajhta kyaa hai apne aap ko !! "

Then suddenly a piece of news breaks in. One of the sidies "the bespectacled fatso" is being beaten to pulp by Vicky’s (Mohneesh behl) gang in the common hostel bathroom.
The hero is courageous to the core. He rushes to the spot. Time for some Martial arts. :)

To be continued....


Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Making of a perfect 90's movie

Scene 1:

The great ancient college, the Royal hatchery of all romantic adventures (be it among students or lewd professors), drama embedded with sad kumar shanu songs, skirmishes with a dash of karate and hockey sticks, dollops of deceit or "dhokhaa" courtesy "The Sadashiv amrapurkar-Tinu anand" school of thought and a 24x7 Canteen with brittle tables and chairs, this is what sums up a kick ass early nineties' movie.

The producers care a rat's fart for what will be the name of the college. And for the viewers the nomenclature is as important as the name of Mongolia’s election commissioner.
So here's the star cast (note the alternatives as well)

The college dude Apna hero, Vijay...( Ajay devgan/ Govinda)

The nakhre waali ladki, Tina ( Raveena tandon / Aayesha julka / Karishma kapoor)

The bad boy, at least 10 colg girls have fallen prey to his "zism ki bhookh", Vicky (Mohneesh behl / Aaditya pancholi)

Bad boy's papa, with more political "links" than a wikipedia page, MLA Ranjeet singh (Sadashiv Amrapurkar)

The shrewd Business man, the crafty hotelier and the jigree dost of ranjeet singh, Singhania
( Tinu Anand)

The never smiling man, the tense Papaji of the heroine, and also a Tinu anand’s employee, JeewanLaal (Kulbhushan Kharbanda)

Hero's khuddar papa, feel sorry for him he's crippled and unemployed Baauuji (Suresh Oberai)

And lot of other quintessential actors like, Mcmahon, Atul agnihotri, shakti kapoor, jagdeep, tiku talsania, Tom alter , Brownie etc also feature in the movie

The first frame of the movie is an aerial shot of the deemed college located somewhere in aamchi Mumbai. Vijay (ajay devgan) is one not so bright student of the colg. His mark sheet resembles Bhutan’s Olympics medals tally. But then geeks never have scored anything with the pretty girls of the college. The filmy history shows the geeks have been completing the notes for the damsels for ages to no avail, they get nothing but for a cheeky "Thanks ramesh !! mai tumhaara ehsaan nahee bulaa sakti " and then she rushes to the garden Coohie-cooing with the college hunk.

The basic minimum eligibility rules for a desi college hero of the 90’s:-

1) He should have at least 2 kg of hair mass over his head.
2) He should have at least 2 pairs of air tight jeans and "Action ke sports shoes".
3) He should be deep in debt to the college canteen.
4) He should have a "Dukhiyaaree maa" and an "unwed behen"(sister) (who will be raped/killed/maligned at a later time by the anti-hero elements.)

In addition to these he rears a battery of sidekicks consisting of failed actors, TV stars, and erstwhile child artists. These personnel give him company in the canteen, encourage him to woo the heroine, assemble at the back of the hero and synchronize their dancing steps with him at the drop of a hat every time a tune is played in the background. These guys come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and infest on the hero's canteen balance.

Now one fine day as these guys were idling around in the college corridor brooding over kimi kaatkar's sex appeal, Johny(a random sidekick) exclaimed

" Kasam paida karne waale ki kyaa item hai, abey yaaro wo dekho, hoor ki paree aa rahee hai….aaye haaye kyaa latke jhatke haii..*sighhh*"

Eye balls of every one in the group virtually pop out. The bespectacled fatso's thick lenses get frosted.

There she is the at the far end of the corridor briskly cat walking, our girl of the movie, the desi damsel 'causing' distress.
The camera is fixed at her posterior as she walks in slow motion. The students lining the corridor are gasping. She is wearing a black shimmering outfit, Needle sharp high heels and black translucent stockings. The amount of lipstick on her lips is sufficient to manufacture a pack of candles. And the ear rings are as large as handcuffs. Even the professors are readjusting their glasses to have a good look.

As she nears the esteemed pack vijay rolls up his sleeve, hand combs his hair and makes a shashi kapoor face and waits expectantly looking at her. The sidekicks are holding their breath.The moment has come.

She arrives and throws a glance at vijay.

"Huhhh!!" she curses loaded with a ton of snobbery.

Meet Tina ( Raveena tandon). A typical "maghroor" ladki as Vijay proclaims. There are limited words in her dictionary for boys. "You isshhtupid chhodo mera haath!!", "You bloody idiaattt", "Shut up Youuu". Ahh the perverts love that.

"Iss ladki kaa guroor todnaa padega!!" vows Vijay. The seed is planted. :)

Scene 2:

To be continued…..


Friday, January 12, 2007

A cold n scary january afternoon

A super cliché to start with A very happy new year to all of you . I know i am the 3, 99, 457th guy to wish you. But kyaa kare ganguly ki kasam project work bahut zaalim cheez hai. A trip to chennai was inevitable to project my work to the concerned faculty. PowerPoint ki jai ho!!. Bill gates ko Election ka ticket do!! :D

A LOT happened during this period of time, my roomie got a call from IIM-A (the treat is due, which will be sooner then the eviction of Shilpa from Big brother), I got officially DP'ed (desipundit), and …err... I forgot what else happened Heehee!!

Last night when I was flipping thru the TV channels at an express speed ( which could have been measured in fps: frames per second...nahee samajh aaya :( mujhe bhi nahee aaya :P) I had man's 2nd greatest invention i.e. the TV remote in my one hand and a humble cup of tea in the other. Just a minute back I was holding on to a slice of toast watching the sleepy celebrities on 'Bigg Boss'. When the discussion dwindled to smelly armpits and unwashed undies I had to reach out for my remote. But when I tried to embark on another flipping spree the remote got stuck, Zee cinema was the featured channel. Despite murdering the remote button mercilessly "Movies masti magic" were the only keywords which were echoing in my room with a dash of Telebrands.
A smack was what it needed i thought. Well a tight smack is what sets every thing all right. Be it living or non-living. But when I did, i felt , and i realized. hehehe!!!

"Wo TV ka remote thaa mere dost,
Which u dipped in,samajh ke your toast"

Yepp!! My remote drank half of the tea I had in my ( grr...not so humble) cup. I dint know caffeine has a reverse effect on remote controls. My favorite tool never woke up since then, *sniff* something which I held before clasping a pencil.
Boy o Boy when mum will take charge in the evening and will try to shuttle between Star plus, Zee , Sony with a dysfunctional caffeine addicted remote my condition will be like being Venkatpathy raju facing Brett lee and Shane bond at the same time without wearing any pads and helmet.
And if u think I can get away with an excuse, then you are as innocent as a caterpillar.
"Mom se bachna mushkil hi nahee naa mumkin hai"

Zee cinema was about to show a matinee movie, some random early nineties' movie. Gladly Mithun didn’t feature in the casting. That was a good enough reason for me to watch the movie. Arey yaar !! For me the main controls on the TV set seemed to be lightyears away. So I had to put up with the movie. Details about the movie in the next post. Till then pray for me. Bill gates bachaao!! :(