Monday, January 25, 2010

Sunday to Monday

On a Sunday afternoon, trying to put together a write-up (I must add after polishing off two Avian Limbs with gravy), is as arduous as trying to whitewash the nearest building with a toothbrush. Seriously, what a generous Sunday-lunch does to a foodie is what Narco-analysis does to tainted ministers.

And to top it all, lack of sleep the previous night makes matters worse, (especially when you have started with the season opener of LOST at 10 last night). As you stare at the monitor plucking words off the screen by your eyelids, the waft of sleep intoxicate you, slowly decapitate you of your senses, and in no time it feels like you are carrying two software-engineering textbooks on your eyelashes.

Being in such a state, expecting something intelligible to escape from the keyboard to the laptop-screen is highly improbable, and the article looks more like a result of an extended session of FIFA-play, while your word document was open. Tackle-LongPass-Shoot-PublishBlog.

I switched on the TV to keep me from passing out, and suddenly I was caught up in a socio-political ad in which cross-border dumb-charades was being enacted. ‘Aman ki asha’ they call it, looks to me, like an effort to fart out loud when the stomach is running. Poor fellas, to their misery, IPL (Indo-Pak love) is as dead as a Sohail tanveer in a Bajrang dal office.

Flipping past the Sun tvs and the Vijaya tvs and their various off shoots - showing buxom actresses flapping their love-handles trying to keep step with the over ecstatic hero at some foreign locale - I settled for Dance India Dance on Zee. Mithun da sitting alongside Salman khan, both trying to outwit each other, and some deft dancing from the contestants, made good afternoon TV viewing. But it lasted until one of the judges exclaimed after one act, "Chummeshwari performance", as he blowed a kiss to a female participant. Goodness gracious, I searched for my remote, as if it was a screaming family member buried under post-earthquake rubble. Mute. PowerOff. Peace.

Focus shifted to my twitter timeline for some canned inspiration. And guess what I see there - "Arjun rampal wins the national award in the best supporting actor category". I gasped for breath as I searched for the tag #fakingnews appended to the tweet but to no avail. It was indeed breaking news.#fail. This was as ridiculous as watching the pirated version of Avatar on your Ipod nano.

Sometimes I feel my timeline looks like a green-peace protest rally, as the tweets look more like protest-march-placard text. Chill maaro yaaro.
And there are celeb-tweets, invariably followed by a smart-ass twitterer pointing out the spelling mistakes of the aforementioned tweet. Surely for them, getting a life in addition to getting one full blooded "Fukoff" as a reply from the celeb, are two of the resolutions for the new year. And the Glamour dolls have nothing to "loose" here on twitter, "definately" more followers are gonna throng "there" timelines, their #grammargandu-isms notwithstanding and with that I rest my case here.

Saturday, before its death, had poured a refreshing Sunday into the cup of our lives. You take a few sips and before you could appreciate the taste and aroma, It has evaporated and, yeah, you snickering morons I am not on crack *hic*.
And for some of you who are still reading this at your workstations, Alt+tabbing to glory, don't get caught on the wrong tab, given you already got caught on the wrong job. Have a great week ahead. Btw can u tell me the score from the cricinfo tab you just whizzed past? I know Gambhir is putting up a 'Chummeshwari performance.'
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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Garam Bheja Fry LIVE!

Now Garam Bheja fry half plate(low calorie), will be delivered to you 24x7 (We work on public holidays also, infact we work the most on those very days). If you are on twitter, here is the link to follow :-

Garambhejafry at twitter

and if you are not on twitter, then you are as innocent as Pathiv patel's paaltu Khargosh. Join the Bandwagon. I'll be more than happy to trade tweets with you peepul. C ya there :)


Saturday, January 16, 2010

Garam Bheja Fry reloaded

Hello world! The GaramBhejaFry reporter welcomes you aaal. Long time isn't it?. Well, our correspondent had been super naturally busy, as busy as that Christiano Ronaldo is, peeling off girls from his torso. Some of the girls turned into tattoos, they say.

As most of you have pointed out that the count of posts published here in the past 3 months, is equal to the number of girlfriends you have, it’s high time I shove a post in here. Evidently, Plenty of Water tankers have passed under the bridge since I last updated this space.

Phew! Let me recollect.

We learnt about this ex-employee of Goldman sachs, Mr.bhagat, allegedly traumatised by a Credit crisis, when his name was relegated to the rolling credits of a movie, which rolled faster than a Mutual fund ad disclaimer. (MutualFundsAresubjecttomarketrisk....)

( Telemarketer: "Dear Mr bhagat, we are offering you a life time platinum Credit..."
CB : "Bah! I don't need it, I already have a lot of credit..."
TM : *giggle* Ahem!)

Heh! Credit crisis and Goldman sachs employees- A case of the chicken and egg. Who the faak was responsible, when you sold those stinking loans and jobs were lost? Huh??

"As you sow, so shall you reap"

- Farmville

And "an ugly duckling has entered your farm" ..that too.

Moving ahead; There was that Andy roddick who used to serve 3-love, after breaking the service twice, and now we have our very own Andy tiwari serving to 3-love(rs) after breaking in to the cervix more than twice for sure. (ha!). Tiwari ji ki Jai ho!

*pause for the reader to Google the term 'cervix' and get the juice of the previous sentence :D*

Lawn tennis and Yawn tennis. (Yawn as in Yawn rog :sponsored by Dr. Hashmi, who eternally operates from hotel sunshine, behind the bus stand)

(" yeah i want that...mmmm....yeah yeah..that one...uh uh...")

Those who say, this Dr. hashmi piece has been done to death on this blog, recollect your 'jawaani me kee gayee galtiyaan', and head out to offer your ‘tohfa’ for the world to ‘kabool’.

But then our GBF reporter has much more masala on news items, than you already pretend to know about. Our reporter will take it from here.

1) There was a special screening of the movie Pyar-impossible organised for Tushar kapoor, Mimmoh and Sohail khan, in which one of their very own - Uday chopra is shown to win his lady love, after coding an Operating system.

"Dhur shaala! Itna simpul" Mimmoh smirks.

He claims that if Uday chopra can code an operating system, he can bloody start tweeting from an ORPAT calculator, Poor little orang-utan, appeared in nearly 17 zoo-zoo ads without any makeup and costume, all in vain.


(Pappa!!, Check out my first tweet, "123456789123" watsay? Number of gundas my pappa has beaten to death in his career? please Retweet no pappa)

The three starlets came out of the theatre with eyelashes as soggy as Harbhajan singh's vest is, on the 3rd day of a Chennai test match. After watching the movie, the trio has sincerely vowed to remain side-kicks through-out their sorry lives, like the kind of people who back-slap the lead heroes with throwing in lines “yaar tu bilkul nahee badla”, “Aaj mai jo bhi hoon, sab teri vajah se hoon, mere dost!”.Aargh!

Almost all the people, who have seen the movie, are happily attaching the movie tickets along with their Tax saving documents and claiming tax benefits for the money spent as "Charity for Uday".

Meanwhile, GBF has learnt that the storywriter had tweeted the detailed story of the movie to Priyanka chopra some 6 months back, and had asked about the well being of her parents in the same tweet. Priyanka chopra, guessing by the story, inferred, that the role of Uday chopra in the movie was as substantial as that of a corner stool. (No, not *that* stool!), and she would ‘reign supreme’ (and not that Sabun ki tikiya too). Relieved, Priyanka chopra shot back with her standard "Good night tweeps! tomorrow is a big day for me, excited yet nervous, counting on your support" and slept off.

Corner stool for sure

Eventually it was proved - Priyanka and the Inferior chopra - Pair Impossible.

2. Our reporter just got this scoop from the CNN-IBN headquarters that the once-in-a-million-years-Solar-Eclipse will be a celestial event happening on a quarterly basis from now on. Those of you who had missed 'The-Solar-Eclipse-which-you'll-never-see-again-in-your-lifetime', few months back, can catch it again, this summer.

Mr ArNoob from Times Now, has prepared, what they call a "Breaking news template" in which they can readily fill values and flash it across their news channel in no time. The template goes like "Tharoor tweets _____.Senior leaders miffed", an idea as lame as this particular post on the blog.

3. In other news, Bappi lahiri has recently been recovered from a Muthoot Gold Finance locker, some asshole coaxed bappi da into coming along to the Muthoot office and before any bokachoda could help bappi da, he was nabbed by the Gold finance guys and somehow shoved into a locker. The reported asshole got two SBI ATMs full of cash in exchange. Ha! SBI Atms, which require tremendous amount of Embedded systems programming, before you can withdraw your hard(ly) earned money. Bappi da has turned into a Slab of flesh. What was he earlier then? Pshaw.

4. The Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world, was officially opened recently. Some people remarked that the idea of a suicide is not jumping off the top of Burj khalifa, but climbing up to the top, taking the stairs. Fair enough isn’t it? Now the paperwala will have to install a Bofors Gun on his bicycle to launch the rolled newspaper to the 96th floor waale Gupta ji’s door. Imagine the plight of the sabjiwala. The elevators of the building will be 2x2 semi-sleeper, and will have restrooms. Now the earth looks like a Ball-pin from space.

For All those who are new to this blog! I present to you the Best of GaramBhejaFry.

1. The Garambhejafry Dissection centre

2. FaceBhookh

3. Kutte mai tera khoon pee jaunga

4. The making of a Action se bharpoor 90's movie

Keep Visiting!