Tuesday, June 23, 2009

27 vital stats you must know

1) 67% of the self righteous elderly gentlemen believe that farting should be banned at petrol bunks citing it as a precautionary measure.

2) 57% of the youngsters do fart at petrol bunks after relieving their bums from the pillion seat after a long ride.

3) 81% of the old folks talk considerably loud while on an STD call.
4) 81% of engineering students talk loudly anyway.

5) 7.5% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss national politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

6) 0.0075% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss State politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

7) 65% of the people use their mobile-phones as a timepiece.

8) 73% of the boys who are wearing goggles look around pompously for any beautiful girl who's checking them out.

9) 58% of the people haven't completed reading Fountainhead/Atlas shrugged despite years of hard work put in.

10) 76% of the 14-24 Age group men still giggle seeing stray condom packets on the sidewalk or elsewhere.

11) 91% of the engineers have absolutely no idea as to what does an HR professional do in a day's work.

12) 87% of the 18-25 Age group people get excited seeing a vehicle bearing their home-state's license plate.
for example -: Upon seeing GJ-01-6789 "Ey ghel-chodyaaa!!!!"

13) 93% of the people belonging to the 20-30 age group use the words "Autowaalas" and "bastard" in the same sentence.

14) 89% of the people who refer Google maps before heading for an un-chartered territory or destination get terribly lost in their way.

15) 77% of the young men after washing their hands wipe their hands clean of water by gloving their hands in their respective jeans pant pockets.

16) In 75% of the high schools, Male absenteeism is at its peak just a day before Raksha bandhan.
The rest 25% schools are boys-only.

17) 93% of the 18-25 age group boys wear a super low waist jeans pant over a Jockey undergarment. So that even if they wear a Silk Kurta the label should show somehow.

18) 99.9% of the actors would never wear the undergarment brands they are endorsing.

19) 67% of the girls who are obese wear super tight tees and denim pants which are about to explode. (god knows why)

20) 81% of boys agreed to the fact that the first thing they do when they enter a coffee shop is to check whether any cute girl is sitting inside.

21) 87% of the people aged between 18-25 years mock at the alleged stupidity of the news items broad-casted by the Hindi news channels, 65% of the above youth have confessed watching those news items on a regular basis.

22) 87% of even the most liberal boys who see a girl on the pillion seat tightly clasping the male rider, use the words "indian culture", "tradition" and "girls character" in consecutive sentences.

99% of those boys would kill for being that male rider.

23) 73% of the people extremely detest those facebook users who claim to have an awesome time every five minutes, and they share this feeling every alternate day through their status msgs.

24) In 75% of the cases when there are 5 people to be dropped at their respective homes in a friend's car, then 90% of the passengers when starting from the same point, quicken their steps towards the front door to get that seat.

25) When boys thumb down messages on their cellphone while driving, 95% of those messages are intended for a female recipient.

26) 78% of the people who hang-up on escaping with saying "I'll call you later", never call back.

27) 2% of all times when a person looks in to the rear view mirror over his head, is for actually gauging the incoming traffic,

the rest :-

68% of the times checking out that hot female who's is this cousin of a friend, sitting in the back seat or may be the beauty behind the wheel driving right behind.
30% of the time showing his distaste through a cold stare to his friend for being coaxed into dropping some random tag-along bitchy female to the other end of the city.

Pick your top 3 and do tell me :) and do check out shashank fame gajabkhopdi's post for more of such viral stats.

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

GBF interviews Shiny ahuja, exclusive!

After two rapes in quick succession which took the Indian media by storm, ( we are not gonna discuss about the first incident of rape involving the Indian cricket team) the GBF reporter has sprung back into action (he is the In house Garam bheja fry reporter for the uninitiated). Expectantly he decided to carry out a sting operation, hoping to unravel the truth or fallacy behind the latest episode which has made its way in to the list of the seven man-maid wonders of the world.

He decides to oil the paandus at the police chauki and interview Shiny himself. And so he masquerades as a representative of the Bai Association of India, in short BAI, (lo how convenient is that). Nevertheless the reporter assures Shiny that he'll give a fair chance for him to explain his cause. And later he adds that it'll be as fair sending Dhoni back to jharkhand.

Our reporter has this habit of mumbling words after he finishes sentences, whatever he mumbles is not clearly audible to the listener. All that he mumbles will be in italics.

And so the interview begins.

"Hi Mr. Ahuja, I am a representative of BAI and I assure you that this interview won't touch upon those baseless reports going around in the media like the one in which your wife says you are completely innocent"

"Ohh umm..yeah go on"

"Lets talk about the new movie you have signed, your own real life story "Life in a Metro, when wife in another metro".. How is the project coming along...??"

"Well not that smooth as one would expect...Date clashes with my other production in the pipeline "F*ck Baai chance" is delaying things up.."

"Recently reports of the new trend as known as "Casting (kitchen) Sink", where the maids in the homes of producers have been offered roles in exchange of...."

"In exchange of what?? " Shiny growls

"Err Umm In exchange of all the love, faithfulness and yeah all those pains she takes on most nights near the sofa and all this with her CONSENT isn't it??"

"Of course of course"

"Tell me Shiny, how did your love for these downtrodden, unfortunate un-educated hardworking poor little things grew over time"

He grows nostalgic "Aahh well, During my days of struggle in Mumbai, I once visited this uncle's place in Andheri, where I saw this girl wiping the dining table clean with a piece of cloth..mischief on her face..ooohh the way her back was.."

"*Cough* *Cough*"

"I mean.. her back was...bent due to effort, I felt really sorry for her, she nearly smiled when i wished my uncle "Good baai" *sigh*"

"Good old days"

*Sighs *"My little mer-maid"


"*oops*...Umm wtf ask the next question! Quick!! I need to...umm... sleep"

"You do love these baais don't you??"

"What Love?? I respect them...they are noble women.."

"That explains your liking for Kangna ranaut.."

"Did u just say...?? "

"Umm...No No sir, never mind, would you like some tea sir? "

"No thanks"

"Fresh maid sir” winks twice to his inner self

"ok give me some"

the reporter speaks as he pours tea into the cup from his thermos

"Lets talk about something else, like what was your favourite subject at school?"

"Aah there you go again, you got me nostalgic today, My fav subject has always been Baailogy more so since that moronic teacher didn't teach us that chapter in our science textbook, which talked about as how to take precautions while raping ...Err I mean...that reproductive system mechanism. It even explained how to have kids and how NOT to have kids."

"Very fine Sir. Now lets get down to business, Your wife is screaming her lungs out in the public saying that you have been framed and all of it is a made up story"

"WHO said it's maid-up story, she never was up. All the time she was below me and I was over her, ....that stubborn bitch!!"

"Thanks for the confession sire, Wish you a very good Baai"

The GBF reporter scurries and he is panting while he types this last line. Adios!

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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Govinda = Gov of India

Govinda = Gov of India

Believe me this post is gonna be more random than the title. After all "random matlab samajhdari" :P.

A lot has been happening on the personal front, A weeklong stay at home suite home, (Chuck the presidential suite, the "home suite" is in) Coming back to my office and finding myself ankle deep in work, being as useful as the F12 key on your keyboard. (kabhi dabaya hai?), then suddenly I was told to apply for Visa to a country in sub-Saharan Africa named Angola for a business travel spanning 6 weeks. A new project beckoned.

Now whenever you hear the name of any lesser known African country, The slide show which runs on your bheje ka projector is somewhat like of hungry black kids with swollen bellies with UNICEF aid nearby and if you have seen "Blood diamond" by any chance, then the picture is much scarier.

So when my boss did break in the news to me, I was in a "chhodiyaan todo" mode. It’s like going with Anti-Malaria shots in your ass and returning with bullet shots in your head. Then suddenly the prospect of an African Safari and a week long stay in Jo’burg was thrown in. I knew it was like an offer to scuba dive into your nearest sewage tank. I politely refused and had pity on that euphoric asshole who was chosen as my substitute. Travelling to the war torn nation is as unsafe as Harbhajan singh going for higher studies to Australia.

So I got myself shifted to a desi project, bole to ekdum dara singh ke kandhe pe baitha Praveen kumar jitna desi, which will take me to saaddi dilli. And as the visionary ascetic Anu baba puts it "east or west india is the best" and later he adds "between burma in the east and kabul in the west" but wo koi nahee sunta.

Then some days back I saw this blog crossing the 60,000 hits mark, I know people are losing jobs, some are on the verge of it and some are waiting to join their jobs to eventually lose it. enuff said.

Now this new kind of quiz is sweeping facebook :- "How well do you know Nigodee Salma?" and the likes.

And questions like

"what do I pick first in the morning : the toothbrush or the toothpaste",

"How much marks did i get in my 7th class 2nd mid term Social science paper?"

"What's my gmail password?"

With questions like these , people expect you to score a percentage high enough to get a call from IIM Ahemdabad. And if you have scored a shade less than the other runners, which in most cases you do, you have to issue this official apology."I am so sorry..buhuhu..the questions were tuf :((..aage se aisee galti nahee hogi...bhagwaan ke liye mujhe maaf kar do"

Apologize-forgive-apologize routine. I mean where are those good old quizzes which proclaimed you as the new Tom cruise with an IQ over 160 and told you'll be a bloody billionaire with the sense of humor comparable to that of chandler bing's.

And after you do create your own quiz, and when people whom you expect to score high, fail stupendously, it makes you more miserable. Why such Misery?. Last heard facebook was a fun place to be. Ab bhai koi shaadi thode hi kara rahe hai "ladka ladki ek doosre ko jaan le samajh le" quiz.

"Aree saleema tune Zunaid ka quiz bhar diya...bade haseen sawaalat likhe hai usne?"

"Nahee mujh nigody ko waqt kahaan milta hai, din bhar to wo paaji kaamran poke kiya phirta hai, ek aadh sawaal to bata?"

"Aise na bataaungi , pehle tumhe ye batana hoga ki imraan apni maashooka ko dekh kar kitni baar seeti bajata hai..Uff uss harzaai ne apne quiz me pucha hai?"

And so the gossip thickens. Facebook is as synonymous to quizzes as peshawar is to blasts. The time on the clock is 2:26 a.m. and its time to sleepofy. now doing some justice to the title of the post

Similarities between Govinda and Gov of india :-

Both are inflated these days.

Both don't care if your grandmother dies (mai to raste se ja raha tha, bhelpuri kha raha tha, teri naani mari to mai kya karu)


P.S. : I'll start replying to the comments from now on. lets c what you have got. :)

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