Bhojpuri Spiderman-wa!!

* Disclaimer: This post was written to satiate a certain section of readers who long demanded I write something on this. So as the title suggests there will be some bhojpuri dialogues here. Do thank Laalu yadav, bollywood and big-boss if you can understand the conversation below. And if its all martian to you still read on..kya pata padhte padhte martian seekh jaao!! *

Our very own Bhojpuri Spiderman touches down patna airport and after a 3 hour camel ride (oops!! was that a roadways bus!!) he reaches Samastipur(bihar) as there are no skyscrapers to swing about, spidey has to put up with the Bihar roadways buses. The BPS (bhojpuri spideman) is all nostalgic to return to his roots.

Scene 1 :

Spidey is carrying an airbag on his back with a logo of "Pahalwaan chaap beedi" 'aapan jigar se jalaawa, jigar maa bahutte aag baa' " printed on it. He draws close to an elderly bunch of people whiling away under the shade of a banyan tree. They are all religiously rubbing 'choona' and 'tamaakhoo'(tobacco) against their palms with their adept thumbs, for a fat joint of khaini.

"Ho chachhhaaa!! kaisan baara??" Spidey announces his arrival.

"Ho marde ketna badaa ho gail baara tu ho!!...re geetaa 'Makkadman' khaatir sattu ghoro!!..aur bauaa gor-haath dho laa" chacha orders geeta to get spidey a sattu-drink.

"Naa ho chachha uu sab baad me..pahile humko thoda choona dijiye....bus me teen ghanta bina khaini ke baithe rahe !! " chacha is shocked to hear this.

"ee laa ho!! ee sab baat ke liye kono pooche ke jarurat baa!!...pichhla hafta hum gel rahni chhapra...munna ke biyaah rahil..areyyy uhey munna..pappu chachhaa ke badaa ladka..tum nahee chinnhta hoga usko ..chhodo !!" and chachaa smears some choona over spidey's stretched palm.

"bahut bhaniya baat baa...."

"ho papppaaaaa!! *uwaaaaaaaaan*" chachaa'a kid comes wailing at the top of his voice.

"kaa huaa re.."

" papppaaa!! bakri seeng maar ke humra pant faad diyaa...*uwaaaaaaa*.."

"arey kono baat nahi!! kaahe rota hai.. eee to chhotka chhed hai..abhi see denge isko"

"ho marde makkadman thoda rassi chhodiye to iska pant see dete hai.."

"abhiye lijiye.." and spidey raises his wrist and releases a fine string of the gooey matter. An hour passes by and chachha is still sewing his kid's knickers.

An irritated spidey blurts out " kaa ho chachhha chhiyattar(76) go chhed hai kaa...isiliye bolte hai ee chauraa ko anda mat khilaaiye..jyaada garmi pet me rahega to yahee sab hota hai!!"

"Nahee marde..andaa nahee ee behudddaa din bhar hajmola chibaata hai..usee kaaran pant phata hai" chacha is agitated

Chachaa's other kid is smiling at a distance seeing his brother get several acupuncture pricks on his bum while papa dear is sewing up the holes.

Chacha sees the other kid sniggering. He gets furious.. " Saala tum kona me daant chiyaar ke has raha hai..jaao hisaab banaao...ee baar tumko ekjaam me kam number aaya to tumko hum chatth me nayeka bushirt nahee kinenge!!"

(kinenge = khareedenge)

"Gussaiye mat chacha!! ee beriya dekhiyega chotuaa apna class me 1st aayega" spidey tries to cool him down.

"Arey aap nannu jaanmte hai isko...badee khachra hai….abhi ghar me jaake ludo khelega..isko kitaab-kopi se kono matlab nahee hai"

"pappa neemak kaha rakhe hai..sattu ghorna hai.." geeta blares from the kitchen

(neemak=salt)

"tum abhi takle neemakay khoj rahee ho, haathwa tani tej chalaao..aur dekho neemak 'ethi' me hoga" (now this is a magical word 'ethi' its as good as a blank but still somehow it works well to convey what you can't remember at that precise moment)

"Aur bataaba babua!! sune hai ki khhoob angrezee mem sab ke saath chumma-chaati kar raha hai...memiyaa sab ke gaaon kaahe nahee laata hai...." he presses the khaini harder with his thumb, when he says this

"Naah chachha sab nakli kaam hota hai..saala building kudwaane ke samay sala humre haath me rassi dhara ke dhakka de deta hai, aur chumma chaati ke scene me humra jagah 3d-animation daal deta hai...ee sab angrez sab badee chaaloo hai"

geeta : "papppaaaaaa!!! bhainsii rassi tod ke bhaaglas!!

Chacha : " Makkadman marde kucho kara ho...apna rasssi chodo bhainsi ke pakde ke baa...!!" he's frantic

"ee laa chacha!!" spiderman releases the so called 'rassi' from his wrist in the direction of the running buffalo. Bingo!! And then after dragging poor spidey through the fields for about 2 kms the buffalo did stop and mooed. Our spidey is all bruised up and his costume is in tatters after the ordeal was over.

"Ho chachhhaa!! jaldi chalaaa...naaa to humra se pahile thakurwa ke aadmi sab booth loot lee!!" a young boy shouts from a distance.

"ohh!! arey makkad man jaldi chalaa ho...booth loote ke sawaal baa!! "

And so spiderman err.. makkadman looted booths happily ever after. And as a result sandman and goblin formed a coalition government. jai ho!!!



P.S : dint find it as funny?? this is coz you have never stayed in Bihar!! this post is aimed at those folks who have been to the state and have spent a major chunk of life in that good 'ol part of the country. koi baat nahee ye 'on-demand' post thi.