Sunday, April 29, 2007

Saale TV kyu phoda!!- UPDATE

The breaking news is that a young gaaon ki gori(?) named Sri Devi err Lanka was brutally raped last night near the ba(r)ba Dosa stall. (When the wiry mallu dosa-stall owner was interrogated, the investigation team could only make out three words out of his testimony. The words being "vaan-go, ukkar-ungo and paw-ngo" thanks to the bingo ad.)
There were some signs of resistance from the victim but eventually was of no avail to the might of the rapist. The police have recovered some empty cans of Foster's beer from the spot. This is the 10th such act in the space of 2 months. Allaah bachaaye ab to!!

Yess!! Bhaailogs and bhenjeez, Lets taak about cricket this time. (Arey cricket nahee jaante...arey wahee game yaar ..yaad karo..the game which we used to play in our bachpan on our terrace on Sunday afternoons. And when some Hayden ki aulaad among us used to hit the ball down the building, we used to coax some pot-bellied blole-bhaale uncle downstairs with a "Uncle ji!! Ball de do pleeeeeez.."
After roughly some 17 attempts later the uncleji would eventually manage to succeed in his efforts. We little kids would cling on to the railings and cheer him up to throw higher n higher and when the ball did reach us, a big "thank yuu uncle!!!!!!!" followed with the uncle stroking his godrej-dyed hair in a self congratulatory style. Gone are those 'nappy me bhi happy' days.....*sob* Senti ho gaya maamu mai to )

Now let’s talk some history here. Long ago a tribe flourished of those who religiously followed the game of (pronounced kri-Ket). They could have been categorized in to different groups. Have a look:-

1) Manjarekar and Shashtri ka paseena- the paidaaishi pitch reporter :-

In a group of people glued to a TV-set watching a cricket match there has to be a know-it-all expert or may be two. The enlightened fellow has all the statistics recorded in his 1.5 litre bheja which starts leaking the moment the pitch report is flashed on screen. He would look at the grass on the pitch and say

"I think 37th over se reverse swing hogi ball...78% moisture hai so no doubt!!" and you think "Arey yaar ghar se danda nahee laaya??".

He relishes the commercial break between overs and fall of wickets where he goes about his gyan on how the high backlift aids in fluent stroke making. You wish to lock him up in a room alone with a TV showing re-runs of Duleep trophy matches all day. Aise maamu Duckworth-lewis se tution padhne jaate hai.

2) Achaa aaj India ka match hai kya?? kiske saath.. reply : *chataaak* one tight slap!!

"Abey chintukle!! itta bhi nahee pata , saale ko mai calendar par din kaat raha hu pichle 10 din se iss match ke liye..aur tu ye puch raha hai." . ahem!! These are the luckiest people on earth. They don't follow cricket much and swear to watch only indo-pak encounters that too in a world cup. Achaa hai yaar jab susu hi nahee karta hai to haath dhone ka jhanjhat bhi nahee hai. I mean to say even if India loses they are indifferent, and it doesn't affect them. But at times when the Indian team is on a roll and is magically winning most of their matches the 'chaanta' is an apt reply for such questions.

3) Agarbatti jalaao - pataakha phodo type :-

The ardent religious fan who jalaaos agarbattis praying for India to win its match against Bermuda and the likes. The fan who has all the walls of his room covered with posters of Manoj prabhakar and Azharuddin. He cries when India loses and phodo-fies pataakhas (which he has scavenged for in the post-Diwali kooda) when the team wins. This is the gandhigiri following supporter who sadly returns to his home from the stadium with a lump in his throat when the team is thrashed by the opposition. His Bisleri bottle is with him and the un-burnt placards are rolled under his armpit. He surely is a non-violent creature as harmless as a crippled caterpillar.

4) Tv phodo - putla jalaao type :-

A Paan dukaan where some people have huddled up to watch the last few overs of a Ind-Aus match:-

TV commentary: "...and he has bowled him. Sachin had absolutely no clue... What a delivery tat was....and the Australians are ecstatic..*shatterrrr*

Paan waala : "Abey TERII!!! TV KYU PHODA BE!!

The culprit : "Gussa aa gaya yaar..aise tv ka kya faayeda jisme India match hi naa jeet paaye..!! "

P.W (grabs him by the collar) : Saale tere faayede ki maa ki...

Hmm this is the most violent lot of all the cricket viewers. When they get a chance to watch it in a stadium they carry bori bhar ke deflated bisleri bottles to decorate the outfield after the match. The bottles are often aimed at the kurkure-fingered fielders. And the next day they burn the effigy of even the physiotherapist, players ko to chhod de.

5) Cricinfo ke sipaahi- Boss ke bandar ( i belong to this category)

This is the white collar junta. The cricinfo page sits minimized in hidden taskbars on their affice ka desktop. Even a faint badboo of the boss/TL/PM instigates them to uninstall gtalk and messenger at the same time. And ask them "Solitaire kya hota hai" reply comes : "JK tyre ki mehnat". Bade bhole bhaale log hai hum!! ;)

bhott ho gayee kirkit ki baate chal ab plate khareed..fokut me poori dukaan sootega kya!! >:)


18 Mirch lagi kya?? paani piyo yaha..

Blogger Shubhankar said...

Hmmmm...mein apne aap ko 1st aur 2nd category ka hybrid maanunga.. cricket ka kaafi kuch maloom hai..par kaafi unbiased bhi hoon...aur agar cricket interesting na ho...tho yahan kuch (s)extraaa stuff bhi dekh leta hoon..!!! :P

heheheh...nice post...mazaa aa gaya...keep em coming dost..!!! :P

9:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apna interest KIRKIT mein sirf gully tak seemit hai!!Ab to itni aukaat hai ki bas gully k bachho se 1 over ki bheekh maangni padti hai!!
Baaki indo-pak match kisko achhe nahi lagte!
But commentry to bas hindi wali hi achhi lagti hai[ahem!kyonki engliss samajhnai aati!] it on doordarshan ya AIR fm GOLD :D!


10:26 PM  
Blogger siby said...

"Achaa hai yaar jab susu hi nahee karta hai to haath dhone ka jhanjhat bhi nahee hai" :)
too good hai. pan waala, ko mast portray kiya hai.
sahi hai bhidu

10:49 PM  
Blogger The Indian Frog said...

next post mein aussie's ki
M@ B@(-)!n ek ar diyo ..
Dominance ki limit hai yaar, Lions ko to ghus ghus(a) ke maara ..
bairhaal ek aur type ke log hote hain, jo ki result pehle he batane mein vishwas rakhte hain..
""dekhna beta bharat he jeetga"" types ..

Are ghanta jeetga..

2:38 AM  
Blogger Anilz said...

Nice one .... Being ignorant abt cricket is considered a sin ... Every one is a expert in his own way ... Ever watched crckt match in a crowded place??? ... Dat would be a nice laughing session too ... Every one has 'i-cud-be-india's-coach' expression. By the way wht category u fall into.

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Thisisme said...

Achaa hai yaar jab susu hi nahee karta hai to haath dhone ka jhanjhat bhi nahee hai.

:D:D:D:DD sahi kaha...i belong to that 2nd category :))

3:48 PM  
Blogger gunj said...

hey finalllyyy i finished dat plate....[:d]
n m d second variety....n since u knw us sooo well...(Achaa hai yaar jab susu hi nahee karta hai to haath dhone ka jhanjhat bhi nahee hai.;)) )u must b knowin we find d whole kriket discussion phunny n useless!
i liked d uncle ji part though....hav played lotsa badminton on mah terrace[:d]

9:05 PM  
Anonymous Neeraja said...

Hey Abhishek...i've just finished reading all ur posts..and im usually categorised into the "khaao,piyo,khisko" types..but i dunno why i thot i shud leave a comment..u deserve it!
I read both the horror stories as well and i must say i actually scanned my room twice to make sure i was alone..hehehe :P
Count me in ur fan gonna a regular here! :)

1:26 AM  
Blogger Adarsh said...

India aisa kheli ki hum bhi 'cricinfo' type waale ho gaye :(
mazaa nahin aaya is baar WC mein...

11:12 AM  
Blogger Garam Bheja Fry said...

# shubhankar

apun bhi kuchh aisa hi hai..aajkal mai 2nd category me gujar basar kar raha hoon..

# deepa

1 over ki bheekh?? gully ke bacche agar jyaada aana kaani kaan ke neeche alarm baja de unke ek...ek over kya poora test match khelenge wo!!

# siby

Paanwaala bechara apne aap ko control nahi kar paya..!! usko chahye glad bangles!! :p

# indie frog

haa yaar!! badee hi berremi se le li unki!! waise this category of the "bejan daaruwala ki baatli" type merges with the "shashtry ka paseena" ppl. hai ki nahee dono hi expert singh hai!! :P

12:05 PM  
Blogger Garam Bheja Fry said...

# anilz

well said!! yeahh "i-m-the-next-coach" expression or the "the-whole-system-is-crap" type faces are pretty common. inn sab jo jhaadoo ki jhappi dene kaa..;P

# Ye main hoon

hehehe!! sahee baat hai !! 2nd category k bhot demand hai yar kya bat hai..koi 3rd 4th category wala bhi aao !!

# goonj

yeahh that part took me down the memory lane!! i felt a bit nostalgic writing that part...yeaah we know u well!! :)

# neeraja

thanx mam!! i am flattered!! :)

# adarsh

wahh koi to mila 5th kind kaa..sabbaaas!!! sahee me yaar WC se achaa to kishen kumar ki movies dekho baith ke!!

12:13 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

are u also one of those who call up ur friends on the way back from work and insist they get online and check out the score for u??? just wanted to know if u;re of the same genre as my friends......

10:26 PM  
Blogger DumBum said...

lolz lolz lolz... tat ws so funny... i wish i hdnt hd breakfast - ab pet dukh raha hai... sab teri galati hai... :P

d uncle ji part ws spot on... [:D]

7:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jab ghar ki rounak badhani ho..deewaro ko jab sajaana ho..NEROLAC..NEROLAC!!
ting ting!

2:51 PM  
Blogger Vandita said...

Hey Abhishek
Well I first paid a visit here a few days ago and laughed my wits out.... u really are funny.
I waiting to comment after readin all ur posts, which i just did.
I esp loved both ur short stories they were supercool very grippin with all the detailed descriptions and well etched characters.
And ya not to forget, me bein an engg student as well totally appreciate the sarcasm and wit drippin in each of ur posts....gotta say u have really have a gr8 sense of humor.
Am gonna be a regular here from now on...lookin fwd to buyin more full plates!

3:32 PM  
Blogger itchingtowrite said...

me guilty of being no 2 type

5:08 PM  
Blogger Garam Bheja Fry said...

# zee

nope!! i don't call them up..i just text 'em..paise bachaao prabhu ke gun gaao :D

# dumbum

pilate me mirch jaada tha kaa maidam!! pet dukhne lag gaya.. police me komplane mat kar dena..:(

# deepa

nahee wahee pooraana ghar hai..nerolac bahut mehenga tha.. thela bik jaata mera..:(

# Vandita

Thanks for visiting!! i am glad u liked the stuff..plate khareedne kaa aur khoob khaane ka..aage se maal aur chatpata banaayega apun.. :P

#itching 2 write

hehe!! haa most of them on this page are of the 2nd type..!!

9:26 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

aaya, padha aur fan ho gaya mamu!!
bole to kya rapchik likhela re..... aisehich likh..... aur cricket ki to wattich laga dali hai woh team india ne.... tu isko badat jaa bhai...
bole to tension mat le...
apun hai tere saath!!

5:27 PM  

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