Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Kutte main tera khoon pee jaunga

I have never been a dog's best friend and even the dogs haven't tied any friendship bands around my wrist. When I was a i-luv-kismi-bar and alif-laila-scares-the hell-out-of-me type kid, a movie named 'Teri meherbaaniya" was scheduled for the Saturday night on DD. We all were excited as the movie was color and it had Jackie shroff in the lead role sporting a red netted-baniyan and a yellow bandana, beating the shit out of the 'hum-basti-khaali-karaane-aaye-hai' type bad guys. Any random punches packed at Jackie dada were absorbed by his three inch thick chest-hair cushion. And there was a dog as well in the movie.

In one of those emosshnall scenes, the dog picks a child who has been deserted in the lawn in the 'kadee dhoop' to die ("Ye villain ka kaam hai!! kalmooha!!" mum says!). The dog takes the child to the shade and grabbing a burnol tube by his teeth he applies the lotion on to the sun-burns of the baby. People around me have lumps in their throat and are nanoseconds away from breaking down. I announce with a bucket of sarcasm

" Dekho saala kutta masaala laga raha hai bachhe pe, paka ke khaane ke mood me hai!!". I could barely hear the rest of the movie-dialogues , being locked inside the bathroom.

Yeahh I trusted the DD weather forecasts more than these canines.

And one day a pot-bellied uncle came to our house who sipped the tea by pouring it from the cup in to the dish. (and when he did sip the noise ensured the whole mohalla knew ki humaare yaha chai bani hai).

Then he said in between grabbing snacks.

"Asthana ji!! sheher me itni choriyaan(thefts) ho rahee hai!! Ab to aap ek kutta le hi lo!!"

Papaji smirked "Arey do to pehle se hi pal rahe hai..teesre ki kya jarurat hai!! "

My li'l bro and I looked at each other and barked and then we wagged our tails. So we never had a pet in our house. (Can mosquitoes be pets, if they can be, then we had lots of 'em.. but the point is - They can't be termed 'pets' coz we cannot name them as they all look the same.. A "Papa meri naak pe chintu ne kaata ki pintu ne??" won’t make much sense ..Aur yaar macchar aur kutte dono kaat te u can't just discriminate against a mosquito as a forbidden alternative to a dog as your pet).

For me a Sophisticated French poodle is just a 'kutta' and the same is true for the hopeful candidates for playback singing in Aap ka suroor-part 2 - the gali ka kuttas. I have some bitter memories of my encounters with a kind of species which likes to be introduced by this piece..

"Andheri raaton me ,
sunsaan raahon par,
Jab koi bina baat ke bhaukta hai,
usey log gali-ka-kuttah kehte hai "
(insert the theme music of the movie Shehenshaah)

On a cold winter night when I was on my cycle, I took a turn into a dark street which was a short cut to my home. As I was paddling through, three rogue canines blocked my way. Me being a kachhi kali, nearly shat in my pants. I halted so as to not offend the growling 'sons of a bitch'. But they had other ideas as they fixed their eyes on my gori chikni taang. (haai ye zulmi gora badan!!). I tried to shoo them away but As they say a 'son of a bitch' is always a 'son of a bitch'. After playing inki-pinki-ponki among them the winner dug its teeth in to my calf. I let out a daraawani 'cheekh', which scared the living daylights of the doggies and they vanished after punch-coding me. Believe me the injections were more painful that the dog-bite.

So i wish my bigotry towards the doggy-kind is well communicated to you people. Go tie friendship bands around its tail , paws (or anywhere your ‘dirty or otherwise’ mind suggests you) but when you bring the dog near me do tie a band around its jaw, my sinful gora badan u see. :p


82 Mirch lagi kya?? paani piyo yaha..

Anonymous Anonymous said...

heheh..teri meharbaaniyan and haathi mere saathi dekhne k baad 2 ghante bathroom mein jakar royi thi :P!!

And meri bhi khwahish thi ghar mein moti/tommy/tuffy rakhne ki but my pitaji said "tum teen to pal nahi rahe ho!huh!" :( ..Isliye ab gully k doggies[Don,basanti,jolie,and othrs :P] k saath khel khel k ichcha poori karti hoon! :P

Ive been proudly bitten by doggie,monkie and my cuzzin :P!!


10:59 PM  
Blogger Vandita said...

hehe lolz...i just cant get enuf of how u write...
"Papa meri naak pe chintu ne kaata ki pintu ne??"
was just too hilarious
awesome post abhishek
and though i love dogs had three at one point in time ... abhi ek bhi nahi hai :(... i still sympathise with u and ur 'sinful gora badan' for the dogbite and painful injections later ... awww
PS: i need a lil help/advice with my engg project, lemme know if i can mail u my queries...thanks

12:56 AM  
Blogger DumBum said...

lolz... haye kahan gaye wo alif laila wale din... tats used to b d only sho i ws allowed 2 watch for quite a while...

very well written abhishek... awesomely phunny and i love dogs... bt i knw whr ur coming 4m... been bitten myself 2 u see... woh kya kehte hai? my sinful gora badan as well [:P] but it dint change my luv 4 the creatures...

7:43 AM  
Blogger Anilz said...

Shukar kariyo ki sirf tang pe kata :) ... Hum ne ab thak tho koi barcode nahi chapwaya hai apne body par ... I neither like them nor dislike them ... small puppies are cute.

9:34 AM  
Blogger phatichar said...

rotfl... :-))

12:07 PM  
Blogger Danish siddiqui said...







1:30 PM  
Blogger itchingtowrite said...

lOL- chintu pintu & inky pinky ponky...

2:16 PM  
Blogger Adarsh said...

sach mein yaar... kutte log se humko bhi bahut darr lagta hai....
humko pata hai ki hum usko kuhh nahin karenge... us kutte ko to nahin pata naa.... kutta kahin ka :(
he he

2:58 PM  
Blogger Shubhankar said...

kutton se itna darta hai saale..?? Grow a man like me..!! (I fear ONLY cows..!! :D )

the "sons of a bitch" was a nice blend of rhetoric & the literal meaning...kinda like ur b**nch*d quote..!! :D

3:40 PM  
Blogger COALESCED said...

Arre baap re!! Bahute kamina kukkur sab tha ho!! Apne KUKKURWA se bhi beshi khtarnak!! :P
Bahute sahi post kiye ho!! Ham tou abhi tak Kukkur bite se bache huye hai!! Bhavishya me bhi sawdhaan rahne ka jarurat hai!!

3:53 PM  
Anonymous taks said...

wah wah ... badhiya post, yaar.
and yes, your spooky blog does not allow poor people like me w/o google accounts to comment. (pehle jaake woh change kar). so heres my comment for your story - "The Kiss" --
Awesome story, yaar. Loved it. And the extra letter-twist in the end was good. Your touch of humour is brilliant ... "beggars who collect money for their Indian idol auditions", "curtains would graciously welcome my filthy hands to relieve them of ... a nose digging session"
And like you yourself say :-) you surely can be gross ... "spent the nights counting armpit hair of smelly constables ... Make no mistake I can be gross at times" :-)

Keep many more such wonderful stories coming. And, hey, also check out my new story here

12:05 AM  
Blogger ~Nayan~ said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:59 AM  
Blogger Sam said...

aye hay!! tere gore badaan ne kutto ko bhi nahi baksha to insaan ko kya bakshe... na jaane aur kitne "kutto" se paap karvaye hai!!
waise to in kutto se main bhi duur rehta hu... fir bhi daraane ke liye aa jaate mere aas paas!! fir chllake ya maarke bhagaan apdta hai.. woh kehte hai na "laaton ke bhoot, baaton se nahi maante."
likhte rahiyo....

3:59 PM  
Anonymous Thisisme said...

Awesomely funny that was :))

i abs luv dogs n blv ki they wont attack unless u give them a that gora badan of urs :)):))
mast mast mast post tha yeh :))

4:01 PM  
Blogger The Soul of Alec Smart said...

Mr. Deep-Fried Bheja, is it ok to add you on my link list? Please let me know. Thx! :)

4:54 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

do u remember a movie called ma??? that is the ultimate in dogdom! a must watch!

10:13 PM  
Blogger Garam Bheja Fry said...

# deepa

haha, bhagwaan ka shukr hai mere cousin ko rabies nahee hai..!! aur duniya ke saare motiyo, tommiyo aur tuffiyo se keh do ki iss baar GBF khaali haath nahee aayega!! chun chun ke badla lunga!! grr

# vandita

arey yaar doctor ne to mere shareer par injections se kadhaai kar di..!! :(
doctor ne itta tadpaaya ki kutte ko bhi dekh ke daya aa jaaye..!!

and abt the prooject lemme see how can i help you. :)

12:47 PM  
Blogger Garam Bheja Fry said...

# dumbum

Arey theek hai pyar karna kutto se...lekin yaar daanto se pyar na dikhaaye wo!! :D

"agar kutta aapki ek taang pe kaate to doosri taang aage kar do"
aisi gandhigiri gandhiji bhi naa kare :P

# anilz

arey shukar, budh, shanichar sab kar liya....aur ye bataao aur kaha katwaana chahte ho bhaai!!

# phatichar

:D keep visiting bhaiya!!

# danish

oye tu balwant singh institute of technology me research maar raha tha kya..bhaai mere ko kyu nahee bataya..waise jisne mujhe kaata wo to gali ka benaam baadshaah tha.. uska naam naam tommy nahee sirf "kutta" hai.. aate rahiyo

# itching to write

"LOL" to aisa lagta hai ki do pairo ke beech me football fasaa rakhi ho!! :D


12:57 PM  
Blogger Garam Bheja Fry said...

# adarsh

ee kutta log ka koi baharosa nahee bhaai...mazaak mazaak me kaat leta hai saala humlog to kaat sakte nahee hai..:(

# shubhankar

hehe saale!! be a man..jab kutta peeche padega naa beta milkha singh se bhi tez bhaagega tu..
ab yaar bh*nch*d quote blog me nahee daal sakta na :P

# coalesced

bach ke raho jawaan!! jis din kaatega na bada dukhdaai hoga!! hum bhi abhi tak bee-sting se bache huye hai..:)

# taks

bhelcum!! bade dino baad chithhi aayee hai!! thanx for the comments on the story...i was waiting 4 u to read the story...aur yaha anonymous comments allow kar diye!!

1:12 PM  
Blogger Garam Bheja Fry said...

# sam

sahee hai yaar !! laato ke kutte, patthar se maante hai...ek uthaa ke de maaro..budhaape tak koi kutta nahee kaatega!!

# this is me

arey phir isme mujh kamsin kali ka kya dosh...uff ye zaalim zamaana..

# the soul of alec smart

arey huzoor waah taz boliye!! jarur kijiye !!

# zee

ye sab zee tv par aate hai mai to DD dekhta tha..:P
waise i have seen the movie..poora kutta prem dikhaaya hai..

1:18 PM  
Anonymous DumBum said...

na ji... i agree with u there... gandhigiri ki bhi hadd hoti hai [:P]

5:40 PM  
Blogger Koi Bhi Purana 21inch ka TV said...

sorry for commenting so late...mazza aa ho gaya padh ke....chintu machchar....hehehe....btw bolta hoon ladkiyon wali cream....isliye to gora badan hai......lagao mardon wali cream....chupp-chupp k....

4:03 PM  
Blogger gunj said...

all my frendz loved it....spcly d gora badan line....but id b cud hav been better...u are capable of hillarious...dis was just funny!
lookin fwd to much more from u!

11:48 PM  
Blogger The Soul of Alec Smart said...

Hey, thank you so much.. the second part of the post comes tonight (after the boss leaves me with another brain-challenging piece of work).. keep watching! :)

9:34 AM  
Blogger Ragamuffin said...

"Andheri raaton me ,
sunsaan raahon par,
Jab koi bina baat ke bhaukta hai,
usey log gali-ka-kuttah kehte hai "

saley tu Himesh bhai k gaano k liye lyrics kyun nahi likhta??? Sacha bata raha hun next Filmfare tera hi hoga...

6:50 PM  
Anonymous kutta peedit said...

waah , mazaa aa gaya padh ke. really funny. keep it man.

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