Kutte main tera khoon pee jaunga

I have never been a dog's best friend and even the dogs haven't tied any friendship bands around my wrist. When I was a i-luv-kismi-bar and alif-laila-scares-the hell-out-of-me type kid, a movie named 'Teri meherbaaniya" was scheduled for the Saturday night on DD. We all were excited as the movie was color and it had Jackie shroff in the lead role sporting a red netted-baniyan and a yellow bandana, beating the shit out of the 'hum-basti-khaali-karaane-aaye-hai' type bad guys. Any random punches packed at Jackie dada were absorbed by his three inch thick chest-hair cushion. And there was a dog as well in the movie.

In one of those emosshnall scenes, the dog picks a child who has been deserted in the lawn in the 'kadee dhoop' to die ("Ye villain ka kaam hai!! kalmooha!!" mum says!). The dog takes the child to the shade and grabbing a burnol tube by his teeth he applies the lotion on to the sun-burns of the baby. People around me have lumps in their throat and are nanoseconds away from breaking down. I announce with a bucket of sarcasm

" Dekho saala kutta masaala laga raha hai bachhe pe, paka ke khaane ke mood me hai!!". I could barely hear the rest of the movie-dialogues , being locked inside the bathroom.

Yeahh I trusted the DD weather forecasts more than these canines.

And one day a pot-bellied uncle came to our house who sipped the tea by pouring it from the cup in to the dish. (and when he did sip the noise ensured the whole mohalla knew ki humaare yaha chai bani hai).

Then he said in between grabbing snacks.

"Asthana ji!! sheher me itni choriyaan(thefts) ho rahee hai!! Ab to aap ek kutta le hi lo!!"

Papaji smirked "Arey do to pehle se hi pal rahe hai..teesre ki kya jarurat hai!! "

My li'l bro and I looked at each other and barked and then we wagged our tails. So we never had a pet in our house. (Can mosquitoes be pets, if they can be, then we had lots of 'em.. but the point is - They can't be termed 'pets' coz we cannot name them as they all look the same.. A "Papa meri naak pe chintu ne kaata ki pintu ne??" won’t make much sense ..Aur yaar macchar aur kutte dono kaat te hai..so u can't just discriminate against a mosquito as a forbidden alternative to a dog as your pet).

For me a Sophisticated French poodle is just a 'kutta' and the same is true for the hopeful candidates for playback singing in Aap ka suroor-part 2 - the gali ka kuttas. I have some bitter memories of my encounters with a kind of species which likes to be introduced by this piece..

"Andheri raaton me ,
sunsaan raahon par,
Jab koi bina baat ke bhaukta hai,
usey log gali-ka-kuttah kehte hai " (insert the theme music of the movie Shehenshaah)

On a cold winter night when I was on my cycle, I took a turn into a dark street which was a short cut to my home. As I was paddling through, three rogue canines blocked my way. Me being a kachhi kali, nearly shat in my pants. I halted so as to not offend the growling 'sons of a bitch'. But they had other ideas as they fixed their eyes on my gori chikni taang. (haai ye zulmi gora badan!!). I tried to shoo them away but As they say a 'son of a bitch' is always a 'son of a bitch'. After playing inki-pinki-ponki among them the winner dug its teeth in to my calf. I let out a daraawani 'cheekh', which scared the living daylights of the doggies and they vanished after punch-coding me. Believe me the injections were more painful that the dog-bite.

So i wish my bigotry towards the doggy-kind is well communicated to you people. Go tie friendship bands around its tail , paws (or anywhere your ‘dirty or otherwise’ mind suggests you) but when you bring the dog near me do tie a band around its jaw, my sinful gora badan u see. :p