Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Gr8 Indian Train Journey!!

The Archeological survey of india has written to me regarding the writings on this blog which will soon be declared as ancient scriptures and would be kept inside glass cases stacked up for display in random museums with japanese tourists going wild fujifilming and nikoning it. Haan miyaa!! bhelcome once again to the same old adda, where you spilled your giggles and always saved your words miserly without even caring to spend them on my comment page , but you did contribute to the hitcount of this blog which is set to hit the 28K mark soon isiliye thankooz!!.

(Wink wink : adsense meter whirring!!)

So without much further ado and 'undo' i should go about justifying the title of this post which is as amusing as listening to the 'Mr Beans show' on the radio.
The Sleeper class me baithne waali junta can be "Danish-kaneria-ke-gaalo-se-bhi-jyaada-rough-ly" classified into :-

1) H2H2 - hum do humaare do families:- The ideal nuclear family which nukes your peace of mind inside the compartment if you happen to share the same. Imagine yourself sitting on the window seat cool-ly flipping through pages of a random "feel-good" magazine with your tired legs stretched on the berth, a gentle breeze running through your hair, with all your li'l luggage already chained you think about your hometown, friends and family back home.Aah absolute bliss. then suddenly :-

"O bhaai saab!! aapka seat number kaun saa hai??" A middle aged person farts on your face. Following him is his family with two wailing chunnu munnus and their clumsy mommy bearing a "disaster management look" on her face.

You try your best to sound polite "Bhaai saab 17 number seat meri hai, khidki waali "

"Paaaapppppaa mekko window waali seat chahiyyyyye!! uwaaaaa....!! mekko chahiiiyeee..." chunnu bursts out..

"Abhi dilaate hai betaa...,Eskooj me bhaaisab baache ke liye thoda adjust kar lijiye!!" and you look at the li'l moron(chunnu) while gritting your teeth and then u think of those condom commercials issued in public interest. You wish some sanity had prevailed. bah!

Then comes the "luggage management" part. The family seems to have brought their town's luggage, some reputed oriya hurricanes to be blamed. And they try to squeeze it all thru the space below the lower berth. Your pyaara sa airbag looks like parthiv patel sharing a stool to sit with andrew symonds.

Himesh reshammiya and compart me familiyaa unbearable hai dost!!

There will be at least an army of relatives on the platform who would have come to see off their "banaras waale chacha" and "Kanpur waali mausi". And when you get to know that one such mausi(who's incidentally sharing the same compartment as yours) has just spilled some fresh achaar (pickle) on your snazzy airbag, its just too late. "F-16 to F-22 wala" dreams bedamned.

And when the T.T. arrives with his beachball-belly preceeding him, his coat buttons discuss among themselves "haaye!! Hum Berozgaar button. :( !!".

The TT in a grim voice blares "Haan vaiii!! ticket dikhaao!!"

Now at this point of time chunnu ki mummy is seen frantically searching for the ticket in her purse to no avail. Hubby dear is impatient "Pachaas baar kaha hai nikalne se pehle ticket samhaal ke rakha karo, Mr. bajaj laake dega kya tkt!! "

Searching for the railway ticket in her purse is as difficult as searching for rajpal yadav in the grand canyons. After some 10 minutes of mining into the purse she fishes out the ticket which is stuck to the soap paper with the PNR number imprinted on the "jab zor se ho aai, aur saabun naa de dikhaai, then instant haath ki safaai" waala paper.

TT baabu is used to this, so he shows no signs of disgust and goes about asking other victims in the compartment for the tickets, including you. And when the train halts at some random station its the (stone) age old tradition for the the daddyji to fill every empty thing in the compartment with the "shuddh and sheetal jal" which you get on the platforms. He disappears with the empty bottles in the mileu and after a while when its time for the train to depart, the mummyji again with the same disaster management look on her face exclaims " Kahaa chale gaye paani laane!! abhi tak nahee laaye!!" you have to fulfill the moral obligation to comfort her by saying "Aa jaayenge!! ab paani lene bisleri ke bottling plant thode hi gaye honge!!".

Her hubby after out muscling and out-swearing (naya word note kar le!!) the other uncles at the water cooler, comes out all smiles with two half filled bottles under his arm pits and a torn sleeve plus the buttons of his shirt in his hands. Fair deal !! (Torn sleeve kisi aur ke shirt ki hai bhaai!! :P).

2) CKC - college ka chhokraas :- If by any chance you are travelling alone and you happen to find these chhokraas in your compartment, then you are sure to have an awesome time during the journey, but if by sheer misfortune you are with your family then your situation would be like of that uncle who took his chunnu munnus and missus accompanied by their dhaarmic dada-daadi to a theater to watch the movie "Jab we met" and they accidently enter the screen playing "Jab we MATE". Chunnu munnu couldn't hide their elation.

Yeah these colg dudes can be gross. An average engineering student's lingo can give any sailor a run or may i say sail for their money. Every sentence they utter is sandwiched between words which u utter each time you hear the actual figure of your boss' salary.

Once the brats are done with chaining their luggage and "sutta" they are set to explore the train for those "F-16 to F-22"s , whose locations they had by hearted from the reservation chart pasted outside the coach. They put the official SOP (statement of purpose) as "Searching for the Pantry" but you know what they are up to.('Been there done that' kind of stuff for u guys!!..hai ki nahee??). They scan each compartment they pass by, and the data is shared among themselves when they reach the ends of the coach near the washbasin. And when that data is churned to come up with some vital information as to "which coach and which berth no.", the whole group oscillates to and fro about the "point of interest".

These dudes like to get down at every other platform, roll up their sleeves, light a ciggy and look around and say "Weather kitna sexy hai re!!", (even if the train halts there just for a few nanoseconds). These guys sure are cool. I was one such brat some time back, alas i'm spoilt now.

Aah the joys of the sleeper class. the sight of the stones and gravel from the hole in the commode, the sacred inscriptions on the toilet walls for instance some outright materialistic "Saleema i luv you..err..your.." and some philosophical as in "Ek aadmi ke hote hai 2 mouth , ek to hota hai north aur ek south"[of his anatomy] and some cheesy lines like .."Boond Boond se saagar bharta hai, apni boonde apne pass rakhiye" (ab aur nahee likhta!! rehne de yaar kuchh adults bhi blog padhte hai..:P.), the unadulterated entertainment provided by those clappy-happy eunuchs, the chaaiwaalahs drawl "chaiiiiiii...bhains ki doodh ki chaai", the wait listed passengers clutching on to their tickets sandwiched between two hundred rupees notes waiting for the TT sahab,.. and a lot more . Phew!! so many memories!! Lets see if you can add to this list!! till then Sat sri tatkaal!!


20 Mirch lagi kya?? paani piyo yaha..

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sahee re! This post just caught me nostalgic. It's so apt and so much of what I have experienced 'those days' and now we are subjected to the curse of the low cost airlines and the one-can-always-bid-tickets.. Bah!
All said and done, post well written and some more dissection desired :D
- stranger

1:19 AM  
Anonymous DK said...

Great post!!There is nothing like travelling long distance@sleeper class.All Chunnu-Munnu would make sure that no body near them could sleep or for the matter rest for even a micro second.And in case they decide to let the others breathe for a while then they are bound to get a tough fight from their mummy daddy who are basically used to shouting from talking on phone to talking with the nearest cold drink/chiniya badaam wala. Then there are few other characters like the budding reshamiyas and would be circus artists who now days are fully charged courtesy all these reality TV show.Then there are a typical ''Maadoo'' family which travels with more aachaar,sabzi and other stuff than their luggage.Invariably they make the whole compartment as a sughandhit restaurant but only for a while. As the night progresses the same people convert the same khusboddar khana into dangerous chemical/biological weapons with all sorts of kaano ko madhur lagne wali sounds.Then often we have 2 chai wala fighting at 2 am for selling the hot water from the nearest polluted river under the brand name of chai chai.Their USP is certainly to wake the passengers and then sell the so called tea when the passengers have endured the likes of chunnu munnu,their daday mummy and all those mobile biodigestors.

4:11 AM  
Blogger Prasoon said...

aaha.. kayee din ho gaye the aapko likhe n iss post se saara delay aapka maaf kiya jaata hai :)

F-16 to F-22 wala" dreams bedamned. - this was lovely n so true ;-) also about the college ke chokre roaming and scanning - kaun nahi karta ye. Agar aaspaas ki seat si haal chalta hai to haath kaun saaf nahi karta :P

likhte raho!!!

8:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sahiiiii baar for a change tu massst likha hai ;)
'Jab We Mate' &'...instant haath ki safai' toh ultimate tha.
Apne naukri ke baare me kuch likh na

-Jaspal Bhatti

10:22 AM  
Blogger FireWhisky said...

"The Archeological survey of india has written to me regarding the writings on this blog which will soon be declared as ancient scriptures and would be kept inside glass cases stacked up for display in random museums with japanese tourists going wild fujifilming and nikoning it."

laugh riot as usual!!!

11:15 AM  
Anonymous Swaroop said...

Just as humorous as always.. Reminded me of the old times.

Yes i am an Adult and i read this blog :)

11:16 AM  
Blogger phatichar said...

bahutthe din hui gava aisan has ke marde..kaa likha ho..wah, wah! pet dukhne laga by god... rotfl

2:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious ... very well written .. keep writing!

1:05 AM  
Blogger Sam said...

arre yaar.. tu to WT travel ke bare likhna hi bhul gaya....
engg college ki baat se hi yaad....
tckt 3 aadmi 12... kaise manage karte the kabhi dhyaan nahi aaya.. par tt sahab bade khush dikhai dete the... ;)
aur rahi baat un uncle ki... khair bahutero ko pareshaan kiya hai.. ab muh na khulwa.. kabhi kabhi sochta hu apna bhi number aayega ekdin :(... kya karunga tab.. unke saath lukhepanti mein jus jau yaa fir.....
chal chhod jaane de... filhaal ab to train par safar kiye saal bhar se bhi zyaada ho gaya hai.. kahi bhi jau.. flight se jata hu... time bachta hai bhai.. aur chuttiya jo nahi dete ye kameene employer!!! khoon chus lete hai!!!

4:44 PM  
Blogger Vandita said...

hilarious post as usual...
absolutely loved it
u always manage to crack me up :)

2:45 AM  
Anonymous just another fan said...

Lovely post man!! u have shamed me into writing a comment. itne din bas hit counter ka rate badati thi. aaj comment kar rahi hoon!! u write really well. completely loved this post. made me all nostalgic. i was once a chunnu around 15 years back with my dad asking some shareef bachelor to forgo his window seat for his pyaari si beti!! :D
you have an amazing sense of humor!! brilliant stuff!! :)

10:36 AM  
Blogger Koi Bhi Purana 21inch ka TV said...

Inna loosely classified???....just 2 points???....itna loose to mainu 44 number ka patloon bhi nahi hota....
In my mind i ve the types who r the expert of all trades....readdy to give away their visiting cards to u....i have 7-8 of them....
Best ones...
..."disaster management look"...hehehehe....
!!....ZABARDAST...POST CHAAPA HAI BHAI...Aur pnt add kariyo ....looking fwd..

9:47 PM  
Blogger Koi Bhi Purana 21inch ka TV said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:02 PM  
Blogger Koi Bhi Purana 21inch ka TV said...

Aur haan ek aur...
Eid k chaand types...who r ocassionally midnite....jab apun raat mein pee-ne jaate hain....jinka group kisi doosri bogie mein hota hai....

10:04 PM  
Blogger Manohar said...

good one dude..
you have a way wid words..

5:34 PM  
Blogger shaaaaaaam said...

F-16...hmmm....ver u referring to the Falcon jet ?? :P

9:18 PM  
Blogger Shankster said...

reminds me of a recent 24 hr journey with some colleagues on a "liquid diet" starting on the eve of a dry day.
1st halt in the morn for 30 mins: dude runs into the city and runs back with 2 vodkas.. "AAAH" collective sigh of the group makes next door aunties whats become of men these days
soon we realise "crap! no mixers"
2nd halt, same olympic start karne waale ki chati aulaad runs to the nearest refreshments shop for 2 bottles of sprite and barely manages to catch the train.
we begin mking the drinks and realise "Bah! no snacks"..the long wait till the 3rd halt and its evening already.
someone else volunteers to go this this chap and the previous road runner are like a couple-lauren and hardy/chjotu and motu types..he got to the shop, bought enough namkeens for the entire train and while on the way back , actually tore one and started feeding the fire in his belly..missed the train and we spent the rest of the night high and dry apparantly coz how can we drink without dear oledxyz stuck there but really because everyone was too tired of the many slips between the cup and the lip!!

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mujhe to maxx time ho gaya tirain mein suffer kiye hue :P !!! Vaise not only the suffer but pre safar and post safar things about the train journey are worth!! :D ..Reaching the isstation on time,reservation of tickets,packing shacking and what not!! :)

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

err..forgot something! 'deepa' :P

9:43 PM  
Blogger almostakbl company said...

شركة تخزين
هل تبحث عن مستودع لتخزين الأثاث الجديد الخاص بك ولكن لا نعرف كيفية التوجه نحو ذلك؟ إذا كانت هذه هي المشكلة، نحن لدينا الحل هنا بالنسبة لك. في الواقع نحن سوف نلقي نظرة على بعض من سمات الأساسية التي تشكل مستودع الجيد والمتميز الذي تامن علي اثاثك بة .
شركة تخزين اثاث
وعادة ما يتم إنشاء المستودعات من أجل مساعدة هؤلاء الناس الذين يبحثون لتخزين بضائعهم او اغراضهم مثل الاثاث المنزلي في أماكن آمنة حتى وقت دعت حاجتهم لهذه الأغراض،
شركة تخزين اثاث بالرياض
مستودع هو الخيار الأفضل. في الواقع الأنواع المختلفة من السلع، وهناك أنواع مختلفة من مستودعات المتاحة. على سبيل المثال، إذا كنت ترغب في تخزين المواد القابلة للتلف، وسوف تحتاج للبحث عن مستودع التخزين البارد. ولكن في حال كنت تبحث لتخزين الأثاث بالرياض ، فأنت بحاجة إلى العثور على شركة المستقبل والتي تحافظ على غراضكم امنة .
ارخص شركة تخزين اثاث بالرياض
• السمة الأساسية التي مطلوبة لتخزين الأثاث المنزلي هو أن سقف مستودع ينبغي أن يكون طويل القامة جدا. والسبب هو أن أثاث المنزلي مرات عديدة هي معبأة بشكل غريب، وعندما يتم الاحتفاظ به في وضع رأسي، قد تتخلص ضد السقف إذا لم تكن طويل القامة بما فيه الكفاية. أيضا معظم المخازن تميل لتوجيه لالتهام رسوم مقابل كل قدم مربع. وبالتالي إذا كان يمكنك إدارة لتخزين الأثاث في مستودع امن لدي شركة المستقبل ، سوف تكون قادرة على انقاذ الكثير جدا من المال، شريطة الأثاث يمكن أن تكون مكدسة في وضع مستقيم.
مستودعات تخزين الاثاث بالرياض
• من المهم لاستئجار مستودع وفقا لمتطلبات. في حال كنت تخطط لتوسيع نطاق عملك في السنوات المقبلة، تأكد من إضافة بند في العقد وفقا للاتي يمكنك إعطاء إشعار وإخلاء المبنى في فترة قصيرة من الزمن. وهذا سوف يساعد على توفير الوقت والمال، وكذلك لأن معظم أصحاب مستودع تميل لنعطيه المستودعات لفترات كبيرة من الوقت ولا ترفيه الطعون لفترة
زمنية أقصر.
• إذا كان ذلك ممكنا ثم تختار دائما لمستودع التي يتم تشغيلها تلقائيا. الاستفادة من مستودع الآلي هي أن هناك فرص أقل خطأ أو سوء الإدارة. صالح التكنولوجية قد يكلفك خارج قليلا ولكن عندما يتعلق الأمر بسلامة الأثاث الخاص بك، يمكنك الذهاب، وكذلك الميل الإضافي. وإلى جانب التكلفة، مستودع الآلي تمكنك أيضا لاسترداد البضائع الخاصة بك في اقرب وقت ممكن.
شركة نقل اثاث بالرياض
شركة نقل عفش بالرياض
• شيء آخر المهم أن نتذكر حول مستودعات هو أنها لا ينبغي أن يكون بعيدا جدا من موقع المكتب الخاص بك. يجب أن تكون المسافة بين المستودع ومكتبك الأمثل لأنه سوف تساعدك على توفير تكاليف النقل، فضلا عن الوقت.

مع مساعدة من مستودع الصحيح للأثاث التجارية الخاصة بك، يمكنك التأكد من أن ينمو عملك على قدم وساق وأنت لا يقلق باستمرار عن سلامة البضائع الخاصة بك. وبالتالي الحفاظ دائما على العوامل المذكورة أعلاه في الاعتبار عند تحديد مستودع للأثاث التجارية الخاصة بك.

11:39 PM  

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