Padh lo bhai...title kal dunga!!

Samjhe munna??.. Of course it is as obvious as my insanity that the above pic is an screenshot of my recent referrers list. In my last post I urged the junta to " toss their comment ki chavanni into the katora of my comment-counter". And people obliged me by following every road , lane , highway , tunnel , Rakhi sawant's trap , baniyaan ke chhed which led to this place.
( wo 'saat hindustani' jinhone comment kiyaa hai , agar aapke postman chor nahee hai to sabko unke gift hamper mil jaayenge)

And some of the routes which led people to accidentally land up here have been put up above.

1) Kutiya ki aag - Kahee ye pados ke shaukeen mizaz gupta ji to nahee?? yaa phir unka tommy?? (The doggie is himself kisi kutiya ka suhaag ).

"Haii allaah!! kambakhat Muaa chahta kya hai!!" the neighborhood kutiyas discuss frantically.
It has been reported that the local kuttas have developed a taste for Garam bheja fry and have been searching this blog for content that will satisfy their fetish for raunchy 'bitchy' stuff.

"Uncle.. Kutiya ki Aag par paka lo Sarso daa Saag." says a pervert puppy and winks twice.

"Aankh maarta hai kutte..dharmendar ko phone lagaau kyaa.." I barked.

"Bheje ki oiling kar Uncle!! India ke dono veeru ab kisi kaam ke nahi rahe.."

(And as I hear this virendar sehwag is dismissed on a duck in a Ranji match in Delhi)

Time to move!!!

2) google: wipro sucks :- Kaun hai ye gustaakh!! meri company ke baare me aisi gandi soch!! ...ooops kahee ye mai to nahee?? ...looks like it's your's truly who punched in these keywords to look for like minded fraternity :D .. aur waise thoda confusion hai bhaai!! Is it Wipro that sucks or is it google..yaa phir dono ka joint venture..yaa phir kahee mai to nahee..?? :(

3) my dayz with myself :tanhaayee tanhayeee :- When this innocent guy ignorant of the consequences of reading the garam bheja fry stuff , clicked the link to this place from abhinav's blog , he screamed at such a high pitch that it required about 583 e's to put down his "naheee....ee" to a word.(Maalum hai yaar bahut lamba sentence ho gaya ye, gaali mat dena dost!!).

4) google :punjabi aunty :- Everybody seems to search for punjabi aunties , Punjabi uncles se itni berukhi kyuu. ( bagal ke cubicle wala : Oye hero punjabi uncles ki to poori ek site bana rakhi hai yaha dekh .)

5) tere yaar ne le liya truck - google search :- To tera kya jaa raha hai taau !! Truck to lena hi tha..pehle hero puch par bhains ko laad kar le jaata tha mera yaar.

6) uncle ke saath - google :- arey pata hai.. *BeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeP* ...phir uske baad dono bedroom me gaye uske baad jaise hi..*BeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeP* ...aur maalum hai ..*Beeee.....( Aur karo beep uncle!! ho gayee naa Beeper ki battery down!!...ab kar le beep!!)

7) how to attend bhel interview :- pehle prelims me to pass ho jaa!! ...Baaki ka kal bataunga.


Phewhhh!!( spelling sahee hai na ??) Next post : Vijay kicks vicky's *beep* ..(padosi ka beeper le aaya!!) :)

Aaj Bush to bahut huye hoge tum!!

Ustad Bushmillah khan se ab suniye Raag Iraqi.

A few days back when I woke up at about 11 o’clock in the morning. Subah jaldi uth gaya tha to socha kuchh yoga, exercise wagairah kar lu. But then I thought otherwise and escaped with a "jai baba Ramdev ki". (Jab tak chote bachhe school se wapas nahee aa jaate mai nahee uthta hu.).

And you would think call center me night shift lagi hai kyaa?? Call centers and call girls appear equally distant to me. And the amount of time i devote to studies these days is equal to the duration for which ustad Bushmillah khan practices on his harmonium. Abhi 2 maheene hai before kooding into the saaftware industry tab tak as abhinav says chill maarne do yaaro!!.

Then after paying due respect to the natural urges I pressed the bellybutton of my CPU cabinet. My good 'ol kompooter which is as obsolete as Raveena tandon and has processing speed comparable to Sabu's brain.( Arey chacha chaudhary ka dimaag to computer se bhi tez chalta hai..usse compare karne se kya faida) is my musibat ka saathi .

After switching it on I searched for the day's newspaper "THE HINDU" in the house (people say it is as boring as watching the movie 'I see you' with your Maths ka master sitting alongside).

After reading every word of it ( and even by hearting info like the phone numbers of various massage parlors and different shehro ke taapmaan) I checked with my 'Computer ji' which was switched on near about a decade ago... as expected just the taskbar was visible ( taskbar says : Sirjee icons ko phone kar diyaa hai !! bas kuchh der me aate honge..Aaj to Bus ki hadtaal hai naa sir.....arey Memory bus sarkar)..

kuchh der baad...

I checked my blog for overnight comments. I had posted some more about Vijay and Tina last evening and hoped that some of the Amreekan junta would hop over to Garam bheja fry and Commento-fy my post..( Bhole baba ki kripa se abhi tak koi post Duck par out nahee huaa hai...kam se kam Viagra bechne waale to comment kar hi dete hai :p).

But when I did scroll down to have a look at the number of comments displayed, my facial expression was like of one when on a dark night when its raining kutte-billi outside, you are alone at home. You are as hungry as a kid from Somalia and you just have the furniture and TV ka remote left to eat. Bijli kadking ominously outside. You brave the Rain and the Wind like Mother-India and reach the nearest grocery shop to get a Maggi ka packet. Somehow you return home and thank god. The bile juices flow like ganga jamuna. When you do tear the packet, Voila!! You don't find any 'Masala' satchet inside. Baahar kahee bijli girti hai. The firangs would roar "Daammmmmmnnnnn" at such an instant and the desi male junta have an special word reserved for such occasions.(nahee bataaunga!!).

And when i didn't find any comments on the post i looked over to the hit counter which looked like a jpg image, (arey pata nahee kab se ek hi jaisa dikhta hai!!). I am searching for a hit counter where the counter is a float variable.( decimal ke baad bhi do-teen digit dikhaaye..tab kuchh activity hogi mere hit counter par).

Enraged by the treatment the blogosphere has bestowed on to this blog I swear to never post again here. But then Orkut ki kasam aap jaise log aate ho to accha lagta hai.

Iss baar comment karoge to Ustad Bushmillah khan ke concert ke free passes dunga. Pakka!!

Aslam chacha ki kasam :)

Star (Vjay) Wars- the revenge of the si(x)th

*This is the sixth part in a series of posts about "The making of a perfect 90's movie"..baaki 5 post padhne ke liye apne laptop ke touchpad ki kone ki dhool saaf kare..matlab scroll kare.. :P..
kyaa kaha?? laptop nahee hai..ohh tch tch!! mere paas bhi nahee hai hehe!! pehle post ki link*

Vijay and Aslam chacha (much like the deadly combine of the core 3 duo* powered Chacha chaudhry and the giant gay-ish Sabu ) are waiting in the taxi for the jam to clear up. Some newspaper boys run amok through the maze created by the waiting vehicles.

"Aaj ki taaja khabar !! Aaj ki taaja khabar!! Shilpa shetty ki pehli film FLOP !!"

One of the kids comes over to the taxi no. 9211 in which Vijay and chacha are sitting with their fists clenched. The kid stands near the taxi window, the side where Vijay is sitting. Vijay stares in the eyes of the kiddo. He searches his oh-so-disturbed childhood in the hawker's pale eyes. Thankfully no flashback is played. The kid is waiting patiently for Vijay to unearth some chhutta paisa from his tight jeans pocket. But the wait is of no avail. So he thinks otherwise.

"Kyaa saab 'Wo' waala 'maal' dikhaau kyaa !!"

Aslam chacha shoos away the kid before he actually shuffles his bundle and spreads all the illustrious titles like a pack of cards. ( some of which he himself has authored).Try finding titles like "Bivi DD, Saali Sony" or "Pati dravid, devar dhoni" at Amazon.

Next scene :

Vijay and chacha are at the police thana waiting for the "Inspector saab" to file an FIR. Inspector saab, who is armed with a sarkari danda is inside the lock up playing dandiya with the bones of an emaciated and malnourished guy. The bekasoor lad’s legs have been tied to the ceiling.

"Bol tune hi Mrs singhaniya kaa khoon kiyaa hai... Bol !! " Inspector saab roars and splashes a glass of water on the guys face.

"Nahee saab!! mai bekasoor hoo..mai bhagwaan ki kasam khaa ke kehta hu ki......"

"Chaupp!! Saale tu ab bhagwaan ki kasam khaake kuchh nahee kahega..ab tu jo bhi kahega mera danda khaake kahega.."
Then in a 'sivamani' feat he goes ballistic over the poor soul's ribs, weilding his baton. (kya poocha?? sivamani kaun hai!! arey drum bajaata hai yaar!!)..

" Haaaaa saab maine hi Mrs Singhaniya ko maara hai...arey mrs singhaniya kyaa uske dada-pardada, pati, aashiq, paperwaala-doodhwaala, driver-kaamwaali bai sabko maine hi maara hai...aur unme se kuchh kaa rape bhi kiyaa hai.. mujhe mat maaro maai-baap" he wails.

A visibly exhausted but satisfied inspector comes out of the lockup and confronts V n C.

Vijay : "Inspector saab !! mai aaj report likhaane aaya hu apni badnaseebi ki...Mujhe uss vicky ke baare me koi report nahee darz karaani, kyuki uss kutte ki maut kaa faisla mai pehle hi sunaa chuka hu."

Inspector : "Sunny deol ki filme dekh dekh kar har launda yahee sochta hai ki wo duniya bhar ke kutto ka khoon pee jaayega..bacche ye asal zindagi hai..yaha koi bhi kaam bina baap se pooche nahee karte. Aur tumhaara baap, tumhaare saamne baitha hai"

Vijay raises from the chair in a fit of rage.

"Aslam chachaaaaaa!! Virendar sehwaag aur Police vibhaag kisi kaam ke nahee reh gaye hai...Vijay ye ladaai akela hi ladega ..." And he storms out of the scene

Aslam chacha's eyes are fixed on the sweat and blood drenched baton. He tries to avoid any such circumstances which will lead to a solicitous meeting of inspector saab's danda with his flabby posterior. So he says

"Inspector saab ..Muaaf kijiyega..abhi bachhaa hai..garam khoon hai baad me samajh jaayega.. isey Sourav ganguly samajh ke maaf kar dijiye"

" Samjha dena isko..warna agli baar mere saamne aisee baat ki to 'chappell' se maarunga iss badtameez ko!! "

Aslam chacha is a bit apprehensive about the merits of keeping Vijay Company any further. Aur waise bhi unke namaaz ka time ho gaya. Aslam chacha culti.

Aur apun bhi culti. Hope vijay ko chappel se maar nahee pade... :)

II B conti 'nude'....

RaauuuuuuuuuuL...

Ohh !! it seems that Vijay and Aslam chacha got stuck in a traffic jam. As Vijay is in a habit of running short sprints in slow motion ( mostly to deliver the final blow to the villun !! ) and Aslam chacha is after all.. A chacha, (he fits the bill to be the coach of the Indian veterans cricket team) they can't possibly sprint to the nearest police thaana.

Their chances of reaching the police thaana 1-2 ghanta before eternity is as bright as Munaf patel hitting the coverpages of gladrags or GQ.

So before they reach the police station, main kuchh apni sunaau. Last ten days were hectic to say the least. Another project demo in madras proved to be a get together of sorts for apne yaar-dost.

Final semester of our engineering lives, *sniff* *sniff* (kutte bhi aise hi karte hai!!). Phir jaane kaun kahaa jaayega. *sniff* (its time to pull out those napkins from my socks, which I lifted from the table in a restaurant the other day. I couldn't stuff more napkins inside as the saltshakers were the size of hand grenades, kya kya andar ghusaata yaar!! waise bell bottoms ki jai ho!!).

After the project review was over, we were as free as Suresh raina. Koi bola movie chalte hai. the obvious question was "Which one??". The answer

" Jiske bhi 10 rs ke tkt available ho!!"

So then gautam and vaibhav negotiated with an auto waalah for a ride to the nearest INOX.

" Anna!!..City center....near lighthouse...How much??" Gautam asked the autowaalah

Anna had a mean look at us four guys. He was busy mentally calculating

* whirr whirr... Four guys...Northies.. whirr..Movie plans...whirr ..No girls accompanying… whirr"

"120 rs." Anna blabbered.

"Ratan Tata samjha kyaa be humko!! " gautam retorted

followed by a hushed "fuckk!! " from your's truly. hehe!!

The autowaalaah waited for some words which he could decipher.

"Anna does that include the movie tkts as well??? But still that is exorbitant, cut the popcorn we can do without it!!" siby tried to act smart

Anna still waited for those words.

"80 Rs... lasst!!" siby made it clear

The Autowaallah anna pointed towards a direction and he scooted off. There was the MTC bus depot. Shame is an extravagance of the riches. We second that.

So we decided. MTC bus zindabaad!!. After 30 minutes of smelling sweaty armpits and stale chameli ke phool in the rickety bus we reached the venue. Ahh the pleasures of air condishoning. Our gang quickly coagulated at the ticket counter. The options were

a) Guru b) Rocky balboa c) Salaam-e-Ishq d) Some random Tamil movie.

Even Salman khan would have guessed it correctly as to which movie's tickets would be available 30 seconds before the show.

The availability of 10 rupee tickets of Guru and rocky was out of question, and alas the Tamil movie tickets were booked too. We were left with Salaam-e-ishq. And we dint have a lifeline. Hmff!!

Then we morons thought why not enjoy the movie. We knew well about the Oscar winning potential of the movie. Commento-fication was on the cards. There were less people inside the theater than the cast of the movie. A laugh riot was waiting to be unleashed.

Four final year engineering students, with moronic intentions armed with a 10 Rs ticket made themselves comfortable on the plush Inox seats and murdered the movie. Some other guys brought alarm clocks to the theater with them and were thoroughly disturbed in their sleep by our gang.

Salman says in the movie " My name is Raauuuuuuuuuuuuuu.....*wolfs howl together on a hill*...uuuuuuuuuuuuuL" and we howled together too. (those who have seen the movie)

The very next day we watched GURU. ( Food for thought : During the last courtroom scene when gurukant points a finger towards roshan seth and says "...humaara desh peeche hai iske jimmedaar aap hai...". I couldn't help thinking that it was like Dhirubhai pointing a finger towards Jawahar lal nehru and blaming his economic policies for the non existant industrial growth in the decades to follow after independence...As it was roshan seth who played Nehru in the epic movie "Gandhi"....does anybody feel the same??)

Agli baar Vijay aur tina ki baaree!!... Hope the traffic jam clears up. :)