Saboot gawaah aur ....Tinaa - VIII

*This is the last part in a series of 8 posts. Scroll down to the end of this page and start from the 1st part*

And then the ultimate gawaah arrives. Vijay and his parents are gasping...The man himself..The principle of the college where Vicky and Vijay ..err..study(?). The principle saab looks like the brand ambassador err Qualis of keo-karpin with the amount of oil applied in his hair. Experts tell me that the oil is enough to cook 3 full plates of bheja fry. and i say to the experts keo-karpin me agar bhejafry banaaoge uncle!!..apne chacha ji ko khilana wo.

Nevertheless principle saab is a god fearing person and has all the "roolshh and regyulayshnn" of the college written on a chit of paper which is kept safely in a "chor pocket" stitched over his undie. (This summer he is planning to get all the "R n Rs" tattooed over his navel).

So principle saab is in the 'katghara'.and saeed jaffrey clears his throat to shoot questions at the shooter (academician) himself.

"Haa to principle saahib!! aap adaalat ko bataaiye ki aap 16 deesambar ki subah 11 baj kar 35 minute aur 26 second par kya kar rahe the..bataaiye janaab!!"

" ( two drops of oil trickle down his head as he thinks hard) ..Jee mai apne office me baith kar apni naak ka ekatteeeswa baal noch raha tha.."

"Objection melorddd!! principle saab ke naak ke baal nochne se iss case ka koi taalluk nahee hai.." bleats Saleem (kumar gaurav)..

Saeed : "TAALLLUK HAI MELORDDD!!!!..Meri daleelo ka iss case se utna hi gehra talluk hai jitna ki raju ke motiyo jaise daanto ka taalluk dabur laal dunt manjan se hai"

The audience cackles and the judge growls "order!! order !! " (these two are simultaneous reactions..aren't they..kemistry me padha tha!!)

Now Mr. jaffrey turns to the princi "Iska matlab ye huaa ki aap apne college me maujood the...point to be noted melordd...acha kya aap bata sakte hai ki mere muvakkil aur aapke kaalij ke honahaar isshtudent Vicky singh uss wakt kaalij me maujood the yaa nahee??"

Silence in the hall.

An assistant rushes to the katghara where the colg principle is standing , with a long notebook in his hand...the assistant tries to show something to the bade master ji.

And then the princi breaks the silence " Kaalij ke Attendanshh regishter ke mutaabik (he adjusts his specs) vicky baba 11 deesambar ki subah apni padhaai me mashroof the.."

Then he hands over the register to Mr. saeed jaffrey , who in turn raises it for the judge saahib to have a look and grant his approval.

"Ye raha wo saboot me lordd jisse iss case ka pardafaash ho jaayega..ye raha wo attendanshh regishter jispar mere muvakkil ke begunaahi ki Present lagi huyee hai"

There is a hushed silence in the adaalat. Then suddenly…

"Ye jhooth hai judge saab!!!" a girl screams her lungs out from the spectators gallery. 'arey ye to tina hai' people squeak.

"Aapko jo kuch bhi kehna hai katghare me aake kahiye." Judge saab wants to have a "good look".

Tina : " Judge saab uss din vicky college me present nahee tha..ek din pehle hi maine uski wahshi aankho me zism ki bhookh dekhi thi.."

"Adalat jazbaat nahee saboot mangti hai saahiba..aapke paas kya saboot hai"

" Jee saboot to..nahee hai..magar......"

Saeed jaffrey cuts her short:" Judge saab ye kya bataayegi ye to khud hi ek nihaayat hi awaara aur badchalan aurat hai...Iske to rangeen kaarnaamo ke kisse naamcheen magazines me chhapte hai.."

Judge saab fishes deeper "Wo magazines adaalat ke saamne pesh kiye jaaye"
And then mr jaffrey hands over a bundle to the judge.

"Adalat inn magazines ko ache se examine karegi..*Ahem* "
The right wala attendant winks at the left guy.

Enraged by the public maligning of his maashooka Vijay jumps the barricade and tries to get hold of saeed jaffrey..

"Kameeene jaffrey!! aaj main teri wo haalat karunga jise dekh kar ye blogger darr ke maare spirituality aur political issues par likhna shuru kar dega!!"

The police kaanstables clutch him as he tries to cripple Mr. jaffrey as well as the readership of this blog. (Come on yaar!! spirituality mere liye aise maano bandar ke haath me ipod.)

"Ye adaalat ki tauheen hai !!!" judge saab roars.

And then some more 'saboot and gawaaho ke bayaanaat' later the judge announces the result

"*Ahem* Tamaam sabooto aur gawaaho ko maddenazar rakhte huye.adaalat ne ye paaya hai ki mulzim vicky singh par lagaaye gaye saare aarop jhoothe aur bebuniyaad hai. aur iss wajah se adaalat Mr vicky singh ko Baa-Izzat bari karti hai"

"naheeeeeeeeeeeeee" and vjay's mum faints..

"kutttttttttttteyyy....." and vijay breaks free..

"Tinaaaaahhh...." the two attendants on either side of the judge sigh...

" kya hua bhai..." Saleem (Kumar gaurav) wakes up..!!

"Cheeyarsshh....." Ranjeet singh and group raise a toast.

I hope the judge means to say baa-izzat 'bury' instead of bari. :)

.....and hey I am off to Chennai for the final project demonstration. c ya ppl. Engineering life ka aakhiri maheena. :’(

Adaalat ki kaaryawahi shuru ki jaaye..-VII

Scene no.-...(err...number bhool gaya....ki farak painda!!)

A wide angle shot of an adaalat filled khachakhach with full blooded audience including bechaare baauji and the chronically ill 'maaji' jinhe dawa ki nahee sirf duaa ki jarurat hai.( Is Mr. Vinod dua reading this??) is flashed on screen. Vicky's father MLA ranjeet singh (sadashiv amrapurkar) is accompanied by the ever grinning and crooked, Singhaniya.the bizzneshman (tinu anand).

A wicked smile is playing on their lips and why not , as they have hired the top criminal lawyer in the city to defend his son's case. Jisne aaj tak ek bhi case nahee haara hai. Amreesh puri is no more. So give way for Saeed jaffrey ,who has words like "mere muvakkil" and "saare ilzamaat bebuniyaad hai" at the tip of his tongue. The champion of courtroom slang , is sure to win this one as well.

On the other side we have the local gudri ka laal , jisne abhi wakaalat ki padhaai pass ki hai, the shanti nagar boy Saleem ( Kumar gaurav) fighting for doing insaaf to the beti of shanti nagar.( oops it isn't shanty nagar)

*Ahem* the judge arrives and everybody rises as a token of respect. The judge who looks like a lost brother of Saroj khan , speaks words which carry considerable 'weight'. He sure does command respect at least among the two malnourished guys wrapped in red, standing either side of his chair. These two guys look as clueless as a tamillian anna or a mallu chetta reading this blog.

"Adaalat ki Karrrwaahi shuru ki jaaye" the Beachball-bellied judge announces.

Saeed jaffrey springs into action:

"Melorddd!! Aaj Ek begunah par aise ghinaune ilzamaat lagaaye gaye hai ki jise sun ke Rakhi sawant bhi sharma kar burka pehen le"

"Objection Melorddddd!! Rakhi sawant ka naam lekar mere kaabil dost adaalat ko gumraah karne ki koshish kar rahe hai" saleem screams.

"Objecshann Overrrulllled...!!!!" Roars the Enraged judge and nearly throws his gavel to hit saleem. The innocent soul saleem swallows a lump and takes his seat instantly.

And in an ultra mellow and sweet voice the melordd asks "..haa to Mr. jaffrey aap rakhi sawant ke baare me kuch bata rahe the..!!"

The attendant standing on the left side of the judge saab is seen smiling sheepishly.

"Melordd!! ye sawaal aap uss naalayak blogger se poochiye jisne ye waahiyaat post likha hai..!!! Mika aur rakhi ke bheege honth abhi bhi ek doosre se 15 saal door hai" says jaffrey as he throws his arms in disgust .

Judge saab realizes his folly and announces

"Chasmadeed gawaaho ko pesh kiya jaaye!!"

Mr Singhaniya(tinu anand) whispers to Ranjeet singh "..Kaash mai bhi iss rape ka ek chashmdeed gawaah hota...maashaallah maza aa jaata..*sigh* "..
Ranjeet singh sniggers at the idea.

Saleem (kumar gaurav) says "Judge saab mera pehla gawaah wo shaksiyat hai jisne shanti nagar ko aman chain ke dhaage me baadh ke rakha hai...Ladies and gentlemen put your hands together and..plzz welcome.. the hot and spicy..the man himself..Aslammmmm chachaa!!! "

Now the right waala attendant smiles at the introduction.

Judge saab barks " Mr. Saleeeeem!! lagta hai aap adaalat ke kaayde kaanun bhool gaye hai . Ye adaalat hai KBC-3 nahee , yaha sirf mushkil urdu lafz hi bole jaate hai.."

Saleem gets the hint and proceeds with his questioning. After some 10 minutes of exchanging urdu words as thick as the neck of bappi lahiri , aslam chacha rushes for his namaaz. The repartee included 6 1/2 "laahaul vilaa kuwat"s is a point worth noting.

(Ab yaar kitne dialogue likhu yaar!! culti maar raha hu)

Saeed jaffrey : "Melordd!! ab mai ek aise gawaah ko pesh karne jaa raha hu jisse iss case kaa rukh palat jaayega aur ye saabit ho jaayega ki mere muvakkil vikky singh bilkul begunaah hai"

The people in the courtroom start talking in hushed tones as the surprise package is yet to be unwrapped. Half of the people discuss Ukraine’s budget-91 and the other half are busy mentally simulating the rape sequence and mouthing their feelings ( read : aaahs and ooohs) at the precise moments.

As the noise grows judge saab finally gets a chance to speak those immortal words "Order!! Order!!"...

And then the ultimate gawaah arrives. Vijay and his parents are gasping...

iss adaalat ko ye blogger agle chaar dino ke liye multavi karta hai...samjhe chadda saab :)