Sunday to Monday

On a Sunday afternoon, trying to put together a write-up (I must add after polishing off two Avian Limbs with gravy), is as arduous as trying to whitewash the nearest building with a toothbrush. Seriously, what a generous Sunday-lunch does to a foodie is what Narco-analysis does to tainted ministers.

And to top it all, lack of sleep the previous night makes matters worse, (especially when you have started with the season opener of LOST at 10 last night). As you stare at the monitor plucking words off the screen by your eyelids, the waft of sleep intoxicate you, slowly decapitate you of your senses, and in no time it feels like you are carrying two software-engineering textbooks on your eyelashes.

Being in such a state, expecting something intelligible to escape from the keyboard to the laptop-screen is highly improbable, and the article looks more like a result of an extended session of FIFA-play, while your word document was open. Tackle-LongPass-Shoot-PublishBlog.

I switched on the TV to keep me from passing out, and suddenly I was caught up in a socio-political ad in which cross-border dumb-charades was being enacted. ‘Aman ki asha’ they call it, looks to me, like an effort to fart out loud when the stomach is running. Poor fellas, to their misery, IPL (Indo-Pak love) is as dead as a Sohail tanveer in a Bajrang dal office.

Flipping past the Sun tvs and the Vijaya tvs and their various off shoots - showing buxom actresses flapping their love-handles trying to keep step with the over ecstatic hero at some foreign locale - I settled for Dance India Dance on Zee. Mithun da sitting alongside Salman khan, both trying to outwit each other, and some deft dancing from the contestants, made good afternoon TV viewing. But it lasted until one of the judges exclaimed after one act, "Chummeshwari performance", as he blowed a kiss to a female participant. Goodness gracious, I searched for my remote, as if it was a screaming family member buried under post-earthquake rubble. Mute. PowerOff. Peace.

Focus shifted to my twitter timeline for some canned inspiration. And guess what I see there - "Arjun rampal wins the national award in the best supporting actor category". I gasped for breath as I searched for the tag #fakingnews appended to the tweet but to no avail. It was indeed breaking news.#fail. This was as ridiculous as watching the pirated version of Avatar on your Ipod nano.

Sometimes I feel my timeline looks like a green-peace protest rally, as the tweets look more like protest-march-placard text. Chill maaro yaaro.
And there are celeb-tweets, invariably followed by a smart-ass twitterer pointing out the spelling mistakes of the aforementioned tweet. Surely for them, getting a life in addition to getting one full blooded "Fukoff" as a reply from the celeb, are two of the resolutions for the new year. And the Glamour dolls have nothing to "loose" here on twitter, "definately" more followers are gonna throng "there" timelines, their #grammargandu-isms notwithstanding and with that I rest my case here.

Saturday, before its death, had poured a refreshing Sunday into the cup of our lives. You take a few sips and before you could appreciate the taste and aroma, It has evaporated and, yeah, you snickering morons I am not on crack *hic*.

And for some of you who are still reading this at your workstations, Alt+tabbing to glory, don't get caught on the wrong tab, given you already got caught on the wrong job. Have a great week ahead. Btw can u tell me the score from the cricinfo tab you just whizzed past? I know Gambhir is putting up a 'Chummeshwari performance.'

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Garam Bheja Fry LIVE!

Now Garam Bheja fry half plate(low calorie), will be delivered to you 24x7 (We work on public holidays also, infact we work the most on those very days). If you are on twitter, here is the link to follow :-

Garambhejafry at twitter

and if you are not on twitter, then you are as innocent as Pathiv patel's paaltu Khargosh. Join the Bandwagon. I'll be more than happy to trade tweets with you peepul. C ya there :)

Garam Bheja Fry reloaded

Hello world! The GaramBhejaFry reporter welcomes you aaal. Long time isn't it?. Well, our correspondent had been super naturally busy, as busy as that Christiano Ronaldo is, peeling off girls from his torso. Some of the girls turned into tattoos, they say.

As most of you have pointed out that the count of posts published here in the past 3 months, is equal to the number of girlfriends you have, it’s high time I shove a post in here. Evidently, Plenty of Water tankers have passed under the bridge since I last updated this space.

Phew! Let me recollect.

We learnt about this ex-employee of Goldman sachs, Mr.bhagat, allegedly traumatised by a Credit crisis, when his name was relegated to the rolling credits of a movie, which rolled faster than a Mutual fund ad disclaimer. (MutualFundsAresubjecttomarketrisk....)

( Telemarketer: "Dear Mr bhagat, we are offering you a life time platinum Credit..."
CB : "Bah! I don't need it, I already have a lot of credit..."
TM : *giggle* Ahem!)

Heh! Credit crisis and Goldman sachs employees- A case of the chicken and egg. Who the faak was responsible, when you sold those stinking loans and jobs were lost? Huh??

"As you sow, so shall you reap"

- Farmville

And "an ugly duckling has entered your farm" ..that too.

Moving ahead; There was that Andy roddick who used to serve 3-love, after breaking the service twice, and now we have our very own Andy tiwari serving to 3-love(rs) after breaking in to the cervix more than twice for sure. (ha!). Tiwari ji ki Jai ho!

*pause for the reader to Google the term 'cervix' and get the juice of the previous sentence :D*

Lawn tennis and Yawn tennis. (Yawn as in Yawn rog :sponsored by Dr. Hashmi, who eternally operates from hotel sunshine, behind the bus stand)

(" yeah i want that...mmmm....yeah yeah..that one...uh uh...")

Those who say, this Dr. hashmi piece has been done to death on this blog, recollect your 'jawaani me kee gayee galtiyaan', and head out to offer your ‘tohfa’ for the world to ‘kabool’.

But then our GBF reporter has much more masala on news items, than you already pretend to know about. Our reporter will take it from here.

1) There was a special screening of the movie Pyar-impossible organised for Tushar kapoor, Mimmoh and Sohail khan, in which one of their very own - Uday chopra is shown to win his lady love, after coding an Operating system.

"Dhur shaala! Itna simpul" Mimmoh smirks.

He claims that if Uday chopra can code an operating system, he can bloody start tweeting from an ORPAT calculator, Poor little orang-utan, appeared in nearly 17 zoo-zoo ads without any makeup and costume, all in vain.







+

(Pappa!!, Check out my first tweet, "123456789123" watsay? Number of gundas my pappa has beaten to death in his career? please Retweet no pappa)

The three starlets came out of the theatre with eyelashes as soggy as Harbhajan singh's vest is, on the 3rd day of a Chennai test match. After watching the movie, the trio has sincerely vowed to remain side-kicks through-out their sorry lives, like the kind of people who back-slap the lead heroes with throwing in lines “yaar tu bilkul nahee badla”, “Aaj mai jo bhi hoon, sab teri vajah se hoon, mere dost!”.Aargh!

Almost all the people, who have seen the movie, are happily attaching the movie tickets along with their Tax saving documents and claiming tax benefits for the money spent as "Charity for Uday".

Meanwhile, GBF has learnt that the storywriter had tweeted the detailed story of the movie to Priyanka chopra some 6 months back, and had asked about the well being of her parents in the same tweet. Priyanka chopra, guessing by the story, inferred, that the role of Uday chopra in the movie was as substantial as that of a corner stool. (No, not *that* stool!), and she would ‘reign supreme’ (and not that Sabun ki tikiya too). Relieved, Priyanka chopra shot back with her standard "Good night tweeps! tomorrow is a big day for me, excited yet nervous, counting on your support" and slept off.

Corner stool for sure

Eventually it was proved - Priyanka and the Inferior chopra - Pair Impossible.

2. Our reporter just got this scoop from the CNN-IBN headquarters that the once-in-a-million-years-Solar-Eclipse will be a celestial event happening on a quarterly basis from now on. Those of you who had missed 'The-Solar-Eclipse-which-you'll-never-see-again-in-your-lifetime', few months back, can catch it again, this summer.

Mr ArNoob from Times Now, has prepared, what they call a "Breaking news template" in which they can readily fill values and flash it across their news channel in no time. The template goes like "Tharoor tweets _____.Senior leaders miffed", an idea as lame as this particular post on the blog.

3. In other news, Bappi lahiri has recently been recovered from a Muthoot Gold Finance locker, some asshole coaxed bappi da into coming along to the Muthoot office and before any bokachoda could help bappi da, he was nabbed by the Gold finance guys and somehow shoved into a locker. The reported asshole got two SBI ATMs full of cash in exchange. Ha! SBI Atms, which require tremendous amount of Embedded systems programming, before you can withdraw your hard(ly) earned money. Bappi da has turned into a Slab of flesh. What was he earlier then? Pshaw.

4. The Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world, was officially opened recently. Some people remarked that the idea of a suicide is not jumping off the top of Burj khalifa, but climbing up to the top, taking the stairs. Fair enough isn’t it? Now the paperwala will have to install a Bofors Gun on his bicycle to launch the rolled newspaper to the 96th floor waale Gupta ji’s door. Imagine the plight of the sabjiwala. The elevators of the building will be 2x2 semi-sleeper, and will have restrooms. Now the earth looks like a Ball-pin from space.

For All those who are new to this blog! I present to you the Best of GaramBhejaFry.

1. The Garambhejafry Dissection centre

2. FaceBhookh

3. Kutte mai tera khoon pee jaunga

4. The making of a Action se bharpoor 90's movie

Keep Visiting!

The week that was.

A weekly round-up of events that make news can suffice to spill over an MS word page, which when splattered across the blog would entitle the author a much needed sigh of relief and a non-blogging-guilt-free pass for over a week or two. :)

This past week, our very own Force-Indianized Kingfishi-chella earned himself and his team a podium finish, (which caused considerable beer-logging on the roads of Bangalore, near the Mallya residence especially). And there were some nitpickers who smelled hardly anything Indian about the victory, claiming it’s the Italian driver who has done it for the Force India team.

Ha! Talk of Italian drivers. Morons who do you think is driving our country for the last five an half years.

And when MS gill was asked what does the future of motor-sports in India look like, in the wake of this momentous victory. His curt response was:

"WTF-1".

No mincing words.

The big shocker of the week was the AP CM YSR's sad demise. No fooling around with this piece of news folks.

Our correspondent Quick gun-Ajay devgan has reported a Dosa - Saambhar story : Pak trashed the Indian Dossier on 26/11, following which the mood at the Indian embassy in Pakistan was Sombre. Now he expects us to giggle at that, paah adaa paavi!

Following a sizzling news story at office can be fun as well as highly rewarding, a hard fought cricket match, a missing CM, an ongoing terrorist strike. In most of these cases the bosses are the most ill-informed of the lot, and here is the chance for the alert rookies,( who are dead determined to break the news to their managers) to win some brownie points. Despite people having PCs at their respective seats, 3-4 people have to huddle around one monitor, to read about a developing news story. The radio-commentary-camaraderie of yore. The bosses eventually get sucked into it and casually ask about the development, this is when all of the employees who were hitherto arming themselves to the teeth with the news-fact-ammunition, shoot their arrows towards their boss. The winner is the one who presents the most startling and invigorating account of the event laced with unheard of factoids. Example-

Boss (to the huddle): "Have they found him, the CM ??" (Thought bubble : Let me show them my human face...for the timebeing)

Emp1 : (grabs the opp) "No sir, apparently the helicopter had crashed, while it was heading for chittoor in some forest named Nala...Nala...

Emp2 : (Jumps in) Nalamalla forests and the names of the pilots were S K Bhatia and captain M S Reddy. The helicopter's name was Bell-430 about 10 years old and...

Emp3: The area is dense and infested with tigers and the chenchu tribes, they are one of the most primitive tribes in india, their history dating back to...

Boss : "Have they found him, the CM ??"

and then irrespective of the answer he gets, he makes an all-encompassing statement about the incurable rot in the system and moves on, which leaves all the three employees vigorously nodding in approval.

(each employee's thought bubble : "The other two assholes are bloody leaches, nevertheless the boss looks impressed with my alertness")

So until next time, learn the art. :)

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Swines and technology

When I was a small kid, I read in my Colorful English grammar textbook that an example of an Exclamatory sentence is :

"Hurrah! we have won the match".

In my 18 years of conscious existence, iski sibling ki, kisi ko "hurrah" bolte naa suna. I mean hmpfff.

Hi there, it has been a long time since I scribbled something non-bulleted at this space, the kind of points which describe the kind of people - for an instance - who are ear-plugged to Ajay devgan's movie songs in office, while playing it so loud, that the "Naa kajre ki dhaar, naa motiyo ka haar..." song spills over to 10 cubicles around, from their miniature earplugs. No wonder you have to fire a cannon-ball to catch their attention. haah!

Enough of segregating people with a FB-quiz-sque mindset, I mean c'mon I am/could be one of them as well. And no points to the person, who wants to remind me that the song "Naa kajre ki dhaar..." song is not from an Ajay devgan movie. hmpff!

Look around you, the world has changed since I last posted here. Look at that Bolt fellow, people say he should wear a license plate on his arse, and should be given a fair chance of oiling the cops, lest they nab him for speeding. If he plays cricket, he should be made to stand on the square leg boundary, and he'll still be able to pull off those bat-n-pad catches. Talking of cricket, the kangaroos, with their tails firmly between their "asses"(ha!), have hopped back to their den, to assault the poor Indian student whose English is as good as your Spanish. Green card chaida tainu!

And the other big news story causing 'news-breakage' once too often on 24x7 news channels, is involving the turmoil within a national party, whose top leaders take turns in rubbing life in to the 'Jinnah of the lamp', who in turn, ironically grants wishes only to their political opponents.

"Jas want to say I am not shourie".

Yeah they just want to say they aren't apologizing for what they have said, and why should they. Hmpff.

Besides on the personal front, life has become sedate, weekends are hectic and the gruesome-weekdays oxymoronic. An efficient work-drainage system has to in place before the work-monsoon arrives and causes work-logging on my way to a timely exit from the office on weekdays. You don't need any drainage if you stay at a higher altitude. You know what I mean.

In other news, our very own square-jawed George-clooney - Ekta chaudhary dint make it to the final fifteen of the Miss Universe pageant, for reasons mentioned at the beginning of this sentence. A miss universe makes news only twice a year, once when she is crowned the title and the other time when she is crowning the new miss universe; rest of the time, her name remains an answer of a GK quiz question of reasonable difficulty.

The spread of Swines and technology has jeopardized the survival of mankind, or at least this is what, you know WHO, makes us want to believe. After a swine-flu hastened death recorded in my lane where I stay and 5 confirmed cases already detected on the same floor as I work, I still am optimistic, coz people say I am a swine and just need a day's rest to recover.
The panic situation in pune is so bad that people are being robbed on sneeze-point. (Gun-point is passé'). People are wearing space-suits to multiplexes, and even shahid kapoor is pronouncing 'Slu' as 'Slu' only!

Enuf of bakwaas, go watch/do shaktiman with shahid!

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The kind of people who are around you!

(Caution : Extreme sarcasm ahead)

Who forward ppts about philosophy of life and happiness as email attachments, with lots of pics of kids and flowers.

Who use the word- "did" followed by a past tense form of any verb in sentences, they speak/write. For Ex- "I did not went there yesterday".

When they press the 'enter' key after typing some lines on a chat window, the Enter-keystroke can be heard within a radius of 20ft.

Who hope that they don't stumble upon any known face, while they step out of the office lavatory. These guys wear an apologetic look on their faces and are trying to communicate with their body language : "Dint get time in the morning yaar!!".

Who act as if they are searching for their friend in the crowd, but actually are checking out a particular girl. The girl is completely aware of the fact, contrary to the belief of the gentleman.

Who hope that any of their friends gets tagged in some random album so that they can run through the entire album, searching for pretty sights.

Who post stuff on their blog, and go to the extent of tattooing the link of the post onto their bodies to bargain for an appreciative comment or two.

Who always claim their credit limit is maxed out, and so you have to book the movie tickets from your card for the group/that particular person.

Who indulge in urinal-dialogues, that is talking to the adjacent urinal occupant while taking a piss, which irritates you to no end.

Who write their profile names on orkut/facebook in Capital letters.

Who make it a point to stash away some 45 chilly flakes and oregano sachets when they order a pizza.

Who often keep their cellphones in their shirt pockets.

Who write ROFL / LMAO/ ROFLMAO without actually knowing the full form.

Who use the same Bisleri pet bottle for two years to store and drink tap-water from.

Who keep the phone at a 45 degree angle with their ear while talking.

Who play Orkut game applications and get excited after a high score which they publish gleefully.

Who mull over calling back that Nigerian businessman who has offered them to part with his cash, for a little help.

Who recommend "You can win" by Shiv kheda to random people.

Who hail Chetan bhagat as the best thing to happen to Indian literature.

Who post word-art(for ex- A guitar made of hashes and asterisks) as orkut-testimonials to friends.

Who don't know how to react and what to say, when some-one thanks them graciously.

Who look away from the camera while posing for a shot, when they are wearing Aviators.

Who have secretly clicked the "Unlike" button on Facebook at some point of time.

Who actually click on the Google ads.

Can u add more....

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27 vital stats you must know

1) 67% of the self righteous elderly gentlemen believe that farting should be banned at petrol bunks citing it as a precautionary measure.

2) 57% of the youngsters do fart at petrol bunks after relieving their bums from the pillion seat after a long ride.

3) 81% of the old folks talk considerably loud while on an STD call.
4) 81% of engineering students talk loudly anyway.

5) 7.5% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss national politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

6) 0.0075% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss State politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

7) 65% of the people use their mobile-phones as a timepiece.

8) 73% of the boys who are wearing goggles look around pompously for any beautiful girl who's checking them out.

9) 58% of the people haven't completed reading Fountainhead/Atlas shrugged despite years of hard work put in.

10) 76% of the 14-24 Age group men still giggle seeing stray condom packets on the sidewalk or elsewhere.

11) 91% of the engineers have absolutely no idea as to what does an HR professional do in a day's work.

12) 87% of the 18-25 Age group people get excited seeing a vehicle bearing their home-state's license plate.
for example -: Upon seeing GJ-01-6789 "Ey ghel-chodyaaa!!!!"

13) 93% of the people belonging to the 20-30 age group use the words "Autowaalas" and "bastard" in the same sentence.

14) 89% of the people who refer Google maps before heading for an un-chartered territory or destination get terribly lost in their way.

15) 77% of the young men after washing their hands wipe their hands clean of water by gloving their hands in their respective jeans pant pockets.

16) In 75% of the high schools, Male absenteeism is at its peak just a day before Raksha bandhan.
The rest 25% schools are boys-only.

17) 93% of the 18-25 age group boys wear a super low waist jeans pant over a Jockey undergarment. So that even if they wear a Silk Kurta the label should show somehow.

18) 99.9% of the actors would never wear the undergarment brands they are endorsing.

19) 67% of the girls who are obese wear super tight tees and denim pants which are about to explode. (god knows why)

20) 81% of boys agreed to the fact that the first thing they do when they enter a coffee shop is to check whether any cute girl is sitting inside.

21) 87% of the people aged between 18-25 years mock at the alleged stupidity of the news items broad-casted by the Hindi news channels, 65% of the above youth have confessed watching those news items on a regular basis.

22) 87% of even the most liberal boys who see a girl on the pillion seat tightly clasping the male rider, use the words "indian culture", "tradition" and "girls character" in consecutive sentences.

99% of those boys would kill for being that male rider.

23) 73% of the people extremely detest those facebook users who claim to have an awesome time every five minutes, and they share this feeling every alternate day through their status msgs.

24) In 75% of the cases when there are 5 people to be dropped at their respective homes in a friend's car, then 90% of the passengers when starting from the same point, quicken their steps towards the front door to get that seat.

25) When boys thumb down messages on their cellphone while driving, 95% of those messages are intended for a female recipient.

26) 78% of the people who hang-up on escaping with saying "I'll call you later", never call back.

27) 2% of all times when a person looks in to the rear view mirror over his head, is for actually gauging the incoming traffic,

the rest :-

68% of the times checking out that hot female who's is this cousin of a friend, sitting in the back seat or may be the beauty behind the wheel driving right behind.
30% of the time showing his distaste through a cold stare to his friend for being coaxed into dropping some random tag-along bitchy female to the other end of the city.

Pick your top 3 and do tell me :) and do check out shashank fame gajabkhopdi's post for more of such viral stats.

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