Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Gr8 Indian Train Journey!!

The Archeological survey of india has written to me regarding the writings on this blog which will soon be declared as ancient scriptures and would be kept inside glass cases stacked up for display in random museums with japanese tourists going wild fujifilming and nikoning it. Haan miyaa!! bhelcome once again to the same old adda, where you spilled your giggles and always saved your words miserly without even caring to spend them on my comment page , but you did contribute to the hitcount of this blog which is set to hit the 28K mark soon isiliye thankooz!!.

(Wink wink : adsense meter whirring!!)

So without much further ado and 'undo' i should go about justifying the title of this post which is as amusing as listening to the 'Mr Beans show' on the radio.
The Sleeper class me baithne waali junta can be "Danish-kaneria-ke-gaalo-se-bhi-jyaada-rough-ly" classified into :-

1) H2H2 - hum do humaare do families:- The ideal nuclear family which nukes your peace of mind inside the compartment if you happen to share the same. Imagine yourself sitting on the window seat cool-ly flipping through pages of a random "feel-good" magazine with your tired legs stretched on the berth, a gentle breeze running through your hair, with all your li'l luggage already chained you think about your hometown, friends and family back home.Aah absolute bliss. then suddenly :-

"O bhaai saab!! aapka seat number kaun saa hai??" A middle aged person farts on your face. Following him is his family with two wailing chunnu munnus and their clumsy mommy bearing a "disaster management look" on her face.

You try your best to sound polite "Bhaai saab 17 number seat meri hai, khidki waali "

"Paaaapppppaa mekko window waali seat chahiyyyyye!! uwaaaaa....!! mekko chahiiiyeee..." chunnu bursts out..

"Abhi dilaate hai betaa...,Eskooj me bhaaisab baache ke liye thoda adjust kar lijiye!!" and you look at the li'l moron(chunnu) while gritting your teeth and then u think of those condom commercials issued in public interest. You wish some sanity had prevailed. bah!

Then comes the "luggage management" part. The family seems to have brought their town's luggage, some reputed oriya hurricanes to be blamed. And they try to squeeze it all thru the space below the lower berth. Your pyaara sa airbag looks like parthiv patel sharing a stool to sit with andrew symonds.

Himesh reshammiya and compart me familiyaa unbearable hai dost!!

There will be at least an army of relatives on the platform who would have come to see off their "banaras waale chacha" and "Kanpur waali mausi". And when you get to know that one such mausi(who's incidentally sharing the same compartment as yours) has just spilled some fresh achaar (pickle) on your snazzy airbag, its just too late. "F-16 to F-22 wala" dreams bedamned.

And when the T.T. arrives with his beachball-belly preceeding him, his coat buttons discuss among themselves "haaye!! Hum Berozgaar button. :( !!".

The TT in a grim voice blares "Haan vaiii!! ticket dikhaao!!"

Now at this point of time chunnu ki mummy is seen frantically searching for the ticket in her purse to no avail. Hubby dear is impatient "Pachaas baar kaha hai nikalne se pehle ticket samhaal ke rakha karo, Mr. bajaj laake dega kya tkt!! "

Searching for the railway ticket in her purse is as difficult as searching for rajpal yadav in the grand canyons. After some 10 minutes of mining into the purse she fishes out the ticket which is stuck to the soap paper with the PNR number imprinted on the "jab zor se ho aai, aur saabun naa de dikhaai, then instant haath ki safaai" waala paper.

TT baabu is used to this, so he shows no signs of disgust and goes about asking other victims in the compartment for the tickets, including you. And when the train halts at some random station its the (stone) age old tradition for the the daddyji to fill every empty thing in the compartment with the "shuddh and sheetal jal" which you get on the platforms. He disappears with the empty bottles in the mileu and after a while when its time for the train to depart, the mummyji again with the same disaster management look on her face exclaims " Kahaa chale gaye paani laane!! abhi tak nahee laaye!!" you have to fulfill the moral obligation to comfort her by saying "Aa jaayenge!! ab paani lene bisleri ke bottling plant thode hi gaye honge!!".

Her hubby after out muscling and out-swearing (naya word note kar le!!) the other uncles at the water cooler, comes out all smiles with two half filled bottles under his arm pits and a torn sleeve plus the buttons of his shirt in his hands. Fair deal !! (Torn sleeve kisi aur ke shirt ki hai bhaai!! :P).

2) CKC - college ka chhokraas :- If by any chance you are travelling alone and you happen to find these chhokraas in your compartment, then you are sure to have an awesome time during the journey, but if by sheer misfortune you are with your family then your situation would be like of that uncle who took his chunnu munnus and missus accompanied by their dhaarmic dada-daadi to a theater to watch the movie "Jab we met" and they accidently enter the screen playing "Jab we MATE". Chunnu munnu couldn't hide their elation.

Yeah these colg dudes can be gross. An average engineering student's lingo can give any sailor a run or may i say sail for their money. Every sentence they utter is sandwiched between words which u utter each time you hear the actual figure of your boss' salary.

Once the brats are done with chaining their luggage and "sutta" they are set to explore the train for those "F-16 to F-22"s , whose locations they had by hearted from the reservation chart pasted outside the coach. They put the official SOP (statement of purpose) as "Searching for the Pantry" but you know what they are up to.('Been there done that' kind of stuff for u guys!!..hai ki nahee??). They scan each compartment they pass by, and the data is shared among themselves when they reach the ends of the coach near the washbasin. And when that data is churned to come up with some vital information as to "which coach and which berth no.", the whole group oscillates to and fro about the "point of interest".

These dudes like to get down at every other platform, roll up their sleeves, light a ciggy and look around and say "Weather kitna sexy hai re!!", (even if the train halts there just for a few nanoseconds). These guys sure are cool. I was one such brat some time back, alas i'm spoilt now.

Aah the joys of the sleeper class. the sight of the stones and gravel from the hole in the commode, the sacred inscriptions on the toilet walls for instance some outright materialistic "Saleema i luv you..err..your.." and some philosophical as in "Ek aadmi ke hote hai 2 mouth , ek to hota hai north aur ek south"[of his anatomy] and some cheesy lines like .."Boond Boond se saagar bharta hai, apni boonde apne pass rakhiye" (ab aur nahee likhta!! rehne de yaar kuchh adults bhi blog padhte hai..:P.), the unadulterated entertainment provided by those clappy-happy eunuchs, the chaaiwaalahs drawl "chaiiiiiii...bhains ki doodh ki chaai", the wait listed passengers clutching on to their tickets sandwiched between two hundred rupees notes waiting for the TT sahab,.. and a lot more . Phew!! so many memories!! Lets see if you can add to this list!! till then Sat sri tatkaal!!