Garam Bheja Fry

The week that was.

2009-09-04T23:34:00.006+05:30

A weekly round-up of events that make news can suffice to spill over an MS word page, which when splattered across the blog would entitle the author a much needed sigh of relief and a non-blogging-guilt-free pass for over a week or two. :)

This past week, our very own Force-Indianized Kingfishi-chella earned himself and his team a podium finish, (which caused considerable beer-logging on the roads of Bangalore, near the Mallya residence especially). And there were some nitpickers who smelled hardly anything Indian about the victory, claiming it’s the Italian driver who has done it for the Force India team.

Ha! Talk of Italian drivers. Morons who do you think is driving our country for the last five an half years.

And when MS gill was asked what does the future of motor-sports in India look like, in the wake of this momentous victory. His curt response was:

"WTF-1".

No mincing words.

The big shocker of the week was the AP CM YSR's sad demise. No fooling around with this piece of news folks.

Our correspondent Quick gun-Ajay devgan has reported a Dosa - Saambhar story : Pak trashed the Indian Dossier on 26/11, following which the mood at the Indian embassy in Pakistan was Sombre. Now he expects us to giggle at that, paah adaa paavi!

Following a sizzling news story at office can be fun as well as highly rewarding, a hard fought cricket match, a missing CM, an ongoing terrorist strike. In most of these cases the bosses are the most ill-informed of the lot, and here is the chance for the alert rookies,( who are dead determined to break the news to their managers) to win some brownie points. Despite people having PCs at their respective seats, 3-4 people have to huddle around one monitor, to read about a developing news story. The radio-commentary-camaraderie of yore. The bosses eventually get sucked into it and casually ask about the development, this is when all of the employees who were hitherto arming themselves to the teeth with the news-fact-ammunition, shoot their arrows towards their boss. The winner is the one who presents the most startling and invigorating account of the event laced with unheard of factoids. Example-

Boss (to the huddle): "Have they found him, the CM ??" (Thought bubble : Let me show them my human face...for the timebeing)

Emp1 : (grabs the opp) "No sir, apparently the helicopter had crashed, while it was heading for chittoor in some forest named Nala...Nala...

Emp2 : (Jumps in) Nalamalla forests and the names of the pilots were S K Bhatia and captain M S Reddy. The helicopter's name was Bell-430 about 10 years old and...

Emp3: The area is dense and infested with tigers and the chenchu tribes, they are one of the most primitive tribes in india, their history dating back to...

Boss : "Have they found him, the CM ??"

and then irrespective of the answer he gets, he makes an all-encompassing statement about the incurable rot in the system and moves on, which leaves all the three employees vigorously nodding in approval.

(each employee's thought bubble : "The other two assholes are bloody leaches, nevertheless the boss looks impressed with my alertness")

So until next time, learn the art. :)

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Swines and technology

2009-08-26T11:03:00.003+05:30

When I was a small kid, I read in my Colorful English grammar textbook that an example of an Exclamatory sentence is :

"Hurrah! we have won the match".

In my 18 years of conscious existence, iski sibling ki, kisi ko "hurrah" bolte naa suna. I mean hmpfff.

Hi there, it has been a long time since I scribbled something non-bulleted at this space, the kind of points which describe the kind of people - for an instance - who are ear-plugged to Ajay devgan's movie songs in office, while playing it so loud, that the "Naa kajre ki dhaar, naa motiyo ka haar..." song spills over to 10 cubicles around, from their miniature earplugs. No wonder you have to fire a cannon-ball to catch their attention. haah!

Enough of segregating people with a FB-quiz-sque mindset, I mean c'mon I am/could be one of them as well. And no points to the person, who wants to remind me that the song "Naa kajre ki dhaar..." song is not from an Ajay devgan movie. hmpff!

Look around you, the world has changed since I last posted here. Look at that Bolt fellow, people say he should wear a license plate on his arse, and should be given a fair chance of oiling the cops, lest they nab him for speeding. If he plays cricket, he should be made to stand on the square leg boundary, and he'll still be able to pull off those bat-n-pad catches. Talking of cricket, the kangaroos, with their tails firmly between their "asses"(ha!), have hopped back to their den, to assault the poor Indian student whose English is as good as your Spanish. Green card chaida tainu!

And the other big news story causing 'news-breakage' once too often on 24x7 news channels, is involving the turmoil within a national party, whose top leaders take turns in rubbing life in to the 'Jinnah of the lamp', who in turn, ironically grants wishes only to their political opponents.

"Jas want to say I am not shourie".

Yeah they just want to say they aren't apologizing for what they have said, and why should they. Hmpff.

Besides on the personal front, life has become sedate, weekends are hectic and the gruesome-weekdays oxymoronic. An efficient work-drainage system has to in place before the work-monsoon arrives and causes work-logging on my way to a timely exit from the office on weekdays. You don't need any drainage if you stay at a higher altitude. You know what I mean.

In other news, our very own square-jawed George-clooney - Ekta chaudhary dint make it to the final fifteen of the Miss Universe pageant, for reasons mentioned at the beginning of this sentence. A miss universe makes news only twice a year, once when she is crowned the title and the other time when she is crowning the new miss universe; rest of the time, her name remains an answer of a GK quiz question of reasonable difficulty.

The spread of Swines and technology has jeopardized the survival of mankind, or at least this is what, you know WHO, makes us want to believe. After a swine-flu hastened death recorded in my lane where I stay and 5 confirmed cases already detected on the same floor as I work, I still am optimistic, coz people say I am a swine and just need a day's rest to recover.
The panic situation in pune is so bad that people are being robbed on sneeze-point. (Gun-point is passé'). People are wearing space-suits to multiplexes, and even shahid kapoor is pronouncing 'Slu' as 'Slu' only!

Enuf of bakwaas, go watch/do shaktiman with shahid!

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Heppi frendsheep day!

2008-08-03T16:25:00.005+05:30

In future :-

"Aur bhai, sharma ji, Friendship day mubaarak ho!!"

"Ahha ! Aapko bhi bahut bahut mubaarak ho.. yaar hum kaafi der se aapka number try kar rahe the, friendship day ki shubhkaamna dene ke liye, busy aa raha tha jab se"

"Haanji kya bataau ab parv-tyohaar waale din to phone busy hi rehta hai, he he he"

"Aur bataaiye bhabhiji kaha hai, kya pakwaan ban rahe hai aaj?"

"Bhabhi ji baccho ko naye kapde dilaane le gayee hai...aur pakwaan ka kya hai, wahee gujiya aur dahee badey bane hai aaj"

"Haan yaar bhabhi ji se yaad aaya, humaari kaamwaali baai bhi nayee saaree maang rahee hai, friendship day naa ho gaya diwali ho gayee"

"Ye hai hi itna paawan din, aur haan shaam ko humne ghar par ek choti see pooja rakhi hai, Mrs aur baccho ko leke aaiyega"

"Jarur jarur..thoda ghar ke whitewash ka kaam bacha hai wo nipta ke pahuchenge"..

Scene 2 :

"hello..hello Aunty Tina ghar par hai !!"

"kaun??"

"Jee mai uska classmate Ramesh bol raha hu..aunty mujhe tina ko 'haippee fraandship day' wish karna tha"

"Accha achaa tum wahee ramesh ho jisne last year bhi friendship day ke din phone kiya tha?"

"haan aunty mai wahee (Abhaga) ramesh hoon"

"Beta lagta hai iss ek saal me tum kuch khaas progress nahee kar paaye, abhi tak sirf friendship ke liye hi fight maar rahe ho"

"Haan aunty *sighs* beech me Valentine's day bhi nikal gaya, lekin afsos"

"Dhyaan se beta, Raakhi bhi paas hi hai..kahee kuch apshagun naa ho jaaye"

"jarur jarur"

Haippee Fraandsheep day to aal of you barring a few (arey kyuki Valentine's day ka bhi tyohaar aane waala hai). Friendship day is the foundation for the house, to be built ,whose housewarming is scheduled six months later on the valentine's day and subsequent "hum 2 se 3 ho gaye moment" 9 months later on the children's day.

The irony is, your best of friends will never call you or message you on this day except for those assholes who vanished from your social radar completely after college. And then on one fine friendship day they suddenly blip on your cell phone's inbox. if suppose you call them up (condition holds only if the long lost friend is remotely feminine) and ask their whereabouts they take a deep breath and say "Ab kya bataau yaar.....maar rakhi hai". Those "work life imbalance crybabies".

Anyways, the concept of this very day - which the movie "kuch kuch hota hai" gave birth in to the minds of the youth (opportunist cum frustrated baayez)- gives every frustoo like moi a chance to break the ice-berg between any closest good looking object of the opposite sex and similar orientation. And as they say in the west "Happy friendship day, your place or mine?". Hum to phir bhi bahut peeche hai.

Aur ab humaari baari, I have settled down at my place of work. Free diet coke and sprite fountain at work certainly helps, throw in some dime-less cappuccino and i love this place. For kicks i am working on an application which is gonna replace the T9 dictionary you have in your phones (ab pucho ki ye T9 kya hai..message karne time kaam aata hai).

And yeah i have youtube running on my office PC and so blogging takes a back seat and safely makes love with my CAT preps (which is also on the back seat by the way) while the chauffeur (meri naukri) drives them through. But i am sure if i devote the amount of time that Salman khan takes to read "Ab hum khelenge dus ka dam", i may crack something.

In a relatively high paying job like this(and i repeat - relatively), the employer as well as the employee, both pay a price. :) The employer takes care of my pay-cheque and i take care of the "Time cheque" -which i issue to my employer ( its the number of minutes of my day time which i fill in the cheques with, to "pay the price".)

In future, the seniors say, i may have to issue blank cheques as well to my employers, you know what i mean. and they'll say you are learning.Hmpff.

"Ab kya bataau yaar.....maar rakhi hai" ;)

Lets hope the honeymoon period i am enjoying currently with my employer, continues at least till the next Valentine's day, so that i can outsmart Ramesh once again. *wink wink wink....*

The kind of people who are around you!

2009-07-30T10:14:00.006+05:30

(Caution : Extreme sarcasm ahead)

Who forward ppts about philosophy of life and happiness as email attachments, with lots of pics of kids and flowers.

Who use the word- "did" followed by a past tense form of any verb in sentences, they speak/write. For Ex- "I did not went there yesterday".

When they press the 'enter' key after typing some lines on a chat window, the Enter-keystroke can be heard within a radius of 20ft.

Who hope that they don't stumble upon any known face, while they step out of the office lavatory. These guys wear an apologetic look on their faces and are trying to communicate with their body language : "Dint get time in the morning yaar!!".

Who act as if they are searching for their friend in the crowd, but actually are checking out a particular girl. The girl is completely aware of the fact, contrary to the belief of the gentleman.

Who hope that any of their friends gets tagged in some random album so that they can run through the entire album, searching for pretty sights.

Who post stuff on their blog, and go to the extent of tattooing the link of the post onto their bodies to bargain for an appreciative comment or two.

Who always claim their credit limit is maxed out, and so you have to book the movie tickets from your card for the group/that particular person.

Who indulge in urinal-dialogues, that is talking to the adjacent urinal occupant while taking a piss, which irritates you to no end.

Who write their profile names on orkut/facebook in Capital letters.

Who make it a point to stash away some 45 chilly flakes and oregano sachets when they order a pizza.

Who often keep their cellphones in their shirt pockets.

Who write ROFL / LMAO/ ROFLMAO without actually knowing the full form.

Who use the same Bisleri pet bottle for two years to store and drink tap-water from.

Who keep the phone at a 45 degree angle with their ear while talking.

Who play Orkut game applications and get excited after a high score which they publish gleefully.

Who mull over calling back that Nigerian businessman who has offered them to part with his cash, for a little help.

Who recommend "You can win" by Shiv kheda to random people.

Who hail Chetan bhagat as the best thing to happen to Indian literature.

Who post word-art(for ex- A guitar made of hashes and asterisks) as orkut-testimonials to friends.

Who don't know how to react and what to say, when some-one thanks them graciously.

Who look away from the camera while posing for a shot, when they are wearing Aviators.

Who have secretly clicked the "Unlike" button on Facebook at some point of time.

Who actually click on the Google ads.

Can u add more....

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27 vital stats you must know

2009-06-23T16:07:00.005+05:30

1) 67% of the self righteous elderly gentlemen believe that farting should be banned at petrol bunks citing it as a precautionary measure.

2) 57% of the youngsters do fart at petrol bunks after relieving their bums from the pillion seat after a long ride.

3) 81% of the old folks talk considerably loud while on an STD call.
4) 81% of engineering students talk loudly anyway.

5) 7.5% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss national politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

6) 0.0075% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss State politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

7) 65% of the people use their mobile-phones as a timepiece.

8) 73% of the boys who are wearing goggles look around pompously for any beautiful girl who's checking them out.

9) 58% of the people haven't completed reading Fountainhead/Atlas shrugged despite years of hard work put in.

10) 76% of the 14-24 Age group men still giggle seeing stray condom packets on the sidewalk or elsewhere.

11) 91% of the engineers have absolutely no idea as to what does an HR professional do in a day's work.

12) 87% of the 18-25 Age group people get excited seeing a vehicle bearing their home-state's license plate.
for example -: Upon seeing GJ-01-6789 "Ey ghel-chodyaaa!!!!"

13) 93% of the people belonging to the 20-30 age group use the words "Autowaalas" and "bastard" in the same sentence.

14) 89% of the people who refer Google maps before heading for an un-chartered territory or destination get terribly lost in their way.

15) 77% of the young men after washing their hands wipe their hands clean of water by gloving their hands in their respective jeans pant pockets.

16) In 75% of the high schools, Male absenteeism is at its peak just a day before Raksha bandhan.
The rest 25% schools are boys-only.

17) 93% of the 18-25 age group boys wear a super low waist jeans pant over a Jockey undergarment. So that even if they wear a Silk Kurta the label should show somehow.

18) 99.9% of the actors would never wear the undergarment brands they are endorsing.

19) 67% of the girls who are obese wear super tight tees and denim pants which are about to explode. (god knows why)

20) 81% of boys agreed to the fact that the first thing they do when they enter a coffee shop is to check whether any cute girl is sitting inside.

21) 87% of the people aged between 18-25 years mock at the alleged stupidity of the news items broad-casted by the Hindi news channels, 65% of the above youth have confessed watching those news items on a regular basis.

22) 87% of even the most liberal boys who see a girl on the pillion seat tightly clasping the male rider, use the words "indian culture", "tradition" and "girls character" in consecutive sentences.

99% of those boys would kill for being that male rider.

23) 73% of the people extremely detest those facebook users who claim to have an awesome time every five minutes, and they share this feeling every alternate day through their status msgs.

24) In 75% of the cases when there are 5 people to be dropped at their respective homes in a friend's car, then 90% of the passengers when starting from the same point, quicken their steps towards the front door to get that seat.

25) When boys thumb down messages on their cellphone while driving, 95% of those messages are intended for a female recipient.

26) 78% of the people who hang-up on escaping with saying "I'll call you later", never call back.

27) 2% of all times when a person looks in to the rear view mirror over his head, is for actually gauging the incoming traffic,

the rest :-

68% of the times checking out that hot female who's is this cousin of a friend, sitting in the back seat or may be the beauty behind the wheel driving right behind.
30% of the time showing his distaste through a cold stare to his friend for being coaxed into dropping some random tag-along bitchy female to the other end of the city.

Pick your top 3 and do tell me :) and do check out shashank fame gajabkhopdi's post for more of such viral stats.

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GBF interviews Shiny ahuja, exclusive!

2009-06-18T23:18:00.003+05:30

After two rapes in quick succession which took the Indian media by storm, ( we are not gonna discuss about the first incident of rape involving the Indian cricket team) the GBF reporter has sprung back into action (he is the In house Garam bheja fry reporter for the uninitiated). Expectantly he decided to carry out a sting operation, hoping to unravel the truth or fallacy behind the latest episode which has made its way in to the list of the seven man-maid wonders of the world.

He decides to oil the paandus at the police chauki and interview Shiny himself. And so he masquerades as a representative of the Bai Association of India, in short BAI, (lo how convenient is that). Nevertheless the reporter assures Shiny that he'll give a fair chance for him to explain his cause. And later he adds that it'll be as fair sending Dhoni back to jharkhand.

Our reporter has this habit of mumbling words after he finishes sentences, whatever he mumbles is not clearly audible to the listener. All that he mumbles will be in italics.

And so the interview begins.

"Hi Mr. Ahuja, I am a representative of BAI and I assure you that this interview won't touch upon those baseless reports going around in the media like the one in which your wife says you are completely innocent"

"Ohh umm..yeah go on"

"Lets talk about the new movie you have signed, your own real life story "Life in a Metro, when wife in another metro".. How is the project coming along...??"

"Well not that smooth as one would expect...Date clashes with my other production in the pipeline "F*ck Baai chance" is delaying things up.."

"Recently reports of the new trend as known as "Casting (kitchen) Sink", where the maids in the homes of producers have been offered roles in exchange of...."

"In exchange of what?? " Shiny growls

"Err Umm In exchange of all the love, faithfulness and yeah all those pains she takes on most nights near the sofa and all this with her CONSENT isn't it??"

"Of course of course"

"Tell me Shiny, how did your love for these downtrodden, unfortunate un-educated hardworking poor little things grew over time"

He grows nostalgic "Aahh well, During my days of struggle in Mumbai, I once visited this uncle's place in Andheri, where I saw this girl wiping the dining table clean with a piece of cloth..mischief on her face..ooohh the way her back was.."

"*Cough* *Cough*"

"I mean.. her back was...bent due to effort, I felt really sorry for her, she nearly smiled when i wished my uncle "Good baai" *sigh*"

"Good old days"

*Sighs *"My little mer-maid"

"What??"

"*oops*...Umm wtf ask the next question! Quick!! I need to...umm... sleep"

"You do love these baais don't you??"

"What Love?? I respect them...they are noble women.."

"That explains your liking for Kangna ranaut.."

"Did u just say...?? "

"Umm...No No sir, never mind, would you like some tea sir? "

"No thanks"

"Fresh maid sir” winks twice to his inner self

"ok give me some"

the reporter speaks as he pours tea into the cup from his thermos

"Lets talk about something else, like what was your favourite subject at school?"

"Aah there you go again, you got me nostalgic today, My fav subject has always been Baailogy more so since that moronic teacher didn't teach us that chapter in our science textbook, which talked about as how to take precautions while raping ...Err I mean...that reproductive system mechanism. It even explained how to have kids and how NOT to have kids."

"Very fine Sir. Now lets get down to business, Your wife is screaming her lungs out in the public saying that you have been framed and all of it is a made up story"

"WHO said it's maid-up story, she never was up. All the time she was below me and I was over her, ....that stubborn bitch!!"

"Thanks for the confession sire, Wish you a very good Baai"

The GBF reporter scurries and he is panting while he types this last line. Adios!

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Govinda = Gov of India

2009-06-14T02:46:00.005+05:30

Govinda = Gov of India

Believe me this post is gonna be more random than the title. After all "random matlab samajhdari" :P.

A lot has been happening on the personal front, A weeklong stay at home suite home, (Chuck the presidential suite, the "home suite" is in) Coming back to my office and finding myself ankle deep in work, being as useful as the F12 key on your keyboard. (kabhi dabaya hai?), then suddenly I was told to apply for Visa to a country in sub-Saharan Africa named Angola for a business travel spanning 6 weeks. A new project beckoned.

Now whenever you hear the name of any lesser known African country, The slide show which runs on your bheje ka projector is somewhat like of hungry black kids with swollen bellies with UNICEF aid nearby and if you have seen "Blood diamond" by any chance, then the picture is much scarier.

So when my boss did break in the news to me, I was in a "chhodiyaan todo" mode. It’s like going with Anti-Malaria shots in your ass and returning with bullet shots in your head. Then suddenly the prospect of an African Safari and a week long stay in Jo’burg was thrown in. I knew it was like an offer to scuba dive into your nearest sewage tank. I politely refused and had pity on that euphoric asshole who was chosen as my substitute. Travelling to the war torn nation is as unsafe as Harbhajan singh going for higher studies to Australia.

So I got myself shifted to a desi project, bole to ekdum dara singh ke kandhe pe baitha Praveen kumar jitna desi, which will take me to saaddi dilli. And as the visionary ascetic Anu baba puts it "east or west india is the best" and later he adds "between burma in the east and kabul in the west" but wo koi nahee sunta.

Then some days back I saw this blog crossing the 60,000 hits mark, I know people are losing jobs, some are on the verge of it and some are waiting to join their jobs to eventually lose it. enuff said.

Now this new kind of quiz is sweeping facebook :- "How well do you know Nigodee Salma?" and the likes.

And questions like

"what do I pick first in the morning : the toothbrush or the toothpaste",

"How much marks did i get in my 7th class 2nd mid term Social science paper?"

"What's my gmail password?"

With questions like these , people expect you to score a percentage high enough to get a call from IIM Ahemdabad. And if you have scored a shade less than the other runners, which in most cases you do, you have to issue this official apology."I am so sorry..buhuhu..the questions were tuf :((..aage se aisee galti nahee hogi...bhagwaan ke liye mujhe maaf kar do"

Apologize-forgive-apologize routine. I mean where are those good old quizzes which proclaimed you as the new Tom cruise with an IQ over 160 and told you'll be a bloody billionaire with the sense of humor comparable to that of chandler bing's.

And after you do create your own quiz, and when people whom you expect to score high, fail stupendously, it makes you more miserable. Why such Misery?. Last heard facebook was a fun place to be. Ab bhai koi shaadi thode hi kara rahe hai "ladka ladki ek doosre ko jaan le samajh le" quiz.

"Aree saleema tune Zunaid ka quiz bhar diya...bade haseen sawaalat likhe hai usne?"

"Nahee mujh nigody ko waqt kahaan milta hai, din bhar to wo paaji kaamran poke kiya phirta hai, ek aadh sawaal to bata?"

"Aise na bataaungi , pehle tumhe ye batana hoga ki imraan apni maashooka ko dekh kar kitni baar seeti bajata hai..Uff uss harzaai ne apne quiz me pucha hai?"

And so the gossip thickens. Facebook is as synonymous to quizzes as peshawar is to blasts. The time on the clock is 2:26 a.m. and its time to sleepofy. now doing some justice to the title of the post

Similarities between Govinda and Gov of india :-

Both are inflated these days.

Both don't care if your grandmother dies (mai to raste se ja raha tha, bhelpuri kha raha tha, teri naani mari to mai kya karu)

Ta!

P.S. : I'll start replying to the comments from now on. lets c what you have got. :)

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Indian Pop culture - I :UPDATE

2009-05-29T16:56:00.009+05:30

Now just a few days back i stumbled upon this creative juice ki dukaan http://graphjam.com. it provides you with a tool, using which u can create graphs, pie charts and venn diagrams in lesser time than Usain bolt takes to reach the non-striker's end. Now if you are wasting time in grasping the previous pun, worry not even i dint get it, ab direct bilkul fast neeche dekhne kaa...

(Click on the image to enlarge)

I could have posted more of these, but since i am leaving for home this sunday. I am feeling naughty, restless and whole lot happier like a pakistani zoozoo Guhahaha! Gaaonwaalo, here i come!

Pyar me cutbacks

2009-05-22T14:55:00.003+05:30

Ah! Welcome here, long time isn't it. I was away in the land of Shoot-outs, Shooting studios, Shooters @ olive bar, Slum offshoots: Mumbai. There I was the past one month gauging what makes Mumbai the 'Bombay' we know it to be. But trying to put together one more of those "oh-so-philosophical" posts about the maximum city, is as futile as the process of you pissing in the Mahim creek hoping that your friend(read: bastard) who ditched you to Goa (coz you had to work weeknds) may taste some of 'that' while he is taking a quick dip there. Futile isn't it.

Strange times are these of victorious Bangalorean cricket, rejuvenated 'gandhi'giri, countries celebrating the extinction of tigers, and a Priety zinta who only shakes hands these days (and later the players shake with hand!)... Shall we move on.. hmpfff!
I mean what has 'hello' happened to this 'helloooo'...country. The humor is pathetic 'hello' and not much to write abt...Life is going at a sedate pace and i-pill has surely helped sort out some issues. :P

Not much work at office and chances of working on a weekend are as slim as actually "working" on a weekday. I got a call from some editor who wanted the items of this blog to be pipelined to his magazine, aur "haaye mai to sharam ke maare mar gayee". The write-ups on this blog are as useless as a blind abhinav bindra. Chill maaro yaaro, churana hai churaao, udaana hai udaao, what goes of my father?? hindi me - mere baap ka kya jaata hai.

We launched a new mobile handset which our team had coded this past month, 5 months of hard work and a grand party is in the offing and to those cost cutting hawks who are opposing such lavish expenditure I quote a famous line which has been recently translated from the ancient scriptures:

Verse 3:19 - "Pyaar me koi cutbacks nahee hone chahiye"

Indeed they love us, kyuki u have the authority of spanking the ass of only those few whom u love dearly. Isn’t it? aisa mummy kehti thi.

And there has been this deluge of facebook quizzes off late, "Which 'Jaago grahak jaago' ad character are you?" , "How well do you know Nand kishore Chaubey?" and the likes. And there are ample number of people out there in your friend list who actually want to know as to which 'windows error message' are they. Kudos to them. There are a million chandlers out there, and almost equal number of Harry potters, No wonder facebook is a truly blessed community. Pokes, super-pokes are passé. May be next time a full blooded quiz will be posted here.

Signing off with nothing much to say but for these few words which have proved to be a talisman to me:-

"Apna luck pehen ke chalo"

:)

India this week

2009-04-12T23:13:00.005+05:30

With just a week left for you to 'cast your vote' or may be 'vote your caste', the election campaign is heating up like never before. Everyone has an opinion nowadays, and they are sure wielding it out in the open, but as garambhejafry puts it, opinion is like an ass, almost everybody has a (loop)hole in it.

Even the watchman of my building, the pseudo communist Nepali had to say something about the shoe episode, he said and I quote

"Shoe-tiyapa ho gaya shaabji !!"

Shoetiyapa it was. Chidambaram faced a reebok err rebuke which he had never faced before for his words. That’s what happens when a man whom you trust with the numbers starts mincing words instead. On second thoughts why is that the shoe always misses its target, never has it hit the intended recipient, quite a shoe miss-tery is this.

But yeah some good news trickled in as well in these dire times, like India's win in the kiwiland, the miss India pageant, my new haircut, varun gandhi still in jail etc etc.

IPL is about to kick off. All the teams and their cricketing brains have reached down under. Shilpa shetty whose knowledge about the game is comparable to that of Shamita shetty's, is pretty pumped up and has vowed to put her grey cells to some use. Just the other night she roared in full media glare

"We will crush Pakistan!! Woohoo *raj kundera elbow* err yeah in ...rawalpindi...when we...umm tour them.. ".

Shut (the door) up and pounce, will u!!

Preity Zinta has promised she will throw fewer hugs this time, the last time on her hugging spree she accidentally hugged one of the poles (on which the team t-shirt was hung) three times. By the way Rakhi sawant has said that if she owns a team in future, she is ready to smooch all the players, except that MIKAel hussey.

Vijay Mallya is all set to put all his businesses on display during the matches which royal Challengers play. So this time expect drunken cheerleaders, the drinks trolley driven by Narain karthikeyan into the ground, a vivid demo by his airline attendants as to how to wear pads, helmet and gloves in a terribly accented voice-over, and other exciting stuff.

Watching the royal challengers bat is as exciting as listening to the radio commentary of the bikini round at the miss world pageant. What can u expect from a team which has been named after a product, sheesh I cannot imagine what the team-name would have been, if Vijay mallya had been manufacturing kaayam churn. Kaayam churners. Whoa. *wrath of the author is justified as he is a bangalorean*

Well the coach of the kolkata knightriders, Mr. John Buchanan has come up with a plan according to which the kids who stand near the boundary ropes are gonna be the captains of the team, who will then consult the cheerleaders for the bowling changes. Shahrukh khan has diplomatically endorsed the plan right away and couriered few lollypops to kolkata.

And finally we'll wrap up this news update with a chat between a father and his two kids I overheard...

Three of them watching Roadies on Mtv

Kid: "Papa is that fat girl wearing pink a robot??"

Father: "No but why do you ask son?"

Kid : "No, whenever she speaks we can only hear Beep beeps"

Boy : "No she can't be a robot with such Big....err..foul-mouth"

Father: "yeah right!"

C ya...btw this is the 100th post on the blog. :)

P.S. : Thanks to all who rated the ad at yahoo. Now it's the highest rated ad there. ekdum jhakaas! :)

A polite request

2009-04-02T16:08:00.003+05:30

If this blog has been successful in planting even a faint smile on your face, then i request you to go thru the link and vote for your's truly. It's a print ad i created, which has been selected in a race for Cannes. :)

1) Goto the link.
2) Click to rate. (you'll have to sign in with your yahoo id, for GaramBhejafry's sake do sign in! )
3) Read new posts every week here. :P (bait! bait!!)

http://in.uncannies.yahoo.com/view.php?id=897_5

It reminds me of those famous words quoted by a visionary :-"Agar aap vote nahee kar rahe ho to aap so rahe ho (kisike saath)"

See you there. :)

Poll Dance

2009-03-29T00:50:00.006+05:30

5th april, 2009 : We have some Breaking news here! In an All party general meeting here in delhi, it has been decided that the general elections this year are gonna be relocated to foreign countries citing security reasons. The decision wasn't unanimous, but due to some heavy under-the-table-trafficking which was sponsored by VIP and Samsonite a consensus was reached. Talk of the MPs living out of the suitcase.

All the rallies, rath yatras, speeches, meetings will be televised on camera to be shown to the Indian viewers back home. The politicians will be counting on the Indian diaspora from the bay area to turn up in huge numbers for the processions and speeches, and shout slogans like "Sadhu yadav Zindabad".

7th april, 2009 : We are reporting live from Peshawar in Pakistan, where Varun gandhi has just finished his speech, He enjoyed a good turnout here in Peshawar amidst security fears. Our sources tell us that, out of the 100 people who turned up, 98 of them were suicide bombers, so when they saw everyone around them of their own clan, they decided against it. The two other lucky (ass)souls were my cameraman and I. We caught up with Varun after his speech.

"Hi Varun, How do you feel campaigning in pakistan, Your speech has stirred the youth here"

"Yeah! I'll amputate them, hell yeah! I'll slaughter ...bloodshed...f**king drone attacks, "

"But even your own party is shying away from your extremist point of view!!"

*sees a man with a beard, fiddling with his waist-band nearby* "What extremism! we are a peace loving secular party! Every religion wants harmony and..."

"But you just said that a few seconds back..."

"What did i say? You mediawaalahs want to frame every gandhi under the sun and every son under a gandhi...it must have been doctored..*turns back and breathes fire* Who dubbed that for me.. .i am being framed.."

*the reporter turns to the other leader who has been listening all this* "I can't help, until it's proved with e...evidence in... *reads from a chit or paper*... in a court of law"

*while the bearded gentleman is still fiddling with his waistband*

Back to the studio.

Overheard: A water cooler conversation between two suicide bombers :-

" 'sup dude, i heard two of your team mates are going on an onsite assignment"

"*sighs* lucky assholes sucked their way up, and what am i doing here?? bloody local bombings- Quetta, Kabul or at most Peshawar...it sucks man..no challenge, no value addition to your resume', no media exposure...bah.."

"Office politics dude, it kills slow.."

"Seriously man i am planning to move on...Now i have a family to support...I can't take it anymore..IPL, Commonwealth, G8 summit... so many on-site opportunities and the bloody manager wants me to whoop sorry pashto asses, i am gonna request the HRs to get me transferred to the sleeper cell division"

"Holy grail dude!..sleeper cell....every rookie wants to be there..nothing like it"

"Hmmm...Anyways I heard you too have been nominated for that chemical weapons training...the training rooms have been booked for two days i guess"

"Yea-ah! some Libyan smart ass is gonna come....i am gonna peacefully sleep through it"

"Good luck mate! and I have this presentation to make, which my boss is gonna present to the madarsas in karachi tomorrow morning..Aargghh...Deadlines i tell you ..."

"My friend, in our profession, Deadline is a time when our (life)lines are dead"

"Philosophical !!"

9th May 2009 : We have a showdown at our hands : Manmo hensing (great uncle of Van helsing who maintains the puns in this post are of poor quality) vs Shared power (who believed his name is a misnomer) are both gunning for the prime ministerial nomination from the ruling alliance. Shared power, the president of the country's cricketing board as well, is in no mood of sharing any power or even power-cuts. He's campaigning in New-zealand to at least coax Jeetan patel in voting for his cause.

In other news a quote that made the headlines : -

"Aim for the Prime minister"

said by Kaanshiram to Mayawati.
said by a Talibani commander to his sniper.

To be continued....

Types of Love-Birds

2009-03-13T16:27:00.006+05:30

Since the love apple was first bitten by 'Eva' longoria, and sex in the city started, this buzzword - love (jargon for most of us and the cause of 'jaagran' for the few lucky assholes) evolved. This particular word has been as trivial to me as the "whodunit" of the bloody Gassacre in the meeting room this afternoon. (Chhole bhatoore Damn!).

If you are disgusted by reading the previous statement and are making statements like "Hatt tu kya samjhega! Pyar to pooja hai" then you surely fall in one of the categories I am about to mention. :D

When I was a small kiddo, an age whose innocence can be gauged by an incident that took place during my schooldays in the early 90's :-

During a free period one of the substitute teachers who used to give us toffees to sit on his lap, how sweet of him.(Reader daant mat dikha those toffees tasted good) came to our class.

The angelic teacher summoned each one of us one by one to the dais to sing a song, whose lyrics we were comfortable with. After kiddos started belting out Govinda numbers like "Sarkaaye lo khatiya" and "Meri pant bhi saxy", my benchmate's(who was a Doordarshan addicted bachha) turn came, unsure of what to sing he went up and sang at the top of his voice..

"Pyar huaaa, ikraar huaa hai,
pyar se ab kyu darta hai dil,

Deluxe Nirodh, bharat ka sabse jyada bikne wala....."

The teacher immediately shifted two kids from his lap, and cleared his throat and declared recess.

Those days I thought pedophilia was some disease supposed to be cured by homeopathy. So in due course of time I learnt various connotations of the word love. Student- teacher love, Teacher - student (ahem!), parents->kids, first salary->fresher, I-banker->job portals, Govinda -> Karishma kapoor/Raveena..etc. But what we are gonna discuss here is the ladka-ladki, Chora-chori wala love…

1) The Small town Bunty babli –

Picture a scrawny chokra wearing a hip-bone hugging, crotch strangulating, Monkey washed Jeans, held by a belt, on the Metallic buckle of which, a skull and two pistols are encrusted.
He runs his fingers through his hair every 30 nanoseconds, and stares at any female down the street by his mental X-ray vision. (mann ki aankhe baccha) He has a “Iski bhen ki kya maal hai!” attitude towards any remotely feminine object. He has invested a total of 75 rupees to get his hair straightened. The neighborhood barber is his soul mate, who sometimes asks for his balance 25 rupees.

He refers to his ‘Babli’ as his “Setting” and frequents a certain cybercafé (which charges 75 rupees an hour and offers police raid immunity) with his setting. The cybercafé is a classy one, which even has (carefully) installed web-cams in the cubicles for the customer’s perusal (although they somehow forgot to put computers in the cubicles), but the couples inside never notice. Innocent souls.

They fix their meetings while the girl is attending her saheli ka birthday and the boy has an extra class at his Maths tuition (at least according to the parents) .

Such couples when they reach the metros they can be found at bandstand(Mumbai), (where one of them ‘bends’ while the other ‘stands’) or may be deflowering behind the flowers at the Lodi garden in Delhi.
Once on a valentine’s day while bunty n babli were at the bandstand sitting under a large umbrella, someone poked bunty in the ribs from behind with a stick.

“Tuzhe Naav Kay Aahey? (What’s your name?)

“Ummmm…RamNaresh yadav”

“Tumhi Bhaiyaa Aahey”

“Aaahe *flurry of slaps*…aayyyyyy”

A bhaiya celebrating Valentine ’s Day in Mumbai under a large rainbow umbrella. Priceless.

He’s the Fraandship scrapper, who has his profile name embellished with strange symbols and he has written some 5 different plagiarized word-art testimonials to Babli.

Besides babli is one giggly creature which giggles at the drop of a hat (and other clothing accessories as well). She is the one who’s completing her B kaam/BCA/fashion designing ka course from the neighborhood college since the big bang. Enough words dedicated to them now, lets move on to the next category.

2) Long distance lovers :-

“Mere piya gaye Rangoon, le gaye RIM ka telephoon”.

A sure shot way to spot a person who belongs to this particular category is by noticing that he/she carries two cell phones, one of them is a regular one with MMS clips in the memory card and non-veg forwards in the Inbox, and the other phone which looks like a Super Nirma saabun ki tikiya after 20 days of rigorous use.

Each time one of the “bicchde panchhi” picks up his/her phone to call that special one, the inferior Ambani grins wide. And don’t expect the couple to talk about the Gaza crisis or the Pakistani instability, Overheard from one such repartee.

Boy :“Tumhe pata hai, kal raat naa tum mere sapne me aayi thi, aur phir maine tumhe aise zor se pakad liya * giggles”

Girl :“hatt badmaash…Tum naa bade “Wo” ho..*giggles*!!”

Boy: “*Showers some kisses* “

Girl : “Hum jo baate karte hai agar kisi ne sun liya to, …ufff.. pata nahee kya hoga” //most common line

Boy : “heehee…Sachhee me”

Girl : “waise ek baat bataao, kal to hum saari raat baat kar rahe the, phir tumhe sapna kab aaya”

Boy : “Errr…ummm…Saari raaaat kya...wahee mai kahoo subah uthh ke mere kaano me dard kyu ho raha hai” :P :P

Boring as it may sound, but ask them and they’ll say time flies, (with the phone balance of course). Their phone bill each month equals their house rent. These ghosts wander the terraces of their buildings late night. Be there at your terrace at around 11-12 pm in the night, and you’ll find these ghosts floating on different terraces, showering kisses and passing on sweet nothings. (This case is valid only if you are not one ghost yourself).

3) The matured lovers: -

This is the most dormant of the lot, who have been members of the above mentioned categories during the heydays of their relationship. But now they are in their late 20’s and at least one of them is being forced into “ladka dekh lo/ladki pasand kar lo” ritual. Now is the time to break in the news to the family.

Tense times, that’s why you would see them sipping away at coffee shops with tense faces and having small-talk between sips.
By this time they have at least one confidante in the family who knows about the “chakkar”. :P . This is the point of inflection for them; They can either call it over, or may be dare to declare. DDLJ nahee hota re real life me.

Gladly “My pyar hua ikraa hua” wala bachpan ka dost is still rollicking in the second category, and now he knows which is the largest selling one and more importantly why. ;)

Please find the second part of this post here

Types of Love-birds - PART II

2009-03-15T00:17:00.004+05:30

In addition to the previously mentioned categories....

4) The Possessive (read jeene nahee dungi) types:-
This is the category of those cupid struck couples where one of them,(read the female) is extra possessive of the other. If suppose they went shopping and she finds her boyfriend staring at a female mannequin for more than 3 seconds then she won't speak to him for 3 days and moreover spy on his cell phone for the next 1 month as to whether the mannequin and her boyfriend are exchanging text messages.
If the boyfriend doesn't pick her call in 2 rings then she's damn sure her boyfriend is making out with a blonde bombshell in a Nariman point penthouse, even though the poor guy was just washing his stinking chadddi-baniyaan in the bathroom.

Girl : "Kahaaa the??????"

Boy: "Jaanu mai to bathroom me..."

Girl : "Itni der se...mai itni pareshaan ho gayee....bata ke bhi nahee gaye..tumhe meri koi chinta

nahee hai...you have changed a lot...%#$#$#...."

Boy: arey abhi 5 minute pehle hi to bataya tha ki chaddi dhone jaa raha hu...

Girl : "Hawwwwwwwwww ....Kiski chaaddiiiiiiiiiiiii??"

Boy : "Chunky pande ki chaddi...arey apni chaddi hi to dhounga naa jaanu"

Girl "Tumhe mazaak soojh raha hai, jaao mai tumse baat nahee karti *hangs up*

Boy:(looks at the phone) Teri maa ki.....

Girl: "Kya bolaaaa..."

Boy: "Errr Arey matlab ...Teri man ki baat mai samajh gaya tha jaanu, aage se tumhe kabhi akela nahee chhodunga" *the boy thanks harbhajan singh under his breath*

As you can see, for such girls giving some space to your partner in a relationship is akin to sending the Indian cricket team to play a 5 test match series in Baluchistan, with Narendra modi as the team coach.

5) The Super chipkoo types :-

"Baby meri naak pe machhar baitha hai, usey mai maar du??"

"Baby meri peeth pe khujli ho rahee hai khujla lu?"

Teri to! Such guys(?) are super naturally committed to their partners. They would wear the same color clothes to college, wear lockets where the one half is with the guy and the other half is worn by the girl, get tattoos done of each other’s names in exotic languages. PDA (public display of Affectio...err Acrobatics) is just another means to strengthen their bond, even if the cell phone cameras around are heating up. They both repose their faith in one holy verse lifted from a holier scripture-
"khullam khulla pyar karenge hum dono, iss duniya se nahee darenge hum dono" . And they do just that, they are the regulars at all the Ram gopal verma movies. After one such show when I asked the gatekeeper, how was the turnout for the show.

"Saab aaj to ek hi banda aaya dekhne"
"Nahee yaar ghuse to dono the"
"Nahee ji seat to ek hi occupied dikh rahee thi"
"Never mind" I said.

The Kaamdev-d and his paaro go to the classes, tuitions, motions, cafeteria, basketball court, mess hall, library, loo and lot of other places of which I have no clue, TOGETHER. Even the Siamese twins may separate for a smoke or an urgent nature call, but not them. Long live their bond.

6) The Shhhh.. couple :-

"Jaanu on your b'day i'll gift you an imported Aftershave lotion"

"How sweet of you baby, but I still prefer the one you are using right now"

Sssshhhhhhh....!!

Face-bhookh - A letter

2009-01-21T14:56:00.007+05:30

Hi vicky_underscore_coolest_hunk ,

Howdy? As per your request I am sending some quality tested Javascripts to unlock orkut albums and scrapbooks, and a fraandship-scrapper-engine which processes 500 female orkut profiles in a second. Phew! Tough isn't it. Damn these anti-social networking sites..

I feel, it is time, I should tell you, the good 'ol early millennium formula - scrap-add-friend-chat-meet-kiss doesn't bear fruits these days on orkut, my friend. All of the single and looking as well as the single looking variety have fled to a new playground christened as the "Facebook." It’s a hip place they say, coz it’s hot in Amreeka, period.

They happily poke each other (they don't mention which part of the body.Damn!), they paint each others' walls, they buy/sell/recruit each other irrespective of the market condition , they compare each other('s) and even send cold drinks.

Confused ?? Well I'll decode the jargon for you.

1. News feed: - You'll have this feeling that you have seen this word before somewhere. Surely my friend, On the top right hand corner of your homepage (www.debonairblog.com), you would have seen that saffron colored rectangle with "RSS feed" written under it. That’s for receiving news as they happen. And all this time you thought it was a charity banner urging you to "Feed the poor RSS(Rashtriya svayamsevak sangh) workers" and you were quite justified in your assumption as it is indeed saffron in color.

Actually at Facebook this particular feature enables you to monitor what all your friends have been up to, but be really careful as it accurately reports not just you deeds but the misdeeds as well. Just the other day the whole Khandan of Raju came to know that "Raju is bargaining for 4 DVDs of chinese porn at the Burma market".

Raju is in his final semester of Btech.On the Last day of the semester after submitting the final year project and enduring the viva shit, raju breathed a sigh of relief. And the following evening he fished out a DVD from his bag and stuffed it in his player, to his horror Raju saw project slides flashing over his TV screen.

We saw the news feed instantly "Raju has fainted". Rajus of this world seem to be doomed. As you can see, double edged sword is this feed thingy.

2. Photo Tagging : It is one more of those cool features this networking site boasts off, here you can tag the names of your friends on your photos(without their prior permission), just as one of my friends tagged the name of his ex-girlfrnd in a pic, the girlfrnd cheerfully tagged back!

Then I heard that some pea brained Pakistani security advisor named Durrani tweaked something in his private album and was fired for what he did, see if you can figure out, I dunno what's wrong with this pic.

3. Writing on the wall :- Scrapbook becomes a wall here. Writing on a wall especially on the toilet walls of an engineering college, has always been a mentally stimulating job. The good 'ol "Aapka bhavishya aapke haantho me hai" , the evergreen "haanth pant me naa pocche". still lingers. Remember the time when your Engineering maths wala master flunked you in the internals, you quietly went to the toilet and undersigned at the space where hundreds of other students had signed below the transcript where the sister and mother of that master were well decorated.

Here you have to be a friend of someone before you can extend your fraandship msg on their walls, paradoxical isn't it.

4. Events :- Just the other day I saw one of my juniors flashing this one :-

"Sandy plans to attend college on the next Tuesday - rsvp to this event".

So you can intimate people around you about any special event you are attending/gatecrashing.

5. Quizzes and games: - People challenge each other at different quizzes for example

"Which Mumbai-26/11 terrorist are you??” (You can be one among ten different terrorists)

"Which Aaj tak/india tv news reporter are you??" (Mind you, this is deadlier), and lots more.

Above all, you can still exercise your cutesy tricks, like replacing your display pic with one of your childhood mug shots, old scanned black-n-white photo in which you are wearing knickers as well as that oh-so-innocent look on your face. (of course you do this to attract those "kinne cute lag rahe ho", "Sho shweeeet" type comments from the girls in your friend list, the bastard you are ). The guys look at these pics, smirk and shoot comments like "Saale badaa hoke kitna harami ho gaya hai"..."Molested child lag raha hai" and the likes.

So being your social networking secretary, I strongly recommend you to sign up @ facebook, and gleefully poke at anyone you like, but be very sure of not bargaining for Chinese DVDs.

Your's truly
GaramBhejaFry

When the time stopped

2009-01-05T17:23:00.006+05:30

It was around midnight, a sea more like a grease tank of capacity unknown, pitch black, mysterious. The sand washed with moonlight and rinsed by the foam, a sea breeze which froze few balls and a half moon hung over the sky oblivious of the sin it aided in. The sea was a spitting distance from where I had planted mine, on the beach. I was by a campfire, sitting together with a Israeli Jew, on my right hand side and a stoned Dutch guy diagonally across, alongside two brats canoodling with their respective arm candies, taking their tongue out only to swear by the farmhouse parties they organize back in Bangalore.

I asked the Jew

"What brings you to India?"

"Paradise this place is, people know English, good transportation, food..."

"Good transportation???"

"I was holidaying in Madagascar before this; I used to commute there by hitchhiking on lorries"

He was a hippie.

As the night grew darker a group of swaying people joined us who had brought candles and pouches (you know why) with them. A Michael phelps look-alike from wales, two Spanish girls wearing sarongs, a French lady and a German beer guzzler with a blue eyed lass (nationality unknown). The common chord among us?? - English and weed. As the joints were being rolled, people started talking as to how people from Belgium have crowded Amsterdam, and how savage have the Englishmen proven to be. The Welshman stated that both his parents have brown eyes and he has blue, so he is suspecting his mailman. I quipped in with "When Chris was born his father asked the doctor about his wife and son’s well being and the doctor replied "It was a pretty normal 'postal' delivery".

And it went on.

Suddenly the dutchie who was hitherto talking to a Scandinavian, who had joined us, got high.

"We are free, we are the bloody G-spot of mother earth"

the Amsterdam-native barked high on weed. The German said something but only his sweet tooth could decipher that.

I chipped in with "What do you call a person from Holland who has just finished 3 joints?"

"What?" the Spanish chick queried

"The flying Dutchman"

The two brats from Bangalore blinked and everyone else had a good laugh. It was probably a lame one, but weed has strange effects on you. :)

The Spanish girl who had exhaled by now just a few poorly pronounced English words and a lot of smoke, whispered me in the ear

"Do you have mariwaana (marijuana) with you?"

I politely declined. She assumed I was really sad about the fact and so, she passed me her joint with a poor-you expression on her face. I held the joint between my fingers, thought for a moment and passed it on to the Jew. :)

Then we talked as to where she lived in Spain, how she found India to be, what my R&D engineering at Samsung is all about, and what is she doing the other evening. (Till now I have restrained myself from mentioning the fact that .....She was of the smokin' hot variety )

The breeze had a nip and the sea was on a high..tide. Everybody was dizzy. A quiet midnight, the chilled out half moon, soaked sand and the greasy waves hitting the shoreline, magic. Soon the Welshman started strumming his guitar, and almost automatically we started voicing the anthem....

From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive

Lyrics | John Lennon lyrics - Imagine lyrics

"Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try
No hell below us Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for todayyyy..."

Everybody swayed as I lied on the beach staring at the clear sky, millions of stars in an infinite universe, and our planet a tiny speck somewhere there and yet we are divided, killing, blowing up each other. The few of us left in the universe.

"Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace... "

Right there lying on the beach with an absolutely blank mind I experienced.. Bliss.

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Date : First Saturday of '09
Place: Gokarna beach (A Goa without the clutter and the hoopla)

P.S. : I was in Seoul for the past one and half month, and I left my blog in india, that explains the inactivity here. :)

P.P.S : John Lennon is God.

Flexing my literary 'grey' muscles!!

2007-12-06T10:54:00.001+05:30

Aliens

“We are not ALONE !!!” she was ecstatic as every single person on the planet was today...

“Yep!! But we never gonna see them, it’ll take eons to reach ‘em” i retorted.

“In that case , we'll wait for THEM to reach us !!” she beamed.

"heh!" smirked I.

After a million years of solitary existence, Now we know we are not alone. Our equipments intercepted some signals from outer space, which showed some intelligent patterns. That was enough for the world to go tizzy. Extra terrestrial life does exist damnit!. But the planet was located in some distant galaxy well beyond our reach for us to breach.

“..Umm ..by the way, How they have named it…i mean the new planet “ She was curious.

“Well...After translating the gathered signals to phonetics...umm….. they call it…’Earrth’…..weird name isn’t it”

“Weird it IS !!”

LIFE...

The sea always enchanted me…the unending wide sheet of blue water creased by the waves and life…fastened to the clouds at the other end…
The golden sand , the fuzzy foam stitched at the ends of the waves , and the ‘keep’ of the sea ..Sun..spending each night in it’s mighty embrace… I loved ‘em all…It was near the sea where I grew up…frolicked around…lived a LIFE

But now things have not been the same for the last three months. Many of our neighbors started to disappear suspiciously…most of them were last seen in the sea ppl say…but How can a sea as serene as this , engulf it’s own children ; that was my point…Our family moved to some other beach side locality as several others did…The ones who disappeared never returned to tell their tale…

I continued to play with the waves and smell the sand…..

Now I know where all those neighbors ended up , As I recollect these golden memories being caught in a net myself. I’ll also be served dead on a platter with spices in some oriental restaurant.

Life’s not too good being a crab , seriously.

Experience

‘Twas around midnight…a moonlit night bustling with activity…. it's the big apple…New York…

I waited there on the sidewalk.

A petite girl in her late teens was standing beside me , wearing an outfit revealing her near to perfect assets…curves to die for…

A biker halted near the sidewalk…hurled a 50 dollar bill at the girl…the girl smiled…and they rode along..

I was still waiting….

And a few moments later a limo screech stopped near the sidewalk …I reapplied my mascara…lifted my bosom…Limo’s window rolled down…

There he was my client for the night.

He called me in…And I obliged…

“Foolish girl !!” I said. Experience counts…isn't it??

A tale of the Tandoori knight - I

2008-10-29T18:42:00.005+05:30

Once upon a time in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a knight and not just any other knight but the ‘Tandoori Knight” He lived in a time when the stock(ings) was something which you had to get rid of, before making your deposit in the “real estate” and the mid-caps was which the tanduri knight adorned his head with, after he was knighted. (It’s a different story that the knight got rid of the mid-caps much before his followers did and at a later date all those who held on to their midcaps were cruciFIIed).

Once when the Tandoori knight was a small baby , he was given his milk bottle to suck on. Instead of happily feeding on the milk li’l tandoori held the bottle at a distance from his mouth, closed his eyes and then started crying loud enough to wake up all the kids in the neighboring kingdoms. (which included those babies who at a much later date gave birth to the knight’s co-actresses). The incessant torture led the family members to frantically search for something useless to gag the ultrasonic kiddo with, and ultimately they gagged him with their mutual fund policy papers (Phew! At last the fund came good), but to no avail. Tandoori was still belting out his su-suroor (yeah he leaked as well). Then they diag‘nosed’ the real problem.

And immediately the family men realized they were blessed with a special child.

When li’l tandoori started attending school, once his teacher innocently asked him what is “7+6”. Recently the fossils of that teacher have been found out by Nat geo.

And on his 21st b’day he was conscripted in the army of the royal kingdom of Nostrilia ( a kingdom whose cricket captain was disap’pointing’ and their fast bowlers bowled over more ‘maidens’ than they bowled maiden overs).

Tandoori was the flag bearer of his kingdom’s army in nearly all the battles. His war cry inflicted mass genocide as well as suicides. And once he single handedly smothered the opposition when half of his army men were on strike , (some sixth pay commission to be blamed) and the other half were found sharpening their daggers lest their leave application be cancelled by their commanding officers.

Tandoori was conferred the title of a ‘knight’ for that particular act of bravery and since then he has been known as the Tandoori knight.

To be continued….

In the next part : The story of the gorgeous ‘jet’tisoned princess err.. the hostess

A Friday after the dryday!

2008-10-03T19:42:00.007+05:30

*Post written on Gandhi jayanti*

After wishing a happy b'day to the greatest Ben Kingsley look-alike ever, we hit upon a friday sandwiched between a national and an international holiday. And you ask me whether I have no regard for the father of our nation, and I say, I respect him only when he is excreted from the ATM machine, and yeah last morning(2nd October) when I farted to the morning alarm and slept like a pig, I did thank him.

Each day dragging yourself to that makeshift bus-stop, seeing all those faces; those so called experienced techies, those 26-27 year old deprived virgins with a paunch and a face which explains why?

The freshers who after long last got their joining dates, (they make sure that every single contact on their contact list on orkut/facebook knows the fact and shares the same euphoria) have joined their respective poultry farms, where they will be fed chickenfeed and will be expected to- not just lay golden eggs but donate their legs for the tangdi kabaab on the clients platter. At a later date all of them will be politely culled citing the reason as market flu-ctuation.

They stand there in a bunch decked up in formals, bearing the same glint on their faces, as of their brand new ID cards around their necks. They all look seriously high and agog on the net connection speed, free coffee, and the infrastructure at their respective farms, Wallah!

Then a girl walks by, who has let her hair loose, wet and undone, you think she didn't have enough time but then you look at her carefully done eyeline, and then, you know. As she walks by, paunches get sucked in, people around desperately try to look as if they are oblivious of her presence, and some freshers stare , waiting for her to look back and when she does for a reasonable number of nanoseconds, with their eyes locked up, the ego-battery of the boys begins to charge up (the rate of charging is directly proportional to the hotness of the girl in question), then they look away instantaneously before the girl looks away, triumphant, with their egos charged up, the hair salon waallah might expect a tip the next time around. It's the who-looks-away-first contest and the egos are on the line. Alas it rarely does happen, and we have a sea of ego-low-battery virgins out there, who never get a chance to replenish their ego-pencil-cells.

There are people on the bus stop who carry back packs to office, almost every one of them. And the contents of each bag might reveal the future plans of that particular person. An exotic wordlist or a pale novel (which someone has recommended for enhancing one's vocabulary and comprehension abilities) or a newspaper reporting of blasts and casualties on the streets(dalal/wall street included) or a hurriedly packed lunch box.

While people wait for their respective buses, they watch flashy buses of those MNCs go by, who pay their employees as if there's no tomorrow and then they sigh watching those perfidious bastards, who got lucky, boarding those very buses. Gratefully I am one of those perfidious bastards. :D

Btw here are some of the facebook status msgs I flashed recently:-

1. Oktoberfest on! No wonder the markets around the world are beer-ish.

2.Hump-ty Dump-ty Shat on the wall (street),
Dow and the NIFTY had a great fall!
All the FED's resources and all the congressmen,
couldn't put together $700 billion!

3. To err is leh-man and to forgive is fed!!

4. Does your 'split-personality' has another profile? Does he visit your space here?

This is the beginning!

2008-08-21T17:31:00.006+05:30

It has been 3 weeks since I joined this place, and I must say, the workload is weighing down on me. Good lord, shooting a million juicy forwards (the "be very careful before opening" types, which you inspect when everybody thinks everybody around has gone for lunch, and they all watch it :P) to my kameene dost from my gmail inbox, Checking all those zindadil people's orkut photo albums every five minutes (bole to ekdum fasst. orkut updates se bhi pehle) , the kind of dudes and dudiyaas whose response to any problem or even a minor glitch in their smooth course of life is "Iski M@@ ki". Freaking out on weekends is a mandatory task which ought to be performed by every other member of the clan, strictly.

"Aree o saleema maine suna hai iss itwaar ki shaam tune 'freak out' nahee kiya! haaye allaah tune sacchee me nahee kiya?!" (Looks in horror)

"Haaye kya bataau !! iss nigodey Anwar ne mujhe dhoka de diya, naaspeeta ain wakt pe farzana ke saath nikal liya"

"Arey farzaana nahee, wo to farzaan ke saath nikla tha??"

"Hawww! matlab wo 'jaanu i miss u', 'i luv u' ke SMS wo bheja karta....." (looks in horror)

Well not exactly!! But they do what they do best and then post the saboot on their orkut albums and then they lock it. (Damn!). Anti-social networking, I say.

*Pause: this blogger pauses to try random JavaScript codes to unlock a potential juicy album*

Yeah Nowadays I am as free as the steel ka chamcha(spoon) that comes free with the brooke-bond chai-patti ka packet. Jhalli. Wait a minute, wasn't this true for last full one year. In my entire stint in my previous company, I just worked on one weekend, that too barely for five hours. The security guard at the gate would have coded more lines than yours truly. And in addition to that, I had stayed late in the office (till 9:30 pm) a total of 4 occasions, considering an average techie here, carries a kachhua chaap mosquito coil with him to the office each day and has a social life comparable to that of Osama bin laden.

3-4 years in the IT services industry leaves a college ka stud boy with a sex appeal of shibu soren and IQ of a masala dosa. All those techie bhaailogs reading this would agree. And expecting an onsite opportunity (Videsh jaane ka chance) in the very first year of your employment makes you look as innocent as Parthiv patel's paaltu khargosh.

And all these reasons coaxed me to switch locations where I would be earning more money to do the same job, checking scraps and exchanging notes on gtalk with friends/blog readers/editors/bots/gtalk_help.

And yeah meanwhile this happened...

Life’s relatively good, as good as being a ball boy in a Kournikova-Sharapova tennis match with salma hayek as the chair umpire, as good as watching India win three medals at the Olympics in our lifetime like the sight of halley’s comet. Life is smiling but then there are dreams, dreams to make it big. When, where and how big. The chronicle will always be at your disposal by the name :- Garambhejafry. :) and yeah this could well be the beginning.

I have quit!

2008-07-01T16:52:00.003+05:30

Yes, i have shifted loyalties. My current employer has treated me well enough to coax me to look for greener pastures. (reaching where i'll look for (more) greener pastures). This is what i call the "Mad cow disease". You always look for greener pastures to graze on (and drop your load) and then later ruminate or may be "rue"-minate. The blogging hiatus was the immediate manifestation. And not to mention my manager and this blog suffered equally. Lekin kya kare ab to chidiya udd gayee!

I'll keep this post short and sweet ( that's how i used to describe my ex *sigh*).

***MATURE CONTENT***

Some days back one of my moronic friends sent me a text which read like "Porno spoofs on hollywood blockbusters :-

" 1. Saving private ryan -> 'Shaving private ryan' or 'shaving ryan's privates'.

2. You've got mail -> You've got male...genitalia.
"

The moron inside me got inspired.... and i replied him back with an array or should i say a festival of movie names.

3. The fantastic four :- The fantastic whore.

4. Ex-men. (A movie on transvestites).

5. 300 -> Three (hundred) some.

6. Lord of the g-strings.

7. Hairy Daughter and the neighborhood bastard. (harry potter waali koi bhi movie)

8. A beautiful mind -> A beautiful behind.

9. When Harry mate(s) sally.

Lets c how many you can add to the list.... kripya offendiaaye nahee!!

And i promise to post a big one here once i am done with my joining formalities and guess what i got a 150% hike. ;)

Ye hai meri kahani!

2008-03-11T16:58:00.005+05:30

Helloooz!! This morning when I was waiting for the company bus at the bus stop, I saw a kid in his school uniform, holding on to an NCERT history textbook mugging up some historical dates (one smartass reader : "Ab geographical dates kya hoti hai be?") scribbled on the back of his book. Exam season hai bhai! i thought. When i looked closely I could read one of the side headings as "When was the last time Garmabhejafry posted something on his blog?". I swallowed a lump in my throat. And when i read the answer I swallowed not just a lump, but a lamp-post. The date was 11th march. *Ahem Ahem* The kiddo was no ishaan awasthi aur hum bhi koi aamir khan nahee.. So we two mutually and silently agreed to leave each other at their own fate.

While the kid was busy with history I was more interested in the surrounding geography. There were some giggly HR girls huddled up nearby, wearing lipstick with enough wax to suffice for waxing off two Jacky shroffs and three anil kapoors. They were probably discussing strategies to make the life of us techies more miserable. (Any HR girls reading this blog by any chance, do add me on gtalk *hew hew* we can settle our issues there *ahem* in private)

And there were a few uptight men, wearing collared t shirts neatly tucked into their starched blue jeans, sucking their paunches in as an evasive action to even a whiff of femininity around. Needless to say they were fellow techies, wearing assorted ID's around their necks belonging to respective dollar hIT companies. Each one of them nourishes a dream inside, of that fateful day when they get a chance to leave shores or may be flaunt their scores (CAT waale). Brownish newspapers rolled under their armpits, cheap and thus heavy laptops taking a toll on their shoulders, manager's (f)ire in their belly and the traffic which moves slower than a parking lot, to boot. Add the daemons of variable pay haunting them each month-end, which they feel is anyday better than the slim pay slip growing to the 'pink' of its health. No wonder more than 2/3rds of the resignation letters are drafted on the back of payslips. And such is the irony that the word they fear the most is: - 'release', an oxymoron in itself. (‘Code release’ for the uninitiated, ab is information ne tere andar kya kya initiate kiya wo apun ko nahee pata.)

Finally the bus did arrive, only to get coagulated in the viscous sea of vehicles a few paces ahead. (Reader: Oye, Raat ko Rapidex ke upar sir rakh ke sota hai kya aajkal ). Nahee bhaailogz and behenjeez, English ke paapi bichhuye ne humey humaari client ki meherbaani se kaata hai, aur hum bhi kaam ke maare ho gaye hai. Garambhejafry sadly needs a 2-3 weeks stint inside a Microwave oven. And like everybody else, i am preparing for CAT.

Recently one of my friends asked me "So howz the prep coming along??". I shrugged it off with a statement which went like.
"My Astrologer is taking care of my Verbal Ability section while i prepare for the other two"

Agli baar 'types of lovers' pesh karunga GBF dissection ka label lagaa ke. Maal tayyar hai, serve karne ko 'time' ke bartan nahee hai. :) Aur haan ek achee khabar. ek aur article publish ho gaya humaara. Paisa bhi mila, which i'll share with only those HR girls who'll share there Gtalk ids with me. Human resourcing your see. :)

Humraa Article JAM magazine waalo ki duaa se

Calm-sutra!

2008-05-21T16:04:00.005+05:30

Starting with an absolute cliché' which goes like- I am back. And guess what was the reason for my absence - IPL - yeah you guessed it right - "Inevitable perennial Laziness".

My life nowadays is as calm as the calm (kaam) waali baai who hasn't been paid for the last 2 months. Yeah it has been chaotic. Just the other day when I put up a status msg on gtalk which read like "Everybody is gonna die with their orkut passwords!!". Ek jarurat se jyada bichhda hua dost pinged me and said "bhaai tu ek post likh de ab!!. Tera frustration door ho jaayega" and so here I am ranting like any other "work-life" balance ke maare bhaailog. Work is as hectic as looking for antonyms of the word 'hectic'. But then as always I adhere to the mantra (calm-sutra) given to me by the visionary ascetic, Baba ramdev masala! :- "Chill maar watsa!!". And since then aisee pratha chali aa rahee hai.

After a day's work when I step inside my room, mera roomie (another techie & sardar) gets ecstatic and says "Oye paappe! aaj to Sehwag bangalore ki M** ***** raha hai. * insert cackle*".

The noise inside the room is like, as if 6 punju aunties discussing jewelry and their in laws inside a Maruti 800 and you are the driver. (Reader: Oye 6 punju auntiyo ko maruti me ghusa diya to tu kahaan baithega?? )

Arey miya hum koi anti kirket sangathan ke sadasya/member nahee hai, phir bhi yaar roz roz wahee chauke and chhakke and kuch chakke(banaglore waale? :p). Ab to cheerleaders ko bhi kapde pehna diye. hadd ho gayee!

And yeah I confess I went for the inaugural match at the Chinnaswamy stadium here in bangalore. haan munna asli isshtadium me!!. All of us were really pumped up. I had called my duur ke jaunpur waale chacha and kanpur ki mausi too as to "TV pe dekhte rehna , palak bhi jhapakne naa paaye, aaj hum TV me aayenge". I had enuf arsenal to lure the camerawaalahs into grabbing a shot or two. The match was between KKR and the Royal challengers.

We were supporting our namma Bangalooru team, but eventually our loyalities/gaze/binoculars shifted to the real leaders (lead india campaign kyu nahee khoj paya inhe!), yep the cheer-leaders.

I had prepared banners which read like :-

1) Pack 'em Knight Riders to their 'Home shanty Home'.

2) His name is Royal Dravid.

3) Its a no fly-zone over the stadium when dada is playin', coz he might knock down a few.

4) Commit all your crimes while Dravid is batting, coz even the god has slept waiting for him to score. {Haan bhai ye wala banner nahee le gaya tha, Ikbaaliya zurm}

5) Thank you Set Max :D. {Achook ilaaz TV pe naa aane ki bimaari ka}

6) Ask the cheerleaders "kya aap paanchvi pass se tez hai?"

Yeah as you can see, I had banners for all the possible outcomes. But still my 15 nanoseconds of fame on the idiot box never materialized, thanks to Brendon McCullum and his 13 sixes and the other 11. (phir se wahee joke maara).

Kuch snippets of news (aise hi post ko lamba karne ke liye *hew hew*) :- (GBF reporter is on a vacation)

1) As you know Salman is hosting a show named "10 ka dum" where he promises to pay 10 crores for answering 5 questions, where every question will be based on some random "PyerSentayhge" (Shirt utaari, ab accent ki utaarunga). When you see the promos of the show which are on air, you wish the director to be lynched by a Bihari mob.

2) Ness wadia, the co-owner of the Punjab Kings XI was reportedly happy when his team was mauled by the Mumbai Indians, as none of the players got a chance to get cozy with his fiancée, when on a day they post a victory, even the curator of the pitch makes it a point not to disappoint Preity and let her clasp him tight.

3) Harbhajan Singh, the slappy-happy sardar, has been denied entry into the "Gelf" countries, for obvious reasons.

4) The reported absence of VVS Laxman and the Previous laxman (Laxman Sivaramakrishnan :- the pitch reporter) from IPL is bothering nobody, may be coz I have written it here you would realize the fact.
4.1) The pre match analysis is nowadays hosted by the kind of boys you find in a toothpaste commercial, desperately trying not to look dumb on camera.
4.2) During the post match presentation ceremony most of the Indian/Pakistani players use the age old adage often uttered by the legendary Mohammad bin azharuddin, "baayez(boys) have played well !!"

chalo dudes and dudiyaas! it's time to say buy buy! And do remember the calm-sutra or the formula to remain calm: - “Chill maar watsa”.

The Gr8 Indian Train Journey!!

2007-11-29T00:56:00.001+05:30

The Archeological survey of india has written to me regarding the writings on this blog which will soon be declared as ancient scriptures and would be kept inside glass cases stacked up for display in random museums with japanese tourists going wild fujifilming and nikoning it. Haan miyaa!! bhelcome once again to the same old adda, where you spilled your giggles and always saved your words miserly without even caring to spend them on my comment page , but you did contribute to the hitcount of this blog which is set to hit the 28K mark soon isiliye thankooz!!.

(Wink wink : adsense meter whirring!!)

So without much further ado and 'undo' i should go about justifying the title of this post which is as amusing as listening to the 'Mr Beans show' on the radio.
The Sleeper class me baithne waali junta can be "Danish-kaneria-ke-gaalo-se-bhi-jyaada-rough-ly" classified into :-

1) H2H2 - hum do humaare do families:- The ideal nuclear family which nukes your peace of mind inside the compartment if you happen to share the same. Imagine yourself sitting on the window seat cool-ly flipping through pages of a random "feel-good" magazine with your tired legs stretched on the berth, a gentle breeze running through your hair, with all your li'l luggage already chained you think about your hometown, friends and family back home.Aah absolute bliss. then suddenly :-

"O bhaai saab!! aapka seat number kaun saa hai??" A middle aged person farts on your face. Following him is his family with two wailing chunnu munnus and their clumsy mommy bearing a "disaster management look" on her face.

You try your best to sound polite "Bhaai saab 17 number seat meri hai, khidki waali "

"Paaaapppppaa mekko window waali seat chahiyyyyye!! uwaaaaa....!! mekko chahiiiyeee..." chunnu bursts out..

"Abhi dilaate hai betaa...,Eskooj me bhaaisab baache ke liye thoda adjust kar lijiye!!" and you look at the li'l moron(chunnu) while gritting your teeth and then u think of those condom commercials issued in public interest. You wish some sanity had prevailed. bah!

Then comes the "luggage management" part. The family seems to have brought their town's luggage, some reputed oriya hurricanes to be blamed. And they try to squeeze it all thru the space below the lower berth. Your pyaara sa airbag looks like parthiv patel sharing a stool to sit with andrew symonds.

Himesh reshammiya and compart me familiyaa unbearable hai dost!!

There will be at least an army of relatives on the platform who would have come to see off their "banaras waale chacha" and "Kanpur waali mausi". And when you get to know that one such mausi(who's incidentally sharing the same compartment as yours) has just spilled some fresh achaar (pickle) on your snazzy airbag, its just too late. "F-16 to F-22 wala" dreams bedamned.

And when the T.T. arrives with his beachball-belly preceeding him, his coat buttons discuss among themselves "haaye!! Hum Berozgaar button. :( !!".

The TT in a grim voice blares "Haan vaiii!! ticket dikhaao!!"

Now at this point of time chunnu ki mummy is seen frantically searching for the ticket in her purse to no avail. Hubby dear is impatient "Pachaas baar kaha hai nikalne se pehle ticket samhaal ke rakha karo, Mr. bajaj laake dega kya tkt!! "

Searching for the railway ticket in her purse is as difficult as searching for rajpal yadav in the grand canyons. After some 10 minutes of mining into the purse she fishes out the ticket which is stuck to the soap paper with the PNR number imprinted on the "jab zor se ho aai, aur saabun naa de dikhaai, then instant haath ki safaai" waala paper.

TT baabu is used to this, so he shows no signs of disgust and goes about asking other victims in the compartment for the tickets, including you. And when the train halts at some random station its the (stone) age old tradition for the the daddyji to fill every empty thing in the compartment with the "shuddh and sheetal jal" which you get on the platforms. He disappears with the empty bottles in the mileu and after a while when its time for the train to depart, the mummyji again with the same disaster management look on her face exclaims " Kahaa chale gaye paani laane!! abhi tak nahee laaye!!" you have to fulfill the moral obligation to comfort her by saying "Aa jaayenge!! ab paani lene bisleri ke bottling plant thode hi gaye honge!!".

Her hubby after out muscling and out-swearing (naya word note kar le!!) the other uncles at the water cooler, comes out all smiles with two half filled bottles under his arm pits and a torn sleeve plus the buttons of his shirt in his hands. Fair deal !! (Torn sleeve kisi aur ke shirt ki hai bhaai!! :P).

2) CKC - college ka chhokraas :- If by any chance you are travelling alone and you happen to find these chhokraas in your compartment, then you are sure to have an awesome time during the journey, but if by sheer misfortune you are with your family then your situation would be like of that uncle who took his chunnu munnus and missus accompanied by their dhaarmic dada-daadi to a theater to watch the movie "Jab we met" and they accidently enter the screen playing "Jab we MATE". Chunnu munnu couldn't hide their elation.

Yeah these colg dudes can be gross. An average engineering student's lingo can give any sailor a run or may i say sail for their money. Every sentence they utter is sandwiched between words which u utter each time you hear the actual figure of your boss' salary.

Once the brats are done with chaining their luggage and "sutta" they are set to explore the train for those "F-16 to F-22"s , whose locations they had by hearted from the reservation chart pasted outside the coach. They put the official SOP (statement of purpose) as "Searching for the Pantry" but you know what they are up to.('Been there done that' kind of stuff for u guys!!..hai ki nahee??). They scan each compartment they pass by, and the data is shared among themselves when they reach the ends of the coach near the washbasin. And when that data is churned to come up with some vital information as to "which coach and which berth no.", the whole group oscillates to and fro about the "point of interest".

These dudes like to get down at every other platform, roll up their sleeves, light a ciggy and look around and say "Weather kitna sexy hai re!!", (even if the train halts there just for a few nanoseconds). These guys sure are cool. I was one such brat some time back, alas i'm spoilt now.

Aah the joys of the sleeper class. the sight of the stones and gravel from the hole in the commode, the sacred inscriptions on the toilet walls for instance some outright materialistic "Saleema i luv you..err..your.." and some philosophical as in "Ek aadmi ke hote hai 2 mouth , ek to hota hai north aur ek south"[of his anatomy] and some cheesy lines like .."Boond Boond se saagar bharta hai, apni boonde apne pass rakhiye" (ab aur nahee likhta!! rehne de yaar kuchh adults bhi blog padhte hai..:P.), the unadulterated entertainment provided by those clappy-happy eunuchs, the chaaiwaalahs drawl "chaiiiiiii...bhains ki doodh ki chaai", the wait listed passengers clutching on to their tickets sandwiched between two hundred rupees notes waiting for the TT sahab,.. and a lot more . Phew!! so many memories!! Lets see if you can add to this list!! till then Sat sri tatkaal!!

Reporterrrr!!

2008-04-02T16:43:00.007+05:30

Heyaa ! GBF reporter is back again! Garambhejafry nearly felt the heat of the looming recession, as the in-house GBF reporter was planning to switch his loyalties to Aaj tak, and I don't blame him. A job that sucks more than Suck-ti kapoor (i know this pun sucks! :P), pays money equal to the signing amount of Tushar kapoor's body double, assignments that involve interviewing the super elite like the second cousins of Venkatesh prasad (Oye reader ab hasne ke paise lega kya..daant dikha de...bahut der se muh me laddu leke baitha hai!! ) the GBF reporter has a well justified reason to hang his keyboard. (Ab boots to hang karega nahee)

GBF reporter recently sneaked into the Lakme fashion week masquerading as some Hispanic journalist from some French fashion magazine. The GBF reporter was sitting up close in the very first row (which he says is the “stRing” side view), gazing North West and seriously hoping for a chain reaction of wardrobe malfunctions to take place. (Obviously I didn’t reimburse his traveling expenses to the fashion show).

He can be gross, The GBF reporter I tell you, he was once seen chasing a half-naked Shakti kapoor on some Goan beach late night who was crying and running for his gay-virginity.(naya word note kar le!!). You could see the angst in the lustful eyes of the GBF reporter while he was charging ahead clutching the pants of SRK (Shakti *rapi$t* kapoor). Eventually the Gbf reporter was traced by a trail of drool he left behind, which was too viscous for even the waves to wash off.

He can be a beast at times.

But he's a nice guy, and has shown reasonable interest towards his work (?). (Bhai tere ko to pata hoga ki brackets ke andar question mark lagaane ka matlab kya hai yaa phir aise hi padhe jaa raha hai? :-/ )

There he was near the ramp, evaluating the aesthetics and the style quotient of the designs on display. He reported the presence of a galaxy of stars there, model turned actors (?), actor turned (dummy) models, ramp to camp wannabes (Raamu, Kjo, yashraj camps blah!), hot female journalists from 24x7 english news channels (as reported by Mr. GBF reporter), and bhenji reporters from Aaj tak( who has to host a half an hour special news report titled "Khabardar ho jaao khali" after she returns to her studio). Page 3 in flesh and bones, Highnosed socialites referring to the designers by their first name as if those Fashion designers are their domestic help. sample this : "Vikram's collection was okayish, while Manish surprised me this time with the bold cuts". "Rohit dukaan se ek packet parle-G biscuit le aa” blah!

If you look closely you can see the GBF reporter ( 2nd from the right) having a perverted look on his half visible face

And in some other news, an investigative journalism feat which deserves a Pulitzer for sure was carried out by the "aapko rakhe aage" team at Star news. PETA have communicated their appreciation for the same. Have a look yourself.

"Breaking news: Commisioner ka kutta mila"

And our very own 'sick's pack' waale SRK dada (kolkata waale ho gaye) was busy unveiling his knight riders and throwing this uncomfortable and intriguing question before the general public. "Kya aap paanchvi pass se tez hai". I am sure if the question was "Kya aap paanchvi pass hai??" then more than half of the country would have answered in affirmative. (Do taali for the first kaam ki baat on this post.) And hereby I assume that the people reading this blog would have completed their primary schooling just as SRK has barely done. (Arey darde-disco brigade bura mat maano SRK here means Shakti kapoor.. *Quick twist* hihi and non SRK fans jo samjhna hai samajh lo :p!).

The author of this blog too tried to prove it to the world that he's smarter than a fifth grader and has an IQ comparable to a cauliflower's or may be Riya sen’s. (Rumor goes that Riya sen once entered an IQ contest where she had to fight it out with four cabbages, three lamp posts, a postbox and Tushar kapoor, the competition was fierce but still she managed a podium finish, not to mention that the postbox was the gold medalist).

Then accidentally the guys at the “paanchvi pass” team somehow traced this blog and barred the author and the readers of this blog to enter the contest. And you ask why?? ye sawaal tum usse jaake pucho jisne mere haanth err blog pe ye likh diya ki ..

I heard some pedophiles queued up for an entry to the audition room. They thought they would have to confront a real life fifth grader, but instead they had to put up with a ____ fifth grader. Fill in the blanks apni samajh se bhaai log.

"Poore paanch saal aur bore karunga"

Chalo bhai it izz time to say Good baai. Yeah she has been good, washing clothes and cleaning the floor or may be cleaning the floor with my clothes. Jaisa bhi hai long live commisioner ka kutta. And by any chance if you see a person running for his life on some goan beach late night, jaan bacha ke bhaag lo, GBF reporter aaya.