Garam Bheja Fry

Sunday to Monday

2010-01-25T10:25:00.008+05:30

On a Sunday afternoon, trying to put together a write-up (I must add after polishing off two Avian Limbs with gravy), is as arduous as trying to whitewash the nearest building with a toothbrush. Seriously, what a generous Sunday-lunch does to a foodie is what Narco-analysis does to tainted ministers.

And to top it all, lack of sleep the previous night makes matters worse, (especially when you have started with the season opener of LOST at 10 last night). As you stare at the monitor plucking words off the screen by your eyelids, the waft of sleep intoxicate you, slowly decapitate you of your senses, and in no time it feels like you are carrying two software-engineering textbooks on your eyelashes.

Being in such a state, expecting something intelligible to escape from the keyboard to the laptop-screen is highly improbable, and the article looks more like a result of an extended session of FIFA-play, while your word document was open. Tackle-LongPass-Shoot-PublishBlog.

I switched on the TV to keep me from passing out, and suddenly I was caught up in a socio-political ad in which cross-border dumb-charades was being enacted. ‘Aman ki asha’ they call it, looks to me, like an effort to fart out loud when the stomach is running. Poor fellas, to their misery, IPL (Indo-Pak love) is as dead as a Sohail tanveer in a Bajrang dal office.

Flipping past the Sun tvs and the Vijaya tvs and their various off shoots - showing buxom actresses flapping their love-handles trying to keep step with the over ecstatic hero at some foreign locale - I settled for Dance India Dance on Zee. Mithun da sitting alongside Salman khan, both trying to outwit each other, and some deft dancing from the contestants, made good afternoon TV viewing. But it lasted until one of the judges exclaimed after one act, "Chummeshwari performance", as he blowed a kiss to a female participant. Goodness gracious, I searched for my remote, as if it was a screaming family member buried under post-earthquake rubble. Mute. PowerOff. Peace.

Focus shifted to my twitter timeline for some canned inspiration. And guess what I see there - "Arjun rampal wins the national award in the best supporting actor category". I gasped for breath as I searched for the tag #fakingnews appended to the tweet but to no avail. It was indeed breaking news.#fail. This was as ridiculous as watching the pirated version of Avatar on your Ipod nano.

Sometimes I feel my timeline looks like a green-peace protest rally, as the tweets look more like protest-march-placard text. Chill maaro yaaro.
And there are celeb-tweets, invariably followed by a smart-ass twitterer pointing out the spelling mistakes of the aforementioned tweet. Surely for them, getting a life in addition to getting one full blooded "Fukoff" as a reply from the celeb, are two of the resolutions for the new year. And the Glamour dolls have nothing to "loose" here on twitter, "definately" more followers are gonna throng "there" timelines, their #grammargandu-isms notwithstanding and with that I rest my case here.

Saturday, before its death, had poured a refreshing Sunday into the cup of our lives. You take a few sips and before you could appreciate the taste and aroma, It has evaporated and, yeah, you snickering morons I am not on crack *hic*.

And for some of you who are still reading this at your workstations, Alt+tabbing to glory, don't get caught on the wrong tab, given you already got caught on the wrong job. Have a great week ahead. Btw can u tell me the score from the cricinfo tab you just whizzed past? I know Gambhir is putting up a 'Chummeshwari performance.'

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Garam Bheja Fry LIVE!

2010-01-21T23:51:00.003+05:30

Now Garam Bheja fry half plate(low calorie), will be delivered to you 24x7 (We work on public holidays also, infact we work the most on those very days). If you are on twitter, here is the link to follow :-

Garambhejafry at twitter

and if you are not on twitter, then you are as innocent as Pathiv patel's paaltu Khargosh. Join the Bandwagon. I'll be more than happy to trade tweets with you peepul. C ya there :)

Garam Bheja Fry reloaded

2010-01-16T17:49:00.014+05:30

Hello world! The GaramBhejaFry reporter welcomes you aaal. Long time isn't it?. Well, our correspondent had been super naturally busy, as busy as that Christiano Ronaldo is, peeling off girls from his torso. Some of the girls turned into tattoos, they say.

As most of you have pointed out that the count of posts published here in the past 3 months, is equal to the number of girlfriends you have, it’s high time I shove a post in here. Evidently, Plenty of Water tankers have passed under the bridge since I last updated this space.

Phew! Let me recollect.

We learnt about this ex-employee of Goldman sachs, Mr.bhagat, allegedly traumatised by a Credit crisis, when his name was relegated to the rolling credits of a movie, which rolled faster than a Mutual fund ad disclaimer. (MutualFundsAresubjecttomarketrisk....)

( Telemarketer: "Dear Mr bhagat, we are offering you a life time platinum Credit..."
CB : "Bah! I don't need it, I already have a lot of credit..."
TM : *giggle* Ahem!)

Heh! Credit crisis and Goldman sachs employees- A case of the chicken and egg. Who the faak was responsible, when you sold those stinking loans and jobs were lost? Huh??

"As you sow, so shall you reap"

- Farmville

And "an ugly duckling has entered your farm" ..that too.

Moving ahead; There was that Andy roddick who used to serve 3-love, after breaking the service twice, and now we have our very own Andy tiwari serving to 3-love(rs) after breaking in to the cervix more than twice for sure. (ha!). Tiwari ji ki Jai ho!

*pause for the reader to Google the term 'cervix' and get the juice of the previous sentence :D*

Lawn tennis and Yawn tennis. (Yawn as in Yawn rog :sponsored by Dr. Hashmi, who eternally operates from hotel sunshine, behind the bus stand)

(" yeah i want that...mmmm....yeah yeah..that one...uh uh...")

Those who say, this Dr. hashmi piece has been done to death on this blog, recollect your 'jawaani me kee gayee galtiyaan', and head out to offer your ‘tohfa’ for the world to ‘kabool’.

But then our GBF reporter has much more masala on news items, than you already pretend to know about. Our reporter will take it from here.

1) There was a special screening of the movie Pyar-impossible organised for Tushar kapoor, Mimmoh and Sohail khan, in which one of their very own - Uday chopra is shown to win his lady love, after coding an Operating system.

"Dhur shaala! Itna simpul" Mimmoh smirks.

He claims that if Uday chopra can code an operating system, he can bloody start tweeting from an ORPAT calculator, Poor little orang-utan, appeared in nearly 17 zoo-zoo ads without any makeup and costume, all in vain.

+

(Pappa!!, Check out my first tweet, "123456789123" watsay? Number of gundas my pappa has beaten to death in his career? please Retweet no pappa)

The three starlets came out of the theatre with eyelashes as soggy as Harbhajan singh's vest is, on the 3rd day of a Chennai test match. After watching the movie, the trio has sincerely vowed to remain side-kicks through-out their sorry lives, like the kind of people who back-slap the lead heroes with throwing in lines “yaar tu bilkul nahee badla”, “Aaj mai jo bhi hoon, sab teri vajah se hoon, mere dost!”.Aargh!

Almost all the people, who have seen the movie, are happily attaching the movie tickets along with their Tax saving documents and claiming tax benefits for the money spent as "Charity for Uday".

Meanwhile, GBF has learnt that the storywriter had tweeted the detailed story of the movie to Priyanka chopra some 6 months back, and had asked about the well being of her parents in the same tweet. Priyanka chopra, guessing by the story, inferred, that the role of Uday chopra in the movie was as substantial as that of a corner stool. (No, not *that* stool!), and she would ‘reign supreme’ (and not that Sabun ki tikiya too). Relieved, Priyanka chopra shot back with her standard "Good night tweeps! tomorrow is a big day for me, excited yet nervous, counting on your support" and slept off.

Corner stool for sure

Eventually it was proved - Priyanka and the Inferior chopra - Pair Impossible.

2. Our reporter just got this scoop from the CNN-IBN headquarters that the once-in-a-million-years-Solar-Eclipse will be a celestial event happening on a quarterly basis from now on. Those of you who had missed 'The-Solar-Eclipse-which-you'll-never-see-again-in-your-lifetime', few months back, can catch it again, this summer.

Mr ArNoob from Times Now, has prepared, what they call a "Breaking news template" in which they can readily fill values and flash it across their news channel in no time. The template goes like "Tharoor tweets _____.Senior leaders miffed", an idea as lame as this particular post on the blog.

3. In other news, Bappi lahiri has recently been recovered from a Muthoot Gold Finance locker, some asshole coaxed bappi da into coming along to the Muthoot office and before any bokachoda could help bappi da, he was nabbed by the Gold finance guys and somehow shoved into a locker. The reported asshole got two SBI ATMs full of cash in exchange. Ha! SBI Atms, which require tremendous amount of Embedded systems programming, before you can withdraw your hard(ly) earned money. Bappi da has turned into a Slab of flesh. What was he earlier then? Pshaw.

4. The Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world, was officially opened recently. Some people remarked that the idea of a suicide is not jumping off the top of Burj khalifa, but climbing up to the top, taking the stairs. Fair enough isn’t it? Now the paperwala will have to install a Bofors Gun on his bicycle to launch the rolled newspaper to the 96th floor waale Gupta ji’s door. Imagine the plight of the sabjiwala. The elevators of the building will be 2x2 semi-sleeper, and will have restrooms. Now the earth looks like a Ball-pin from space.

For All those who are new to this blog! I present to you the Best of GaramBhejaFry.

1. The Garambhejafry Dissection centre

2. FaceBhookh

3. Kutte mai tera khoon pee jaunga

4. The making of a Action se bharpoor 90's movie

Keep Visiting!

The week that was.

2009-09-04T23:34:00.006+05:30

A weekly round-up of events that make news can suffice to spill over an MS word page, which when splattered across the blog would entitle the author a much needed sigh of relief and a non-blogging-guilt-free pass for over a week or two. :)

This past week, our very own Force-Indianized Kingfishi-chella earned himself and his team a podium finish, (which caused considerable beer-logging on the roads of Bangalore, near the Mallya residence especially). And there were some nitpickers who smelled hardly anything Indian about the victory, claiming it’s the Italian driver who has done it for the Force India team.

Ha! Talk of Italian drivers. Morons who do you think is driving our country for the last five an half years.

And when MS gill was asked what does the future of motor-sports in India look like, in the wake of this momentous victory. His curt response was:

"WTF-1".

No mincing words.

The big shocker of the week was the AP CM YSR's sad demise. No fooling around with this piece of news folks.

Our correspondent Quick gun-Ajay devgan has reported a Dosa - Saambhar story : Pak trashed the Indian Dossier on 26/11, following which the mood at the Indian embassy in Pakistan was Sombre. Now he expects us to giggle at that, paah adaa paavi!

Following a sizzling news story at office can be fun as well as highly rewarding, a hard fought cricket match, a missing CM, an ongoing terrorist strike. In most of these cases the bosses are the most ill-informed of the lot, and here is the chance for the alert rookies,( who are dead determined to break the news to their managers) to win some brownie points. Despite people having PCs at their respective seats, 3-4 people have to huddle around one monitor, to read about a developing news story. The radio-commentary-camaraderie of yore. The bosses eventually get sucked into it and casually ask about the development, this is when all of the employees who were hitherto arming themselves to the teeth with the news-fact-ammunition, shoot their arrows towards their boss. The winner is the one who presents the most startling and invigorating account of the event laced with unheard of factoids. Example-

Boss (to the huddle): "Have they found him, the CM ??" (Thought bubble : Let me show them my human face...for the timebeing)

Emp1 : (grabs the opp) "No sir, apparently the helicopter had crashed, while it was heading for chittoor in some forest named Nala...Nala...

Emp2 : (Jumps in) Nalamalla forests and the names of the pilots were S K Bhatia and captain M S Reddy. The helicopter's name was Bell-430 about 10 years old and...

Emp3: The area is dense and infested with tigers and the chenchu tribes, they are one of the most primitive tribes in india, their history dating back to...

Boss : "Have they found him, the CM ??"

and then irrespective of the answer he gets, he makes an all-encompassing statement about the incurable rot in the system and moves on, which leaves all the three employees vigorously nodding in approval.

(each employee's thought bubble : "The other two assholes are bloody leaches, nevertheless the boss looks impressed with my alertness")

So until next time, learn the art. :)

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Swines and technology

2009-08-26T11:03:00.003+05:30

When I was a small kid, I read in my Colorful English grammar textbook that an example of an Exclamatory sentence is :

"Hurrah! we have won the match".

In my 18 years of conscious existence, iski sibling ki, kisi ko "hurrah" bolte naa suna. I mean hmpfff.

Hi there, it has been a long time since I scribbled something non-bulleted at this space, the kind of points which describe the kind of people - for an instance - who are ear-plugged to Ajay devgan's movie songs in office, while playing it so loud, that the "Naa kajre ki dhaar, naa motiyo ka haar..." song spills over to 10 cubicles around, from their miniature earplugs. No wonder you have to fire a cannon-ball to catch their attention. haah!

Enough of segregating people with a FB-quiz-sque mindset, I mean c'mon I am/could be one of them as well. And no points to the person, who wants to remind me that the song "Naa kajre ki dhaar..." song is not from an Ajay devgan movie. hmpff!

Look around you, the world has changed since I last posted here. Look at that Bolt fellow, people say he should wear a license plate on his arse, and should be given a fair chance of oiling the cops, lest they nab him for speeding. If he plays cricket, he should be made to stand on the square leg boundary, and he'll still be able to pull off those bat-n-pad catches. Talking of cricket, the kangaroos, with their tails firmly between their "asses"(ha!), have hopped back to their den, to assault the poor Indian student whose English is as good as your Spanish. Green card chaida tainu!

And the other big news story causing 'news-breakage' once too often on 24x7 news channels, is involving the turmoil within a national party, whose top leaders take turns in rubbing life in to the 'Jinnah of the lamp', who in turn, ironically grants wishes only to their political opponents.

"Jas want to say I am not shourie".

Yeah they just want to say they aren't apologizing for what they have said, and why should they. Hmpff.

Besides on the personal front, life has become sedate, weekends are hectic and the gruesome-weekdays oxymoronic. An efficient work-drainage system has to in place before the work-monsoon arrives and causes work-logging on my way to a timely exit from the office on weekdays. You don't need any drainage if you stay at a higher altitude. You know what I mean.

In other news, our very own square-jawed George-clooney - Ekta chaudhary dint make it to the final fifteen of the Miss Universe pageant, for reasons mentioned at the beginning of this sentence. A miss universe makes news only twice a year, once when she is crowned the title and the other time when she is crowning the new miss universe; rest of the time, her name remains an answer of a GK quiz question of reasonable difficulty.

The spread of Swines and technology has jeopardized the survival of mankind, or at least this is what, you know WHO, makes us want to believe. After a swine-flu hastened death recorded in my lane where I stay and 5 confirmed cases already detected on the same floor as I work, I still am optimistic, coz people say I am a swine and just need a day's rest to recover.
The panic situation in pune is so bad that people are being robbed on sneeze-point. (Gun-point is passé'). People are wearing space-suits to multiplexes, and even shahid kapoor is pronouncing 'Slu' as 'Slu' only!

Enuf of bakwaas, go watch/do shaktiman with shahid!

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The kind of people who are around you!

2009-07-30T10:14:00.006+05:30

(Caution : Extreme sarcasm ahead)

Who forward ppts about philosophy of life and happiness as email attachments, with lots of pics of kids and flowers.

Who use the word- "did" followed by a past tense form of any verb in sentences, they speak/write. For Ex- "I did not went there yesterday".

When they press the 'enter' key after typing some lines on a chat window, the Enter-keystroke can be heard within a radius of 20ft.

Who hope that they don't stumble upon any known face, while they step out of the office lavatory. These guys wear an apologetic look on their faces and are trying to communicate with their body language : "Dint get time in the morning yaar!!".

Who act as if they are searching for their friend in the crowd, but actually are checking out a particular girl. The girl is completely aware of the fact, contrary to the belief of the gentleman.

Who hope that any of their friends gets tagged in some random album so that they can run through the entire album, searching for pretty sights.

Who post stuff on their blog, and go to the extent of tattooing the link of the post onto their bodies to bargain for an appreciative comment or two.

Who always claim their credit limit is maxed out, and so you have to book the movie tickets from your card for the group/that particular person.

Who indulge in urinal-dialogues, that is talking to the adjacent urinal occupant while taking a piss, which irritates you to no end.

Who write their profile names on orkut/facebook in Capital letters.

Who make it a point to stash away some 45 chilly flakes and oregano sachets when they order a pizza.

Who often keep their cellphones in their shirt pockets.

Who write ROFL / LMAO/ ROFLMAO without actually knowing the full form.

Who use the same Bisleri pet bottle for two years to store and drink tap-water from.

Who keep the phone at a 45 degree angle with their ear while talking.

Who play Orkut game applications and get excited after a high score which they publish gleefully.

Who mull over calling back that Nigerian businessman who has offered them to part with his cash, for a little help.

Who recommend "You can win" by Shiv kheda to random people.

Who hail Chetan bhagat as the best thing to happen to Indian literature.

Who post word-art(for ex- A guitar made of hashes and asterisks) as orkut-testimonials to friends.

Who don't know how to react and what to say, when some-one thanks them graciously.

Who look away from the camera while posing for a shot, when they are wearing Aviators.

Who have secretly clicked the "Unlike" button on Facebook at some point of time.

Who actually click on the Google ads.

Can u add more....

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27 vital stats you must know

2009-06-23T16:07:00.005+05:30

1) 67% of the self righteous elderly gentlemen believe that farting should be banned at petrol bunks citing it as a precautionary measure.

2) 57% of the youngsters do fart at petrol bunks after relieving their bums from the pillion seat after a long ride.

3) 81% of the old folks talk considerably loud while on an STD call.
4) 81% of engineering students talk loudly anyway.

5) 7.5% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss national politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

6) 0.0075% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss State politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

7) 65% of the people use their mobile-phones as a timepiece.

8) 73% of the boys who are wearing goggles look around pompously for any beautiful girl who's checking them out.

9) 58% of the people haven't completed reading Fountainhead/Atlas shrugged despite years of hard work put in.

10) 76% of the 14-24 Age group men still giggle seeing stray condom packets on the sidewalk or elsewhere.

11) 91% of the engineers have absolutely no idea as to what does an HR professional do in a day's work.

12) 87% of the 18-25 Age group people get excited seeing a vehicle bearing their home-state's license plate.
for example -: Upon seeing GJ-01-6789 "Ey ghel-chodyaaa!!!!"

13) 93% of the people belonging to the 20-30 age group use the words "Autowaalas" and "bastard" in the same sentence.

14) 89% of the people who refer Google maps before heading for an un-chartered territory or destination get terribly lost in their way.

15) 77% of the young men after washing their hands wipe their hands clean of water by gloving their hands in their respective jeans pant pockets.

16) In 75% of the high schools, Male absenteeism is at its peak just a day before Raksha bandhan.
The rest 25% schools are boys-only.

17) 93% of the 18-25 age group boys wear a super low waist jeans pant over a Jockey undergarment. So that even if they wear a Silk Kurta the label should show somehow.

18) 99.9% of the actors would never wear the undergarment brands they are endorsing.

19) 67% of the girls who are obese wear super tight tees and denim pants which are about to explode. (god knows why)

20) 81% of boys agreed to the fact that the first thing they do when they enter a coffee shop is to check whether any cute girl is sitting inside.

21) 87% of the people aged between 18-25 years mock at the alleged stupidity of the news items broad-casted by the Hindi news channels, 65% of the above youth have confessed watching those news items on a regular basis.

22) 87% of even the most liberal boys who see a girl on the pillion seat tightly clasping the male rider, use the words "indian culture", "tradition" and "girls character" in consecutive sentences.

99% of those boys would kill for being that male rider.

23) 73% of the people extremely detest those facebook users who claim to have an awesome time every five minutes, and they share this feeling every alternate day through their status msgs.

24) In 75% of the cases when there are 5 people to be dropped at their respective homes in a friend's car, then 90% of the passengers when starting from the same point, quicken their steps towards the front door to get that seat.

25) When boys thumb down messages on their cellphone while driving, 95% of those messages are intended for a female recipient.

26) 78% of the people who hang-up on escaping with saying "I'll call you later", never call back.

27) 2% of all times when a person looks in to the rear view mirror over his head, is for actually gauging the incoming traffic,

the rest :-

68% of the times checking out that hot female who's is this cousin of a friend, sitting in the back seat or may be the beauty behind the wheel driving right behind.
30% of the time showing his distaste through a cold stare to his friend for being coaxed into dropping some random tag-along bitchy female to the other end of the city.

Pick your top 3 and do tell me :) and do check out shashank fame gajabkhopdi's post for more of such viral stats.

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GBF interviews Shiny ahuja, exclusive!

2009-06-18T23:18:00.003+05:30

After two rapes in quick succession which took the Indian media by storm, ( we are not gonna discuss about the first incident of rape involving the Indian cricket team) the GBF reporter has sprung back into action (he is the In house Garam bheja fry reporter for the uninitiated). Expectantly he decided to carry out a sting operation, hoping to unravel the truth or fallacy behind the latest episode which has made its way in to the list of the seven man-maid wonders of the world.

He decides to oil the paandus at the police chauki and interview Shiny himself. And so he masquerades as a representative of the Bai Association of India, in short BAI, (lo how convenient is that). Nevertheless the reporter assures Shiny that he'll give a fair chance for him to explain his cause. And later he adds that it'll be as fair sending Dhoni back to jharkhand.

Our reporter has this habit of mumbling words after he finishes sentences, whatever he mumbles is not clearly audible to the listener. All that he mumbles will be in italics.

And so the interview begins.

"Hi Mr. Ahuja, I am a representative of BAI and I assure you that this interview won't touch upon those baseless reports going around in the media like the one in which your wife says you are completely innocent"

"Ohh umm..yeah go on"

"Lets talk about the new movie you have signed, your own real life story "Life in a Metro, when wife in another metro".. How is the project coming along...??"

"Well not that smooth as one would expect...Date clashes with my other production in the pipeline "F*ck Baai chance" is delaying things up.."

"Recently reports of the new trend as known as "Casting (kitchen) Sink", where the maids in the homes of producers have been offered roles in exchange of...."

"In exchange of what?? " Shiny growls

"Err Umm In exchange of all the love, faithfulness and yeah all those pains she takes on most nights near the sofa and all this with her CONSENT isn't it??"

"Of course of course"

"Tell me Shiny, how did your love for these downtrodden, unfortunate un-educated hardworking poor little things grew over time"

He grows nostalgic "Aahh well, During my days of struggle in Mumbai, I once visited this uncle's place in Andheri, where I saw this girl wiping the dining table clean with a piece of cloth..mischief on her face..ooohh the way her back was.."

"*Cough* *Cough*"

"I mean.. her back was...bent due to effort, I felt really sorry for her, she nearly smiled when i wished my uncle "Good baai" *sigh*"

"Good old days"

*Sighs *"My little mer-maid"

"What??"

"*oops*...Umm wtf ask the next question! Quick!! I need to...umm... sleep"

"You do love these baais don't you??"

"What Love?? I respect them...they are noble women.."

"That explains your liking for Kangna ranaut.."

"Did u just say...?? "

"Umm...No No sir, never mind, would you like some tea sir? "

"No thanks"

"Fresh maid sir” winks twice to his inner self

"ok give me some"

the reporter speaks as he pours tea into the cup from his thermos

"Lets talk about something else, like what was your favourite subject at school?"

"Aah there you go again, you got me nostalgic today, My fav subject has always been Baailogy more so since that moronic teacher didn't teach us that chapter in our science textbook, which talked about as how to take precautions while raping ...Err I mean...that reproductive system mechanism. It even explained how to have kids and how NOT to have kids."

"Very fine Sir. Now lets get down to business, Your wife is screaming her lungs out in the public saying that you have been framed and all of it is a made up story"

"WHO said it's maid-up story, she never was up. All the time she was below me and I was over her, ....that stubborn bitch!!"

"Thanks for the confession sire, Wish you a very good Baai"

The GBF reporter scurries and he is panting while he types this last line. Adios!

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Govinda = Gov of India

2009-06-14T02:46:00.005+05:30

Govinda = Gov of India

Believe me this post is gonna be more random than the title. After all "random matlab samajhdari" :P.

A lot has been happening on the personal front, A weeklong stay at home suite home, (Chuck the presidential suite, the "home suite" is in) Coming back to my office and finding myself ankle deep in work, being as useful as the F12 key on your keyboard. (kabhi dabaya hai?), then suddenly I was told to apply for Visa to a country in sub-Saharan Africa named Angola for a business travel spanning 6 weeks. A new project beckoned.

Now whenever you hear the name of any lesser known African country, The slide show which runs on your bheje ka projector is somewhat like of hungry black kids with swollen bellies with UNICEF aid nearby and if you have seen "Blood diamond" by any chance, then the picture is much scarier.

So when my boss did break in the news to me, I was in a "chhodiyaan todo" mode. It’s like going with Anti-Malaria shots in your ass and returning with bullet shots in your head. Then suddenly the prospect of an African Safari and a week long stay in Jo’burg was thrown in. I knew it was like an offer to scuba dive into your nearest sewage tank. I politely refused and had pity on that euphoric asshole who was chosen as my substitute. Travelling to the war torn nation is as unsafe as Harbhajan singh going for higher studies to Australia.

So I got myself shifted to a desi project, bole to ekdum dara singh ke kandhe pe baitha Praveen kumar jitna desi, which will take me to saaddi dilli. And as the visionary ascetic Anu baba puts it "east or west india is the best" and later he adds "between burma in the east and kabul in the west" but wo koi nahee sunta.

Then some days back I saw this blog crossing the 60,000 hits mark, I know people are losing jobs, some are on the verge of it and some are waiting to join their jobs to eventually lose it. enuff said.

Now this new kind of quiz is sweeping facebook :- "How well do you know Nigodee Salma?" and the likes.

And questions like

"what do I pick first in the morning : the toothbrush or the toothpaste",

"How much marks did i get in my 7th class 2nd mid term Social science paper?"

"What's my gmail password?"

With questions like these , people expect you to score a percentage high enough to get a call from IIM Ahemdabad. And if you have scored a shade less than the other runners, which in most cases you do, you have to issue this official apology."I am so sorry..buhuhu..the questions were tuf :((..aage se aisee galti nahee hogi...bhagwaan ke liye mujhe maaf kar do"

Apologize-forgive-apologize routine. I mean where are those good old quizzes which proclaimed you as the new Tom cruise with an IQ over 160 and told you'll be a bloody billionaire with the sense of humor comparable to that of chandler bing's.

And after you do create your own quiz, and when people whom you expect to score high, fail stupendously, it makes you more miserable. Why such Misery?. Last heard facebook was a fun place to be. Ab bhai koi shaadi thode hi kara rahe hai "ladka ladki ek doosre ko jaan le samajh le" quiz.

"Aree saleema tune Zunaid ka quiz bhar diya...bade haseen sawaalat likhe hai usne?"

"Nahee mujh nigody ko waqt kahaan milta hai, din bhar to wo paaji kaamran poke kiya phirta hai, ek aadh sawaal to bata?"

"Aise na bataaungi , pehle tumhe ye batana hoga ki imraan apni maashooka ko dekh kar kitni baar seeti bajata hai..Uff uss harzaai ne apne quiz me pucha hai?"

And so the gossip thickens. Facebook is as synonymous to quizzes as peshawar is to blasts. The time on the clock is 2:26 a.m. and its time to sleepofy. now doing some justice to the title of the post

Similarities between Govinda and Gov of india :-

Both are inflated these days.

Both don't care if your grandmother dies (mai to raste se ja raha tha, bhelpuri kha raha tha, teri naani mari to mai kya karu)

Ta!

P.S. : I'll start replying to the comments from now on. lets c what you have got. :)

If you liked this, just type in your email-id and you get the posts delivered to your mailboxes as soon as i post them here :)

Indian Pop culture - I :UPDATE

2009-05-29T16:56:00.009+05:30

Now just a few days back i stumbled upon this creative juice ki dukaan http://graphjam.com. it provides you with a tool, using which u can create graphs, pie charts and venn diagrams in lesser time than Usain bolt takes to reach the non-striker's end. Now if you are wasting time in grasping the previous pun, worry not even i dint get it, ab direct bilkul fast neeche dekhne kaa...

(Click on the image to enlarge)

I could have posted more of these, but since i am leaving for home this sunday. I am feeling naughty, restless and whole lot happier like a pakistani zoozoo Guhahaha! Gaaonwaalo, here i come!

Pyar me cutbacks

2009-05-22T14:55:00.003+05:30

Ah! Welcome here, long time isn't it. I was away in the land of Shoot-outs, Shooting studios, Shooters @ olive bar, Slum offshoots: Mumbai. There I was the past one month gauging what makes Mumbai the 'Bombay' we know it to be. But trying to put together one more of those "oh-so-philosophical" posts about the maximum city, is as futile as the process of you pissing in the Mahim creek hoping that your friend(read: bastard) who ditched you to Goa (coz you had to work weeknds) may taste some of 'that' while he is taking a quick dip there. Futile isn't it.

Strange times are these of victorious Bangalorean cricket, rejuvenated 'gandhi'giri, countries celebrating the extinction of tigers, and a Priety zinta who only shakes hands these days (and later the players shake with hand!)... Shall we move on.. hmpfff!
I mean what has 'hello' happened to this 'helloooo'...country. The humor is pathetic 'hello' and not much to write abt...Life is going at a sedate pace and i-pill has surely helped sort out some issues. :P

Not much work at office and chances of working on a weekend are as slim as actually "working" on a weekday. I got a call from some editor who wanted the items of this blog to be pipelined to his magazine, aur "haaye mai to sharam ke maare mar gayee". The write-ups on this blog are as useless as a blind abhinav bindra. Chill maaro yaaro, churana hai churaao, udaana hai udaao, what goes of my father?? hindi me - mere baap ka kya jaata hai.

We launched a new mobile handset which our team had coded this past month, 5 months of hard work and a grand party is in the offing and to those cost cutting hawks who are opposing such lavish expenditure I quote a famous line which has been recently translated from the ancient scriptures:

Verse 3:19 - "Pyaar me koi cutbacks nahee hone chahiye"

Indeed they love us, kyuki u have the authority of spanking the ass of only those few whom u love dearly. Isn’t it? aisa mummy kehti thi.

And there has been this deluge of facebook quizzes off late, "Which 'Jaago grahak jaago' ad character are you?" , "How well do you know Nand kishore Chaubey?" and the likes. And there are ample number of people out there in your friend list who actually want to know as to which 'windows error message' are they. Kudos to them. There are a million chandlers out there, and almost equal number of Harry potters, No wonder facebook is a truly blessed community. Pokes, super-pokes are passé. May be next time a full blooded quiz will be posted here.

Signing off with nothing much to say but for these few words which have proved to be a talisman to me:-

"Apna luck pehen ke chalo"

:)

India this week

2009-04-12T23:13:00.005+05:30

With just a week left for you to 'cast your vote' or may be 'vote your caste', the election campaign is heating up like never before. Everyone has an opinion nowadays, and they are sure wielding it out in the open, but as garambhejafry puts it, opinion is like an ass, almost everybody has a (loop)hole in it.

Even the watchman of my building, the pseudo communist Nepali had to say something about the shoe episode, he said and I quote

"Shoe-tiyapa ho gaya shaabji !!"

Shoetiyapa it was. Chidambaram faced a reebok err rebuke which he had never faced before for his words. That’s what happens when a man whom you trust with the numbers starts mincing words instead. On second thoughts why is that the shoe always misses its target, never has it hit the intended recipient, quite a shoe miss-tery is this.

But yeah some good news trickled in as well in these dire times, like India's win in the kiwiland, the miss India pageant, my new haircut, varun gandhi still in jail etc etc.

IPL is about to kick off. All the teams and their cricketing brains have reached down under. Shilpa shetty whose knowledge about the game is comparable to that of Shamita shetty's, is pretty pumped up and has vowed to put her grey cells to some use. Just the other night she roared in full media glare

"We will crush Pakistan!! Woohoo *raj kundera elbow* err yeah in ...rawalpindi...when we...umm tour them.. ".

Shut (the door) up and pounce, will u!!

Preity Zinta has promised she will throw fewer hugs this time, the last time on her hugging spree she accidentally hugged one of the poles (on which the team t-shirt was hung) three times. By the way Rakhi sawant has said that if she owns a team in future, she is ready to smooch all the players, except that MIKAel hussey.

Vijay Mallya is all set to put all his businesses on display during the matches which royal Challengers play. So this time expect drunken cheerleaders, the drinks trolley driven by Narain karthikeyan into the ground, a vivid demo by his airline attendants as to how to wear pads, helmet and gloves in a terribly accented voice-over, and other exciting stuff.

Watching the royal challengers bat is as exciting as listening to the radio commentary of the bikini round at the miss world pageant. What can u expect from a team which has been named after a product, sheesh I cannot imagine what the team-name would have been, if Vijay mallya had been manufacturing kaayam churn. Kaayam churners. Whoa. *wrath of the author is justified as he is a bangalorean*

Well the coach of the kolkata knightriders, Mr. John Buchanan has come up with a plan according to which the kids who stand near the boundary ropes are gonna be the captains of the team, who will then consult the cheerleaders for the bowling changes. Shahrukh khan has diplomatically endorsed the plan right away and couriered few lollypops to kolkata.

And finally we'll wrap up this news update with a chat between a father and his two kids I overheard...

Three of them watching Roadies on Mtv

Kid: "Papa is that fat girl wearing pink a robot??"

Father: "No but why do you ask son?"

Kid : "No, whenever she speaks we can only hear Beep beeps"

Boy : "No she can't be a robot with such Big....err..foul-mouth"

Father: "yeah right!"

C ya...btw this is the 100th post on the blog. :)

P.S. : Thanks to all who rated the ad at yahoo. Now it's the highest rated ad there. ekdum jhakaas! :)

A polite request

2009-04-02T16:08:00.003+05:30

If this blog has been successful in planting even a faint smile on your face, then i request you to go thru the link and vote for your's truly. It's a print ad i created, which has been selected in a race for Cannes. :)

1) Goto the link.
2) Click to rate. (you'll have to sign in with your yahoo id, for GaramBhejafry's sake do sign in! )
3) Read new posts every week here. :P (bait! bait!!)

http://in.uncannies.yahoo.com/view.php?id=897_5

It reminds me of those famous words quoted by a visionary :-"Agar aap vote nahee kar rahe ho to aap so rahe ho (kisike saath)"

See you there. :)

Poll Dance

2009-03-29T00:50:00.006+05:30

5th april, 2009 : We have some Breaking news here! In an All party general meeting here in delhi, it has been decided that the general elections this year are gonna be relocated to foreign countries citing security reasons. The decision wasn't unanimous, but due to some heavy under-the-table-trafficking which was sponsored by VIP and Samsonite a consensus was reached. Talk of the MPs living out of the suitcase.

All the rallies, rath yatras, speeches, meetings will be televised on camera to be shown to the Indian viewers back home. The politicians will be counting on the Indian diaspora from the bay area to turn up in huge numbers for the processions and speeches, and shout slogans like "Sadhu yadav Zindabad".

7th april, 2009 : We are reporting live from Peshawar in Pakistan, where Varun gandhi has just finished his speech, He enjoyed a good turnout here in Peshawar amidst security fears. Our sources tell us that, out of the 100 people who turned up, 98 of them were suicide bombers, so when they saw everyone around them of their own clan, they decided against it. The two other lucky (ass)souls were my cameraman and I. We caught up with Varun after his speech.

"Hi Varun, How do you feel campaigning in pakistan, Your speech has stirred the youth here"

"Yeah! I'll amputate them, hell yeah! I'll slaughter ...bloodshed...f**king drone attacks, "

"But even your own party is shying away from your extremist point of view!!"

*sees a man with a beard, fiddling with his waist-band nearby* "What extremism! we are a peace loving secular party! Every religion wants harmony and..."

"But you just said that a few seconds back..."

"What did i say? You mediawaalahs want to frame every gandhi under the sun and every son under a gandhi...it must have been doctored..*turns back and breathes fire* Who dubbed that for me.. .i am being framed.."

*the reporter turns to the other leader who has been listening all this* "I can't help, until it's proved with e...evidence in... *reads from a chit or paper*... in a court of law"

*while the bearded gentleman is still fiddling with his waistband*

Back to the studio.

Overheard: A water cooler conversation between two suicide bombers :-

" 'sup dude, i heard two of your team mates are going on an onsite assignment"

"*sighs* lucky assholes sucked their way up, and what am i doing here?? bloody local bombings- Quetta, Kabul or at most Peshawar...it sucks man..no challenge, no value addition to your resume', no media exposure...bah.."

"Office politics dude, it kills slow.."

"Seriously man i am planning to move on...Now i have a family to support...I can't take it anymore..IPL, Commonwealth, G8 summit... so many on-site opportunities and the bloody manager wants me to whoop sorry pashto asses, i am gonna request the HRs to get me transferred to the sleeper cell division"

"Holy grail dude!..sleeper cell....every rookie wants to be there..nothing like it"

"Hmmm...Anyways I heard you too have been nominated for that chemical weapons training...the training rooms have been booked for two days i guess"

"Yea-ah! some Libyan smart ass is gonna come....i am gonna peacefully sleep through it"

"Good luck mate! and I have this presentation to make, which my boss is gonna present to the madarsas in karachi tomorrow morning..Aargghh...Deadlines i tell you ..."

"My friend, in our profession, Deadline is a time when our (life)lines are dead"

"Philosophical !!"

9th May 2009 : We have a showdown at our hands : Manmo hensing (great uncle of Van helsing who maintains the puns in this post are of poor quality) vs Shared power (who believed his name is a misnomer) are both gunning for the prime ministerial nomination from the ruling alliance. Shared power, the president of the country's cricketing board as well, is in no mood of sharing any power or even power-cuts. He's campaigning in New-zealand to at least coax Jeetan patel in voting for his cause.

In other news a quote that made the headlines : -

"Aim for the Prime minister"

said by Kaanshiram to Mayawati.
said by a Talibani commander to his sniper.

To be continued....

Types of Love-birds - PART II

2009-03-15T00:17:00.004+05:30

In addition to the previously mentioned categories....

4) The Possessive (read jeene nahee dungi) types:-
This is the category of those cupid struck couples where one of them,(read the female) is extra possessive of the other. If suppose they went shopping and she finds her boyfriend staring at a female mannequin for more than 3 seconds then she won't speak to him for 3 days and moreover spy on his cell phone for the next 1 month as to whether the mannequin and her boyfriend are exchanging text messages.
If the boyfriend doesn't pick her call in 2 rings then she's damn sure her boyfriend is making out with a blonde bombshell in a Nariman point penthouse, even though the poor guy was just washing his stinking chadddi-baniyaan in the bathroom.

Girl : "Kahaaa the??????"

Boy: "Jaanu mai to bathroom me..."

Girl : "Itni der se...mai itni pareshaan ho gayee....bata ke bhi nahee gaye..tumhe meri koi chinta

nahee hai...you have changed a lot...%#$#$#...."

Boy: arey abhi 5 minute pehle hi to bataya tha ki chaddi dhone jaa raha hu...

Girl : "Hawwwwwwwwww ....Kiski chaaddiiiiiiiiiiiii??"

Boy : "Chunky pande ki chaddi...arey apni chaddi hi to dhounga naa jaanu"

Girl "Tumhe mazaak soojh raha hai, jaao mai tumse baat nahee karti *hangs up*

Boy:(looks at the phone) Teri maa ki.....

Girl: "Kya bolaaaa..."

Boy: "Errr Arey matlab ...Teri man ki baat mai samajh gaya tha jaanu, aage se tumhe kabhi akela nahee chhodunga" *the boy thanks harbhajan singh under his breath*

As you can see, for such girls giving some space to your partner in a relationship is akin to sending the Indian cricket team to play a 5 test match series in Baluchistan, with Narendra modi as the team coach.

5) The Super chipkoo types :-

"Baby meri naak pe machhar baitha hai, usey mai maar du??"

"Baby meri peeth pe khujli ho rahee hai khujla lu?"

Teri to! Such guys(?) are super naturally committed to their partners. They would wear the same color clothes to college, wear lockets where the one half is with the guy and the other half is worn by the girl, get tattoos done of each other’s names in exotic languages. PDA (public display of Affectio...err Acrobatics) is just another means to strengthen their bond, even if the cell phone cameras around are heating up. They both repose their faith in one holy verse lifted from a holier scripture-
"khullam khulla pyar karenge hum dono, iss duniya se nahee darenge hum dono" . And they do just that, they are the regulars at all the Ram gopal verma movies. After one such show when I asked the gatekeeper, how was the turnout for the show.

"Saab aaj to ek hi banda aaya dekhne"
"Nahee yaar ghuse to dono the"
"Nahee ji seat to ek hi occupied dikh rahee thi"
"Never mind" I said.

The Kaamdev-d and his paaro go to the classes, tuitions, motions, cafeteria, basketball court, mess hall, library, loo and lot of other places of which I have no clue, TOGETHER. Even the Siamese twins may separate for a smoke or an urgent nature call, but not them. Long live their bond.

6) The Shhhh.. couple :-

"Jaanu on your b'day i'll gift you an imported Aftershave lotion"

"How sweet of you baby, but I still prefer the one you are using right now"

Sssshhhhhhh....!!

Types of Love-Birds

2009-03-13T16:27:00.006+05:30

Since the love apple was first bitten by 'Eva' longoria, and sex in the city started, this buzzword - love (jargon for most of us and the cause of 'jaagran' for the few lucky assholes) evolved. This particular word has been as trivial to me as the "whodunit" of the bloody Gassacre in the meeting room this afternoon. (Chhole bhatoore Damn!).

If you are disgusted by reading the previous statement and are making statements like "Hatt tu kya samjhega! Pyar to pooja hai" then you surely fall in one of the categories I am about to mention. :D

When I was a small kiddo, an age whose innocence can be gauged by an incident that took place during my schooldays in the early 90's :-

During a free period one of the substitute teachers who used to give us toffees to sit on his lap, how sweet of him.(Reader daant mat dikha those toffees tasted good) came to our class.

The angelic teacher summoned each one of us one by one to the dais to sing a song, whose lyrics we were comfortable with. After kiddos started belting out Govinda numbers like "Sarkaaye lo khatiya" and "Meri pant bhi saxy", my benchmate's(who was a Doordarshan addicted bachha) turn came, unsure of what to sing he went up and sang at the top of his voice..

"Pyar huaaa, ikraar huaa hai,
pyar se ab kyu darta hai dil,

Deluxe Nirodh, bharat ka sabse jyada bikne wala....."

The teacher immediately shifted two kids from his lap, and cleared his throat and declared recess.

Those days I thought pedophilia was some disease supposed to be cured by homeopathy. So in due course of time I learnt various connotations of the word love. Student- teacher love, Teacher - student (ahem!), parents->kids, first salary->fresher, I-banker->job portals, Govinda -> Karishma kapoor/Raveena..etc. But what we are gonna discuss here is the ladka-ladki, Chora-chori wala love…

1) The Small town Bunty babli –

Picture a scrawny chokra wearing a hip-bone hugging, crotch strangulating, Monkey washed Jeans, held by a belt, on the Metallic buckle of which, a skull and two pistols are encrusted.
He runs his fingers through his hair every 30 nanoseconds, and stares at any female down the street by his mental X-ray vision. (mann ki aankhe baccha) He has a “Iski bhen ki kya maal hai!” attitude towards any remotely feminine object. He has invested a total of 75 rupees to get his hair straightened. The neighborhood barber is his soul mate, who sometimes asks for his balance 25 rupees.

He refers to his ‘Babli’ as his “Setting” and frequents a certain cybercafé (which charges 75 rupees an hour and offers police raid immunity) with his setting. The cybercafé is a classy one, which even has (carefully) installed web-cams in the cubicles for the customer’s perusal (although they somehow forgot to put computers in the cubicles), but the couples inside never notice. Innocent souls.

They fix their meetings while the girl is attending her saheli ka birthday and the boy has an extra class at his Maths tuition (at least according to the parents) .

Such couples when they reach the metros they can be found at bandstand(Mumbai), (where one of them ‘bends’ while the other ‘stands’) or may be deflowering behind the flowers at the Lodi garden in Delhi.
Once on a valentine’s day while bunty n babli were at the bandstand sitting under a large umbrella, someone poked bunty in the ribs from behind with a stick.

“Tuzhe Naav Kay Aahey? (What’s your name?)

“Ummmm…RamNaresh yadav”

“Tumhi Bhaiyaa Aahey”

“Aaahe *flurry of slaps*…aayyyyyy”

A bhaiya celebrating Valentine ’s Day in Mumbai under a large rainbow umbrella. Priceless.

He’s the Fraandship scrapper, who has his profile name embellished with strange symbols and he has written some 5 different plagiarized word-art testimonials to Babli.

Besides babli is one giggly creature which giggles at the drop of a hat (and other clothing accessories as well). She is the one who’s completing her B kaam/BCA/fashion designing ka course from the neighborhood college since the big bang. Enough words dedicated to them now, lets move on to the next category.

2) Long distance lovers :-

“Mere piya gaye Rangoon, le gaye RIM ka telephoon”.

A sure shot way to spot a person who belongs to this particular category is by noticing that he/she carries two cell phones, one of them is a regular one with MMS clips in the memory card and non-veg forwards in the Inbox, and the other phone which looks like a Super Nirma saabun ki tikiya after 20 days of rigorous use.

Each time one of the “bicchde panchhi” picks up his/her phone to call that special one, the inferior Ambani grins wide. And don’t expect the couple to talk about the Gaza crisis or the Pakistani instability, Overheard from one such repartee.

Boy :“Tumhe pata hai, kal raat naa tum mere sapne me aayi thi, aur phir maine tumhe aise zor se pakad liya * giggles”

Girl :“hatt badmaash…Tum naa bade “Wo” ho..*giggles*!!”

Boy: “*Showers some kisses* “

Girl : “Hum jo baate karte hai agar kisi ne sun liya to, …ufff.. pata nahee kya hoga” //most common line

Boy : “heehee…Sachhee me”

Girl : “waise ek baat bataao, kal to hum saari raat baat kar rahe the, phir tumhe sapna kab aaya”

Boy : “Errr…ummm…Saari raaaat kya...wahee mai kahoo subah uthh ke mere kaano me dard kyu ho raha hai” :P :P

Boring as it may sound, but ask them and they’ll say time flies, (with the phone balance of course). Their phone bill each month equals their house rent. These ghosts wander the terraces of their buildings late night. Be there at your terrace at around 11-12 pm in the night, and you’ll find these ghosts floating on different terraces, showering kisses and passing on sweet nothings. (This case is valid only if you are not one ghost yourself).

3) The matured lovers: -

This is the most dormant of the lot, who have been members of the above mentioned categories during the heydays of their relationship. But now they are in their late 20’s and at least one of them is being forced into “ladka dekh lo/ladki pasand kar lo” ritual. Now is the time to break in the news to the family.

Tense times, that’s why you would see them sipping away at coffee shops with tense faces and having small-talk between sips.
By this time they have at least one confidante in the family who knows about the “chakkar”. :P . This is the point of inflection for them; They can either call it over, or may be dare to declare. DDLJ nahee hota re real life me.

Gladly “My pyar hua ikraa hua” wala bachpan ka dost is still rollicking in the second category, and now he knows which is the largest selling one and more importantly why. ;)

Please find the second part of this post here

Face-bhookh - A letter

2009-01-21T14:56:00.007+05:30

Hi vicky_underscore_coolest_hunk ,

Howdy? As per your request I am sending some quality tested Javascripts to unlock orkut albums and scrapbooks, and a fraandship-scrapper-engine which processes 500 female orkut profiles in a second. Phew! Tough isn't it. Damn these anti-social networking sites..

I feel, it is time, I should tell you, the good 'ol early millennium formula - scrap-add-friend-chat-meet-kiss doesn't bear fruits these days on orkut, my friend. All of the single and looking as well as the single looking variety have fled to a new playground christened as the "Facebook." It’s a hip place they say, coz it’s hot in Amreeka, period.

They happily poke each other (they don't mention which part of the body.Damn!), they paint each others' walls, they buy/sell/recruit each other irrespective of the market condition , they compare each other('s) and even send cold drinks.

Confused ?? Well I'll decode the jargon for you.

1. News feed: - You'll have this feeling that you have seen this word before somewhere. Surely my friend, On the top right hand corner of your homepage (www.debonairblog.com), you would have seen that saffron colored rectangle with "RSS feed" written under it. That’s for receiving news as they happen. And all this time you thought it was a charity banner urging you to "Feed the poor RSS(Rashtriya svayamsevak sangh) workers" and you were quite justified in your assumption as it is indeed saffron in color.

Actually at Facebook this particular feature enables you to monitor what all your friends have been up to, but be really careful as it accurately reports not just you deeds but the misdeeds as well. Just the other day the whole Khandan of Raju came to know that "Raju is bargaining for 4 DVDs of chinese porn at the Burma market".

Raju is in his final semester of Btech.On the Last day of the semester after submitting the final year project and enduring the viva shit, raju breathed a sigh of relief. And the following evening he fished out a DVD from his bag and stuffed it in his player, to his horror Raju saw project slides flashing over his TV screen.

We saw the news feed instantly "Raju has fainted". Rajus of this world seem to be doomed. As you can see, double edged sword is this feed thingy.

2. Photo Tagging : It is one more of those cool features this networking site boasts off, here you can tag the names of your friends on your photos(without their prior permission), just as one of my friends tagged the name of his ex-girlfrnd in a pic, the girlfrnd cheerfully tagged back!

Then I heard that some pea brained Pakistani security advisor named Durrani tweaked something in his private album and was fired for what he did, see if you can figure out, I dunno what's wrong with this pic.

3. Writing on the wall :- Scrapbook becomes a wall here. Writing on a wall especially on the toilet walls of an engineering college, has always been a mentally stimulating job. The good 'ol "Aapka bhavishya aapke haantho me hai" , the evergreen "haanth pant me naa pocche". still lingers. Remember the time when your Engineering maths wala master flunked you in the internals, you quietly went to the toilet and undersigned at the space where hundreds of other students had signed below the transcript where the sister and mother of that master were well decorated.

Here you have to be a friend of someone before you can extend your fraandship msg on their walls, paradoxical isn't it.

4. Events :- Just the other day I saw one of my juniors flashing this one :-

"Sandy plans to attend college on the next Tuesday - rsvp to this event".

So you can intimate people around you about any special event you are attending/gatecrashing.

5. Quizzes and games: - People challenge each other at different quizzes for example

"Which Mumbai-26/11 terrorist are you??” (You can be one among ten different terrorists)

"Which Aaj tak/india tv news reporter are you??" (Mind you, this is deadlier), and lots more.

Above all, you can still exercise your cutesy tricks, like replacing your display pic with one of your childhood mug shots, old scanned black-n-white photo in which you are wearing knickers as well as that oh-so-innocent look on your face. (of course you do this to attract those "kinne cute lag rahe ho", "Sho shweeeet" type comments from the girls in your friend list, the bastard you are ). The guys look at these pics, smirk and shoot comments like "Saale badaa hoke kitna harami ho gaya hai"..."Molested child lag raha hai" and the likes.

So being your social networking secretary, I strongly recommend you to sign up @ facebook, and gleefully poke at anyone you like, but be very sure of not bargaining for Chinese DVDs.

Your's truly
GaramBhejaFry

When the time stopped

2009-01-05T17:23:00.006+05:30

It was around midnight, a sea more like a grease tank of capacity unknown, pitch black, mysterious. The sand washed with moonlight and rinsed by the foam, a sea breeze which froze few balls and a half moon hung over the sky oblivious of the sin it aided in. The sea was a spitting distance from where I had planted mine, on the beach. I was by a campfire, sitting together with a Israeli Jew, on my right hand side and a stoned Dutch guy diagonally across, alongside two brats canoodling with their respective arm candies, taking their tongue out only to swear by the farmhouse parties they organize back in Bangalore.

I asked the Jew

"What brings you to India?"

"Paradise this place is, people know English, good transportation, food..."

"Good transportation???"

"I was holidaying in Madagascar before this; I used to commute there by hitchhiking on lorries"

He was a hippie.

As the night grew darker a group of swaying people joined us who had brought candles and pouches (you know why) with them. A Michael phelps look-alike from wales, two Spanish girls wearing sarongs, a French lady and a German beer guzzler with a blue eyed lass (nationality unknown). The common chord among us?? - English and weed. As the joints were being rolled, people started talking as to how people from Belgium have crowded Amsterdam, and how savage have the Englishmen proven to be. The Welshman stated that both his parents have brown eyes and he has blue, so he is suspecting his mailman. I quipped in with "When Chris was born his father asked the doctor about his wife and son’s well being and the doctor replied "It was a pretty normal 'postal' delivery".

And it went on.

Suddenly the dutchie who was hitherto talking to a Scandinavian, who had joined us, got high.

"We are free, we are the bloody G-spot of mother earth"

the Amsterdam-native barked high on weed. The German said something but only his sweet tooth could decipher that.

I chipped in with "What do you call a person from Holland who has just finished 3 joints?"

"What?" the Spanish chick queried

"The flying Dutchman"

The two brats from Bangalore blinked and everyone else had a good laugh. It was probably a lame one, but weed has strange effects on you. :)

The Spanish girl who had exhaled by now just a few poorly pronounced English words and a lot of smoke, whispered me in the ear

"Do you have mariwaana (marijuana) with you?"

I politely declined. She assumed I was really sad about the fact and so, she passed me her joint with a poor-you expression on her face. I held the joint between my fingers, thought for a moment and passed it on to the Jew. :)

Then we talked as to where she lived in Spain, how she found India to be, what my R&D engineering at Samsung is all about, and what is she doing the other evening. (Till now I have restrained myself from mentioning the fact that .....She was of the smokin' hot variety )

The breeze had a nip and the sea was on a high..tide. Everybody was dizzy. A quiet midnight, the chilled out half moon, soaked sand and the greasy waves hitting the shoreline, magic. Soon the Welshman started strumming his guitar, and almost automatically we started voicing the anthem....

From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive

Lyrics | John Lennon lyrics - Imagine lyrics

"Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try
No hell below us Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for todayyyy..."

Everybody swayed as I lied on the beach staring at the clear sky, millions of stars in an infinite universe, and our planet a tiny speck somewhere there and yet we are divided, killing, blowing up each other. The few of us left in the universe.

"Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace... "

Right there lying on the beach with an absolutely blank mind I experienced.. Bliss.

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Date : First Saturday of '09
Place: Gokarna beach (A Goa without the clutter and the hoopla)

P.S. : I was in Seoul for the past one and half month, and I left my blog in india, that explains the inactivity here. :)

P.P.S : John Lennon is God.

A tale of the Tandoori knight - I

2008-10-29T18:42:00.005+05:30

Once upon a time in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a knight and not just any other knight but the ‘Tandoori Knight” He lived in a time when the stock(ings) was something which you had to get rid of, before making your deposit in the “real estate” and the mid-caps was which the tanduri knight adorned his head with, after he was knighted. (It’s a different story that the knight got rid of the mid-caps much before his followers did and at a later date all those who held on to their midcaps were cruciFIIed).

Once when the Tandoori knight was a small baby , he was given his milk bottle to suck on. Instead of happily feeding on the milk li’l tandoori held the bottle at a distance from his mouth, closed his eyes and then started crying loud enough to wake up all the kids in the neighboring kingdoms. (which included those babies who at a much later date gave birth to the knight’s co-actresses). The incessant torture led the family members to frantically search for something useless to gag the ultrasonic kiddo with, and ultimately they gagged him with their mutual fund policy papers (Phew! At last the fund came good), but to no avail. Tandoori was still belting out his su-suroor (yeah he leaked as well). Then they diag‘nosed’ the real problem.

And immediately the family men realized they were blessed with a special child.

When li’l tandoori started attending school, once his teacher innocently asked him what is “7+6”. Recently the fossils of that teacher have been found out by Nat geo.

And on his 21st b’day he was conscripted in the army of the royal kingdom of Nostrilia ( a kingdom whose cricket captain was disap’pointing’ and their fast bowlers bowled over more ‘maidens’ than they bowled maiden overs).

Tandoori was the flag bearer of his kingdom’s army in nearly all the battles. His war cry inflicted mass genocide as well as suicides. And once he single handedly smothered the opposition when half of his army men were on strike , (some sixth pay commission to be blamed) and the other half were found sharpening their daggers lest their leave application be cancelled by their commanding officers.

Tandoori was conferred the title of a ‘knight’ for that particular act of bravery and since then he has been known as the Tandoori knight.

To be continued….

In the next part : The story of the gorgeous ‘jet’tisoned princess err.. the hostess

A Friday after the dryday!

2008-10-03T19:42:00.007+05:30

*Post written on Gandhi jayanti*

After wishing a happy b'day to the greatest Ben Kingsley look-alike ever, we hit upon a friday sandwiched between a national and an international holiday. And you ask me whether I have no regard for the father of our nation, and I say, I respect him only when he is excreted from the ATM machine, and yeah last morning(2nd October) when I farted to the morning alarm and slept like a pig, I did thank him.

Each day dragging yourself to that makeshift bus-stop, seeing all those faces; those so called experienced techies, those 26-27 year old deprived virgins with a paunch and a face which explains why?

The freshers who after long last got their joining dates, (they make sure that every single contact on their contact list on orkut/facebook knows the fact and shares the same euphoria) have joined their respective poultry farms, where they will be fed chickenfeed and will be expected to- not just lay golden eggs but donate their legs for the tangdi kabaab on the clients platter. At a later date all of them will be politely culled citing the reason as market flu-ctuation.

They stand there in a bunch decked up in formals, bearing the same glint on their faces, as of their brand new ID cards around their necks. They all look seriously high and agog on the net connection speed, free coffee, and the infrastructure at their respective farms, Wallah!

Then a girl walks by, who has let her hair loose, wet and undone, you think she didn't have enough time but then you look at her carefully done eyeline, and then, you know. As she walks by, paunches get sucked in, people around desperately try to look as if they are oblivious of her presence, and some freshers stare , waiting for her to look back and when she does for a reasonable number of nanoseconds, with their eyes locked up, the ego-battery of the boys begins to charge up (the rate of charging is directly proportional to the hotness of the girl in question), then they look away instantaneously before the girl looks away, triumphant, with their egos charged up, the hair salon waallah might expect a tip the next time around. It's the who-looks-away-first contest and the egos are on the line. Alas it rarely does happen, and we have a sea of ego-low-battery virgins out there, who never get a chance to replenish their ego-pencil-cells.

There are people on the bus stop who carry back packs to office, almost every one of them. And the contents of each bag might reveal the future plans of that particular person. An exotic wordlist or a pale novel (which someone has recommended for enhancing one's vocabulary and comprehension abilities) or a newspaper reporting of blasts and casualties on the streets(dalal/wall street included) or a hurriedly packed lunch box.

While people wait for their respective buses, they watch flashy buses of those MNCs go by, who pay their employees as if there's no tomorrow and then they sigh watching those perfidious bastards, who got lucky, boarding those very buses. Gratefully I am one of those perfidious bastards. :D

Btw here are some of the facebook status msgs I flashed recently:-

1. Oktoberfest on! No wonder the markets around the world are beer-ish.

2.Hump-ty Dump-ty Shat on the wall (street),
Dow and the NIFTY had a great fall!
All the FED's resources and all the congressmen,
couldn't put together $700 billion!

3. To err is leh-man and to forgive is fed!!

4. Does your 'split-personality' has another profile? Does he visit your space here?

This is the beginning!

2008-08-21T17:31:00.006+05:30

It has been 3 weeks since I joined this place, and I must say, the workload is weighing down on me. Good lord, shooting a million juicy forwards (the "be very careful before opening" types, which you inspect when everybody thinks everybody around has gone for lunch, and they all watch it :P) to my kameene dost from my gmail inbox, Checking all those zindadil people's orkut photo albums every five minutes (bole to ekdum fasst. orkut updates se bhi pehle) , the kind of dudes and dudiyaas whose response to any problem or even a minor glitch in their smooth course of life is "Iski M@@ ki". Freaking out on weekends is a mandatory task which ought to be performed by every other member of the clan, strictly.

"Aree o saleema maine suna hai iss itwaar ki shaam tune 'freak out' nahee kiya! haaye allaah tune sacchee me nahee kiya?!" (Looks in horror)

"Haaye kya bataau !! iss nigodey Anwar ne mujhe dhoka de diya, naaspeeta ain wakt pe farzana ke saath nikal liya"

"Arey farzaana nahee, wo to farzaan ke saath nikla tha??"

"Hawww! matlab wo 'jaanu i miss u', 'i luv u' ke SMS wo bheja karta....." (looks in horror)

Well not exactly!! But they do what they do best and then post the saboot on their orkut albums and then they lock it. (Damn!). Anti-social networking, I say.

*Pause: this blogger pauses to try random JavaScript codes to unlock a potential juicy album*

Yeah Nowadays I am as free as the steel ka chamcha(spoon) that comes free with the brooke-bond chai-patti ka packet. Jhalli. Wait a minute, wasn't this true for last full one year. In my entire stint in my previous company, I just worked on one weekend, that too barely for five hours. The security guard at the gate would have coded more lines than yours truly. And in addition to that, I had stayed late in the office (till 9:30 pm) a total of 4 occasions, considering an average techie here, carries a kachhua chaap mosquito coil with him to the office each day and has a social life comparable to that of Osama bin laden.

3-4 years in the IT services industry leaves a college ka stud boy with a sex appeal of shibu soren and IQ of a masala dosa. All those techie bhaailogs reading this would agree. And expecting an onsite opportunity (Videsh jaane ka chance) in the very first year of your employment makes you look as innocent as Parthiv patel's paaltu khargosh.

And all these reasons coaxed me to switch locations where I would be earning more money to do the same job, checking scraps and exchanging notes on gtalk with friends/blog readers/editors/bots/gtalk_help.

And yeah meanwhile this happened...

Life’s relatively good, as good as being a ball boy in a Kournikova-Sharapova tennis match with salma hayek as the chair umpire, as good as watching India win three medals at the Olympics in our lifetime like the sight of halley’s comet. Life is smiling but then there are dreams, dreams to make it big. When, where and how big. The chronicle will always be at your disposal by the name :- Garambhejafry. :) and yeah this could well be the beginning.

Heppi frendsheep day!

2008-08-03T16:25:00.005+05:30

In future :-

"Aur bhai, sharma ji, Friendship day mubaarak ho!!"

"Ahha ! Aapko bhi bahut bahut mubaarak ho.. yaar hum kaafi der se aapka number try kar rahe the, friendship day ki shubhkaamna dene ke liye, busy aa raha tha jab se"

"Haanji kya bataau ab parv-tyohaar waale din to phone busy hi rehta hai, he he he"

"Aur bataaiye bhabhiji kaha hai, kya pakwaan ban rahe hai aaj?"

"Bhabhi ji baccho ko naye kapde dilaane le gayee hai...aur pakwaan ka kya hai, wahee gujiya aur dahee badey bane hai aaj"

"Haan yaar bhabhi ji se yaad aaya, humaari kaamwaali baai bhi nayee saaree maang rahee hai, friendship day naa ho gaya diwali ho gayee"

"Ye hai hi itna paawan din, aur haan shaam ko humne ghar par ek choti see pooja rakhi hai, Mrs aur baccho ko leke aaiyega"

"Jarur jarur..thoda ghar ke whitewash ka kaam bacha hai wo nipta ke pahuchenge"..

Scene 2 :

"hello..hello Aunty Tina ghar par hai !!"

"kaun??"

"Jee mai uska classmate Ramesh bol raha hu..aunty mujhe tina ko 'haippee fraandship day' wish karna tha"

"Accha achaa tum wahee ramesh ho jisne last year bhi friendship day ke din phone kiya tha?"

"haan aunty mai wahee (Abhaga) ramesh hoon"

"Beta lagta hai iss ek saal me tum kuch khaas progress nahee kar paaye, abhi tak sirf friendship ke liye hi fight maar rahe ho"

"Haan aunty *sighs* beech me Valentine's day bhi nikal gaya, lekin afsos"

"Dhyaan se beta, Raakhi bhi paas hi hai..kahee kuch apshagun naa ho jaaye"

"jarur jarur"

Haippee Fraandsheep day to aal of you barring a few (arey kyuki Valentine's day ka bhi tyohaar aane waala hai). Friendship day is the foundation for the house, to be built ,whose housewarming is scheduled six months later on the valentine's day and subsequent "hum 2 se 3 ho gaye moment" 9 months later on the children's day.

The irony is, your best of friends will never call you or message you on this day except for those assholes who vanished from your social radar completely after college. And then on one fine friendship day they suddenly blip on your cell phone's inbox. if suppose you call them up (condition holds only if the long lost friend is remotely feminine) and ask their whereabouts they take a deep breath and say "Ab kya bataau yaar.....maar rakhi hai". Those "work life imbalance crybabies".

Anyways, the concept of this very day - which the movie "kuch kuch hota hai" gave birth in to the minds of the youth (opportunist cum frustrated baayez)- gives every frustoo like moi a chance to break the ice-berg between any closest good looking object of the opposite sex and similar orientation. And as they say in the west "Happy friendship day, your place or mine?". Hum to phir bhi bahut peeche hai.

Aur ab humaari baari, I have settled down at my place of work. Free diet coke and sprite fountain at work certainly helps, throw in some dime-less cappuccino and i love this place. For kicks i am working on an application which is gonna replace the T9 dictionary you have in your phones (ab pucho ki ye T9 kya hai..message karne time kaam aata hai).

And yeah i have youtube running on my office PC and so blogging takes a back seat and safely makes love with my CAT preps (which is also on the back seat by the way) while the chauffeur (meri naukri) drives them through. But i am sure if i devote the amount of time that Salman khan takes to read "Ab hum khelenge dus ka dam", i may crack something.

In a relatively high paying job like this(and i repeat - relatively), the employer as well as the employee, both pay a price. :) The employer takes care of my pay-cheque and i take care of the "Time cheque" -which i issue to my employer ( its the number of minutes of my day time which i fill in the cheques with, to "pay the price".)

In future, the seniors say, i may have to issue blank cheques as well to my employers, you know what i mean. and they'll say you are learning.Hmpff.

"Ab kya bataau yaar.....maar rakhi hai" ;)

Lets hope the honeymoon period i am enjoying currently with my employer, continues at least till the next Valentine's day, so that i can outsmart Ramesh once again. *wink wink wink....*

I have quit!

2008-07-01T16:52:00.003+05:30

Yes, i have shifted loyalties. My current employer has treated me well enough to coax me to look for greener pastures. (reaching where i'll look for (more) greener pastures). This is what i call the "Mad cow disease". You always look for greener pastures to graze on (and drop your load) and then later ruminate or may be "rue"-minate. The blogging hiatus was the immediate manifestation. And not to mention my manager and this blog suffered equally. Lekin kya kare ab to chidiya udd gayee!

I'll keep this post short and sweet ( that's how i used to describe my ex *sigh*).

***MATURE CONTENT***

Some days back one of my moronic friends sent me a text which read like "Porno spoofs on hollywood blockbusters :-

" 1. Saving private ryan -> 'Shaving private ryan' or 'shaving ryan's privates'.

2. You've got mail -> You've got male...genitalia.
"

The moron inside me got inspired.... and i replied him back with an array or should i say a festival of movie names.

3. The fantastic four :- The fantastic whore.

4. Ex-men. (A movie on transvestites).

5. 300 -> Three (hundred) some.

6. Lord of the g-strings.

7. Hairy Daughter and the neighborhood bastard. (harry potter waali koi bhi movie)

8. A beautiful mind -> A beautiful behind.

9. When Harry mate(s) sally.

Lets c how many you can add to the list.... kripya offendiaaye nahee!!

And i promise to post a big one here once i am done with my joining formalities and guess what i got a 150% hike. ;)

Calm-sutra!

2008-05-21T16:04:00.005+05:30

Starting with an absolute cliché' which goes like- I am back. And guess what was the reason for my absence - IPL - yeah you guessed it right - "Inevitable perennial Laziness".

My life nowadays is as calm as the calm (kaam) waali baai who hasn't been paid for the last 2 months. Yeah it has been chaotic. Just the other day when I put up a status msg on gtalk which read like "Everybody is gonna die with their orkut passwords!!". Ek jarurat se jyada bichhda hua dost pinged me and said "bhaai tu ek post likh de ab!!. Tera frustration door ho jaayega" and so here I am ranting like any other "work-life" balance ke maare bhaailog. Work is as hectic as looking for antonyms of the word 'hectic'. But then as always I adhere to the mantra (calm-sutra) given to me by the visionary ascetic, Baba ramdev masala! :- "Chill maar watsa!!". And since then aisee pratha chali aa rahee hai.

After a day's work when I step inside my room, mera roomie (another techie & sardar) gets ecstatic and says "Oye paappe! aaj to Sehwag bangalore ki M** ***** raha hai. * insert cackle*".

The noise inside the room is like, as if 6 punju aunties discussing jewelry and their in laws inside a Maruti 800 and you are the driver. (Reader: Oye 6 punju auntiyo ko maruti me ghusa diya to tu kahaan baithega?? )

Arey miya hum koi anti kirket sangathan ke sadasya/member nahee hai, phir bhi yaar roz roz wahee chauke and chhakke and kuch chakke(banaglore waale? :p). Ab to cheerleaders ko bhi kapde pehna diye. hadd ho gayee!

And yeah I confess I went for the inaugural match at the Chinnaswamy stadium here in bangalore. haan munna asli isshtadium me!!. All of us were really pumped up. I had called my duur ke jaunpur waale chacha and kanpur ki mausi too as to "TV pe dekhte rehna , palak bhi jhapakne naa paaye, aaj hum TV me aayenge". I had enuf arsenal to lure the camerawaalahs into grabbing a shot or two. The match was between KKR and the Royal challengers.

We were supporting our namma Bangalooru team, but eventually our loyalities/gaze/binoculars shifted to the real leaders (lead india campaign kyu nahee khoj paya inhe!), yep the cheer-leaders.

I had prepared banners which read like :-

1) Pack 'em Knight Riders to their 'Home shanty Home'.

2) His name is Royal Dravid.

3) Its a no fly-zone over the stadium when dada is playin', coz he might knock down a few.

4) Commit all your crimes while Dravid is batting, coz even the god has slept waiting for him to score. {Haan bhai ye wala banner nahee le gaya tha, Ikbaaliya zurm}

5) Thank you Set Max :D. {Achook ilaaz TV pe naa aane ki bimaari ka}

6) Ask the cheerleaders "kya aap paanchvi pass se tez hai?"

Yeah as you can see, I had banners for all the possible outcomes. But still my 15 nanoseconds of fame on the idiot box never materialized, thanks to Brendon McCullum and his 13 sixes and the other 11. (phir se wahee joke maara).

Kuch snippets of news (aise hi post ko lamba karne ke liye *hew hew*) :- (GBF reporter is on a vacation)

1) As you know Salman is hosting a show named "10 ka dum" where he promises to pay 10 crores for answering 5 questions, where every question will be based on some random "PyerSentayhge" (Shirt utaari, ab accent ki utaarunga). When you see the promos of the show which are on air, you wish the director to be lynched by a Bihari mob.

2) Ness wadia, the co-owner of the Punjab Kings XI was reportedly happy when his team was mauled by the Mumbai Indians, as none of the players got a chance to get cozy with his fiancée, when on a day they post a victory, even the curator of the pitch makes it a point not to disappoint Preity and let her clasp him tight.

3) Harbhajan Singh, the slappy-happy sardar, has been denied entry into the "Gelf" countries, for obvious reasons.

4) The reported absence of VVS Laxman and the Previous laxman (Laxman Sivaramakrishnan :- the pitch reporter) from IPL is bothering nobody, may be coz I have written it here you would realize the fact.
4.1) The pre match analysis is nowadays hosted by the kind of boys you find in a toothpaste commercial, desperately trying not to look dumb on camera.
4.2) During the post match presentation ceremony most of the Indian/Pakistani players use the age old adage often uttered by the legendary Mohammad bin azharuddin, "baayez(boys) have played well !!"

chalo dudes and dudiyaas! it's time to say buy buy! And do remember the calm-sutra or the formula to remain calm: - “Chill maar watsa”.

Reporterrrr!!

2008-04-02T16:43:00.007+05:30

Heyaa ! GBF reporter is back again! Garambhejafry nearly felt the heat of the looming recession, as the in-house GBF reporter was planning to switch his loyalties to Aaj tak, and I don't blame him. A job that sucks more than Suck-ti kapoor (i know this pun sucks! :P), pays money equal to the signing amount of Tushar kapoor's body double, assignments that involve interviewing the super elite like the second cousins of Venkatesh prasad (Oye reader ab hasne ke paise lega kya..daant dikha de...bahut der se muh me laddu leke baitha hai!! ) the GBF reporter has a well justified reason to hang his keyboard. (Ab boots to hang karega nahee)

GBF reporter recently sneaked into the Lakme fashion week masquerading as some Hispanic journalist from some French fashion magazine. The GBF reporter was sitting up close in the very first row (which he says is the “stRing” side view), gazing North West and seriously hoping for a chain reaction of wardrobe malfunctions to take place. (Obviously I didn’t reimburse his traveling expenses to the fashion show).

He can be gross, The GBF reporter I tell you, he was once seen chasing a half-naked Shakti kapoor on some Goan beach late night who was crying and running for his gay-virginity.(naya word note kar le!!). You could see the angst in the lustful eyes of the GBF reporter while he was charging ahead clutching the pants of SRK (Shakti *rapi$t* kapoor). Eventually the Gbf reporter was traced by a trail of drool he left behind, which was too viscous for even the waves to wash off.

He can be a beast at times.

But he's a nice guy, and has shown reasonable interest towards his work (?). (Bhai tere ko to pata hoga ki brackets ke andar question mark lagaane ka matlab kya hai yaa phir aise hi padhe jaa raha hai? :-/ )

There he was near the ramp, evaluating the aesthetics and the style quotient of the designs on display. He reported the presence of a galaxy of stars there, model turned actors (?), actor turned (dummy) models, ramp to camp wannabes (Raamu, Kjo, yashraj camps blah!), hot female journalists from 24x7 english news channels (as reported by Mr. GBF reporter), and bhenji reporters from Aaj tak( who has to host a half an hour special news report titled "Khabardar ho jaao khali" after she returns to her studio). Page 3 in flesh and bones, Highnosed socialites referring to the designers by their first name as if those Fashion designers are their domestic help. sample this : "Vikram's collection was okayish, while Manish surprised me this time with the bold cuts". "Rohit dukaan se ek packet parle-G biscuit le aa” blah!

If you look closely you can see the GBF reporter ( 2nd from the right) having a perverted look on his half visible face

And in some other news, an investigative journalism feat which deserves a Pulitzer for sure was carried out by the "aapko rakhe aage" team at Star news. PETA have communicated their appreciation for the same. Have a look yourself.

"Breaking news: Commisioner ka kutta mila"

And our very own 'sick's pack' waale SRK dada (kolkata waale ho gaye) was busy unveiling his knight riders and throwing this uncomfortable and intriguing question before the general public. "Kya aap paanchvi pass se tez hai". I am sure if the question was "Kya aap paanchvi pass hai??" then more than half of the country would have answered in affirmative. (Do taali for the first kaam ki baat on this post.) And hereby I assume that the people reading this blog would have completed their primary schooling just as SRK has barely done. (Arey darde-disco brigade bura mat maano SRK here means Shakti kapoor.. *Quick twist* hihi and non SRK fans jo samjhna hai samajh lo :p!).

The author of this blog too tried to prove it to the world that he's smarter than a fifth grader and has an IQ comparable to a cauliflower's or may be Riya sen’s. (Rumor goes that Riya sen once entered an IQ contest where she had to fight it out with four cabbages, three lamp posts, a postbox and Tushar kapoor, the competition was fierce but still she managed a podium finish, not to mention that the postbox was the gold medalist).

Then accidentally the guys at the “paanchvi pass” team somehow traced this blog and barred the author and the readers of this blog to enter the contest. And you ask why?? ye sawaal tum usse jaake pucho jisne mere haanth err blog pe ye likh diya ki ..

I heard some pedophiles queued up for an entry to the audition room. They thought they would have to confront a real life fifth grader, but instead they had to put up with a ____ fifth grader. Fill in the blanks apni samajh se bhaai log.

"Poore paanch saal aur bore karunga"

Chalo bhai it izz time to say Good baai. Yeah she has been good, washing clothes and cleaning the floor or may be cleaning the floor with my clothes. Jaisa bhi hai long live commisioner ka kutta. And by any chance if you see a person running for his life on some goan beach late night, jaan bacha ke bhaag lo, GBF reporter aaya.

Holi Hai..err thi!!

2008-03-24T16:44:00.009+05:30

"Pehchaan kaun!!"

I don't know what this post is gonna be about, I even don't know what words I am gonna throw up in the very next sentence. It might happen that these lines may never get posted but I have this congenital attitude which can be best described in 3 1/2 words-

"Hata saawan ki ghata"

( 3 1/2 words me aur bhi kaafi saari feelings express ki jaa sakti hai. SyMonks err Symonds ko pata hai)..Bhai bade din ho gaye keyboard par ungliyo ko dance karaaye. So here goes my new (financial) year resolution, Every Sunday this space is gonna be updated with anything that crosses my mind. Oops "Anything 'crossed' with my Mind"= 'Taare zameen par protagonist'.

All those people who understood the pun in the previous sentence and smiled, thank you very much!! You do belong to the 'taare zameen par' category, coz even I don't have any damn clue what that equation is supposed to mean. hehe. Never mind Yeah you’ve guessed it right. I was high on Bhaang this holi and the 'Bhang-over' hasn't died down yet.

(Pause for a bit of self appreciation: Hmmm good word that "Bhangover")

Holi was fun. The fact that there's no KNS (Karnataka navnirman sena/sadists) here in Bangalore, we celebrated holi peacefully (?). Reluctant friends were dragged/pulled out of their beds/toilets/cupboards/commodes and were tied and generously dyed pitch black. Add a coating of export quality mud. Some of them decided to voice their reluctance when they were face massaged; alas those guys were rightfully rendered with their teeth bearing the same color as their gums. Lot of fingering made this possible.(:O)

We all looked like distant cousins of Vinod kambli after a kabaddi match.

As we were roaming the streets, a sissy riding pillion on a random bike, all decked up, not a speck of color on his face, whizzed past us and as he did, he squeaked "Holi hai!!” I shouted out mocking disbelief "Holi??? aisaa kyaa? ohh shitt!!! aaj to holi hai! pata hi nahee chala" then a barrage of refined hand-picked expletives thickened the air. On the day of holi, moving about as if it’s the diwali day is an outright sin. Holi is the festival when the 'colored' people are the celebrated ones. Are u listening uncle sam!.

And time for some Holi snippets that make it what it is:-

"Rang barse / holi khele raghubeera.." playing for the 78th time,
Having a large helping of Gulaal as your breakfast,
Buckets of water splashed around with the miserly owner just emptying a single sachet of color into it,
The thrill of kiddos to color those grumpy uncles who acted as pure bitches (read your boss) the whole year by not returning the cricket balls that were hit into their lawns/balconies/porches,
Bald uncles cackling loudly , high on bhang/daaru,
Irritating little morons hurling water balloons right at your face and scurrying off clutching their cheap water pistols,
Newbie and hence excited junior newsreaders made to read the news on 24X7 news channels while the senior news readers/journalists have a blast at their respective homes/holi parties,

The grand bath where the operation discoloration takes place, with ideas ranging from-

Spending the afternoon inside the washing machine holding a 2 Kg surf excel ka packet ,
To allow your house maid/kaamwaali to clean you up coz she is universally renowned for discoloring the fabrics she washes. Bhai tagda record hai uska. Hai ki nahee.
Chupchaap Saabun lagaao aur kya!! Aur Kitne tareeke chahiye bey.

Phewhh!! ab aapki baari Howaz your holi, and what's your new financial year's resolution! Bataao India/overseas bataao!

Ye hai meri kahani!

2008-03-11T16:58:00.005+05:30

Helloooz!! This morning when I was waiting for the company bus at the bus stop, I saw a kid in his school uniform, holding on to an NCERT history textbook mugging up some historical dates (one smartass reader : "Ab geographical dates kya hoti hai be?") scribbled on the back of his book. Exam season hai bhai! i thought. When i looked closely I could read one of the side headings as "When was the last time Garmabhejafry posted something on his blog?". I swallowed a lump in my throat. And when i read the answer I swallowed not just a lump, but a lamp-post. The date was 11th march. *Ahem Ahem* The kiddo was no ishaan awasthi aur hum bhi koi aamir khan nahee.. So we two mutually and silently agreed to leave each other at their own fate.

While the kid was busy with history I was more interested in the surrounding geography. There were some giggly HR girls huddled up nearby, wearing lipstick with enough wax to suffice for waxing off two Jacky shroffs and three anil kapoors. They were probably discussing strategies to make the life of us techies more miserable. (Any HR girls reading this blog by any chance, do add me on gtalk *hew hew* we can settle our issues there *ahem* in private)

And there were a few uptight men, wearing collared t shirts neatly tucked into their starched blue jeans, sucking their paunches in as an evasive action to even a whiff of femininity around. Needless to say they were fellow techies, wearing assorted ID's around their necks belonging to respective dollar hIT companies. Each one of them nourishes a dream inside, of that fateful day when they get a chance to leave shores or may be flaunt their scores (CAT waale). Brownish newspapers rolled under their armpits, cheap and thus heavy laptops taking a toll on their shoulders, manager's (f)ire in their belly and the traffic which moves slower than a parking lot, to boot. Add the daemons of variable pay haunting them each month-end, which they feel is anyday better than the slim pay slip growing to the 'pink' of its health. No wonder more than 2/3rds of the resignation letters are drafted on the back of payslips. And such is the irony that the word they fear the most is: - 'release', an oxymoron in itself. (‘Code release’ for the uninitiated, ab is information ne tere andar kya kya initiate kiya wo apun ko nahee pata.)

Finally the bus did arrive, only to get coagulated in the viscous sea of vehicles a few paces ahead. (Reader: Oye, Raat ko Rapidex ke upar sir rakh ke sota hai kya aajkal ). Nahee bhaailogz and behenjeez, English ke paapi bichhuye ne humey humaari client ki meherbaani se kaata hai, aur hum bhi kaam ke maare ho gaye hai. Garambhejafry sadly needs a 2-3 weeks stint inside a Microwave oven. And like everybody else, i am preparing for CAT.

Recently one of my friends asked me "So howz the prep coming along??". I shrugged it off with a statement which went like.
"My Astrologer is taking care of my Verbal Ability section while i prepare for the other two"

Agli baar 'types of lovers' pesh karunga GBF dissection ka label lagaa ke. Maal tayyar hai, serve karne ko 'time' ke bartan nahee hai. :) Aur haan ek achee khabar. ek aur article publish ho gaya humaara. Paisa bhi mila, which i'll share with only those HR girls who'll share there Gtalk ids with me. Human resourcing your see. :)

Humraa Article JAM magazine waalo ki duaa se

Enter the GBF reporter!!

2008-01-17T16:42:00.001+05:30

Hii!! A bhery Guud Mauning to all thee pippal reeding this bilaag!! (and u say ki u have finally some evidence that I injured my head last month!). The GBF reporter is back after a much celebrated and long hiatus to your chag'rin' supreme.

The reporter is all nostalgic about the T-20 world cup, those giggly and at times sultry dreams clad in cargoes and tank tops, their skilled err..otic pelvic thrusts delivered to the living room well appreciated by both Jaccha-Baccha (parents and children), Barrels of Drool, Aahhh and yeah there was this one batsman..what was his name? umm ....yeah ...was it 'yuvraj paadukone'? umm ..may be ... who attempted to entertain us as well.

The GBF reporter has recently noted that Salman khan has been "tussauded" (wax statue unveiled at madame tussauds) and the Bollywood directors are in a state of dilemma as to who's the better actor of the two. Already few producers have approached the 'waxed salman' staue with hefty signing amounts. They believe that under the hot scorching sun the wax statue could give any actor a run for their black money with those lively and 'moving' facial expressions. Salman is up for some stiff competition. Phewh!

"Kahee katrina ko ye naa pata le!! bada saxy.. oops i mean waxy hai ye"

I have heard Riya sen is also gonna be tussauded but instead she has decided to stand there 8 hrs daily, masquerading as the wax statue. "This girl has some serious talent" says the manager of the museum. Anyways she says she's looking for some good scripts, and she won't compromise on that notion. Recently she has signed a movie in which she will be playing the postbox, quite a demanding role it is, she says and the Madame tussads experience will come in handy.

"Haaye rabba! kiska haanth hai ye"

The other important piece of news coming in, is that the TATAs have launched the NANO - the much awaited 1 lakh car. After the 1-lakh-maintanence/year car INDICA, they have moved on and launched the nano , which promises to be the Cab-waalahs delight, They are really excited as they have learnt that it has 21% more space than Maruti 800, and so they have more space to pull off 'those' (pronounced like 'thooooose' with raised eyebrows and a cheap smile) maneuvers and stunts with the night shift waali female BPO staff. Ab samajh jaao uncle! Ab live telecast dikhau kya??

Moreover it has been reported that the car can clock a maximum speed of 90 kmph. People here in bangalore say "K.O" to that.and you ask "Wtf K.O.??" arey bhai knock that 'K Out' from that 'kmph'. 90 metres per hour is a luxury here. Tere ko kya lagta hai jhooth bol raha hu?? Beta kabhi bangalore aaiyo. Station se mere ghar tak pahuchne me hi tere vacations khatam ho jaayenge!!

"Ab mai kya bolu!! car hoon insaan thode hi hoo"

Deepika paadukone was initially high on MSD but then Yuv razz matazz happened and ‘honi se ho gayee anhoni, aur bevkoof ban gaya dhoni’. Aur 7 up peeta reh beta. GBF reporter was appalled at the sheer state of 'affairs' which involved DPka padukone. or was it pad-kone or padded cone. I leave it to your imagination.

Deepika (while gritting his teeth) : "Oye shakal theek kar, aisa lag raha hai table ke neeche kuch ho raha hai"

Yuvi : Arey bada mazaa aa raha hai hewhewhew..lagda hai mainu chadh gayee hai..oye dhoni meri taang me gudgudi kyu kar raha hai be...hehehek nikal bahar table se"

"Uff ye bedard zamaana aur ye tanhaai..dost dost naa raha..saale yuvraj teri monkey, wapas aa beta batata hoon"

And then last but not the Beast- Andrew Symonds. Who incidentally is pretty disgusted with Vijay mallya. And u ask why Vijay mallya?. Recently reports of Vijay mallya entering the F1 circuit hit the headlines, and so Symonds has nourished a notion that Vijay mallya is encouraging 'racism'. Fair thought though. Symos is ‘fishing’ for the ‘king’. (of good times). Our inside sources tell us that Symonds hands over the 'keys' of his locker to his captain each 'Mon’day. God knows why!

So this was the week's wrap up from your very own underpaid GBF reporter. The hit count has crossed 30,000. I yumm happy. Comment bhi kar dena nahee to 'teri monkey...'! hehe!! byeee!

Space bar!

2008-01-10T12:11:00.000+05:30

Happy birthday to all *hic* ....or was it the new year!! .Hang *stayed* over. Someone asked me how merry was your Christmas, I replied ki "Yaar jitni merry Christmas utni teri bhi Christmas". Equality u see.

On the christmas eve my jarurat se bhi jyada techie friend came back from office with a release-date-near-hai-bhai look on his face. He crash landed on the chair and was about to relieve him of his shoes. Just as he was about to untie his shoelaces he looked up, raised his eyebrows, and I got the hint ( May day! May day!) and I pulled the quilt over my head in a flash. We don't buy All-out and other mosquito repellents for obvious reasons.

He peeled the soggy socks of his calf and then gagged his shoes with them. God help those shoes. And before anybody could figure it out he hung those very socks anticipating Hohoho Santa to stuff his WMD (Without months of Dhulaai/Weapons of mass destruction) socks with I-phones and pen-drives filled with porn. In the morning instead of the gifts, we found two assorted Santas lying unconscious on the floor of our apartment, probably asphyxiated. Sad!

Events as strange and as rare as road rollers performing wheelies and double century Indian opening stands in Strayya (Australia) - dotted the week going into the new year's eve.

On the Boxing night (26th dec) i was tapping away keys in my cubicle to put together a piece of code that could perform some kind of desired Sh**t. When I was done, it was already 7:50 pm. The buses were scheduled to depart at 8:30, and so I had some 40 minutes to test the code. It takes nearly 20 minutes to test the code as the servers are situated in Canada. And so 22 long drawn yawns later, to my utter shock I found the test results negative.

"Iski param pujya maataji ki…" I exclaimed.

The time was 8:15. Another 15 minutes left. Absolutely no time for parsing through the code and let the 'Kannada' client machine negotiate with the 'Canada server' for a green test result. Wo kya bolte hai angrezi me "pissed off". I decided to stay on and complete the job and the give the bus a miss, (Are u reading boss?). With a hurt ego well communicated by that beeped stress buster I rummaged through the code and good lord what did I find?? I forgot to insert a space between two keywords in the code snippet, and that caused the test to do an "Ishaan awasthi" (prior to aamir's entry).

I tested it again and 'Bingo!' The test ki murgi 'lays' a green egg. Sadly the time was 8:50 and all the buses had ‘left at the right’ time.

(Un)Luckily My team mate had also stayed back trying to learn Portuguese by reading the photo-captions of tanned brazillian ladies on orkut. Skill set addition he says.

He’s a compulsive biker and he offered me a hitch hike to my PG not before making me learn a few Portuguese phrases well illustrated with adjoining pics. He calls it a pictionary.

On a night which was as black as godrej ki kaali mehendi, two guys were burning rubber on the Hosur road ( A parking lot that leads to my home on my way back from office!).
He was riding the bike and I was weathering the chilling wind perched on the pillion seat, hero heeralal style. We were accompanied by a senior team-mate who was on his enfield.

Just as we were halfway through, an eicher van (mini lorry) hit us from behind at a speed which will make Narayen karthikeyan look like a non-‘racist’. We were badly hit. I was tossed in the air and by the time I could shout out any expletives I found myself rolling on the road with the headlights of the incoming vehicles blinding me. My cellphone aah! That was the last I saw of it.

All my notes, all ad scripts which I stored, short stories, ideas, post themes and what not (bhaai poore 2 litre ki bottle thi creative juice se bhari huyee, jo maine apne cellphone ke fridge me rakhi thi) , shattered to bits and bytes right before my eyes. *sigh*

(readers se kripya namra nivedan hai (polite request) ki mere cellphone ki durghatna me mrityu par 5 second ka maun vrat rakhe (observe a silence for 5 seconds). Wo cellphone jisne iss blog ko 80 posts diye hai. *sniff*)

After I rolled on the road nearly 10-15 times I got up immediately to save whatever bone, skin and flesh I was left with, from the incoming vehicles. My shirt was in tatters, if it hadn’t been for the fresh bruises and gashes peeping out of the tore portions, I could have stood a chance to gather some chawannis and atthannies.

I looked around for my friend.

Then what I saw froze my blood. Our bike was being dragged by that lorry on the road for nearly 100mts. I couldn’t see my friend. Then he emerged from the ruins on his feet. He was looking absolutely dazed. He was accompanying the bike for the 1st 10 mts and then he was thrown aside. I shouted at him "Any Head injuries??". Silence. He was staring into the oblivion. He replied after a pause "No!".

But I had sustained one. I was trying to concentrate on every minute detail I could, in my vicinity so that I shouldn’t pass out. These head injuries are like ticking time bombs. And I HAD some unlucky friends.

We were rushed to the hospital immediately. I could still walk. None of my bones and joints betrayed me. People who were a witness to the accident, said they thought it was all over. Such was the veracity.
The doctors there at the hospital reassured me that the head injury wasn’t that grave I believed it to be. No scans were needed they said. I called the senior doctor "Aap bataao uncle! Ye fresher doctor colg me kitni padhaai karte hai mere ko pata hai..". He reassured me with a quick check up and a smile "Don’t worry!!"

And the bheja is still garam!! :) Come to think of it it all happened coz of a SPACE missed.

P.S. : My friend is recuperating at his home. He was discharged from the hospital 4 days later.
P.P.S.: And I am posting this piece from my office, iska matlab apun changa hai.

Time Pass!!

2007-12-30T13:58:00.000+05:30

These are some of the status msgs i wrote for my gtalk IM in the past few months. No copyright issues, feel free to churaa-ing them, if you think they are worth. Imagine these lines below your name on your Gtalk main window.

# 'Backspace' is the only key which reminds you that you can come up with something better, but keys conspire , mediocrity is what they desire and hence this status msg.

# What do u call a harry potter 'spell' which goes wrong??

Ans: A Typo

# Why is 'HIMESH' correct instead of 'himesh'?

Ans: HIMESH is with caps on.

# 'Donut' worry Be-er happy!!

# All those people here with solid red dots against their names, Are you really busy?? come join the "Green revolution".

# Your Boss is like your toothbrush, he interacts with you for 5 minutes in the morning, doesn't let you speak in the meantime, sugar coated he is and you grit your teeth while he brushes you
up!!

# (Not) Drinking is strictly prohibited in Pub-lic (Pub-like) places. :P

# Har aadmi ke hote hai do mouth, ek to hota hai north aur ek uske south!!

# If my status msgs annoy you then let me tell you, i enjoy a 'status' here and i have got a 'msg'(%$#%@) for you.

# Jab we MATE!!

# Show the current music track-- dikha raha hu bhai..pappu chauraahe se daud ke cassette to le aa!!

# Ba Ba Black *Beep* !! :P { when i put up my profile pic with a mean look, clad in a black shirt:p}

# Up, Up and Awayyy!! {usually my status msg when i am away}

# Blah-sphemy! {self explanatory word}

# Friday owes its charm to a sweaty Monday morning!

# Don't drink and derive, you might crash into some premature conclusions!!

# Yahoo messenger zindabaad!! :P {aiwaiii :D }

# Be a patriot, Spend your new year's eve with Doordarshan, do tell me how it was :p !!

# A 'traitor' translates to a 'cosmopolitan' when you look up a euphemist's dictionary!!

# This person tried hard to put up a real smart-ass status msg but terribly failed to do so.

# Virginity is like your blog readers, eventually you gonna lose them.

Phewhh!! and heyy!! A very yappy new year to all!! :)

A tribute..

2007-12-24T19:01:00.000+05:30

I present before you this song which i wrote as a tribute to this experience named "Taare zameen par". The tune which was playing in my mind while i wrote this song was of "Kholo kholo darwaaje" from the same movie. No humor this time folks.

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Taare zameen par!!

Khidki se jo aayee
jharne me nahayee,
ye geeli-geeli see hawa hai aayee dekho,
dhoop ko dhakelti ye,
pardon se khelti ye,
aankhe meenche meenche bhaagi chali aayee dekho !!

Pedo me fasee thi kahee,
zulfon me uljhi si kahee,
hatheli par bitha ke panchhiyo ko laayi dekho,
kaise dagmagaati,
pedo se ye takraati,
yu girti giraati, maano desi hai chadhaai dekho,

Zindagi bhi hai ek jhonka ,
tumne hai usey roka,
kholo-kholo saare darwaaje,
thoda-thoda saa muskura ke
saare apne chehre sajaake,
zindagi haseen hai, isey dekho
zara paas bithaa ke!

Aasmaan me jo hai taare,
jagte hai raato ko saare,
tim-timaate khil-khilaate,
tumhe khojne wo aate,
karvat badal ke dekho, khidki ke bahar aaye saare!!

Chaand akela rehta hai,
tumse wo roz kehta hai ki
Mutthi me chaandni bharke,
mal do gaalon par sabhike,
jaldi jaldi karo kahee
neend ke baadalo ke peeche, chaand kho naa jaaye dekho!!

Tum bhi chalo,
mai bhi chalu,
laaye khoj ke wo humaare,
bachpan ke din wo pyaare.
jebo me bhar , hatheliyo par.
wo andhere se darr,
wo maths wala sir,
wo sardi bukhar,
phir maa ka dulaar,

Aisee kitni hai yaadein,
geeli-geeli see hai baatein.
Ye jo hai hawa chaand aur taare.
humse roz kehke jaate saare

"Door mat jaa kahee,
dekh dil ke panne palat kar
mil jaayenge chamakte tujhe
wo jo hai 'taare zameen par'!! "

Dedicated to the kid in each one of us....

Flexing my literary 'grey' muscles!!

2007-12-06T10:54:00.001+05:30

Aliens

“We are not ALONE !!!” she was ecstatic as every single person on the planet was today...

“Yep!! But we never gonna see them, it’ll take eons to reach ‘em” i retorted.

“In that case , we'll wait for THEM to reach us !!” she beamed.

"heh!" smirked I.

After a million years of solitary existence, Now we know we are not alone. Our equipments intercepted some signals from outer space, which showed some intelligent patterns. That was enough for the world to go tizzy. Extra terrestrial life does exist damnit!. But the planet was located in some distant galaxy well beyond our reach for us to breach.

“..Umm ..by the way, How they have named it…i mean the new planet “ She was curious.

“Well...After translating the gathered signals to phonetics...umm….. they call it…’Earrth’…..weird name isn’t it”

“Weird it IS !!”

LIFE...

The sea always enchanted me…the unending wide sheet of blue water creased by the waves and life…fastened to the clouds at the other end…
The golden sand , the fuzzy foam stitched at the ends of the waves , and the ‘keep’ of the sea ..Sun..spending each night in it’s mighty embrace… I loved ‘em all…It was near the sea where I grew up…frolicked around…lived a LIFE

But now things have not been the same for the last three months. Many of our neighbors started to disappear suspiciously…most of them were last seen in the sea ppl say…but How can a sea as serene as this , engulf it’s own children ; that was my point…Our family moved to some other beach side locality as several others did…The ones who disappeared never returned to tell their tale…

I continued to play with the waves and smell the sand…..

Now I know where all those neighbors ended up , As I recollect these golden memories being caught in a net myself. I’ll also be served dead on a platter with spices in some oriental restaurant.

Life’s not too good being a crab , seriously.

Experience

‘Twas around midnight…a moonlit night bustling with activity…. it's the big apple…New York…

I waited there on the sidewalk.

A petite girl in her late teens was standing beside me , wearing an outfit revealing her near to perfect assets…curves to die for…

A biker halted near the sidewalk…hurled a 50 dollar bill at the girl…the girl smiled…and they rode along..

I was still waiting….

And a few moments later a limo screech stopped near the sidewalk …I reapplied my mascara…lifted my bosom…Limo’s window rolled down…

There he was my client for the night.

He called me in…And I obliged…

“Foolish girl !!” I said. Experience counts…isn't it??

The Gr8 Indian Train Journey!!

2007-11-29T00:56:00.001+05:30

The Archeological survey of india has written to me regarding the writings on this blog which will soon be declared as ancient scriptures and would be kept inside glass cases stacked up for display in random museums with japanese tourists going wild fujifilming and nikoning it. Haan miyaa!! bhelcome once again to the same old adda, where you spilled your giggles and always saved your words miserly without even caring to spend them on my comment page , but you did contribute to the hitcount of this blog which is set to hit the 28K mark soon isiliye thankooz!!.

(Wink wink : adsense meter whirring!!)

So without much further ado and 'undo' i should go about justifying the title of this post which is as amusing as listening to the 'Mr Beans show' on the radio.
The Sleeper class me baithne waali junta can be "Danish-kaneria-ke-gaalo-se-bhi-jyaada-rough-ly" classified into :-

1) H2H2 - hum do humaare do families:- The ideal nuclear family which nukes your peace of mind inside the compartment if you happen to share the same. Imagine yourself sitting on the window seat cool-ly flipping through pages of a random "feel-good" magazine with your tired legs stretched on the berth, a gentle breeze running through your hair, with all your li'l luggage already chained you think about your hometown, friends and family back home.Aah absolute bliss. then suddenly :-

"O bhaai saab!! aapka seat number kaun saa hai??" A middle aged person farts on your face. Following him is his family with two wailing chunnu munnus and their clumsy mommy bearing a "disaster management look" on her face.

You try your best to sound polite "Bhaai saab 17 number seat meri hai, khidki waali "

"Paaaapppppaa mekko window waali seat chahiyyyyye!! uwaaaaa....!! mekko chahiiiyeee..." chunnu bursts out..

"Abhi dilaate hai betaa...,Eskooj me bhaaisab baache ke liye thoda adjust kar lijiye!!" and you look at the li'l moron(chunnu) while gritting your teeth and then u think of those condom commercials issued in public interest. You wish some sanity had prevailed. bah!

Then comes the "luggage management" part. The family seems to have brought their town's luggage, some reputed oriya hurricanes to be blamed. And they try to squeeze it all thru the space below the lower berth. Your pyaara sa airbag looks like parthiv patel sharing a stool to sit with andrew symonds.

Himesh reshammiya and compart me familiyaa unbearable hai dost!!

There will be at least an army of relatives on the platform who would have come to see off their "banaras waale chacha" and "Kanpur waali mausi". And when you get to know that one such mausi(who's incidentally sharing the same compartment as yours) has just spilled some fresh achaar (pickle) on your snazzy airbag, its just too late. "F-16 to F-22 wala" dreams bedamned.

And when the T.T. arrives with his beachball-belly preceeding him, his coat buttons discuss among themselves "haaye!! Hum Berozgaar button. :( !!".

The TT in a grim voice blares "Haan vaiii!! ticket dikhaao!!"

Now at this point of time chunnu ki mummy is seen frantically searching for the ticket in her purse to no avail. Hubby dear is impatient "Pachaas baar kaha hai nikalne se pehle ticket samhaal ke rakha karo, Mr. bajaj laake dega kya tkt!! "

Searching for the railway ticket in her purse is as difficult as searching for rajpal yadav in the grand canyons. After some 10 minutes of mining into the purse she fishes out the ticket which is stuck to the soap paper with the PNR number imprinted on the "jab zor se ho aai, aur saabun naa de dikhaai, then instant haath ki safaai" waala paper.

TT baabu is used to this, so he shows no signs of disgust and goes about asking other victims in the compartment for the tickets, including you. And when the train halts at some random station its the (stone) age old tradition for the the daddyji to fill every empty thing in the compartment with the "shuddh and sheetal jal" which you get on the platforms. He disappears with the empty bottles in the mileu and after a while when its time for the train to depart, the mummyji again with the same disaster management look on her face exclaims " Kahaa chale gaye paani laane!! abhi tak nahee laaye!!" you have to fulfill the moral obligation to comfort her by saying "Aa jaayenge!! ab paani lene bisleri ke bottling plant thode hi gaye honge!!".

Her hubby after out muscling and out-swearing (naya word note kar le!!) the other uncles at the water cooler, comes out all smiles with two half filled bottles under his arm pits and a torn sleeve plus the buttons of his shirt in his hands. Fair deal !! (Torn sleeve kisi aur ke shirt ki hai bhaai!! :P).

2) CKC - college ka chhokraas :- If by any chance you are travelling alone and you happen to find these chhokraas in your compartment, then you are sure to have an awesome time during the journey, but if by sheer misfortune you are with your family then your situation would be like of that uncle who took his chunnu munnus and missus accompanied by their dhaarmic dada-daadi to a theater to watch the movie "Jab we met" and they accidently enter the screen playing "Jab we MATE". Chunnu munnu couldn't hide their elation.

Yeah these colg dudes can be gross. An average engineering student's lingo can give any sailor a run or may i say sail for their money. Every sentence they utter is sandwiched between words which u utter each time you hear the actual figure of your boss' salary.

Once the brats are done with chaining their luggage and "sutta" they are set to explore the train for those "F-16 to F-22"s , whose locations they had by hearted from the reservation chart pasted outside the coach. They put the official SOP (statement of purpose) as "Searching for the Pantry" but you know what they are up to.('Been there done that' kind of stuff for u guys!!..hai ki nahee??). They scan each compartment they pass by, and the data is shared among themselves when they reach the ends of the coach near the washbasin. And when that data is churned to come up with some vital information as to "which coach and which berth no.", the whole group oscillates to and fro about the "point of interest".

These dudes like to get down at every other platform, roll up their sleeves, light a ciggy and look around and say "Weather kitna sexy hai re!!", (even if the train halts there just for a few nanoseconds). These guys sure are cool. I was one such brat some time back, alas i'm spoilt now.

Aah the joys of the sleeper class. the sight of the stones and gravel from the hole in the commode, the sacred inscriptions on the toilet walls for instance some outright materialistic "Saleema i luv you..err..your.." and some philosophical as in "Ek aadmi ke hote hai 2 mouth , ek to hota hai north aur ek south"[of his anatomy] and some cheesy lines like .."Boond Boond se saagar bharta hai, apni boonde apne pass rakhiye" (ab aur nahee likhta!! rehne de yaar kuchh adults bhi blog padhte hai..:P.), the unadulterated entertainment provided by those clappy-happy eunuchs, the chaaiwaalahs drawl "chaiiiiiii...bhains ki doodh ki chaai", the wait listed passengers clutching on to their tickets sandwiched between two hundred rupees notes waiting for the TT sahab,.. and a lot more . Phew!! so many memories!! Lets see if you can add to this list!! till then Sat sri tatkaal!!

Ek Chawanni chaap post!!

2007-10-30T17:58:00.000+05:30

With a spate of "Mujhe-Angrezee-aati-hai" certificate type posts being posted on Garam bheja fry off late, I yumm back with an original chawanni chhaap post. This is the kind of blog-post reading which- ghar ki bahu-betiyaa laaj ke maare chew their chunnies/pallu to discoloration, the school going naauty buoys wait for their parents to doze off at nights before they read the post with one hand on the mouse and the other hand on their .......mouths of course,(tu kya socha!!) to nullify the noise of their giggle, and the office going junta to bechaari padh hi nahee paayegi, with content more mature than A.K. Hangal (I thought of writing A. Dumbledore here in place of hangal , lekin phir socha log kya kahen'gay' :P) , this post is sure to be blocked by the fire"walls and windows" of those damn network-security waalahs .

So here I present before you the recent referrers list, the links 'those' guys followed to reach Garambhejafry... (Disclaimer : Mature content...Chunnu-munnu dhyaan se padhna, kahee papa naa pakad le..aur agar pakad le to rona mat…kyuki papa bhi kabhi chunnu tha !!)

How enlightening is this to know that my blog caters to the fantasies of those kind hearted readers who are as innocent as parthiv patel’s paaltu khargosh. Bechaare log doesn’t know Garam bheja fry offers stuff as raunchy as the details of Bappi lahiri and romesh powar making out in public..(ewwww waala tha naa!! oops I have few readers in kolkata as well). I hope they weren’t offended by the “jarurat se jyada mature content” of the previous sentence.

Mallu aunty vs. Punjabi aunty :- The nationwide fan following of the Punjabi aunties vs. the “mere piyaa gaye middal yeast, and my neighbor is a raunchy beast” type mallu aunties who love wonly their banana chipzz and get fat to the voyeur pleasure of the GJs(Google Jockies). The battle continues for the “Google keyword queen” title.

The gentleman diving deep into the 'www' in search of the perfect “Fat aunty maal” must have had few expletives reserved for this blog’s author when they would have accidentally clicked on to the link leading them to this page of Garam bheja fry.

Kasam tushaar kapur ke smile ki ye kaun banda hai bhaai, “Delhi Bangalore rajdhani dinner time” Apun bhi ghar jaa raha hai..aur isi train se… isse jarurat mulakaat hogi wo bhi dinner time re..

(Attention: Passengers who belong to the F-16 to F-22 category on the reservation chart ; traveling on the 1st of nov from bangy to New delhi , need not worry about the confirmation of their berths)

And the brats of the cyber dharti who are sweating it out to find the “Naalayak betis” of this world who they think are vulnerable enough to be coaxed in to sitting on one of the corner seats of the empty theaters running RGV movies; this is not the right place/link dude coz I am looking for one such naalayak beti myself. :p (papa agar aapne ye padha hai to aap to jaante ho ki jhooth bolne ki meri bachpan se hobby rahee hai!!)

Junta this was one chaaloo post before I leave for my home ground. India Pakistan series coming up so I hope the frustoo junta out their will look out for those cricket playing uncles(ganguly, Sachin etc) than the fat aunties of this world. And that applies to moi as well. Adios!!

I have added a form above, whosoever wants to flood the mailboxes of their boss’, Professor’s, Teacher’s ex-BF, ex-GF , doodhwala, paperwaala (sorry agar tu khud hi paperwaala hai to :p) , maali , driver; then you can type in the e-mail address and “hit” the subscribe button to receive any new post I puke out here. Home delivery ho jaayegi!! :)

Advertisements kaise kaise!!!

2007-10-25T12:09:00.000+05:30

Advertisements: A 30 to 40 seconds long visual message often used for communicating to the viewer some vital information ranging from the the ills of "saadharan tikiya ki dhulaai" to the secrets of "phoolon see komal twacha". I fondly remember those lazy sunday mornings when i waited (after nahaa dho ke and all cream powder laga ke) with bated breath for the Sadabahaar geeto ka pirogram 'Rangoli'. Hema malini who hosted the show would say "Ab hum sunenge madan mohan dwara sangeetbaddh aur mohammad rafi ka gaaya huaa ye geet..lekin usse pehle hum lenge ek chota saa break".

And then we all would sit there like a dead rock braving some 37 ads of various 'saabun-tel-chaddi-baniyaan brands'. The T.V. remote, which has always been the adman's nemesis, was as useless as a decade old proxy server address. (for logging in to orkut). We had no other choice and therefore we by hearted as to which soap should we trust for our "tandarusti ki raksha" and for getting rid of our "mail ke keetaanu". We were warned about the kabj, gas and acidity ke raakshas which can only be exterminated by those Bhaavnagar waale hunters with their guns loaded with Kaayam churn. Melody was always chocolatee and there was no denying the fact that Borolin was the original 'khushbudar antiseptic cream'. Hamdard ka tonic cincara was a must have for the budding IT professionals and Saundarya saabun nirma was the secret of success of Sonali bendre.

And in the end it was always the "Aaraam ka maamla hai" for the erstwhile flamboyant dudes wearing VIP undies contradictory to the other shy , self conscious half for whom it was still an "Andar ki baat hai".

The ad world has changed hasn't it. So here once again I am trying to segregate the types of ads which run just before the host is about to announce as to "kaun sii jodi iss hafte contest se out hone waali hai"..

1) The Aaj tak chaap ads...the cheap 10-15 second ads:- The only channel featuring such ads are the 24/7 Hindi news channels which boasts of just the right target audience for the products whose ads they run. No matter how important the news being covered the news readers make room for a commercial break...Sample this

Nagma : .Jaisa ki aapko pata hai, orissa ke tatwarti ilaako me samudri tufaan se marne waalo ki sankhya lagatar badhti jaa rahee hai, humaare samvaad daata sanjay baraakta ghatnasthal pe maujood hai, aaiye unhi se puchte hai wahaa ke taaza haalaat...

Nagma : "Sanjay humare darshako ko bataaiye wahaa ke haalaat kaise hai??"

Sanjay: "Jee nagma mai iss wakt samandar ke beecho beech ek naav par kuchh machuaaro ke saath fasaa hu...gaur karne waali baat ye hai ki..abhi ek badee leher humaari or aa rahee hai.."

Nagma : "Kya aap bata sakte hai kitni badee leher hogi sanjay??"

Sanjay : "*gulp* Nagma hummari naav palat gayee...*gulp* bachaao *gulp* ..mai naav ko pakad kar latka hoon !!.."

Nagma : "Sanjay aap humaare saath line par bane rahiye aur uss naav ko pakde rakhiye..ab samay ho chala hai chhote se break kaa. sanjay phir haazir honge break ke baad"

Sanjay : "Iss bulletin ke praayojak hai Barnala TMT sariyaa..... *gulp* *gulp* *gulp*...."

During the break u see celebrities (?) of the likes of Aman verma cleaning random toilet seats. He barges into a house after announcing "Aaiye chalte hai neeta ji ke ghar??"

"Apna toilet dikhaaiye!!" he says. Neetaji is taken aback with a battery of cameramen zooming into her nostrils. She manages with a "Andar Bunty ke papa baithe hain!!" as she pushes bunty's chaddi with her feet (which was lying on the floor) under the sofa unless the cameras zoom into the fibers of the undie. It is evident that the naughty boy slipped out of his bare essentials in a state of utter bowel emergency.

"Aaj hum dikhaa ke rahenge apna safedi challenge..nikaaliye uncle ko toilet se!!!!" And then Aman's safedi challenge waalas do the rest. (this word "rest" can be expanded to generate a pile of toilet humor.. but I refrain from it..theek kiya naa?? :P)

Then he raises the toilet cleaner bottle and announces ,

"H***** ka safaai challenge Aa raha hai aapke nazdeeki toilet-gharo me !! "

After this u see Shekhar sumans and the Siddhus of the industry marketing cheap Japanese inverters and UPS, Character artists of the 90's swearing about the "Jaan!! " (life) in random cements and TMT sariyaas, failed actresses sipping unknown "assam ke bagaano se chuni" random chaai and getting bowled over ; All of it in just 15 seconds. The cost of producing the ad is nearly equal to the price of (one unit of) the product being advertised.

The motive is pretty clear hire a cheap celebrity, tell him to blabber about the product like "Aaj hi apnaaiye / Aisa sunehra mauka haanth se naa choonke / ye hai mera pakka vaada", and wishing that junta will swarm in to the shops like mad Sreesanths and lap up all sariyas, cements and inverters kyuki "Shekhar suman ji kaa waada hai". Bah!

2) Biker ads - With extra premium dude quotient: - These ads are targetted at our colony's wannabe dudes with a cup of extra testosterone in their veins. Their "about me" section in their respective orkut profiles is replete with words like Attitude / don't give a damn /cool / hunk / I make my own road. Their answer sheets may resemble the comment page of a newbie blogger but when their father asks them

"Naalayak , kabhi apne future ke baare me sochaa hai"

They shrug it off with a- "Thinking...is such a waste of time dad !! " and they put on the helmet to take on the world.

This is the same philosophy which's professed in these ads. An ultra cool metro sexual hunk wearing black shades and buckled up in black leather gear, would be shown cruising along on a snazzy bike. And then out of nowhere a chick clad in short pants (and wearing a million other accessories) would ask for a lift. This gives the dude a chance to test his disc brakes and perform a front wheel wheelie (apna colony wala brat utters a thick expletive (*#@*%) out of excitement seeing just that).

When the biker touches ground, He lifts his helmet over his head and delivers a smart-ass line something to the effect of

"A girl who looks a $million, must grace my bike's pillion"

The girl is bowled over and wastes no time in jumping on the pillion seat and then she utters an enlightening line looking sensuously into the camera which if put plainly for all lay-men and lay-women , is

"Bike laa, Maal pataa".

Apna colony ka Vickies and Ronnies coax their respective daddies for the same bike to at least score over the tinas and leenas of the locality. "Be a rebel" (hindi me -> Chori kar, daaka daal lekin bike khareed, bina bike tu "incomplete man"(C*kka) hai) thats the philosophy they want to cultivate in the minds of apna lukkhaas of the colony.

c) We understand you- hum samajhte hai type of ads:-

These are the ads floated by the banks and insurance companies, which claim they know your needs better than you do. They often play around with relations like father-daughter, mother-son, husband-wife, HR guys- Rest of the employees (oops cut the last one). What pessimism is for a brat , translates to future-security for an elderly.

These ads are often strung into a soft background song which talks about the benefits of long term investment and strength of relations. And in between these sweet nothings the ad walaahs manage to slip in some numbers like interest rates and term of deposit. But they want you to frown at the fat numbers with a winning line -

"Arey bhaai meri beti ke future ka sawaal hai".

These guys have all the answers to the questions like "Rahul ke phoren ejjucation ke paise kahaa se aayenge??", "Bitiya ki shaadi bhi karni hai??". Character artists from the television industry feauture prominently in such ads and with their weepy antics try to infuse such emotion that you crave for a bitiya first and then her shaadi.

Three more types to be explained....we'll discuss them in my agla post!!

Aunty mat kaho naa!!

2007-10-14T01:38:00.000+05:30

Aunty. Whenever we hear this word a mental sketch comes out of the bheje ka printer, forming an image that resembles a particular aunty which you loved, hated or respected(?) when you were a chhotu kid. But for me this word reminds me of none other than the gruesome and huge, the sabjiwaala's nightmare herself - 'Pados ki Chopra aunty'. She looked huge in her salwar kurta. When i stood near her , from a distance it looked like a japanese tourist standing beside the Statue of liberty.

I was a "Bhery naaaty buoy" according to Chopra aunty, who used to say this while grabbing my cheeks with her pincers (oops were they hands??) and nearly lifting me off the ground. With a swollen red cheek I would mutter under my breath the very few expletives (like "kutti" , "kamini"..oye reader don't raise your eyebrows. tu bhi bolta tha jhooth mat bol !! :p) I saved for such occasions. I very well know the fact that all the Aunties in this ' world of uncles' are not as sweet as Chopdee. ( We li'l scoundrels could think of just this nick!!)

So here i am trying to once again 'Munaf patel ke gaalo se bhi jyaada rough-ly classify the types of aunties in akkhaa-India :-

1) Middal class ki desi aunty :-

On a lazy winter morning when the sun is out and you hear the colony ka sabjiwaala hawker passing by announcing :-

"Aaloooo pyaaz bhindi tamaatar le lo-ooooooo...."

You hear a shrill voice from a balcony... "O sabjiwaale bhaiyaaaaaa ..... pyaaz kaise diye...". says a petite lady with her hair done in a bun over her head and a jhaadoo in her one hand. She's still wearing the nighty (night gown) and that's what is the trademark of this category of aunties. She's the bargain queen of the land. Here's the foreplay of the great game.

"Didi le jaao bohni ka tame(time) hai....20 rupay ke 2 kilo.." the hawker fed up with the daily-bargain-trauma tries to surrender early. The Aunty is no mood to let go of him this easy.

"Ruk aati hu neeche" She tucks the few loose strands of hair that have spilled on to her face, behind her ears with the same hand that carries the jhaadoo. Auntyji descends down the stairs wearing the same gown.

"haa bhaiya..kitna bhaav bataya... !!!" says she in an almost threatening tone.

"Bhenji!! 12 rupay kilo ka bhaav hai...aap 20 me 2 kilo le jaao..bolo tol doo 2 kilo??" he's ever so eager to close the deal.

"LOOT RAHA HAI KYA TU....pyaaz bech raha hai ya gehne??...aise sadey galey pyaaz mai 12 rs me khareedu tere se??..ye neembu ke size ke pyaaz humey tikaa raha hai tu... meri kaamwaali baai bhi naa khareede ye to !!!!" She shifts to top gear and has nearly run over the poor sabji waala.

"Didi...mandi me jaake pooch lo isse kam bhaav kahee nahee......" he comes down to his last resort.

"Oye Mandi se parso hi munnu ke papa 8 rupay ke bhaav pyaaz laaye hai...mujhe mat sikha mandi-wandi !!..8 rupay me dena hai to de warna waise bhi mujhe bahut kaam hai" Killer blow. In the meantime one more nighty-clad aunty arrives to the scene.

"Dekh naa manju loot raha hai ye bhaiya...10 RUPAYY bata raha hai bhaav pyaaz kaa" she tries to gather her army by coaxing one more of her kind in to the pricing war.

"Itte kam me to nahee de sakta mai...mandi se hi le lena pyaaz.." sabji waala is heart broken.

"Jaa jaa nahe chahiye......Ambani ke ghar jaake thelaa lagaaiyo..achee bikri hogi.." And then she mock parades back to the stairs. She knows the sabjiwala will crumble and surrender to her desired rate. And thats what happens..

"Achaa bhenji bohni khoti ho jaayegi..diyaa 8 rupay me....le jaao...Jeene mat do humey!! " he says in a defeated tone and loads the balance with the onions.

Auntyji comes back gladly and throws a winning smile at manju who is a trainee in the bargain game and then says she -

"Arey bhaiya tum to mandi lagaaoge, bade seth banoge aur tum jeene marne ki baat kar rahe ho!!"
the sabjiwala is indifferent to the cajoling as he looks helplessly at the auntyji picking up the ripe onions.

The game is won.

She is the apni indian aunty who can even bargain with a vending machine. She's omnipresent. The typical indian Housewive. The target audience of the Balaji telefilms.

The "khana khaa ke jaana" attitude even towards strangers endears her to everyone. All their husbands have a similar nickname that's - 'Ajee' as in " Ajee aap naa bade 'wo' ho!!". She has no rigid career goals and she is happy with the 450 rs she makes by teaching hindi to chunnu,muunu and bunty (colony ke natkhat chhokrey).

2) The sophisticated Page 3 aunties :-

It has been echoed a zillion times by a million feminists (aunties) around the world that "Behind every successful/controversial man there is an aunty". And true it is, while their husbands create all the ruckus on the page 1 of the newspapers, just behind them on the page 3 their better halves(Aunties) clad in backless blouses and designer jewellery, dazzle the page. The self professed socialites say they are doin it for a cause, to feed the poor li'l children in "God-knows-where"-istan. They are the "Driver gaadi nikaalo, party ke liye der ho rahee hai" types who refer to the top fashion designers by their first name. (for ex "Manish" and "Vikram" for Manish malhotra and Vikram phadnis).

These ladies often try to cite references to their recent phoren trips in unrelated conversations. Dodge this

In some random party :-

Mrs Roy : "Hey just have a look at Mrs laalwaani. Such a gaudy saaree she's wearing. looks like those '25% Festival discount' types...*giggle* "

Mrs Mehra : "And her sleeveless blouse OMG. makes her look like one of those obese brazillian grandmas in the Reo carnival. You know what I saw a lot of women like her when i was holidaying in Brazil this summer"

*more giggles*

3) The newbie aunty on the block :-

The ever so shy and coy newly wed aunty who has just moved in to the house across the street much to the thrill of the gully cricket playing teens. As she has just been married, her wardrobe is replete with bright colored ravishing saarees and suits, which she flaunts when she goes out for that "Evening walk" with her hubby , amidst sighs from the lukkhaas of the colony. Her mehendi hasn't faded away yet and she wears a full stack of bangles 24x7 err... 16x7 (Bhaai ab choodiyaan pehena ke hi sulaaoge kya...8 ghante sone bhi do!!).

and the gully cricket playing chhokraas talk

"Oye sharma jee waale ghar me naya maal aaya hai" one of the excited teens breaks the news.

"O teri..phir dekhne ko kab milega.." In chorus

"Shaam ko nikalti hai, arey yaar aunty to maal hai lekin uska pati to shakal se hi ch**iya dikhta hai !!" An absolute cliche it is.

"Bhaiye aisa hi jamaana hai langoor ko hi grape(angoor) juice peene ko milta hai...*sighh* " and they heave a big sigh together.

Just a fleeting glance at the husband was enough for the gully ka chhokraas to rechristen him as a 'langoor', his IIM degree notwithstanding. Poor hubbies ; their wives are the most sought after aunties for the designer karwachauth parties.

Dhaarmic aunties and the teacher aunties to be discussed next!! :)

Movie-theater!!

2007-10-07T03:42:00.000+05:30

Gandhi jayanthi popularly known as a national holiday and more popularly known as a dry day, falling on a weekday looks as cute on the calendar as celina jaitley, bipasha basu and saaddi manjeet (the silly village girl) on an atlas ki cycle. We decided in favour of a movie outing, we had two options to pick from- Johny Jamadaar err.. gaddar and bourne ultimatum (sounds like a harry potter spell).

PVR was the nearest haunt for us 'Mawalis' to 'see' more than just the movie. Soon we reached the ticket Q preceeded by some roaring laughter and heavy handed back slapping. Let me describe the scene there, when the crowd saw us arrive.

Girls with artificially straightened hair frowning with disgust, their "darling-where's-your-ass-i-m-feelin-licky-licky" type boyfriends making apprehensive faces, few wary and thus balding uncles reaching out to their back pockets to ensure the safety of their wallets , Fat aunties in sleeveless blouses clasping on to their handbags tight with their flabby arms ; All this followed our arrival to the scene. ( Due apologies to those few kind hearted readers who claim they aren't the likes of the ppl described above but infact are. )

An inky-pinky-ponky played among us friends decided as to who will stand in the ticket queue where some skimply clad girls (read chicks) were jostling for some elbow room much to the fascination of us young blooded brats who were ready to lend an elbow. ;).

We got the tickets for the late night show of 'Bourne ultimatum' after my 'inglish isspeeking' friends decided in favour of 'Bourne baba'.The tickets were getting booked at the speed of dinesh karthick running a 100m frog race carrying Smriti irani (tulsi) on his shoulders. So we dint have much of a problem in getting the tickets and what followed provided me with the 'maal' for this post..

The 'fillum dekhni waali' junta can be 'meri pajaame se bhi jyada loose'-ly classified into :-

1) Bizznesshh-man unkils, the "maal-consignment nahee" pahucha types –

Imagine a situation when you are watching 'chak de india' in a theater with your GF/BF/MF (MF-Mother Father :|), shahrukh is delivering that sattar minute pep talk, you all are riveted to your seats, utter silence in the hall, and then you hear a shrill mono ring-tone beating out some crappy reshamiya number.. The culprit uncle behind you picks up his phone..

"Haa bunty bol, cement load ho gaya kya??...maal load karke truck waale se raseed le liyo.... Bh*c**d Lallan baalu me mitti milaa raha hai..bolna saale ko payment late milega..chal be raseed kaat ke dobaara phone kariyo..."

When you hear this you feel like someone just emptied a truckload of baalu-mitti on your head. When the ankilji talks he keeps the phone at an 45 degree angle to his ear and he talks loud..so loud that even the shrewd popcorn waala outside knows who bunty is and lallan's sis needs to be wary of his brother.

2) "Corner seat par dard-e-disco"- the coochie coo couples-

In a queue a plump guy wearing a shirt with floral prints accompanying a bon-shy girl (bon-shy - a short and ever so shy girlie) is standing near the ticket counter. The guy announces with a naughty smile playing on his face. Rajesh khanna is proud of him.

"Bhaai saahab!! 2 CORNER seat dena…" he throws a pervert smile at the girl. The sharmili ladki squeaks. and so does the ticket waala.

When the couple leaves , a guy in his teens says to the tkt counter guy out of sheer desperation :-

"Bhaiyaaa!! inke BAGAL WAALI ek seat dena...INKE BAGAL WAALI" he's panting

"Kyo be ek saath do pictures dekhega kya....beta agar teri age above 18 hai tabhi ticket milega" counter waala retorts.

These are the couples which have no other place left, to show their 'pyaar ki taakat' and their 'sacche pyaar ki nishaani'. The parks are no longer safe with 'slap'py-happy policewaalahs at large and beaches(read : bandstand) to har city me hai nahee. Moreover the safety of cinema halls lies in the fact that they are too dark for any cell phone camera to render any potential juicy MMS.

The CSC (corner seat couples) association has recently felicitated Ram gopal verma for his contribution to the cause of the CSC. Movies like RGV ki aag, Darling, James, Naach compelled some 27 seats to escape out of the empty theater. Even the poor non-living seats didn't stand a chance against the brilliance of RGV.

The CSC with their adept "hand-eye coordination" show some real skills in pulling off some amazing maneuvers in the confines of the two seats inside the theater. "Haath ki safaai" they say. Long live CSC and may thou always manage to get a seat next to 'em . Amen!

3) Giggly girls in groups!! -

This is the group that brings in the revenue for the owner of the theater/multiplex. They are the second biggest attraction after the movie itself. All the mawaalis (read :us) decide on a movie after looking at the "quality" of the queue.

Chemically straightened hair with a highlight, heels that may puncture the floor, enough kaajal around their eyes to manufacture 3 blackboards, clothes as vulgar as this post; all this makes them the 'hot talking point' at the guy's respective hostel/PG/flat at nights after the show gets over. These girls cackle together whenever there's a sniff of humor in the movie. They are not as silly as saaddi manjeet and carry their 250 gm attitude well. These girls look to have bread crumbs for their dinner as they have pledged to wear their wedding ring around their waists.

Once inside the theater when you have plopped down on your seat and have planned to rest your feet on top of the seat ahead in the same 'Raja babu' isshtyle, suddenly a girl or a group of girls of the variety explained above come up to your seat and maintaining a stiff face say "Excuse me!! please...". you look at the angel eyed girl like a drunken monkey with your mouth open and then you realize you have to sit upright to give her way. She doesn't even look at you. And then when you reach home you boast among your friends as how you and the girl talked and exchanged family history and "samay ka to pata hi nahee chala ki kab nikal gaya".

4) Chaalu Chhokraas - "the wannabe dudes"-

Ideally this group follows the giggly girls and so it does here. The wannabe dudes come to the theater emptying half of their respective hair-gel tubes on their scalp. From the maafia look to the Chu**ya look each style is well represented by the dude fraternity.

Normally these guys come late to the theater. They would stand in front of the screen and in a fake attempt to search their friends they check out the girls and note down the GPS coordinates of the 'talented' girlies. Most of the dudes look like models who have walked the "Rampur ka ramp". And each time during the intermission, when they look at the price list of the food-items inside the multiplex (For ex 2 samosas for Rs. 50) they utter a thick (maa behen ki ) gaali under their breath. (which is perfectly justified).

The Popcorn waala scoffs at them and the guy at the metal detector double checks them before letting them in. Dudes wonder when they will earn enough to be able to buy popcorn and stuff without having to worry about the gain of calory and the loss of salary.

5) The blogger uncles :-

These are the super quiet types. Even the empty seat makes more noise than them. These are the super elite french bearded reviewers and blogger types. They often come in twos and sip a single cup of coffee thru the entire movie.

"There's is some sloppy sditing in the frames numbered 40-45..." one of them whispers to the other.

not to be left behind the other guy squeaks "yep!! moreover the screenplay slackens at times."

A dude from behind

"Sirji !! abhi picture shuru nahee huyee hai...ye to vicco vajradanti ka ad dikha rahe hai , jiske screenplay ka aap operation kar rahe ho"

That sums it up..bahut likh diyaa bhaai!! keyboard ki keys se letters gaayab ho gaye hai ghis ghis ke...chal jab tak mai keyboard paint karta hu... tu comment kar de!!

GBF reporter ki reports!!

2007-10-02T01:59:00.000+05:30

“Yuvraj packing six sixes of a Broad over and a six packed Shahrukh going over board” were the two drool-worthy sights of the past month. (Abey itti jaldi sentence padh gaya…dhang se dekh to sahee kitni mehnat gayee hai likhne me..).
My friends tell me that the abs are nothing but the sediments of the “40+” capsules he has been gulping all along, which are now showing up; quite a sick thought actually. Kya shahrukh bhaai...sunken cheeks and 5 ½ kg hairs on your scalp sadly makes you look more like my Patiyaale waale taauji, minus the abs though. For my patiyaale waale taauji six pack means cheh (six) peti aur har peti me 8 khambe (full botal).

(isse pehle ki dard-e-disco morcha ke workers ransack my house aur maar maar kar mere 3-4 abs nikaal de..i better switch the topic)

So let’s just summarize the events of the past 1 month.

1. India wins the tonti tonti wolld cup :- An unforgettable experience , the finest week of Indian cricket, The exuberance of youth and……. (ek belly khujaata huaa Reader: oye bhejafry beta aaraam se ..ye to aisa lag raha hai ki cricinfo ki site khol ke baith gaya hoon, yaa phir maine siddhu ke chor pocket waali diary khol li hai, apni aukaad me reh …angrezi tere aur shoaib malik dono ke bas ki nahee hai)

Haa to bhaai, let us tell you some inside stories….

Brett lee bowling to shoaib malik. Malik is beaten comprehensively. Lee comes up to shoaib and says :

Brett lee : (shift dabaa ke 1436732 type kar le reader…arey bhaai gaaliyaa dee aur kya…ab kaun see gaali di ye to naa shoaib ko pata naa hi mere ko.)

Shoaib : “I unite your mother and sister in next shot”

(agle shot me mai tumhaari maa behen ek kar dunga)

Brett lee: (enraged) “teri maa ki..”

(don’t ask me brett lee ne kahaan se seekha ye)

The cheerleaders talking to each other during a match..

Ch1: “chameli behen, aaj raat mere kamar par thoda iodex mal dena, naachte naachte toot gayee hai meri naazuk kamariyaa”

Ch2: “Kyu nahee behna, jab bhi ye naaspeeta yuvraj batting pe aata hai, kamar toot jaati hai, ab kya bataau ghar par boodhi maa ke ilaaz aur chhote bhaai ki padhaai keliye kitne sitam jhelne padte hai humey “

Ch1: “sahee kahaa…aur to aur ye India Pakistan ke log…uffff.. chaahe kisi bhi team ka chauka padey…khush ho jaate hai..naach dekhne ko jo milta hai”

Ch2 : “Ye cameraman bhi kam nahee hai muaa, ball boundary cross karne se pehle hi itna zoom kar dete hai idhar ki mere face ke pimple bhi dikh jaaye logo ko”

A jubilant indian fan : “oye gori mem, mere saath Nach baliye-3 me chalegi?? ”

More inside scoops from the tonti tonti wolld cup and the launch of the starlets… johny hawaldar..err gaddar and Saawariyaa in the next post.

A trip to mera sasur (Mysore) - I

2007-09-09T19:54:00.000+05:30

Long time no pee err..see !! (Song playing in my bheje ka Winamp : Pee le pee le o mere jaani pee le pee le o mere raja.. :P). the long disconnect can be well explained by the fact that this poor software trainee of a soul was subjected to a training routine which was as relentless and bey-reham as Nisha Kothari in RGV ki aag.( GBF reporter reports that the guy at the ticket counter brings along a mortein mosquito coil to his work place daily for what else but an undisturbed sleep).

At long last the training period is over and we’ll be allotted projects on the 17th of this month. If luck stays by my side, I might land up with a good development project. Chances are plum as I have scored well in the assessments (80+% overall), but bhagwaan ji has been playing an ‘Aleem dar’ offlate on my life ki innings. Dekho ji kya hota hai!!

Last weekend four of us dosts decided upon a trip to mysore. A visit to Tipu sultan’s tomb, Mysore palace and vrindavan garden with a few ancient temples dotting the route featured in the package tour. The bus was scheduled to depart on 6:45 in the morning aur wo bhi Saturday morning. Itni subah to sadak ke kutto kaa bhi alarm nahee bajta.

It was a chilled out morning and we were waiting for fellow travelers and traveleriyaas but they proved to be as disappointing as this post. We somehow managed to bring a non branded digicam along.(kuuch nahee mil raha tha yaar!! ) “Mera camera hai japani, ye ‘pantaloon’ of kishore biyani” (maaf kar do yaar hehe!!).

The dhaaba food was at its worst; I ordered a dosa which tasted like a pizza with a rich haajmola topping. Don’t dare to ask me about the paneer butter masaala that we had in the lunch. RGV ki aag par seki gayee rotiyo ke saath me paneer butter masala was like ‘no paneer but masala’. We reached tipu’s tomb at about 10 in the morning. The in house guide was speaking hindi as fluent and flawless as I speak French. Dodge this..

“Ye makbara matbal tooomb ne banvaaye tipu sultan ko in the saal 1798..”

“Aur masala dosa ne khaaya mere ko at the samay 9:30” I murmured.

Arey bhaai uski kya galti hai. Mujhe to kannada me sirf gaaliyaa aati hai wo to phir bhi hindi me bahut kuchh bol gaya.

After checking out the tomb of tipu sultan,and the burial places of his various bhaai bhateeje and bahuu betiyaa we clicked snaps with ordering some extra ‘cheese’. We were back in the bus and the next destination was the city of mysore. When the bus sped ahead on the serpentine ways up the hill I was tempted to do a “mere sapno ki raani..kab aayegi tu” but I was instantly reminded by my dost ki ‘Raani’ paap ke raaste par chal nikli hai…uski ‘chunri me daag’ lagne waala hai. Tide ka safedi challenge be damned.

Chalo bhaai baaki ki bakwaas baad me. Shahrukh ke abs ki + ‘heyy babyy’ ke babes ki kasam jaldi hi agla post chipkaaunga…

Garam Bheja Fry completes an year of its existence. Aaj mere blog ka birthday hai..kya gift laaye ho uncle!!

Tag ka agla bhaag!!

2007-08-20T20:46:00.000+05:30

Finally, these days when I reach home after spending a day facing some fierce competition from my fellow trainees in the hallowed environs of pocket tanks, minesweeper and the likes, I find a stable internet conn at home. Arey bhai kareeb 150 gram khoon jala hai iss mardood internet conn ke peeche.. Mera ISP “dulhe miyaa…” B*%$#.(tata indicom) itna mast tha kuch din pehle tak ki raat ko gmail par sign in kar ke so jaao subah tak inbox khul jaata thaa. The condition has improved a bit and ergo blogging shuru… :)

Ye raha Tag ka agla bhaag… abhi tak kyaa hua ye jaan ne ke liye padhe Raj comics ka naveentam digest http://garambhejafry.blogspot.com/2007/08/ee-kaa-hai-babuaa.html

9. Last person who made you cry ?

Rahul dravid , with his innings in which he scored 12 runs of 16 overs in the pichhla test match. Kehte hain series jeetna pakka kar rahe the… arey bhaai kabhi suna hai Truck ke driver ko kutte ne kaat liya… The chances of England winning the test match were as bright as “buddhaa mar gaya” winning the Oscars.

10. What is your favorite perfume / cologne ?

Ek hi hai bhaai… bhikhaari se puchhte ho ki favorite katoraa kaun saa hai??... kulhaadi maarta hu roz apni gardan par (AXE iiphect)… naa to mai marta hu naa hi ‘ladkiyaa marti’ hai (mujhpe)..( oye taali bazaao re pun maara maine!!)

11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex ?

The first and foremost condition is that these assets should be intact in the opposite waale sex ki ladki (:P). As my name is abhishek a green eyed girl will do just fine.:)
Arey contact lens ki chaddi pehen ke har ‘naked eye’ rangili ho jaati hain. Dikhaawo pe naa jaao, pehle apni shakal chamkaao.
Aur yaar hair to grey nahee hone chahiye ladki ke. kam se kam godrej hair dye ke paise to bachenge mere.

12. What are you listening to ?

‘What goes around comes around’ by timbaland. Oye angrezi reader apni raised eyebrows ko rest de aur unko dharti par laa. Hum bhi angrezee gaane suntaa hoon. :D Waise gaana mast hai lekin gaane ka matlab mujhe utna hi pataa hai jitna tere ko mere agle post ke contents. :P

Maine pehle bhi kaha tha. I yumm just a Rampur ka duryodhan in bengalooru.

13. Do you get scared of the dark ?

Haa bhaai haan!! The few ghosts who read this blog please meri mazboori ka faayeda naa uthaana. The puraani haveli dwellers, historical figures up the peepal ka ped and the plush bhoots camping in the Ram gopal verma camp spare this innocent S/W-trainee soul.

14. Do you like pain killers ?

Yeah I so love them!! Raat ke khaane ke baad agar plate me ek-do pain killer naa ho to khaane ka mazaa nahee aata!! Kyu Sharma ji!!

Pain killer hai jalebiyaan thode hi hain!! Imagine your mum saying

“beta aaj maine pain killers ki sabji banaayee hai….tujhe pasand hai naa isiliye!!”

“Arey waah maa!! To phir raayeta Vicks-action-500 kaa hi banana aur agar crocin kii chutney mil jaaye to kyaa kehne”

Pain ko Chill (kill) maar yaar!!

15. Are you too shy to ask someone out ?

Aaye haaye..T-shirt ki sleeve muh me dabaa li sharam ke maare!! Oye mere Shy-ni ahuja mai inna shy bhi nahee bhaai… sharam ko mai painkillers ki sabji ke saath hi bachpan me khaa gaya tha.. haan lekin kisi ladke ko “asking out” karne me vaddi sharam aati hai jee, you know naa!! * coyily looks at his bitten nails *

16 . If you could eat anything right now , what would it be ?

Ras-malaai..bhott sahee lagti hai mainu!! Inni saari plates khaate ho..kabhi kuchh daan dharam bhi kar jaao..

17. Who was the last person you made mad ?

18th question ka answer!!

18. Is anyone in love with you ?

17th question ka answer.!! :)

Padh lo bhaiya badey dino baad!!

2007-08-10T00:05:00.000+05:30

Hi guys , bulls and bacchdaas(calves) how have u all been?? Haan bhaai haaa!!! Meri part-time job Gumshuda talaash Kendra me lag gayee thi…apne saare gunaaho ka ikbaaliya-jurm kabool karta hu. Last one month I was as bizee as the hutch ka network on friendship day. A transformation of a bhola bhaala technically apaahij naujwaan to a Gheek with better coding skills than mulayam singh yaadav, took place. I know my sense of humour has suffered in the past 1 month and is still ‘suffer’ing in indore-bhopal passenger. Pyaare readers bear with me.

Last one month was spent in playing pocket tanks and sweeping mines and ironically I was paid for it. Then happened the assessment exams and I managed a modest assi pratishat (eighty percent for the ‘devnaagiri’li challenged) in an exam where 300 out of the 450 trainees uttered a thick maa ki gaali after seeing their results. ‘ and then we drank happily ever after. (mere ko to pepsi pee ke bhi chadh jaati hai).

Now lemme complete a long due tag :

I was tagged by Aparna in 27 B.C. (bahut puraani baat hai) and I am yet to complete the tag and so today in 2007 A.D. me ye tag poora hoga. Khoob saare kweschann aur unke jawaab.

1. Pick out a scar you have , and explain how you got it .

Mera jism koi s'car' parking lot nahee hai jii. Lekin mental scars ke baare me mat pooch zaalim. My school report cards acted as a raampuri chakku on my naazuk mental state.

My teacher used to tell me :

“Teri answer sheet to toilet paper se bhi jyaada safed rehti hai, RIN supreme se dhota hai kya”

“Nahee sir mai to haath se dhota hu, aap????”

2. What does your phone look like ?

My phone looks like raveena tendon.

Are bhaai phone hai girl friend thode hi hai. Jab poocha hai to le bhaai , My cellphone is the rajesh khanna of all phones…apne jawaani ke aakhiri din gin raha bilack Nokia 6600, ab iska price bhi itna hi hai…Rs 6600..it is as black as kaala kauwa. (Or was it Kauwaa kaaaalaa!!! In the godrej hair dye ad).

3.What is on the walls of your bedroom ?

Nerolac Nerolac!! & A life size collage of pics of kimi kaatkar and Deepak tizori in compromising positions… (kuchh jyaada hi compromise karaa diya kya?)

Miyaa hum saif ali khan nahee ki deewar par guitar chipkaaye..

Deewar se yaad aaya... ek baar mera dost kisi ladki se link kar ke mujhe chidhaa raha tha…incidentally he is also a tagdaa minister of external ‘affairs’..

“kyu beta kal shaam ko flat screen laptop (slangcheck: a plain jane) leke kaha ghoom raha tha”

“Beta jinke ghar sheeshe ke ho unki deewaro par susu nahee kiyaa karte !! “

“Wo kyu” innocently he asks

“Abey behsharami ke putle, kaanch ki deewaro par susu karega to doosri side se sab dekh lenge, isiliye dhyaan se bacchoo tere kaale kaarnaamo ka pdf document maine bit-torrent se 2 raato me dwnld kiyaa tha”

4. What is your current desktop picture ?

Current desktop par mayawati ki photo hai. Uske aas paas kopche me bipasha aur katreena chopra baith ke ludo khel rahee hai.

Waise sachee bataau to windows ka default maidaan lagaa rakhaa hai. Kya pata kab browse karte karte jarurat pad jaaye… :P

5. Do you believe in gay marriage ?

Oiii maa!! Aise personal kweshchann naa pooch t-shirt ki sleeve daanto se dabaa li hai maine..!!

arey bhaai jab miyaa-beeve.. err miyaa - miyaa raazi to kya karega kaaji!! And baabuji and maaji.

6. What do you want more than anything right now ?

Post this piece…it has been a month since I posted anything substantial on my blog. Mera hit-counter jpeg image lag raha hai..kayee dino se ek jaisaa hi hai!!

7 . What time were you born ?

I was born on a cold December morning on the 13^th ( doctor ne kaanpte haatho se evil bacche ko nikaala tha). Samay teen baj ke paintaalis minute. Ye to meri mummy ne bataaya… time dekhna to mere ko 5^th class tak nahee aaya tha.

8. Are your parents still together ?

Arey bhaai mai brad pitt aur angelina jolie ki aulaad thode hi hoon bhaai… bharat desh ki ek middal class family ka waris ka product hoon.

My parents are always together in launching a verbal assault on your’s truly. Buhuhuhu!! (baankelaal aise hi rota tha!!)

Aage kya hua jaan ne ke liye padhiye agla post…jald hi aapke najdeeki cinemagharo me…

Update: “Chak de india” ke 4 tckts have just been delivered to my doorsteps. Khush ho jaao india.

Happy independence day deshwaasiyo, ek jhanda jarur khareedna each one of you. Aakhir retirement age aa gayee apne country ki!!

Ee hai meri keyboard ki pehli kamaai...JAM magazine ka cheque.

http://garambhejafry.blogspot.com/2006/09/gr8-indian-spicy-baraat.html
Aur ye raha wo article jo publish ho gaya!!!

I yumm happy!!

2007-07-07T18:25:00.000+05:30

Two weeks of training are over. 5 more weeks to go. My friends back home ask me “Kaun saa maheena chal raha hai”(training kaa) and I get all red. I reply “mai poore parhej barat rahaa huu…jacchaa aur bacchaa dono salaamat hai”.. our training is taking place at a hip bangy college whose students irrespective of their sex hug each other when they meet in the mornings and talk about rock concerts and hangovers. Ee Bangalore hai babua, my dost tells me. I am just a Rampur ka laxman…err..duryodhan in a big city.

My day starts at 6:30 in the morning when I wake up for a piss and then again I go back to snuggle up where I used to piss on when I was a “nappy me bhi happy” baby.

I get up at 7 and till that time the PG waala nepaali kaancha delivers the bed tea. The innocent kaancha looks at me and says :

”shhaab!! Chaai kaha rakhu!! “

“aaarggglleggglee *drool* aghhhh” with one eye open

“jee shaab!! Theek hai“

While sipping the tea I wonder philosophically looking at the morning sky from my window how come I have become a “saabji” in the space of 2 weeks. Then my roomie sardaara shouts

“Saale Bh**Ch** pankaj udhaas….. kal subah utthega kyaa??” then I realize main to abhi bhi jawaan hoon. And my snobbish “saabji” thoughts take a suicidal jump from the same window.

In another half an hour I am as ready as sameera ready oopps reddy. Four of us colg ke dost get bundled in a santro and head for the training center. Bangalore ka traffic beckons us with open arms. As we stay at the BTM layout 2^nd stage and the training center is near the electronic city office which is a shade over 9kms away from our place traffic ke lambe haath hum maasoomo ke mornings ka gala ghontne ko taiyaar rehte hai... … “aa jaa beta” the traffic says. The road looks like a parking lot. And the office goers inside the cars and buses seem to have accepted this as a part of their life and they look as calm as a sleeping gurudutt while their vehicle moves at a speed of 10 inches an hour.

When we do reach the center we idle around in the canteen checking out the girls and saambhar vadaas , and then begins a 10 hour grueling session interspersed with 3-4 extended coffee breaks and a lunch break where we get the “fokut ka khaana”. Half of the class is occupied with my colg friends so fultoo masti.

On our way back who else but Atif, raeth and few other Pakistanis rub malham on the mental jakhms of us S/W engnnrs by their voice. When we are back at our residence dinner vagairah leke.. begins a happy hour where 12 of us colg ke dost (alllaah kaa shukar hai we are all in the same building) get together for what we call as “The happy hour” your’s truly hosts it proudly and in that period of time we guys laugh our ass off , jokes on every thing under the sun, moon and baanki ke pilanet. Din bhar ke Stress ki maa ki… :D

Kuchh photu-shotu dekh lo…

Rajdhani express ka ek coach..shukar hai gali ke kutte nahee ghoom rahe bas unhi ki kami hai

Traffic rules gaye chulhe me..

Mera gurucool...yaha mujhe hal chalaane ki training di jaati hai..

Oye cybercafe nahee hai re.. mera classroom hai ye..yahee mujhe 10 ghante roz mazdoori karni padti hai

Mera saaf suthra room...Beds ke beech me distance ko note kiya jaaye me-lordd!! :P

Ek kaam ki baat. Jaankaar dost se ek gujaarish hai...mujhe Sys UNIX domain se navaaja gaya hai aur mera telecom mera horizontal hai..iss combo ke saath mai kitne teer chala sakta hu..thodaa torch maar yaar ispe. battery mai khareed dunga tension nakko.

bang bang!!

2007-06-24T19:54:00.000+05:30

Iss sentence ko likhne ke dauraan iss keyboard ke ek bahaadur sipaahi – backspace key par bahut atyaachaar huaa hai. All-india-backspace-key-bachaao-samiti ne raajyapaal ko ek gyaapan diya hai. Aur hadtaal ki dhamki bhi saath me speedpost ki hai.

Phewhh!! Enuf of bakwaas, its my 4th day in the garden cITy of India and the weather has been as sexy as Katrina kaif, priyanka chopra and Bipasha “tripling” on a TVS champ (moped) and the laffu chhokras either side of the street throwing buckets of water on the giggly chicks as they glide by singing “why should boys have all the fun” (hehe boys are still having fun!!).

It all started when I boarded the Bangalore bound Rajdhani exp from Bhopal at such a time when even engineering students go to sleep (alone ..mind you!!). One of my “dilli ka dost” had booked my tkts from delhi and I needed to board the train from Bhopal (Sat sri tatkaal!). When the train arrived and I was about to embark upon the tirain a TT sahib popped up like a matrimonial ad of shaadi.com. He asked me to show him the ticket. (Shakal to allaah ki den hai ab mai chor-uchakka dikhta hu to it izz naat my faalt). I fished out the ticket from a andheri pocket and showed it to him. The TT gave me a left-eyebrow-raised “iss baar to bach gaye bacchuu” look. I gladly climbed the steps making a mental note that jab boodhaa ho jaaunga to ek film banaaunga iske saath picture ka naam “Khuddaar TT” - agar tumhe train par WT chadhna hai to tumhe meri laash ke upar pair rakh ke jaana hoga ”.

When I did reach the compartment somehow, I found my friend happily wrapped up in a railway blanket ready to be exported. Mine was the middle berth (3 tier ki ruswaaiyaan!!). The eunuchs never ask for money from the people lying on the middle berth, kyuki unko bhi pata hai ki “ye to beech kaa hai”. I stretched my legs lying on the “beech kaa berth”. It was 5 in the morning.

After about two hours my friend woke up and after poking me in my ribs nearly 27 times he woke me up as well. When I looked at him groggily He asks me with a innocent smile on his face “ tu kab aaya yaar!!”. He’s a sardar FYI. I thought of yelling a “teri **** ki.. jagaaya kyu??“. but it wasn’t my colg hostel so I managed with a “ yaar mai to tere suitcase me tha….tune dekha nahee &^%$@ “ (bachpan me padhaa tha ki jab bhi daaku dhamaaka singh ko chacha chaudhary ullu banaata tha wo aise hi gaaliya bakta tha “$#%^@” wohi dekh ke seekh gaya main).

One other uncleji was waiting anxiously for me to descend so that he could lower the berth and run thru the Economic times editorials. (yaar aisee hi junta aati hai..Where are those good old Manohar kahaaniyaa readers). Sharam ke maare I descended.

On the opposite berth there was a newly wed couple which had no qualms in coochie-cooing in public. ( and you guessed it right I had no qualms as well muhaha!!). Saale saahab bhi saath me the the official kabaab me haddi-washing machine me chaddi was a 2nd year engineering student. And no prizes in guessing that his sister was “the ideal aunty” :D . They were residents of Bangalore and they were trying to flaunt this fact. When I asked her husband when do we get the “fokut ki bed tea”.

He said “ abhi tak to aa jaani chahiye normally to aa jaati hai, humaara aana jana to issi train se hota hai u know!!”

“ohh…ok” I sighed.

I expected them to say in chorus “Hum to susu karne bhi raajdhani se jaate hai”.

Saale saab was busy hitting on a giggly sardaarni of the same age as his.

Sample this.

“ Engineering kar rahee ho?? “

“hihihihi *giggle* haan”

“Stream kaun si hai??”

“hihihi!! wo kyaa hota hai?? Hihihihi “

“Close-up use karti ho yaa happydent chabaati ho??”

“hihihihihi”

I slept through most parts of the journey only waking for the fokut ka lunch, dinner, jumpin, pepsi, soup etc. The next morning we reached a chilled out Bangalore. Temperature was below 20 degrees. The munda from dilli my dost, was about to collapse of hypothermia . (dili ki garmi huhaha!!).

Chal baaki ki kahaaniyaa baad me sunaaunga Sify Iway ka quota poora ho gaya. MG road aur brigade road ki jhalkiyo ke saath. I know without pics this post is looking like a ved prakash Sharma ka jaasoosi upanyaas (novel). Kal Monday hai kal se mere kandhe par hal daal diya jaayega, kaano me mother india ke gaane lagaa ke khet jutwaayenge .Lunch me roomaal me roti baandh ke le jaaunga aur kisi tree ke neeche baith ke khoon paseene ki roti khaaunga.buhuhu!! The training starts tomorrow.

Bangalored !?!

2007-06-19T16:30:00.000+05:30

21st june 0635 : Touchdown Bangalore!!

Mumma's baby to an earning brat!! hope the transition is smooth!! ( Topaz ke razer jaise)

P.S : I am gonna start a photo-blog soon.

P.p.s : Frustoons got DP'ed. :)

Itchy i'll do the tag soon. Gimme some time and i'll reply to all the comments. :)

Frustoons updated!!!

2007-06-17T20:37:00.000+05:30

(Click on the image to enlarge)

For more such pieces visit the home-page of Frustoo-the engineering student. c ya there. :)

Garambhejafry aa gaya!!!

2007-06-13T15:57:00.000+05:30

Phewhh!! A trip to the land of Sivaji (-the boss) kept me away from my thela and my beloved customers (some of them ran away with the cheap crockery when they visited the deserted bhejafry stall. Ab to 'a khoon ki holi' is on the cards). Last week was hectic to say the least. The script for the week was written on one fine lazy Monday morning when I groggily logged in to gmail. One of my friends who happens to be placed in the same company as I am, was online. The rest of the batch mates suspect his parents set his gmail username and password before they gave him his first name. Imagine a dialogue

"oye chintu_cool beta !! khaana thanda ho raha hai"

"Mummy!! chunni_cute online hai..saal bhar me ek baar online aati hai!!"

My call center ka paseena type dost wasted no time in tapping the keys as he called me on gtalk right away, a minute into our conversation he let out a big "yipppeeeeee" sandwiched between two *Beeps*. I dint need to ask the reason, the mail for which we were waiting for had seduced our inboxes. We were asked to report on 22nd June at the sarjapur office in Bangalore. I have heard enough about the traffic of Bangalore where people use the traffic jams as their parking solution, leave your car there in the morning and find it 10 mts displaced in the evening. (jyaada ho gaya mainu pata hai :P).

But the ordeal had just begun, we had to rush to Chennai to get a formal medical chk up done from a particular hospital specified by Wipro.( Haija, pechis, TB, pet dard, kabjiyat ka test) Tatkal maata ki jai ho. We got our tickets booked for the same day and the thela was bound to be deserted. The train journey to Chennai from Bhopal was like doing a nageena dance half naked lying on the asphalt of Delhi streets. Maa kasam phat gayee. Accompanying me in my compartment were a couple of sleepy Kadar khan look alike uncles and my friend Rahul (oye rahul aa raha hu treat lene bhopal..tere ko pata hai kyu!! :p.). After the train crossed Nagpur at about 2 in the afternoon mast pavan chali and the sun was enveloped by mere future se bhi jyaada dark clouds, the kadar khans woke up rubbing their eyes and regions south of their anatomy. Every body let out heavy sighs of relief which then again caused the temperature inside to rise. (Were they really sighs of relief which led to a temperature-rise in the com'fart'ment??)

Rahul had recently acquired a N70 and so he was hell-bent on some video clips to be taken. Yours truly was the commentator as I described the weather and other finer details of a typical train journey. The video came out to be really phunny and I heard lot of guys enjoyed it. And if kader khans were on board who could stop aruna iranis from boarding the train, and as the train crawled ahead on the red hot rails it gathered enough of the kind from the platforms that dotted the route.

Yaar AC ke tkt nahee mile..kee karta..

Bitchy aruna iranis, sleepy Kadar khan look alikes who snore from two different traps of their anatomy, chunkey pandey chaap students (read “us!!”), Paan-beedi-playing cards waalas who have been taught in their childhood that all train passengers are ch***ya (they try to sell you solitaire cards for the price of a computer), haaye haaye Eunuchs (chakkaas) singing and dancing on "kajra re.." and when they refer to you as 'Salman khan' you have to oblige them with a smiling Gandhi baba, an inevitable verbal clash between the waitlisted passengers and the persons who have their berths confirmed (the words they use reminds me of my hostel days ..Aahh those days when you could call a spade a spade and a *beep* a *beep*!!.)..well this is what that sums up a typical train journey while travelling 2nd class.

Phewhh!! I am glad I am back to my thelaa.by the way have you ever heard idioms like Choohe ke mooh me pohe, langoor ke haath me angoor?? or lets put it this way, Imagine angelina jolie wearing a Relaxo ki chappal to the cannes film festival or may be george clooney wearing a lux-cozi with enough holes in it to make it look like a map of Lakshadweep, and if you are still struggling to picture this have a look at this pic.

Vinod kambli and his (much much muchaamuch) better half!!

Frustoons- the comic strip!!

2007-06-05T03:18:00.000+05:30

Behenjeez and unke bhaailogz!! My friend Shashank and your's truly have come together to start a cartoon strip which chronicles the life and times of a frustrated engineering student named "Frustoo". go check it out. it's worth the effort..Here's the link

Frustoons

bataana zaroor kaisa laga nahee to katti :/ !!

Ek chhotu post!! :)

2007-06-03T22:06:00.000+05:30

As I type this sentence I have absolutely no idea as to what this post will be about. Actually my ideas se bhara steamer has been captured at Mud Island, a certain khuddaar inspector with a (chand rupayo ke khaatir) unsold zameer be damned. Layman ki zubaan me - My brain is currently out of coverage area of the 'Idea' network. As these days my life has been as exciting as that of a Bangladeshi ice-hockey player. So I have nothing much to blog about. Should i cry buhuhu!! :( .

After a few days I'll be off to Bangalore. A new job, same old h**r**mi friends, long drives, nightclubs (sorry no booze) and Atif are gonna keep me entertained/busy there. Blogging probably may take a backseat. The posting-frequency may go down. But then I will have a lot to write, rant, blabber and make fun of. And the li'l brainy will again pick signals of that elusive Idea network.

On the flip side, There will be moments of extreme disgust, pangs of nostalgia, mental fatigue and god(google)-help-me-or-i'll-shoot-the-incharge. The deadlines may prove to be more deadly than tushar kapoor in an emotional scene. But at the end of the day I’ll have my Garam bheja fry ka thela(stall) and you guys : my loyal customers, who will hopefully pull over at the stall and shout out " Oye Ganpatt!! chal plate laa". And as i'll prepare the same old recipe pyaar se, my worries and angst of the day will be shot at, near lokhandwala. ( ok ok !! agreed that lokhandwala dint make any sense!!).

And hey my final sem reults are out.I completed the degree with an aggregate of 80.XX %. I was like "Oye ganpattt!! chal daaru laa" :p

Gaagaa-googoo dayz!!

2007-05-31T01:23:00.000+05:30

Bhaaiyozz and behenozz!! First of all reach out to that sparkling new button on your monitor which you have never used before and toggle to the colour-adjustment option and mercilessly keep pressing it till the colour-scale is equal to the number of girl-friends/boy-friends you have. (btw the persons who are reading this post on their Orpat ka bada calculator need not worry!!). Bilack & white feel laao maamu flashback ke pehle. Before i 'flush' back err run a flashback i want you to be a li'l serious and stop advertising your jaundiced teeth.

All readers in chorus "Saale , khud ko dekh tere daanto ko dekh ke aisa lagta hai poori yellow river pi gaya hai tu!!"

Nevermind, chalo ateet ki yaadon me. San Unneeess sau pacchhasee (1985) ki baat hai december ka sard zaalim maheena. A baby boy was ushered into this world at about 4 'o clock in the morning probably crying loud enough to piss off gabbar who resided some 50 miles away. After all it’s the momma's job to tell me that unless I kept quiet gabbar aa jaayega. That was the only occasion in these 21 years I woke up that early in the morning. Well months rolled by and I grew into a pretty normal kid who thought his thumb was god's candy and the soil in the backyard was Ben & jerry's raw material, so I hogged on it. Once I interacted with a sophisticated Huggies-model type kid when my mom took me to his place:

Me (to another hum-umr kid) : " oye tinku!! tune sharma jee ke lawn ki mitti khaayee kya..ohh kya chatpati hai yaar ..Waah!!"

tinku ( pareshaan hai bechara) : " Dude!! Get a life..lawn ki mitti is so LS.. I prefer my kitchen garden.."

me thinks ( saale badaa hoke tera diaper utaarunga apne blog pe..bada hero ban raha hai naa beta!!) "Waise yaar starters ke liye kya leta hai??..meri to kismat hi phooti hai..meri maa ne mere thumb pe mirchi mal dii....angoothe ko hontho tak laa ke reh jaata hu"

"OMG teri thumb pe mirchi mal di...mere thumb pe momma ne garlic spray maara hai..Gawd it stinks like hell.."

"kya kare yaar..ab to Dabar janam ghutti se hi kaam chalana padta hai…Saale mere ancestors bhi peete the same bottle se.."

"Oh you mean gripe water...Ahh well I prefer it shaken but not stirred."

"Oh.. ok..arey yaar mere ko chunnu bata raha tha ki huggies ke ad ke liye tere ko ek room me nanga daudaya tha??.." i chuckled

"..*cold sigh* ..yaar when u turn a professional you have to live with it....thoda expose to karna hi padta hai industry me bane rehne ke liye. u know"

"oye tinku ab mera poo-poo time ho gaya....door hat jaa"

"Gawd tu abhi bhi kapda use karta hai nappy ke liye....disgusting!!"

"uwaaaaaan uu uu uwaaaaaaaaaaaaan" I raised the alarm for my momma to clean up the mess.

Funny days were those. I used to toddle about the dining room and reach the kitchen to see momma cook, waiting anxiously for her to look and throw a endearing smile at me, and when she did, I would chuckle and clap my hands gaa-gooing loudly, and eventually land on my bums. I kept repeating this act while she was in the kitchen. And at the end of it, when she was done with her chores she would hug me and kisses followed and I gaga-gooed even louder. Ahh the joys of the first born kids.

But then this smooth run took a jolt when I was just 2 years old. One night I complained of severe headache by what else but crying non-stop. It was quite unlike her li'l baby, and thats why my mum was worried. When the in-house recipes failed to alleviate my pain, the ped was called. But in vain as even after a week of medication the pain and the associated worries won't go. The family pediatrician referred the case to a neurosurgeon.

"Kahee koi serious baat to nahee hai naa" my mum asked the family ped.

"Ghabraaiye nahee..aap mil lijiye ek baar doctor ramesh chandra se.." the stiff lipped family doc had nothing more to say as my mum recounts.

Papa says mum cried after we were back from the clinic. My father was helpless and so was I.
The appointment with the surgeon was fixed and numerous medical tests were done including the CT-scan. When the reports came in, the doctor called my parents inside his cabin who were anxiously waiting for the doctor's verdict. He kept quiet for a minute and then he spoke maintaining a grim face

"Dekhiye maine dawaaiya likh di hain bas bacche ko sir me chot mat lagne dijyega, aur haan jab ye 6 saal ka ho jaaye tab isko school me daaliyega, jyada pressure mat daaliyega iske dimaag pe.." and he closed the case with these final words.

Hearts sank hearing that. Pa and ma were really confused as to what they should interpret of the doctor's words who are known for inducing euphemistic spins to the blunt facts. The doctor kept repeating the same words that their is nothing to worry about as long as we followed his "Just do as I say" statement.

“Was their first born child mentally unfit?? Will he be able to cope with his studies??” Questions whose answers were written on the wings of time.

When i was about three years old my father went ahead and got me admitted to a kindergarten, Eyebrows were raised and calls from relatives poured in but my parents stood by their decision.
And when I was in my UKG a renowned group of schools opened their branch in the city. At my father's behest I appeared for the entrance test for a direct admission into 2nd standard while I was still in UKG. Somehow I cleared the test and I skipped a whole year. The cynical relatives were silenced.
Once there, I performed reasonably well at the school exams and hence forth it was smooth sailing. And this day when I think of it, if my parents would have acted as the doc said, I wouldn't have been able to even read what I have written so far. Thank you! ma and pa for having faith in me and my abilities. Words would do gross injustice to explain my feelings for you. So I rest my case here.

P.S.: My mum recounted the whole story to me when I was in my 1st year of college.

P.P.S: Sorry readers for such a grey post like this but I felt it was necessary to vent my feelings. Thanks for listening to me.

My all time fav. do listen to it..

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Oooiii maa orkut!!

2007-05-28T01:02:00.000+05:30

In the age of web 2.0 and Spiderman 3.0, your presence on one of the addas where you can 'do frandsheep' with 'cweet' and 'sweetiful' gals and dudes is indispensable. Initially when I joined the orkut network, my long lost kindergarten friends would pop up every other day in my scrapbook and do a "paichaann kaun??"

Some times I used to irritate complete strangers with this. hehe!!

My shikaar's profile name ( ravi_hunk_cool)

Me (on his scrapbook) : Oye ravi!!! kahaa hai tuuuuuuuu mere yaaar!! pehchana mere ko???? yaad hai apan saath me cricket khela karte the bachpan me chhat pe...tu to vadddaa mota-shota ho gaya hai yaaar....[:D]

ravu_cool_hunk : (puzzled..but still jhooth bolta hai) umm.. haan yaar ..kya haal hai tere....arey yaar itne pooraane dost ko kaise bhool sakta huu..kaisa hai tu bol..

Me : haa yaar kya din the wo…Bhopal ki sardiyo me apan chhat par saath me patang udaaya karte the. Tu meri patang phaad diya karta tha aur main teri shirt ....aah kya din the wo..

Ravi : Oye dude mai to kabhi Bhopal gaya hi nahee !!! [:O]

Me : To main kaun saa gaya hoon..hehe..abbey waise tu yaar mota bahut hai vajan kam karr[:O]

So as you can see Orkut sure is interesting. And then there is this feature called the 'Recent profile visitors' which randomly links to five other persons/profiles who have visited your profile for undisclosed intentions. And it leads to this:-

"Oye tina!! tujhe pata hai ye garam_bheja_fry karamjalaa teen dino se mera profile visit kar raha hai!! iske mann me jarur chor hai"

"Oooiiii maa!! sacccheee me ye ek number ka chhaliya hai....ye meri visitors ki list me bhi roz attendance lagaata hai.."

"isko 'report abuse' ka chaanta lagana padega.."

" haan jarur behen !! kahee kuch paap naa ho jaaye!!"

haha!! To visit a profile you need to have a profile and here's a quick guide to create your very own..

I. About me : Now for this field follow the steps :-

1. On seperate chits of paper write down words like "cool", "attitude", "hot", "dude", "cute", "carefree", "life" etc
2. Drop the chits in a box.
3. Shake the box well.
4 Pick out chits one by one and write down the string thus formed in the "about me" text-box.

And if you are not satisfied with the result try out these readymade lines :-

i) "Tu chugalkhor hai tere ko nahee bataaunga"
ii) " haai mujhe sharam aati hai batate huye!!"
iii) "Saale profile visitor..kya mann me hai tere!! kal teri link aa jaayegi mere profile visitors ki list me.. bach ke jaayega kahaa!! Muhahaha"

II Here’s a sample of the remaining fields of the 'fixed options' category:-

relationship status: single *kya kru yaar triple ka option nahee tha to single hi likhna pada*
birthday: *ab ye bhi mai hi bataau kyaa*
age: *ye wala mere ko bhi bataana..:p*

here for : friends 'kuch kuch hota hai' ke cassette cover pe likha tha 'pyar dosti hai'*

children: yes - at home part time
ethnicity: african american (black)
languages i speak: Urdu, Arabic
religion: I am an INDIAN... * oye taali bajaao!! senti dialogue maara apun*
political view: libertarian *iska matlab nahee pata tha yu hi likh diya...tu kya has raha tere ko pata hai kya??*
humor: clever/quick witted, goofy/slapstick * goofy?? mowgli kaha hai?"
sexual orientation: straight *isme NO mazaak shhh*
fashion: TV (hehe 'ftv' aur kya)
living: with playmates ;p
webpage: http://garambhejafry.blogspot.com, www.abey-pop-up-hai-close-karde.com

III

sports: Raja-Mantri-Chor-sipaahi me gold medal, teen-patti, aur Bull-fighting me champion!!

books: Pet dard ka gharelu ilaaz, Jeeja-saali jokes, rangeen shero shaayari...these books changed my life..

music: fav album "Aunty no. 1", khuddar, aap ka suroor part 2

tv shows: krishi darshan, News for the hearing impaired, gumshuda talaash kendra

movies: only if a good enuf role is offered!!

cuisines: Arey mere bahut saare cuisines hai..teen bhopal me rehte hai...aur 2 dilli me padhaai kar rahe hai

Phewhh!! ab sone jaata hoon..hope this enlightening post will help you in creating a great profile on which garam_bheja_fry will mark his attendance daily to make you go
"ooiiii maa kalmooha phir aa gaya!!".

Woooohooooo!!!

2007-05-24T18:39:00.000+05:30

"Phewhhh!!!". (Or was it "F**k"!! I am just curious!!) Is that what you uttered when you completed or half completed reading the previous post? It must have been a torture for the innocent those who still think that 'khaini" is some Iranian Muslim second name and ‘bushirt’ is a typo. Never mind it was like expecting my octogenarian granny to count the pixels on my computer screen or may be forcing you to eat idlis with mixed fruit-jam. btw on the same note how would you feel if I replace the ham in between your hamburger with a fresh steamed idli and then I make you eat that. *evil snigger* I am in a wicked mood!! i have been watching 'Family guy' episodes lately and I guess it has rubbed off on me.

Oops!! Lemme just introduce to you these giggly graduates featuring in the pic above. ( it more looks like a UNICEF ad with the diverse skin colrs of the featured "fresh graduates") *kill me if I am shamelessly trying to dish out some high-brow humor here *

The gay guy in the middle is not me and the two valleys either side of the "Brokeback Mountain" don't read this blog. So the point is why in the heavens I posted this pic.

Two main reasons:-
a) This pic was the winner of the "inky-pinky-ponky" competition whose participants were the thumbnails that popped up as a result of a Google image search for the keyword "graduate".

b) And if you haven't been bored to death reading the number of 'relative pronouns' in the previous statement yet, I think i should tell you - My graduation day is near!!

Yeahh it is the graduation day when you move around clicking zillions of say-cheesy pics with your head popping out of a black tent. I thought graduates didn’t need any umbrella with a mobile-roof over their head. Most of you office goers reading this would have started playing the slideshow of that good 'ol day on your mental projector.

Aaah!! I so look forward to it. A brief visit to the college library is certainly on the cards, I could shove numerous high priced books under the black robe. Who!! What a day!!, can you imagine I can even bundle dictionaries under my sleeve. And gods save those cute li'l optical mice in the computer lab. Muhahaha!!

More details in the coming posts. Btw can anyone tell me how to install a miniature AC outside the 'black tent' to keep the organs inside it working in perfect harmony. Coz the venue is Chennai. (And plz don't guffaw telling me to smear my head with Navratna tel public-ka-AC). Hey lurkers!! Here is your chance to return the favour. Share your 'Graduation day' experiences veterans.

Bhojpuri Spiderman-wa!!

2007-05-23T16:00:00.000+05:30

* Disclaimer: This post was written to satiate a certain section of readers who long demanded I write something on this. So as the title suggests there will be some bhojpuri dialogues here. Do thank Laalu yadav, bollywood and big-boss if you can understand the conversation below. And if its all martian to you still read on..kya pata padhte padhte martian seekh jaao!! *

Our very own Bhojpuri Spiderman touches down patna airport and after a 3 hour camel ride (oops!! was that a roadways bus!!) he reaches Samastipur(bihar) as there are no skyscrapers to swing about, spidey has to put up with the Bihar roadways buses. The BPS (bhojpuri spideman) is all nostalgic to return to his roots.

Scene 1 :

Spidey is carrying an airbag on his back with a logo of "Pahalwaan chaap beedi" 'aapan jigar se jalaawa, jigar maa bahutte aag baa' " printed on it. He draws close to an elderly bunch of people whiling away under the shade of a banyan tree. They are all religiously rubbing 'choona' and 'tamaakhoo'(tobacco) against their palms with their adept thumbs, for a fat joint of khaini.

"Ho chachhhaaa!! kaisan baara??" Spidey announces his arrival.

"Ho marde ketna badaa ho gail baara tu ho!!...re geetaa 'Makkadman' khaatir sattu ghoro!!..aur bauaa gor-haath dho laa" chacha orders geeta to get spidey a sattu-drink.

"Naa ho chachha uu sab baad me..pahile humko thoda choona dijiye....bus me teen ghanta bina khaini ke baithe rahe !! " chacha is shocked to hear this.

"ee laa ho!! ee sab baat ke liye kono pooche ke jarurat baa!!...pichhla hafta hum gel rahni chhapra...munna ke biyaah rahil..areyyy uhey munna..pappu chachhaa ke badaa ladka..tum nahee chinnhta hoga usko ..chhodo !!" and chachaa smears some choona over spidey's stretched palm.

"bahut bhaniya baat baa...."

"ho papppaaaaa!! *uwaaaaaaaaan*" chachaa'a kid comes wailing at the top of his voice.

"kaa huaa re.."

" papppaaa!! bakri seeng maar ke humra pant faad diyaa...*uwaaaaaaa*.."

"arey kono baat nahi!! kaahe rota hai.. eee to chhotka chhed hai..abhi see denge isko"

"ho marde makkadman thoda rassi chhodiye to iska pant see dete hai.."

"abhiye lijiye.." and spidey raises his wrist and releases a fine string of the gooey matter. An hour passes by and chachha is still sewing his kid's knickers.

An irritated spidey blurts out " kaa ho chachhha chhiyattar(76) go chhed hai kaa...isiliye bolte hai ee chauraa ko anda mat khilaaiye..jyaada garmi pet me rahega to yahee sab hota hai!!"

"Nahee marde..andaa nahee ee behudddaa din bhar hajmola chibaata hai..usee kaaran pant phata hai" chacha is agitated

Chachaa's other kid is smiling at a distance seeing his brother get several acupuncture pricks on his bum while papa dear is sewing up the holes.

Chacha sees the other kid sniggering. He gets furious.. " Saala tum kona me daant chiyaar ke has raha hai..jaao hisaab banaao...ee baar tumko ekjaam me kam number aaya to tumko hum chatth me nayeka bushirt nahee kinenge!!"

(kinenge = khareedenge)

"Gussaiye mat chacha!! ee beriya dekhiyega chotuaa apna class me 1st aayega" spidey tries to cool him down.

"Arey aap nannu jaanmte hai isko...badee khachra hai….abhi ghar me jaake ludo khelega..isko kitaab-kopi se kono matlab nahee hai"

"pappa neemak kaha rakhe hai..sattu ghorna hai.." geeta blares from the kitchen

(neemak=salt)

"tum abhi takle neemakay khoj rahee ho, haathwa tani tej chalaao..aur dekho neemak 'ethi' me hoga" (now this is a magical word 'ethi' its as good as a blank but still somehow it works well to convey what you can't remember at that precise moment)

"Aur bataaba babua!! sune hai ki khhoob angrezee mem sab ke saath chumma-chaati kar raha hai...memiyaa sab ke gaaon kaahe nahee laata hai...." he presses the khaini harder with his thumb, when he says this

"Naah chachha sab nakli kaam hota hai..saala building kudwaane ke samay sala humre haath me rassi dhara ke dhakka de deta hai, aur chumma chaati ke scene me humra jagah 3d-animation daal deta hai...ee sab angrez sab badee chaaloo hai"

geeta : "papppaaaaaa!!! bhainsii rassi tod ke bhaaglas!!

Chacha : " Makkadman marde kucho kara ho...apna rasssi chodo bhainsi ke pakde ke baa...!!" he's frantic

"ee laa chacha!!" spiderman releases the so called 'rassi' from his wrist in the direction of the running buffalo. Bingo!! And then after dragging poor spidey through the fields for about 2 kms the buffalo did stop and mooed. Our spidey is all bruised up and his costume is in tatters after the ordeal was over.

"Ho chachhhaa!! jaldi chalaaa...naaa to humra se pahile thakurwa ke aadmi sab booth loot lee!!" a young boy shouts from a distance.

"ohh!! arey makkad man jaldi chalaa ho...booth loote ke sawaal baa!! "

And so spiderman err.. makkadman looted booths happily ever after. And as a result sandman and goblin formed a coalition government. jai ho!!!

P.S : dint find it as funny?? this is coz you have never stayed in Bihar!! this post is aimed at those folks who have been to the state and have spent a major chunk of life in that good 'ol part of the country. koi baat nahee ye 'on-demand' post thi.

A tale of two bros. named 'Copy' n 'Paste'.-updated

2007-05-21T13:42:00.000+05:30

Q : Which is the country for all ghosts??

A : Bhoot-an (bhutan)

Q Which country has said no to Paypal, the e-commerce site??

A: Nay-pal (nepal)

Wait!! rukiye!! isshtop!! Don't yet take your mouse pointer to the north-east of the screen and hit the cross button. This post hasn't resulted after an exercise of ctrl, c and v keys as the work above is oreejinal and its blogspot not ibibo.com.

Coming to the title of the post, the point is that after full four years of (kompooter) engineering the text printed on the keys- ‘ctrl’, ‘C’ and ‘V’ on my keyboard has faded away, of course due to over-exploitation, and it's true for all engineer bhaailogs..hai ki nahee??

I remember well when I was a moronic 'may-I-go-to-toilet' type toddler and the kindergarten teacher tried to punch-code or slap-code the first three letters of the English alphabet into my 'cache' memory, what I could recall, was saying

" A -- B -- control C..".

The teacher immediately called up my mom and told her ki "Ladka haath se gaya..iska kuchh nahee ho sakta....Software mazdoor hi banega ye".

And Once when I was in my 5th standard, during a Social science test I was trying to 'ctrl-c' from my smart-ass neighbor Subramanian (he needed a specially ordered name sticker for his notebooks) . While I was continuing with my 'distance-learning', the class teacher caught me benefiting from Subramanian’s 'Saare-answer-teep-le-but-naam-mat-teepiyo' program.

As hard-disks lose all the data if subjected to any physical damage, a strategically placed thappad [ delivered by the teacher] acted as a "FORMAT" command to my little brainy ka 'Social sciences' wala drive. And the rest is 'history'.

When i grew up and after various OMR sheets ke bubbles ka mooh kaala karke, I reached my college proving my kindergarten teacher's prediction alright. I could play those 'keys from heaven' faster than Adnan sami. (bechaara ek key dabaayega teen dab jaayengi..itna bhi koi patla nahee huaa wo..uske liye ek hi key hai keyboard par.wo hai space-bar :p!!).

Lab-assignments, mini-projects, movies on the LAN, Eminem lyrics, standard b'day wishing scraps and what not, kuchh nahee bachaa.

When the placement season commenced in our college i had to prepare a CV to advertise myself. The term said it all- 'C' and 'V' ; bah!! what more could i have added under my technical skills but that. Thats what i have been doing during the natural course of my engineering life. :P

And now I am knocking on the doors of the Saaftware industry, the veterans say that these are the 'keys to happiness' and i can't agree more.

P.S :Aur upar ke 2 PJs padh ke gaali mat dena maine hi likhe hai. :p.

P.P.S : The hit-counter crossed the 15,000 mark. Last month accounted for about 5000 visits. Thank you readers. :)

Kutte main tera khoon pee jaunga

2007-05-16T21:29:00.000+05:30

I have never been a dog's best friend and even the dogs haven't tied any friendship bands around my wrist. When I was a i-luv-kismi-bar and alif-laila-scares-the hell-out-of-me type kid, a movie named 'Teri meherbaaniya" was scheduled for the Saturday night on DD. We all were excited as the movie was color and it had Jackie shroff in the lead role sporting a red netted-baniyan and a yellow bandana, beating the shit out of the 'hum-basti-khaali-karaane-aaye-hai' type bad guys. Any random punches packed at Jackie dada were absorbed by his three inch thick chest-hair cushion. And there was a dog as well in the movie.

In one of those emosshnall scenes, the dog picks a child who has been deserted in the lawn in the 'kadee dhoop' to die ("Ye villain ka kaam hai!! kalmooha!!" mum says!). The dog takes the child to the shade and grabbing a burnol tube by his teeth he applies the lotion on to the sun-burns of the baby. People around me have lumps in their throat and are nanoseconds away from breaking down. I announce with a bucket of sarcasm

" Dekho saala kutta masaala laga raha hai bachhe pe, paka ke khaane ke mood me hai!!". I could barely hear the rest of the movie-dialogues , being locked inside the bathroom.

Yeahh I trusted the DD weather forecasts more than these canines.

And one day a pot-bellied uncle came to our house who sipped the tea by pouring it from the cup in to the dish. (and when he did sip the noise ensured the whole mohalla knew ki humaare yaha chai bani hai).

Then he said in between grabbing snacks.

"Asthana ji!! sheher me itni choriyaan(thefts) ho rahee hai!! Ab to aap ek kutta le hi lo!!"

Papaji smirked "Arey do to pehle se hi pal rahe hai..teesre ki kya jarurat hai!! "

My li'l bro and I looked at each other and barked and then we wagged our tails. So we never had a pet in our house. (Can mosquitoes be pets, if they can be, then we had lots of 'em.. but the point is - They can't be termed 'pets' coz we cannot name them as they all look the same.. A "Papa meri naak pe chintu ne kaata ki pintu ne??" won’t make much sense ..Aur yaar macchar aur kutte dono kaat te hai..so u can't just discriminate against a mosquito as a forbidden alternative to a dog as your pet).

For me a Sophisticated French poodle is just a 'kutta' and the same is true for the hopeful candidates for playback singing in Aap ka suroor-part 2 - the gali ka kuttas. I have some bitter memories of my encounters with a kind of species which likes to be introduced by this piece..

"Andheri raaton me ,
sunsaan raahon par,
Jab koi bina baat ke bhaukta hai,
usey log gali-ka-kuttah kehte hai " (insert the theme music of the movie Shehenshaah)

On a cold winter night when I was on my cycle, I took a turn into a dark street which was a short cut to my home. As I was paddling through, three rogue canines blocked my way. Me being a kachhi kali, nearly shat in my pants. I halted so as to not offend the growling 'sons of a bitch'. But they had other ideas as they fixed their eyes on my gori chikni taang. (haai ye zulmi gora badan!!). I tried to shoo them away but As they say a 'son of a bitch' is always a 'son of a bitch'. After playing inki-pinki-ponki among them the winner dug its teeth in to my calf. I let out a daraawani 'cheekh', which scared the living daylights of the doggies and they vanished after punch-coding me. Believe me the injections were more painful that the dog-bite.

So i wish my bigotry towards the doggy-kind is well communicated to you people. Go tie friendship bands around its tail , paws (or anywhere your ‘dirty or otherwise’ mind suggests you) but when you bring the dog near me do tie a band around its jaw, my sinful gora badan u see. :p

A slice of Gtalk !!

2007-05-14T02:15:00.000+05:30

Once on a lazy sunday afternoon when i was as free as a spoon that comes free with a 502 pataaka Chai-patti ka packet, I pinged one of my blogger friends who was counting the keys on his keyboard to kill time after he by-hearted the Windows help documentation. So here i present the excerpts of the chat. (Oye bilogger dost tu ghabra mat iss post ki kamaai ka aadha hisa teri vasiyat me cut-paste kar dunga!!). He went for the movie Tara-rum-pum the earlier night and so i asked him..
(This is the actual transcript of the chat)

me: Oye tararumpuram!! india ke rocket yahee se chhodte hai aajkal !! dekh li picture..??

Frnd: abbe yaar kal show ke baad auto hee nahi mila , 4 kilometer paidal chala andhere mein , izzat-abroo luti nahi magar

me: O teri..radio par suna ki ye picture radio par hi dekhne laayak thi

frnd: haan yar , kasam rakhi gulzar kee , upar se bagal wale uncle ne haath laga laga ke waise hee violate kar dia

mallu uncle the , maine hindi mein "mat karo" kaha , unko laga main enjoy karke keh raha hain 'aur karo' , saale ne poore teen ghante maze le liye

me: ohh...baap re elton john ke door ke bhatije kerela me bhi rehte hai
hehehe
mallu uncle interval me popcorn-saambhar khaate hai
patahai

frnd: hans raha hai zaalim , aaj main hoon , kal tu bhee so sakta hain , choodiyan pehan rakhi hai sabne , huh !

me: arey nahee tu bol to Naarth indian baalak utpeedan aandolan ka banner le ke aata hu sign kar diyo
tere scrapbook par dekha..baap re barron ki wordlist ka ek page chipka mila mere ko

frnd: kya ghinona iljaam laga raha hain , kidhar hai aisa ?

me: arey wo *beep* hai koi...mere blog par bhi tehelta hai aajkal
tune bhi rapidex chaapa hai uske scrapbk par
kyabaat hai

frnd: haan yar , main samne wala dekh ke alag alag roop apna leta hain , mere andar ek chota sa english man bhee chupa hai kahin
teri naukri hai kidhar ? kaunse shehar ki ladkiyon ki izzat ko khatra hain ?

me: Bangalore ki ladkiyaa burke ke liye wholesale me kapdaa khareed rahee hai
pune me bhi aisee afwaah hai..wahaa ki ladkiya judo seekh rahee hai

frnd: abbe main laal mirch ka stall laga leta hoon , wo bhee kaafi asardaar rehaga tere hawasi irado ko harane ke liye
chinta mat kario , halki wali mirch bechunga kanyaon ko , jyada nahi jalega tujhe

me: hehe...everest ka tadka , ang ang phadka
arey yaar Jaunpur ke chacha ne kaha tha..ki MBA jaisee chidiya do saal ke exp ke baad hi pakadna
maine iss baar CAT nahee diya..iss saal dunga
arey kuch pahucha nahee wapas bhej..maamu tu offline ho gaya tha

frnd: haan yar , boss ki parchai choo gayee thee mere jism ko
aur chacha bataaiye , cricket ka shauk rakhte hain ?

me: haa bahut..jyada..cicket ka shauk bachpan se hai
kirkit khelte khelte jawaani nikli hai

frnd: abhee bachpan khatam hee kaha hua aapka ? jawani ke angoor abhi khaane baaki hai aapke :p

me: "Aapka" bolke mere bachpan ka gala mat ghont..iss masoom ko bhi jeene de

frnd: abbe wo tho aise hee variety ke liye bol raha tha ,chinta na kar , hamare ya na izzat dee jaati na lee jaati hain

me: haa yaar nahee to kal raat paidal paidal chalte chalte tu kaii izzatdaar ladkiyo ko benakaab kar sakta tha

frnd: kaafi wajan hai teri baat mein , raat ke saaye mein maine iss shehar ka ek khaufnaak chehra dekha tha dost

frnd: yar koi badkeela gaana bata latest , download karta hoon

me: arey TRAIN ka gaana hai

me: arey cricket me tu batsman hai ya baller..

frnd: main middle stump hoon :p , arre mein wicketkeepr batsman hoon , gilleeecressst jaise :p

me :waise kaun se sheher me hai tu
*beeep*
ya phir *meeep*

frnd :*beep* !
kaunsa gaana hai tu naam bol , uski maa kee

me: arey mai tere ko link deta hu..aankh band kar bas dwnld button daba diyo

frnd: yeh huee na choro wali baat , bata bhai bata , bhagwan tujhe maal padosan dega

me:http://esnips.com/doc/abe5d249-265d-4755-b91b-d358a08a72a0/Woh-Ajnabee
ye le dabaa de isko *beep*
iske*

frnd: kaafi jayada dabaa dia hain , ek safed screen khul raha hain

me: nahee dheerd dheere saare nazaare "ubhar" jaayenge

frnd: movies nahi dekhta tu ? ja dekh aa hall pe , kabse ghar mein baitha kaanta ho raha hai

me: haa yaar asal me yaha dost nahee hai sale..saale sab net par bikhre huye hai..unko hi batorta rehta hu net pe

frnd: abbe dload kaise karun usko ?

me: download button nahee aa raha kya??
abey phir sign in kar le
ye le
aby.asthana@gmail.com

frnd: abbe yeh tau tho sign in karne ko keh raha hain

me: pwd: *beeep*

frnd: bhai tum sign in karte ho ya nahiiiiii

me: heheheeh
sahee bhidu

frnd: thanks yar , itna bharosa ? meri aankhon mein aaj ek nanha sa aanso aa gaya hain

me: hehehe..abey usme koi kaabuki ka khazaana thode hi hai
jo mai apne poto ko vasiyat me likhunga

Bahut ho gaya.. aage humne bhutan ke rising GDP aur bachpan me kiye gaye secret paap share kiye.

Aur haan have a look at The Garambhejafry ad i created. (hey office going junta you will need earphones to hear the dialogues).

The Garam Bheja Fry Ad !!

2007-05-12T19:40:00.000+05:30

In the true garambhejafry spirit i present to you an all new viral ad for this Blog. Here it is...

The Garambhejafry Ad

Don't forget to tell me how did you like it..!! :)

The 'K' word -I

2007-05-08T23:49:00.000+05:30

Life's boring , As boring as the news for the hearing-impaired on Sunday afternoons on DD1. Atal bihari vajpayee was a news reader there I suppose. Remembering those Sundays with DD1 when I was a cute little kid, makes me 250gm nostalgic.

I was a "Bhery naaaty buoy" according to a certain pados ki chopra aunty who used to say this while grabbing my cheeks with her pincers (oops were they hands??) and nearly lifting me off the ground. With a swollen red cheek I would mutter under my breath the very few expletives (like "kutti" , "kamini"..oye reader don't raise your eyebrows. tu bhi bolta tha jhooth mat bol !! :p) I saved for such occasions.

We kids used to assemble in front of the Bilack and white TV at sharp 8 o clock in the morning. Just after a quick bath, Eyes were fixed on the TV set as dear mommy with her relentless towel made sure her sonny boy looked export quality clean (I used to hate that sand-papering ).
After noting down tips on how to nourish your gerberas and various other phool-patti on the show 'Ankur' and then braving 'Gurubaani' we came to know every Sunday ki "Jungle jungle kyaa baat chali hai, aur Lux-macho pehen ke kaun sa phool khila hai". The magical world of mowgli, bageera, bhaalu and akdu-pakdu. :p

Excerpts:-

Bageera : Tumhe pata hai mowgli !! sarpanch ne kaha hai iss baar shikaar jyada nahee milne se sherkhaan se khatra badh gaya hai.

Bhaalu : Haa mujhe bhi cheel ne bataya sherkhaan aajkal nadee ke aas-paas ghoom raha hai!!

Mowgli: (who's staring at the lake) Uhhh...hmmm..

"Mowgleeeeeeeeee!! bandaro ne pakdu par humla kar diyaaaaaa" pappu is frantic.

*POWER CUT*

"kuttttte" I screamed. There was a look of horror on the faces of my cousins. Sure the word "kutta" and its derivatives were forbidden in our house. The 'F' word was yet to replace the K word for expressing deep disgust or unparallel pleasure. And then my dear mommy came armed with her spatula to sizzle my baby bum.

"Who said that ????" Mum was furious

All the cousins pointed their fingers like zombies , at poor moi. It seems they hadn't heard of "anguli-maal" daaku(a mythical dacoit who used to cut away fingers of his prey), they were nourishing one right in their house. Grrr.

"Oye pappu!! Mummy ne kitne garam kiye tere pichhwaade pe??" a yawning reader asks

"kyu re Haath sekne hai kya tere ko!!"

More on that K word in the next post. I promise u a detailed analysis before Rabri devi and Paris Hilton hit the nightclubs together and Adnan sami starts practicing ballet dancing. Reid n Taylor can sign chunkey pandey as their brand ambassador, Tushar kapoor can stand for elections, Sehwag can score triple centuries, Orkut biokutta can write me a testimonial, but butt butt moi can never utter that 'K' word when mum's around.

"Abey to phir 'F' word bolega to kya hoga??" another disgusted reader asks.

"kabhi suna hai jab final yr project submit karne ke time project ki CD "Basic-Insticnt" ki CD se replace ho jaaye to kya hota hai" :)

Idea of this post and the next - courtesy: gunj

Indian idol- GBF scoop

2007-05-05T13:50:00.000+05:30

Bharat ki shaan!! the season begins, and half of the Delhi junta is there. The bathroom singers jinki awaaz sunke paani chala jata hai and the pissed soapdish takes a suicidal dip down the commode unable to bear the torture, Muhammad rafee ke dandruff, kishore kumar ka paseena, GBF reporter everybody was there. The hosts Hussain ( iska first name kya hai bhaai, baap bhi hussain beta bhi hussain) and Mini mathur were shouting at the peak of their voices. "Agla indian idol kaun banegaa" chill maar ladki tu to nahee banegi...pehle naam ke mutaabik kapde pehen ke aa...'mini' mathur.

Lasith malinga look-alikes swinging their hands over snazzy guitars and singing pakistani songs eyes closed, (aas paas waaale say that whenever he closes his eyes [to sing] we close our ears), the countryside guys 'the gaaon ke bhaiye' wearing full sleeved shirts and sporting a pencil thin moustache claiming that they will win it coz they have an MBA backing them up.

And you ask “What ???”
he elaborates “Maa Behan ka Aashirwaaad” (MBA)

You can easily make out a gudri ka laal from the hip-hop crowd. He who uses words like "Uuparwala" "mehnat" , "lagan" is sure to be one with a "jaa beta jeet ke aaiyo, tujhpe pilot baba ka aashirwaad hai" wish from his 'kar-lo-duniya-mutthi-me' type mother.
Tear-happy pretty girls are waiting to torment the judges with their voices and their bitchy mums. And you would find some TT underwear-baniyan ke brand ambassadors with their bulging biceps wearing sun-glasses in the shade. They have a
ladkiya-mere-peeche-paagal-kyu-hai look on their faces. They won't even smile for the camera, attitude hai bhaai.

Our very own under-paid GBF reporter is masquerading as a contestant. He's waiting with the other contestants and is desperately trying to nab a walkman or two or even an earplug from a careless and hell of a lot nervous neighbor. And the big moment arrives

GBF is called in and is told to sit just outside the audition room. Gbf is trying to look all nervous and has the "Oii maaa ab kya hoga!!" expression on his face. And then suddenly a visibly furious contestant referring to all the female members of Anu-malik's extended family comes out of the audition room. Aur ab GBF ka number aaya.

He is facing the judges..

Anu malik : Haa suna bey!!

GBF : Jee main aapko bata du ki maine Goa ke Vasco gharaane ke guru maai ka laal jaikishan se saat saal ki sangeet ki shiksha li hai.. (he touches his ear when he utters the name of his guru)

(javed akhtar is impessed)

Udit narayan : *smiles*

Anu malik : Oye apne resume ke poster mat chipka!! chupchaap gaana gaa!!

GBF : *Beta apne baap se pooch ke aana ki chupchaap gaana kaise gaate hai* “Sir chupchaap waala kaun saa gaana hai..??”

Anu : Arey i mean gaana gaa jaldi, bhott saari sundar ladkiya wait kar rahee hai baahr!!

GBF : haa to sir ji, ye gaana dev kohli saab ka likha hua hai..film ka naam hai "loafer" aur Anil kapoor aur juhi chawala par filmaaya gaya hai.. kuch aise ( Gbf closes his eyes and covers his one ear with his palm and raises his other hand to start an alaap) "Saa ni dha pa dha pa ga ma re...ummm Towellll me baahar jaaogi to hallla mach jaayegaaaaa....dhing dhing chi dhick..."

Anu malik : bas!! (he turns to javed saab) jaaved ji iss ladke me kaafi potential hai..saare sur isne pakad liye hai..

Gbf : (he giggles) Sir towel bhi pakad li hai..

javed ji : Jiss muflisee se tumne iss nazm ko izzat bakshi hai, tamaam naazneen tumhara istekbaal karegi..

Gbf : Sir english nahee aati..thoda hindi me boliye naa

Javed ji : Naamuraad tujhe itna bhi nahee ilm nahee..

Alisha : At least he sung well!! mujhe bhi samajh nahee aaya..mujhe laga khaasi aayee hai javed ji ko lekin ye to urdu bol rahe the.

Udit narayan : *smiles*

javed saab : Meri taraf se to naa hai.. (he is annoyed)

Alisha : waise mujhe bhi nahee lagta ki ye bombay aa sakta hai....

Anu malik : Mai chahta hu ye ladka mumbai aaye....tara rum pum pum , iss ladke me hai dum. udit tum batao tum kya sochte ho...bataaaao..

Udit narayan : *smiles*

GBF : Oye Nepali idol jaldi faisala kar...

Udit narayan : *smiles*

javed : ye kya bataayega ye to *beeeppa* hai..

Phir to maar peet ho gayee. GBf made merry and came back. Aaj ke episode me waapas bheja hai usko. Taap secret hai. shhhh!! :P

Indian Idhol aaya re!!

2007-05-03T23:15:00.000+05:30

"The party's is over Dude. The 51st post is up" sternly I say.

"Oye ki keh riya hai!! ye bottle kya maine roti belne ke liye khareedi hai, Gale me utarne to de jaalim isko" a tulli reader retorts.

"Its over I say, Indian idhol has arrived"

"Oye jaa orkut par jaa logo ko scrap chipka, ladkiyo ke album dekh, aur jin ladkiyo ne profile par 12 photos ka vaayeda karke andar phool-paudhe aur babies ki photo chipka rakhi hai unko gaali de, 'report abuse' kar.... blogging kal-parso kariyo"

"Neech paapi, itni gandi soch!! Saale Brazilian ladkiyo ke regular profile visitor, tuuu aisa keh raha hai. Abey tere ko to tere bhaai behno ne bhi block kar rakha hai orkut par...Saale gay communities ke moderator!!" I loose my front.

The tulli reader passes out..ohhh or was it the mirror I was talking to... :O

Phewhh!! 51st post it is. The number 51 as they say is an auspicious number. It is the amount of money you shove inside a pink shaadi waala lifaafa(envelope) and head to attend a distant friend ki usse bhi jyaada distant cousin's wedding party to which you have been accidentally invited to. You mop up the fast food stalls and when you move around with your laden plate with a '51-rupaye-to-vasoolne-de' look , people mistake you for a waiter with a tray (due to sheer amount of stuff u have on your platter).

And hey Indian I-dhol has arrived. And u must know there are 4 judges this time. Anu , Alisha, Udit and Javed ( I am referring to there names as if they are my grandchildren like chunnu-banty… kill me!!).

Trivia : Do you remember the name of the guy who won it the last time??

If you know the answer then you can be either of these people:
1) a blood relative of Sandeep acharya. 2) Anu malek 3) Sandeep acharya himself 4) Desh ka jaagruk naagrik

(Oye sandeep agar tu blog padh rela hai to salaam bolta hai apun!! tere Mike ki battery khatam ho gayee kya re..ek bhi album me nahee dikha. Reshammiya ki topi me ghus gaya kya tu... kyuki jab se usne topi lagaani shuru ki hai tab se tu bhi nahee dikh raha.!!.)

The 1st episode is yet to be aired, as I publish this rubbish. But our very own under-cover GBF reporter has all the scoops. Lets see what he has got for us :

There is a huge crowd waiting outside the audition building, The passers-by mistake the herd for the first-day-first-show crowd for the movie Good boy-bad boy. Aise bhole bhaale logo ka ilaaz alibaug me hona chahiye. chalo i'll complete the post after i watch the first episode. Till then I am gonna rehearse for an upcoming Bhutaani idol. I hope no Australian immigrant is in the fray. WC yaad hai naa maamu :)

!!50th Post*!!

2007-05-02T20:18:00.000+05:30

Senti hone ka time aaya !! This is the 50th post on this blog yipppee!!. * raises his keyboard and shows it to all corners of the room and the mouse sulks "saale agli baar keyboard se publish button dabaana"*.

Phewhh!! this has been quite a ride. About 8 months back i thought of making an online repository of my short stories. I started wid rediffblogs..but then i got bored of the template which looked like been designed by A K hangal. I thought of moving to blogspot. I had to think of some kick-ass name for the blog (usually blog-names are a P&C of the words "musings" "random", "ramblings" "thoughts" etc). So i zeroed upon "Point blank encounters". The name suited the nature of my stories, but when i started writing humor it looked like tushar kapur slipping into a Black-cat commnado uniform. Then the name Garam-bheja-fry struck me aur phir to nikal padee.

From now on the navigation on this blog will be a bit smooth, as i have categorised my posts into different labels ( you can see the list in the sidebar). As it is the 50th post, so here i present my five favorite posts from this blog. (Mind you!! it was really tuf on my part to pick out 5 of them..2-3 hota to chal jaata lekin paanch :O)

Here's the list.

1) The entire series of "The making of a howalarious 90's movie"

2) Borekut...are you

3) Apun aaya re ..hihahaha

4) Chopra khanadan series

5) Life

Padh ke bataana. Main jab tak aaloo ubaalata hu agli plate ke liye. :P

Saale TV kyu phoda!!- UPDATE

2007-04-29T20:47:00.000+05:30

The breaking news is that a young gaaon ki gori(?) named Sri Devi err Lanka was brutally raped last night near the ba(r)ba Dosa stall. (When the wiry mallu dosa-stall owner was interrogated, the investigation team could only make out three words out of his testimony. The words being "vaan-go, ukkar-ungo and paw-ngo" thanks to the bingo ad.)

There were some signs of resistance from the victim but eventually was of no avail to the might of the rapist. The police have recovered some empty cans of Foster's beer from the spot. This is the 10th such act in the space of 2 months. Allaah bachaaye ab to!!

Yess!! Bhaailogs and bhenjeez, Lets taak about cricket this time. (Arey cricket nahee jaante...arey wahee game yaar ..yaad karo..the game which we used to play in our bachpan on our terrace on Sunday afternoons. And when some Hayden ki aulaad among us used to hit the ball down the building, we used to coax some pot-bellied blole-bhaale uncle downstairs with a "Uncle ji!! Ball de do pleeeeeez.."

After roughly some 17 attempts later the uncleji would eventually manage to succeed in his efforts. We little kids would cling on to the railings and cheer him up to throw higher n higher and when the ball did reach us, a big "thank yuu uncle!!!!!!!" followed with the uncle stroking his godrej-dyed hair in a self congratulatory style. Gone are those 'nappy me bhi happy' days.....*sob* Senti ho gaya maamu mai to )

Now let’s talk some history here. Long ago a tribe flourished of those who religiously followed the game of cr.ick.et (pronounced kri-Ket). They could have been categorized in to different groups. Have a look:-

1) Manjarekar and Shashtri ka paseena- the paidaaishi pitch reporter :-

In a group of people glued to a TV-set watching a cricket match there has to be a know-it-all expert or may be two. The enlightened fellow has all the statistics recorded in his 1.5 litre bheja which starts leaking the moment the pitch report is flashed on screen. He would look at the grass on the pitch and say

"I think 37th over se reverse swing hogi ball...78% moisture hai so no doubt!!" and you think "Arey yaar ghar se danda nahee laaya??".

He relishes the commercial break between overs and fall of wickets where he goes about his gyan on how the high backlift aids in fluent stroke making. You wish to lock him up in a room alone with a TV showing re-runs of Duleep trophy matches all day. Aise maamu Duckworth-lewis se tution padhne jaate hai.

2) Achaa aaj India ka match hai kya?? kiske saath.. reply : *chataaak* one tight slap!!

"Abey chintukle!! itta bhi nahee pata , saale ko mai calendar par din kaat raha hu pichle 10 din se iss match ke liye..aur tu ye puch raha hai." . ahem!! These are the luckiest people on earth. They don't follow cricket much and swear to watch only indo-pak encounters that too in a world cup. Achaa hai yaar jab susu hi nahee karta hai to haath dhone ka jhanjhat bhi nahee hai. I mean to say even if India loses they are indifferent, and it doesn't affect them. But at times when the Indian team is on a roll and is magically winning most of their matches the 'chaanta' is an apt reply for such questions.

3) Agarbatti jalaao - pataakha phodo type :-

The ardent religious fan who jalaaos agarbattis praying for India to win its match against Bermuda and the likes. The fan who has all the walls of his room covered with posters of Manoj prabhakar and Azharuddin. He cries when India loses and phodo-fies pataakhas (which he has scavenged for in the post-Diwali kooda) when the team wins. This is the gandhigiri following supporter who sadly returns to his home from the stadium with a lump in his throat when the team is thrashed by the opposition. His Bisleri bottle is with him and the un-burnt placards are rolled under his armpit. He surely is a non-violent creature as harmless as a crippled caterpillar.

4) Tv phodo - putla jalaao type :-

A Paan dukaan where some people have huddled up to watch the last few overs of a Ind-Aus match:-

TV commentary: "...and he has bowled him. Sachin had absolutely no clue... What a delivery tat was....and the Australians are ecstatic..*shatterrrr*

Paan waala : "Abey TERII!!! TV KYU PHODA BE!!

The culprit : "Gussa aa gaya yaar..aise tv ka kya faayeda jisme India match hi naa jeet paaye..!! "

P.W (grabs him by the collar) : Saale tere faayede ki maa ki...

Hmm this is the most violent lot of all the cricket viewers. When they get a chance to watch it in a stadium they carry bori bhar ke deflated bisleri bottles to decorate the outfield after the match. The bottles are often aimed at the kurkure-fingered fielders. And the next day they burn the effigy of even the physiotherapist, players ko to chhod de.

5) Cricinfo ke sipaahi- Boss ke bandar ( i belong to this category)

This is the white collar junta. The cricinfo page sits minimized in hidden taskbars on their affice ka desktop. Even a faint badboo of the boss/TL/PM instigates them to uninstall gtalk and messenger at the same time. And ask them "Solitaire kya hota hai" reply comes : "JK tyre ki mehnat". Bade bhole bhaale log hai hum!! ;)

bhott ho gayee kirkit ki baate chal ab plate khareed..fokut me poori dukaan sootega kya!! >:)

GBF reporter!!

2007-04-25T18:02:00.000+05:30

Read the previous post 'Aish-abhi ki shaadi' to extract full mazaa out of this post..and for those who have done the noble deed earlier- aaiye meherbaan.. :)

Hmfff!! I was about to call a press conference for reporting against Salman who called me 41 times!! Yes u heard it right melordd!! 41 times last night, threatening me to delete my previous post. Vivek was not much of a bother as he ran out of his coins in his 3rd attempt.

This piece of news was brought to you by our special GBF correspondent who was masquerading as a truck cleaner there at the dhaaba.( kya pucha “What’s GBF??” jis ghar me ghuse ho uska nameplate to padh liya karo ustaad!!)

Our reporter told us that Kaif has advised Vivek to replace the nameplate outside the new abhi-aish home with a nameplate reading "KAIF" in big bold letters. By the next morning they will find the window panes broken, walls painted black and the chaukidaar beaten up. The "Saathiyaa" boy gets all excited but suddenly all his excitement dies away as he sees a beefy well fed and well drunk Sardaara standing over him. (Sardar ji is the owner of the dhaba)

Sardaara : Oye bhott daaru chhaaan raha hai!! paise laaya hai naa..aaj poora udhaar chuka dena nahee to apne mukke se tere gaalo par pappi dunga...

Vivek :Eh..hheheh!! arey sardaar ji gussa nakko !! abhi cheque kaat ke deta hu ye....

Sardaara : Ooooooooye!!!!!!!!!!!! ( Sardar ji is in a Handpump-ukhaado mood) Aaj agar cheque KAATA to tere ko KAAT ke rakh dungaa....CASH laa

Vivek : (trembling and controlling his bladder-urge) Haa..uh.umm cash de dunga!! Pakka!! ..Oye kaifi jara wallet.....KAIFEE kahaa gayaa?????

(kaifee vanished in thin air with the soda ki bottle)

And then what do you think, sardar ki ne mukke se pappi li vivek ki??..heh!!.....pappi to chhodo Sardar ji's mukka and vivek's face collaborated to produce a XXX movie after that.

Next up the GBF reporter moved to the Pratiksha bungalow where all the action and ruckus was. A lady reporter of a popular news channel with a hoarse voice was reporting something..

" Dekhiye Sanjay aap dekh sakte hai kitni khoobsurati se laat maari gayee hai"

"Garima!! agar aap humey sun sakti hain to humaare darshako ko batayein ye sab hua kaise " (sanjay is in a jubilant mood)

"Dar asal humaare cameraman Abhishek bacchan ki car ke bilkul paas pahuch gayein aur phir wo photo lene ke liye car se latak liye, tabhi car ke aage ka darwaaza khula aur humaare camera man ke pichhwaade par ek zordaar laat padee"

"Kaun se joote pehne the laat maarne waale ne, kuchh pata chala hai garima!!" sanajay is pleasantly surprised.

"Haan sanjay !! ye hum aap ko latest tasveere dikhaa rahein hai..ye dekhiye ye hai camera man ka pichhwaada ..aur ye rahe joote ke nishaan..badee hi khoobsurati se laat maari hai"

"Dikhne se ye 10 number ka joota lag raha hai!! aur itni mardana laat masha-allaah abhishek bacchan ki hi ho sakti hai "( sanjay is all excited)

"Haan sanjay humey kaafi khushi ho rahee hai ki ye exclusive laat sirf humaare cameraman ko padee.." This is a proud moment in Garima's life.

"Chaliye garima aap line par bane rahiye..hum aapke paas dobaara aayenge *click* Aap dekh rahe hai A*j T*k bharat ka sabse tez channel"

(A reader smirks: abey shaane channel ka naam kyu chhupa raha hai!! .Kon sa tera blog TOI me chhapta hai jo tere pe case thokega channel ka maalik . hurrr!!)

Oye maamu !! GBF scoop :

Richard gere kissed shilpa to prove to the truck drivers that " Chumma lene se AIDS nahee failta.."

An irate truck driver: " Oye aire-gere!! kanpatte par Thappad bajaane se bhi AIDS nahee failta..kabhi aana dhaabe pe bataaunga.!! "

Byee.. :)

Abhi-aish ki shaadi!!- UPDATE

2007-04-21T19:47:00.000+05:30

Hi Bhaai log!! When people read the story which I shamelessly advertised in my last post, they said they had to hire a full time servant to scroll down the page for them to read. Such was the length. And some of the other gracious, Allaah ke bande did take the pains to read till the last line and after reading it they thanked their parents, friends and coach after reaching the milestone with tears in their eyes.

"Oye chaman , bore mat karr !! shaadi ke baare me bata!" I can hear an impatient reader shout.

Haan bhaai to scene aisa ki :

Date : 20th April

( 1st scene : Salman sulking in a bar with his girl friend (who has thrown her heel waali sandals in the Arabian sea for obvious reasons) Katrina kaif alongside.

2nd scene: Vivek oberai in a Highway hotel with truck waalas around him praising Shilpa shetty's "Pappee me bhi happy" attitude.
Now if Salman is with Katrina kaif then Vivek has Mohammad Kaif to accompany him. As both are jobless and equally vella. Dono apne gam galat kar rahe hai..

3rd scene: Small B riding on a ghodi and moto-rocking his head with about a million cameras zooming into his nostrils. About 3 tons of glam-sham has coagulated around him.)

1st scene:

Salman khan: Maine pyar kyu kiyaa?? *makes a weepy face* ye sab mere flop bhaaiyo ke kaaran hua hai. Tumhe pata hai Jin logo ko maine last year footpath par kuchla tha naa. baad me pata chala wo mere bhaaiyo ki films ke distributor the kisi jamaane me"

Katrina kaif : " Namh-a-stay london..err..i mean Salmon!! The same applies to you dear. During the screening of your latest movie Salaam-e-ishq, fire alarms were installed in cinema theaters to wake people up after the show was over.."

Salman khan : "Cheque ladki...meri izzat ka Maaza-mango banati hai...teri *beeeep*.."

Katrina : "Just chill buddy...and that IS Czech ..NOT cheque..and btw Himess has called me for a screen-test to cast me in "Aap ka Suuar".. "

Salman : "*Beeep* *Meep* WO SUROOR hai...SUAR nahee *Leep*"

2nd scene :

(some line hotel (dhaaba) forming the backdrop..Truck drivers guffawing in the vicinity...Vivek and Kaif sitting on a charpai with soda and cheap daaru)

Vivek oberai : "Aao Kaifi!! Lays ka packet laaye ho naa saath me??"

Kaif : "Yaar kaahe ka lays , gone are those days..ab to lizzat papad khaata hoon.."

Vivek oberai : " Apna bhi kuch aisa hi haal hai dost, Ek time tha ‘Saathiyaa’ aur aaj ban gaya hu ch***ya....bahut galat cheez hai yaar ye"

Kaif : " kya?? cricket??"

Vivek :"Abey 1 1/2 haddi cricket nahee...ladkiyaa, unse pyar,muhabbat..phir dhokhaa, rusvaayee, Tanh......"

Kaif : "Chaupp!! Saale bore mat kar..jaldi se bottle khol maine bhi paise milaaye hai"

Vivek " haa yaar kholta hu....aaj meri mehbooba ki shaadi hai 2-3 peg jyada peene dena dost.."

Kaif : " Abey KBC me baitha hai kya be?? Jo fokut me tere ko khush karu....daaru baraabar bategi nahee to be mar peet ho jaayegi"

( Two truck waalas talk as they go past kaifee and vivek " Pehle pappee phir pappa (papa) khehekhe!!". they are referring to Richard gere's future plans. Truck drivers adore shilpa but i am uncertain whether they would be able to recognize her, if given a passport size photo :p )

And they drink and munch on lizzat papad equally.

3rd scene :

Aby baby is moto-rocking on the ghodi and suddenly a text message flashes on his cellphone. Here’s the message..

" Yaar Ask aish baby to wear a lip-stick of a different brand. That would be better for you."

aby replies: "Who's this!! And why do you want her to go for some other brand??"

Reply: " Actually this one doesn't taste good khekhe!! ;) - Hrithik & Chandrachood"

Aby baby throws the cell phone in a fit of rage. It hits Anil ambani who's all jubilant at a distance. He picks it up. Your question Guess the network?? :)

Update : Some of the readers have pointed out that there was no mention of haya-khan-janhvi -kapoor in this post. So i make a point by telling you guys that the haya-khan part was sponsored by Salman khan and the janhvi kapoor part by karishma kapoor, both for obvious reasons. :)

My new story!!

2007-04-18T16:04:00.000+05:30

Maamu i wrote a spooky story. Fultoo padhne ka and comment karne ka. Here it is

The kiss

Padh ke batana gaaowaalo!!

Simply awesome!!!

2007-04-15T02:17:00.000+05:30

I couldn't resist but put this video up here.

Ingredients of a magical act : The audio track : "Namak ishq ka" from the movie Omkara + Visuals from the movie "Happy feet" + Sheer brilliance =

Dil ka dard..!!

2007-04-14T00:57:00.000+05:30

.... on the worries of life and the ones who cause them.

I am at peace ( is it the lull before the storm). I am at home, just like Romesh powar.

A prisoner awaiting his trial, A convict waiting to hit the gallows,

A person standing in the ticket queue of the movie "Shaka laka boom boom",

An OBC CAT aspirant,

Sehwag's marketing manager,

The people boating in the lake shown above in the pic

and I, have some thing in common and you would have guessed what it is. They are all screwed up or on the verge of it.

"Voila!! i am an engineer" the world retorts curtly "What next dude!!". I say i have a job, and a good job at that. but when does it materialize. When do i get a chance to actually dress up all formally to kneel down in the butchery which translates into a cubicle when you look up a euphemist's dictionary. The joining date is yet to be communicated to us. The seniors say we'll get it by the end of this april. But then they remind us..

"Enjoy!! for these days will never come again *echo*"

That's a painful line. We are spilling it knowingly but then unknowingly as they claim. But believe me the free time i am having is weighing down on me. Its pretty human to yearn for a change. People outmuscled by the work pressure want to unwind and mere mortals like me await the grinding with anxious hearts.Irony!!.

My heels have frozen. Yelp!!

"Lagta hai sir par gehree chot lagi hai , bechaara accha bhala tha kisi ne lagta hai angrezi dictionary phenk ke maari hai sir par!!"

" Nahee yaar shayad Wren & Martin ke yaha tution jaane lag gaya hai !!"

My friends discuss after reading this post.

Arey chill maaro yaaro. Ab apun ek short story likhing. kuchh dino baad i'll post it. Fultoo padhne ka aur comment karne ka. Beta apun ke dukaan ki 10,000 plates bikne waali hai. Party karega to sab ko bulaayega. Aur post padh ke monitor saaf kar lena. Itni der me photo waale launde ne bahut ganga bahaayee hai aapke screens par. :)

Photo-shoto - II

2007-04-07T11:34:00.000+05:30

Siby:- Mere Chamakte daanto ka raaz--Vim Bar, bartan dhote dhote manjan bhi kar leta hoon.

Siby :- Mera saathi in Bhipro.. :)

Prashant

"O terii mainu laga ki mobile hai *hick*...chee chee daaru ki bottle... mummmyyyy!!! :( "

Me: "Saale ab wo daaru ki bottle nahee sirf bottle reh gayee hai, uski daaru tere pate(stomach) me hai.."

Prashant mehfil jamaayega in wipro :)

Vikas

ekh khe kheyyy!! ekh khe kheyyy Lizzat paappppad!!

Dr. Vikas- Gupt rogi fauran mile, room no. 36, hotel sunshine, Bus stand ke peeche.

(clockwise frm left) Ramu kaka, Shashank, Ankur

Ramu kaka :" arey naalayak last post me meri itni utaari tera man nahee bhara, kalmuhe ab meri photo bhi chaap di"

Shashank : "kaka ki baat me dum hai, kyuki daant inke kam hain.. btw.. koi lota do yaar"

Ankur : "Oye cardamom dialogues kya type kar raha hai photo kheech saale *Beeeep*.."

Shashank - will join Infosys, and currently is a Maths faculty at IMS. (phodu hai banda)
Ankur - placed with Infosys.
Ramu kaka : has his hands 'placed' at......:P

Shyam

"Tel kya bhaav diyo hai... mhaara saara paisa byaaj ke saath wapas kar diyo seth!!"

Shyam : Mindtree consultancies, Die hard CAT aspirant ..missed it by a whisker last time.

baaki agli baar.... :)

Photo-shoto - I

2007-04-04T23:19:00.000+05:30

We lukkhaas just completed our engineering and it was high time for me to introduce mera kabeela to you people. In the next few months most of these kabeelewaale would be sucked in to some (premier) Bee-skool and irrecoverable damage will be done to their much cherished insanity. so chalo chalo jaldi padh lo warna team leader/PM/boss/Boss ka jaasoos aa jaayega. Fokut ka internet dabaate huye dekh liya to free ki coffee band karwa dega. :)

(left to right) gautam , juggy sardaar and shoyeb

Me ( photographer) : abey Gautam ro matt!! saale zoom lens camera hai goli nahee chalegi...zoom hone de...

juggy sardaar( middle) : mainu to lagaa tu goli chalaayega...je mai bullet proof t-shirt pehen ke aaya si.

shoyeb (still dreaming about mamta kulkarni ) : chup kar sardaara ..don't disturb...bas chumma lene hi waala hu....mamtaaaaaaahhh

Gautam- headed for MDI-gurgaon.
Juggy - Going to Israel for his internship this summer.
Shoyeb - leaving for University of Edinburgh for an MBA.

Humaare kilaas ka topper Muktesh. Dulhaniya mukhda to dikhaao..haaye mai vaari jaau.

Muktesh : with me in wipro :)

Hum bhi vote deke aaye hai. UP me dum(slum) hai kyuki yaha jurm kam hai....ishhhh "middal finger" ..uu kaa hota hai!!

Saddu supaari!!! beta shakal se to bhola , lekin kaam me shakti kapoor's chela...wahshee aankhein!! Samaaj ki bahu-betiyaa bach ke!!
Vaibhav : waiting for IIM A,C 's gdpi reslts

Me: Bevafaa aaj bhi nahee aayee!! julmi tere ye sitam mai kab tak bardaasht karu..!!

Your's truly : wipro :)

tu bhi conti'nude'...

Apun aaya re hihaha!!

2007-04-01T00:35:00.000+05:30

Oye Uncle bhaagne se pehle post to padh le..!!

Before UNESCO declares this blog a "A World heritage site" and Japanese tourists wearing red caps and yellow shorts go crazy with their Fujifilm cameras clicking the Vijay-tina epic's manuscript, I puke one more post here.

Last month apun engineer ban gaya, Full month party maara dost log ke saath. Farewell-sharewell bhi huaa. photo-shoto bhi chipkaayega, wait karne kaa. And as a result - Thanda bheja fry. Fikar not!! I yumm back after completing 4 long years in the lungi-land and currently I have all the time in the world to Bilogg.

And during this time 15 guys were sent on an all expense paid trip to West-Indies to watch the world cup led by a guy called Dravid. They played some friendly matches as well during their stay. When they did return to India, they were welcomed by the Indian hockey team. It was an emotionally charged moment with the players of either team hugging each other tight with soggy eyelashes. The theme music of "Hum saath saath hai" was being played in the background. ab sab baraabar ho gaye itne saalo baad. chal ab topic se U-Turn maarte huye kuch filmy gup-shup ho jaaye..

Now i present to you excerpts of a chat between sholay kaa veeru and ramu kaka 3 years after gabbar was captured :

Veeru : Today we have with us the iconic ramu kaka who has served thakur saahab for 25 long years. Ramu kaka has been with thakur saab since the days when he was a 'hand'some young man to his hands-free days. To Ramu kaka bataaiye. aapka kya experience raha ??

Ramu kaka : Ab kya bataau beta!! Bas baaki ke din kaat raha hu..thakur saab ki sewa me zindagi guzaar di..bechaare thakur saab apni vidhwa Bahu (jaya bachhan) ke to haanth peele nahee kar paaye.lekin budhaape me mere haath jarur peele kar diye...

Veeru : kya matlab??

Kaka : Arey kutto ke dracula!! itna bhi nahee samjhein...thakur saab pyjaame kaa naada to khol nahee paate hain, pichhwaada dhona to door ki baat hain..

Veeru: Ohh!! to iska matlab roz subeh aap hi.....Ohh!!

kaka : haa beta haa!! meri haanth ki rekhaaye wahaa chap gayee hai jahaa nahee chhapni chaahiye..!! aur saale ramgadh ke bacche bhi itne naalayak hain ki, mujhe 'dhoni, dhoni' kehke chidhaate hai...Budhaape me apne pichhle janam ka paap dho raha hu main..*sobs*

Veeru : Never mind kakaji!! ye bataaiye thakur saab ke kya haal hai..

Kaka : Mat poocho beta !! thakur saab ke chehre se maano khushi gaayab ho gayee hain...unki badnaseebi ke kisse sun nahee paaoge...

Veeru : kakkajeeehhh!!....sunaa do pleeeezhh!!

kaka : " kya bataau beta ..ye mazaak unke saath 3 saal se hota aa raha hai..jab thakur saab apne jooton se gabbar ka sir kuchal rahein the tab peeche se police inspector ne hawaai fire kiya aur wo chillaaya "Hands up!!" ... kaahe ke hands kaahe ka up.. Thakur saab ki aankhon me aansu aa gaye...Aur jab court me gawaahi dene ki baari aayee tab bhi katghare me saala ek vakeel geeta utha ke le aaya aur bola "thakur saab geeta par haath rakh ke kasam khaiye aap jo kuch kahenge sach kahenge....." ..aise mazaak beta kaun jhel sakta hain.."

"Yahee nahee raamgadh ke shararati launde aaye din chauraahe par unse pooch pooch ke bhaagte hai "thakur saab ghadi me time kya huaa hai" . Lekin uss din to had hi ho gayee jab thakur ke b'day par sab chokro ne mil kar unko dumbbell gift kar diya...

Saale ab thakur ji ko ramgadh ki cricket team ka wicketkeeper banane ka plan bana rahe hain.. Uff..mujhse to aur dekha nahee jaata..*sob* "

Veeru : himmat rakhiye ramu kaka!! main bhi bobby deol ka baap huu..aur esha deol bhi meri hi beti hai..samajh sakte ho naa aaap..!!

Kaka: Samajhta hu veeru!! jis din mujhe lagega ki ab bas bahut ho gaya aur ab mujhe eeshwar ke paas chale jaana chahiye uss din tumhaari beti ki 2-3 filmey lagaataar dekh lungaa...* sigh*..

Veeru : Sahee hai kaka!! waise agar phir bhi thodi bahut jaan bachee reh jaaye to mujhe boliyega mai bobby ki 1-2 latest movies ka intezaam kar dunga..

Kaka : Jarur beta!! basanti se kehna ki dhanno usey aaj bhi yaad karti hai..ab main chalta hu..thakur saab ke pressure aane ka time ho gaya...

Aur ab apna bhi time ho gaya hai..bistar todne kaa..Aur haa ab koi UNESCO waala aaye to usko idhar ka address nahee dene kaa..:)